The Way It Played Out

Bill and I both froze, staring at each other. I wasn’t aware he was home.
“Amaya, please put that down.” Bill said slowly, his eyes locked on my box cutter.
“No.” I whispered. Shit. I’m sorry, Pete. I know I promised. Please don’t be upset.
“My, c’mon, nothing’s that bad.” Bill assured me, meeting my eyes. “Nothing. And you know you can tell me anything. I’m here. I always will be.”
“Not after this.” I argued in my broken whisper, dropping his gaze to stare at the tiled floor. I pressed slightly, unconsciously, on my wrist, and felt the tip of the blade draw blood.
“Amaya, I’m your best friend, and I love you. I’m here for you no matter what. I know I was a shitty friend before, but I’m here now. For good.”
“Nothing’s forever.” I mumbled, but my grip on my cutter was relaxing.
Bill took a few careful steps forward, but I tightened my hold on the knife, pressing it deeper into my wrist, and he froze again.
“Maya, please. Please don’t do this.” Bill pleaded, and I met his eyes. They were concerned, worried, scared, and, above all, honest.
I wavered, weighing my options again. All I could see were bad ones, but maybe I’d talk to Bill and he’d think I was ok, and then I could do this behind his back. Or after he ran for the hills.
As I was thinking, Bill had inched forward, close enough to drop to his knees and pull me into his arms.
I still held my knife, but it wasn’t pressed against my wrist anymore. It was just… in my hand.
Chalk up another victory for the boy the girl fell for.
“Maya, why?” Bill asked, gently taking my knife and retracting the blade, putting it on the counter. He held me tight against him in his lap, gently rubbing my back.
“Why what?” I mumbled mulishly, not looking at him.
“Amaya,” Bill sighed in exasperation. “What happened? I thought everything was going so perfectly.”
“No such thing as perfect.” If I formed a complete sentence, I was afraid the complete story would follow. I was going to keep this up as long as I could- maybe he’d give up.
Yeah, and maybe the Earth would rotate in reverse.
“Maybe not, but we were pretty close to it, don’t you think?” Bill argued. “So what happened? You were so happy, we both were. Everyone was. Why are you so upset?”
“I’m not upset.” I was stubborn, if anything. I just couldn’t look Bill in those big, brown, honest eyes and I’d be fine.
I was screwed, and I knew it.
“Than what are you?” Bill asked in exasperation.
“…Not upset.” I tried.
“If I call Pete, he’ll go apeshit on your ass.” Bill warned, and I winced.
“That wouldn’t help.”
“Then what would?” Bill asked.
An abortion.
I reached for the counter, but Bill closed his hand around mine.
“Other than that, please.” He tried to sound stern, but he just sounded… scared? Worried? Upset.
“Nothing can help.” I replied hopelessly.
“I can try.” Bill tried to smile.
“This is your fault!” I bit my lip, immediately regretting saying it. It was my fault as much as Bill’s, and I knew it. Now, if I killed myself, he’d blame himself for it. I’d just ruined his life.
I looked up, meeting his shocked, hurt eyes. “No, Bill, I didn’t mean that, really. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.” I pleaded, hoping he would realize I meant it.
“Amaya Suki, tell me how I hurt you this time.” Bill ordered, trying to be stern, but it sounded more like he was horrified at himself and scared for me than in control.
In the end, it was those scared, honest eyes that really killed me.
I dropped his gaze, knowing I was about to drop a pretty big bombshell- maybe even a nuke- all over his perfect life.
“Bill, I’m gonna have our kid.”
That was when the silence began.

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