Journey to the Past

My name is Andrea. I don’t know my last name… I know… it’s weird… um… I suffer from amnesia. Anything from my birth and through eight years (and some months) I don’t have a single memory of. I know common sense, of course, and how to read and add one and one and such… plus I learned more here. I know how to talk… but my memory has disappeared from that age and younger.

I was found… wandering around when I was eight and something months years old… Mrs. Trixie said I hit my head so hard that it caused brain damage, therefore explaining my memory loss/amnesia from those years… and since I woke up, I remember everything else since when I woke up til now. I’m eighteen now. It’s been decided that my birthday is December 17th, 2013. That’s the day I found the orphanage and the day they took me in.

I have a roommate named Erin Leah Caisse. She’s my best friend—practically my sister—and we’re literally attached at the hip. We’re inseparable. We know everything there is to know about each other.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t remember anything from my birthday til my eight year and something months. I have two clues about myself, though. I’m religious… someone must’ve given me this black prayer cross necklace… and I’ve never taken it off. Then, there’s The Song. That’s what I decided to name it. “The Song”. Whoever wrote it didn’t name it and whoever wrote it must’ve loved me… because it talks about me in a very nice way.

Andrea, here’s a song from me to you. Never Give In.

I know I’m from California, too, because the song mentions it. I’m in Cincinnati, Ohio right now. It’s a little dull. I’m not really allowed to go out until I’m 18.

I decided when I was only living here a few weeks that I wanted to play music. They had music class with a piano, a guitar and a bass. I was to learn it, but for some reason… I simply knew it… and I felt like someone very new whenever I play it… someone from a dream.

Dreams are another thing entirely.

I don’t have dreams, actually. I instead have nightmares. They’re usually the same one… a party… dancing, laughing… having fun… running, playing… and then darkness, sadness, evil… revenge, jealousy, blood.

A word I dislike very much is “massacre”.

I don’t know why. I’d sometimes come across that word in books and for some reason just that word would scare me. I don’t know why. I’d sometimes even throw the book across the room. I don’t know why. I just do.

I love writing songs and music compositions. It calms me and brings me to a happy place. I can’t explain my love for music or my ridiculous talent. It just comes to me like I was born to do this.

Then there’s the most amazing little rectangular device called an iPod Sapphire. It’s a “latest version of an iPod?” because they have different kinds, apparently, and I have this one. I’m on the computer for one thing only; to find and download music onto my iPod—and listening to Pandora Radio—I have come to love six bands: Black Veil Brides, Escape the Fate, Never Shout Never, Madina Lake, Paramore and We the Kings.

They’re all really old bands… like ten years ago or so.

I also learned that Black Veil Brides and Escape the Fate disappeared?

I don’t know why. Whatever. All of their music and the others’ will NEVER get old.

I pressed play on my open iTunes window, playing “Coffee and Cigarettes” by Never Shout Never. I started sing along with it and bounce on my seat, and when the clapping part came on, I’d clap also. Erin laughed. She thought I was so epically hilarious when I was in my music world. She found this music pretty interesting too—along with the mainstream music I hate—and she’d join in sometimes. I’d SOMETIMES like old hit songs like Taio Cruz’s Dynamite or something like that… but anything new I’d hate.

“Happy birthday, Andie.” Erin said. I smiled and she ran over to hug me. “Ok so… yeah. It’s not much… but it took me a while to get it for you, so you’d better thank me for it or I’ll have to smack a bitch.” I giggled softly at her meaningless threat as she ran to her bed and reached under it, pulling out pieces of paper, and she ran to me to give them to me.

I started to read the first paper excitedly.

Friends and Alibis—basically that’s us right there. <3 I love you sister from another mister. Gay. You Are So Beautiful and you’ll be able to go somewhere today when you leave this place. Please go far and remember Something good is coming your way…

Ok. Fuck it. I wanna come!

I AM THE PERFECT WEAPON if I need to beat the shizz outta someone. XD and it went on like that… random and awesome.

Then, there was another paper that was completely colored—no white spots—with a picture of GIR screaming excitedly and “I’M GUNNA HUG YOUUUUUUU” written on it in big letters. I laughed and smiled, getting up and running to her and embracing her tightly. “Best present ever!” She smiled. “Hey, is this why you stayed even after you turned eighteen? You wanted us to stick together?”

“Of course! You’re my best friend, my sister. I’m not going away just because I turned eighteen and I’m not letting you go off on your own without me when it’s your turn—today. You packed, right?”

“Packed what?” I asked, rolling my eyes. “I have a piece of paper, ten other papers you gave me, these seven papers, a few raggy clothes, a black dress and the white dress I came in when I was eight. Not much…”

She shrugged. “iPod? You have your guitar and bass, right?” I nodded. “Ok, then. You’re packed… and so am I!”

Weirdly, we didn’t really make friends with any of the other kids. We kind of kept to each other… though I’ve been told that Lukas thought I was really pretty. I talk to him only sometimes. He’s very nice. I then found out most boys thought I was really pretty. Nuts…

Same with Erin. She’s got some guys following her.

I sighed and looked out the window. Winter. I hate winter with a strong passion, and I hate that I’m born right before it—on the seventeenth, ya know—and the snow and coldness and everything about it… I hate winter, and I don’t know why. I just do.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen… like a giant… snowman…after it’s made? But… like a big one… typically… they do not look anything like the cartoon snowmen… they actually kinda look… just dirty… and they just look dirty and gross and like… big… I mean, they should really call them snow hobos cuz they’re big and nasty and they have like… a sort of bucket for a head and just a stick arm and… what they’re wearing doesn’t really make any sense. So snow hobos…That’s the new thing.

Oh yeah. I’ve seen that.

Déjà vu.

Anyway….

Yeah. I hate winter.

Mrs. Trixie came in—she’s old now—and she smiled. “You get to get outta here now.” She said. She looked about ready to cry! I ran up to her and hugged her, as did Erin. She did sniffle. “Come, I’ll lead you guys out…” I nodded and I grabbed my things—my bass and guitar will kill my back, probably—and I waited for Erin, and when she was ready, we followed Mrs. Trixie out.

We were outside in the dead cold and I sighed.

“I got you jobs at the plastic factory down there on the right when you go down the fork in the road, ok?” She said. We nodded, and hesitantly, we left.

“Yo, son,” Erin said after we were almost at the fork. “Where the shit do we sleep tonight?”

I shrugged. “Badass question…”

We both had a thousand dollars with us. Not sure if it’s enough, honestly. I sighed as we kept trudging through the snow until we came to the right, left, and middle. The fork. I yawned, already tired, and I sat myself down on the stump that was just randomly there.

“Kid,” I said. “I don’t wanna work at a plastic factory.”

“Right?!” She agreed.

I sighed again and put my head in my hands. I don’t like being an adult. Fifteen minutes out into the world and I’m already slightly scared and confused. I’ll be Andrea the orphan forever… or Andie, cuz Erin calls me that.

Iopened my eyes and through my hands, I saw my black prayer cross necklace dangling loosely around my neck. Whoever… could’ve given me this must’ve loved me… I keep telling myself that over and over. My long coat had deep pockets. I reached into it and pulled out the crumpled paper that looked about ready to give out and break.

Andrea, here’s a song from me to you. Never Give In.

I only read the actual song when I go to sleep. These first words, though, I’ll read forever and ever. This person loved me, I know it.

My eyes scanned the paper carelessly and rested on the word “California”.

I wish I could go… maybe I could find my family that loved me.

I looked up now and saw the left end, and it had doom written on it. The middle didn’t have any affect on me… and the right end looked interesting to me, like something awaits me… an adventure of some sort. Happiness, maybe? The snow that was falling and the snow already on the ground glistened with that sparkle, and the wind softly blew on the top of the fallen snow, making it look beautiful as it flew around… magical, even.

“Erin, let’s go,” I said, standing up.

“Where are we going?” She asked.

“The right,”

“The right…?”

“Yeah… I mean…” I shrugged. “We know what’s to the left… but if we go right… maybe I can find…” I said, thinking out loud. Erin smiled at me.

“I’ve got no goals like you do, so I’m chill with whatever you wanna do, hun.” She told me.

“Let’s go to California!” I said excitedly. Her eyes widened. “Seriously! I’m pretty sure that’s where I have to go.” I walked off to the right and almost had a sort of skip in my step even though I had two guitars on my back and that I was carrying freaking clothes in one hand.

Black Veil Brides’ song Sweet Blasphemy suddenly played in my head. I started to sing it under my breath.

“We are young and we are strong. Through strength in self we become something more than they can be. I raise my heart and sing that I won’t believe this lie. I know there’s something more inside. When darkness is all you see, this is our sweet blasphemy…”

I think someone should plow the roads asap.

We kept stepping through, making our way and singing songs from my favorite band. Every song spoke to me. They all have such deep meaning to them. We laughed and joked along our way, even. It was all so much fun.

I stopped, suddenly, my laughter slowly dying, my smile fading and my happy eyes turning into a soft stare. I saw kids running around on the property of a house, laughing, giggling and playing in the snow… and I also so their mom and dad playing along with them. I bit my lip and looked away a tree, only to find squirrels scurrying about near that tree. I walked over to them and crouched down. They didn’t seem to really notice me, which was ok, but I just looked. They looked like a family. They had a home, the tree, and I’m pretty damn sure they’ve got love… A tear escaped my eye and sniffled. There was once a time I must’ve had them too…

I can’t believe I’m a little jealous of a family of squirrels… shouldn’t they be hibernating or something?

I stood up and walked back to Erin, who looked sadly at me.

“We’ll find them, ok?” She assured me.

Of course, there’s that little part of me that says, “What if they’re not in California? What if they don’t love me after all? What if I just don’t have a family?”

But I keep in mind of the piece of paper I have in my pocket—the song that somebody wrote for me—and on the top of it says “Never Give In”. That’s a good song, too. I never do give in to the sadness and doubt and darkness that sometimes consumes me. I always try and fight it and be optimistic.

We kept on walking. What else could we do?

How long are we going to walk for…?

We’re going to have to follow many signs, I guess…

I can’t believe how hard this is really going to be. The realization of it hit me.

They told us… about being an adult… how you’re pretty much on your own once you hit that age of eighteen, how you have to go out into the world, how life is full of a million choices and how it’s all up to you… how you’ll have to make a thousand decisions and that they will then take on themselves… how your actions in life and thoughts are vital and should be good… but no one ever mentions fear… or how this world can seem so vast.

Never Give In

I think I’ll be able to find a way to California.

Alkaline Trio’s I Found Away started playing in my head, and I started to sing it. I don’t really know where this specific road will take me, but I hope it’ll be mine, lead me to my past and bring me home. I know someone’s down at the end of it waiting for me. I’ll keep on hoping and believing I’ll get there.

It’s going to be exceedingly difficult, though.

1. We don’t have a place to sleep tonight.
2. We don’t have a car.
3. We only have 2000 dollars with us total. I don’t know for how long that will last.
4. No jobs.
5. Our first time really outside in the world since we arrived at the orphanage.
6. California is far away from Ohio on the U.S Map. Imagine for real.
7. I don’t know anything about my past from age eight and under.
8. We don’t know how this world works—for real.
9. I’m pretty sure we have more problems… but I can’t think of any more right now.

Maybe I could play music on the streets and get money. I’ve seen that done on TV. You don’t need like permission from the law or something play that anymore. You can just do it up.

I kind of grew angry when people in cars would pass us (even if the snow is still unplowed) because they looked SORRY for us, sad as they looked at us. So I have raggy clothes and am walking with two guitars on my back and a suitcase with my best friend who also has raggy clothes. Don’t you dare even look like you feel sorry for us because you don’t even know.

It pissed me off…

December scared me.

I felt a chill run up my spine as we turned a corner. Have I walked here before once? Maybe when I was wandering around back when I was eight… exactly ten years ago it’s been that I was confused and scared and…

Wait…

My head started to hurt so much. I remember… only two days I’d been walking… did I come from California? Did I run from California to Ohio in two days? Impossible… and I’m pretty sure I was hurt, so I couldn’t have…

I hugged myself as the chills and coldness grew stronger. Erin and I were quiet now, just concentrating on walking. I sighed and shut my eyes as I kept walking. I’m tired already. This is so hard… but I’m not giving up.

I’ve learned things in school in the orphanage, but I’m going to learn something they could never teach me…

My Past. I’ll hunt for the truth of it somehow…

One clue is California, and that’s where I’m heading for… and nothing or no one is going to stop me.

-Adult-
Adjective: Having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature.
Noun: 1. A person who is fully grown and developed or of age. 2. A person who has attained the age of maturity as specified by law.