The Way It Played Out

Bill just held me, stunned into silence. I didn’t look at him, knowing he probably wouldn’t want to look at me. I was surprised he hadn’t shoved me away from him already.
I realized for the first time there were tears streaking down my face, but I didn’t wipe them away. I let myself cry for once, knowing I wouldn’t be around to do it for much longer. Knowing I’d never had a better reason.
“Marry me.” Bill said thoughtfully, and I gaped up at him as if he’d lost his mind.
He was gazing into space, but started nodding resolutely. “Marry me.” He repeated, more confident, meeting my shocked gaze with his steady one.
That was certainly the last thing I’d expected. I’d expected a fight, harsh words, one of us running like Hell. I’d expected being able to sneak off and finally succeed at suicide.
“Bill, don’t say that.” I said softly, shaking my head slowly.
“Why not?” Bill asked, with the air of someone wondering why I favored chocolate ice cream over vanilla.
“You don’t want that. I don’t want that.” I tried to make him understand. “Neither of us want a shotgun wedding. What happened to falling in love?”
“I do love you.” Bill said immediately.
“Yes, I love you, too.” I meant it differently than he did. I’d always loved him. “But I mean real love, not best friends since forever.”
“What’s the difference?” Bill asked, actually expecting an answer.
I blinked, wondering if he’d gone off the deep end. Who knew? Maybe we both had.
“Well, the person you fall in love with… you should trust them with absolutely everything, be able to tell them anything, the good and the bad.” I stuttered. “They should trust you the same way, and know you better than you know yourself. They’re your better half, your… your…” I trailed off, trying to think of something, anything, other than the words so ready to slide off my tongue.
“Your partner in crime?” Bill finished gently, knowing exactly what phrase I was avoiding- the one I always used to describe us.
“Well, with the person you love, it’s more than just making out and having sex.” I argued. “It’s making love. It’s… more.”
Bill let his head dip forward, gently resting his forehead against mine. “It was never ‘just sex’ for me.”
I blinked, suddenly seeing where he was going with this. Well, where I hoped it was going. He was probably just trying to convince me.
Damn those honest eyes for calling my bluff.
“But… you loved Nova.” I said. It was probably the least tactful thing to bring up, but I was confused. He said he’d loved her.
Bill shook his head. “That was me trying to fall out of love. I thought if you and I kept on like we were, I’d… I’d really screw up. I thought I’d scare you away if I said I wanted it to be real.” Bill held my gaze as I just stared at him. “I knew I was ignoring you, but I was going to be your best friend again once I fell out of love with you. I thought I could learn to love Nova, but all I liked about her was the chance she was at saving what we had.” Bill closed his eyes, his face pained, then looked at me again. “But I managed to fuck that up, too. I screwed up our friendship, and I hurt you so badly… I was so glad to have you back, you can’t even imagine. I missed seeing you every day, talking to you, making you smile.” Bill gave me a fleeting, weak, half-smile of his own.
“This is too cliché. You can’t really love me.” I said softly, stunned.
“I should be the one who’s not believing it- you’ve suddenly got a very good reason to try to fall in love with me.” Bill grinned crookedly at me.
“Bill, I was so torn up when you ignored me because I loved you. I always have.” I grinned back at him.
Bill’s whole face lit up with that revelation, and he held me even closer as I buried my face in his shoulder.
“So… marry me- for real?” Bill asked, his eyes dancing wickedly.
“Of course, you dweeb.” I teased, leaning up to kiss him.
It reminded me of our first kiss, back when we were 12, when we were sweet, innocent, and in love.

||The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly||