Your Blackbird

It was hard concentrating on finding my dad when my mind couldn't stop thinking about the circles on my hands Brendon had made. In fact my skin still tingled where it was touched. I'm not quite sure if that's normal, but then again I am looking for my drunk dad driving in the neighborhood. Nothing is normal anymore.

"Okay, if I was your dad where would I be?" Brendon asked, turning into another lane, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

"Um, at a bar?" his drumming fingers were distracting me even more. I wanted to grab them to make them stop or maybe I just wanted to hold them, to have that comfort back.

"Of course." he did u-turn to head back south. "Okay, it's a blue car right?"

"Yes, it's a blue car with scratches on the side from when he drove into a ditch a few months ago." I said bitterly thinking of how that all went down. My dad drove into a ditch, walked home, collapsed on his bed with mud and sticks and leaves still stuck to him, and I had to walk around at 1 in the morning to find the god damn car and turn it off so when I returned a few hours later when there was daylight it wasn't dead.

Sometimes I don't feel 17, I feel more like 47. I feel like I'm the dad.

"Hmm..." I could practically hear the gears in Bren's head turn. "I don't see it...there are other bars around here, right?" he asked.

"Yeah...I think there's one 15 minutes east. Don't remember the name." I pointed to a street that we'd have to drive by.

We both stayed quiet on our way to the next destination.

It's weird thinking about the past when there's so much going on in the present but I couldn't help but remember that things used to be different. I used to live in a household with both parents and no problems. I used to go out and have fun with friends. Stacey and I could talk for hours together and just be happy. But now not so much. Mom is gone, I'm barely allowed to see friends, and Stacey has closed herself off from me and the rest of the world. But I'll worry about her later. Right now I just have to find this fucktard.

"I spy...a blue car with scratch marks, is that our girl?" Brendon nodded to the right of the parking lot and there it was, my dad's car.

"And bingo was his name oh." I responded. Ready to jump out of my seat the minute we parked.

"I'll go inside and see if I can find him, you check his car and see if everything looks okay." Bren instructed then walked away to the bar's entrance.

Really, what would I do without him? He just has this natural ability of taking control and handling things until it's done and done. I've always wanted to be around someone like that.

I looked through the car's windows, looking for anything, I'm not completely sure what. Maybe empty bottles, I don't know. There was nothing and the door was unlocked so I just opened it to inspect further, just in case.

It smelled awful inside. Like musk, alcohol, and cigarettes. It was disgusting. I opened the rest of the doors to air it out. How could he even breathe in the stench?

Before I knew it Brendon was jogging back to me.

"He's in there." he panted. I ignored the way his mouth opened as he took a deep breath and his ass stuck out when he placed each hand on a knee to steady himself for a second.

"Thank, fucking, god." I sighed in relief, running one of my own hands through my hair.

"He's passed out on the ground. Also, he seems to have broken some shit inside, I don't know what but looks like he'll have to pay a $500 fine."

"Fuck, fuck, shit, dammit." I kicked the ground to take out my anger but, surprise it didn't fucking work "Dammit, he's not going to pay for that stuff, I know him. I'll have to pay for it and I still have to pay for the electric bill this month! And Stacey's trip to Chicago for some orchestra thing."

Brendon gave a sympathetic look. "I'll help pay for it."

"No, no, it's my job. Well, his job. But whatever, you already do enough for me." I hated this, I hated depending on Brendon this much all of the time. It didn't seem fair, especially when I know he needs someone to lean on nowadays. I feel so fucking useless and like I take and take and never give.

"Dude, let me help pay the fucking fine."

"No." I looked directly into his eyes.

He didn't look away.

"You can pay me back sometime, anytime." he offered.

I thought about it. Okay, I have a few random jobs lined up like mowing lawns, that racks up at least $200. I have my real job at a convenience store and that pays $300 a week. I'm getting a check in the mail for some writing contest I entered and won for $50. That's $550...just enough to cover the bar fee. But the electric bill is due any day now and Stace's trip is at the end of this month and that's like $1,000. Last time I checked $550 wasn't code for $2000, the amount I definitely need if I want to cover everything.

"Fine, you can help pay." the words were hard to get past my lips. I've always been a bit proud on how I've held things together by myself for so long. But maybe I guess it's time to accept help, no matter how much it sucks knowing that I'm failing.

Brendon tried to hide the look of victory in his eyes. I could tell he was really glad I had easily gave in. I could tell he really wanted to help. Once again I wished I had more caring people around like him.

"Okay, let's carry out my dad to the van, that way he can just lay in the back."

"What about his car?"

"Um...I'll just come back later and pick it up."

"So you're going to need another ride here?" he asked as we walked towards the bar's doors.

Great, more relying on him.

"I guess."

I grabbed a handle and pulled to let us inside.

Let me tell you, Brendon and I aren't the strongest people. I mean there's some muscle, but not a whole lot. And with our weight? Let's just say it took a while before we could push my dad into the van. And I have to admit, I hope he landed hard on the carpet because any physical pain he gets would make me happy.

The ride back to my place was silent as well and once we got there we just dragged my dad somehow to his room and reassured Stacey that everything was fine.

Turn's out my cousin, Hannah, had decided to come over to help out. Not sure what that means. But at least Stace has someone to distract her from these fucked up incidents.

"When do you want a ride back to the bar? Now or tomorrow?" Brendon asked, we were sitting in my room, taking a break from not being kids.

"Um...tomorrow. I just want to rest right now."

"Sounds good." he nodded. "You can stay at my house again if you want."

"No, I need to be here when he wakes up...plus Stacey..."

"She could just stay at Hannah's apartment. It's only a few minutes away."

"How do you know that?"

"When you were talking to the bar owner on the phone when we got back Hannah introduced herself and stuff. I never knew you had cousins that lived around here."

"Yeah, well. I'm not one to talk about my family much, you know that." It bugged me that Hannah hadn't bothered to wait until I was off of the phone before talking to Brendon. I don't know. It's just weird thinking I was taking care of business and she was making moves on my friend. Well, I don't know that for sure...but Hannah's always been the kind of girl to hit on any guy nearby. I remember she once had a fling with Spencer and...it didn't turn out well. And why would Brendon be interested in her anyway? Last I heard he was into some girl named Jack. Or Jac. Or whatever.

"You okay?" his eyebrows raised.

Like always, I'm thinking too hard and too much.

"Yeah, I'm just tired."

"I'll let you get some sleep then." he stood up and headed straight through the doorway.

"Wait, B." I stood up, walking quickly after him. He turned, hearing his nickname called.

"Yeah?"

"Just...thanks...a lot. It means a lot to know...someone cares enough to just..." I didn't know what to say really. How do you tell a friend that they're everything you need and you could never repay them?

I gave up with speaking and pulled him into a hug, squeezing tight. His hands rubbed on my back lightly in circles, like they had done to my hands hours before.

"No problem."