My Toxic Valentine

When Jack woke the next morning he and Alex were a tangled mass of limbs.

It would've been difficult for an outsider to distinguish where one boy ended and the next started.

It was the best nights sleep that Jack had gotten in as long as he could remember. He wasn't sure if this was because he was in a comfortable bed, was completely exhausted or because Alex had continued to hold him all night.

He suspected it was some combination of all three, but that there was a strong emphasis on the third. It had been a long time since Jack had been held.

He almost wasn't ashamed of it. Of the shaking, the whimpering and his absolute break down. The fact that some boy- some beautiful, sweet and goddamn near-perfect boy- had felt the need to hold him like a child, to continue to soothe him during the night.

Almost.

He was ashamed enough to consider getting up and leaving. He was completely humiliated and he couldn't fathom why Alex had felt compelled to be so kind to him.

Especially after he found out the truth.

He knew everything about Jack now; there was no hiding his past any more and Jack felt dirty with the shame of it.

Jack could barely stand to look at himself after the things he'd done. He knew that Alex was just being polite to him; nobody really wants the homeless kid to hang around.

He knew that the kindest thing he could do for Alex would be to just leave quietly right now. But if Jack knew that was the right thing to do, why was he finding it impossible to move?

With a sigh he began to untangle himself from Alex.

“Don't you fucking dare move,” Alex said sleepily, tightening his grasp around Jack's waist. “ You're not running away from me again. I told you I wouldn't let you.”

Jack smiled, in spite of himself. Alex sounded genuine, more so than anyone he'd ever met. That didn't mean that Jack was going to let him in completely though.

He'd been hurt too many times to open himself up again.

He was willing to give this- whatever this was- a shot though. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to give Alex what he wanted, but he thought it was worth at least trying to place a little bit of faith in the older boy so that they could at least have a real friendship.

It felt strange being held like this, especially now that his minor breakdown had passed. Alex didn't seem like he'd be letting go any time soon though, so Jack let himself relax back into his embrace.

He still wasn't sure if he believed what Alex had said about wanting to be the one holding him. After all that Jack had told him, how could that possibly be true?
It took Jack everything he had to crawl out of bed- wherever that may have been the night before- most mornings. How could Alex, a perfect stranger with no vested interest in Jack's life, possibly care so much?

But Jack was willing to give him a shot, to open up a little bit, because, as much as he tried to deny it, he really wanted to let Alex in.

But he definitely would not be accepting any fucking handouts or charity.

“I can set the guest room up properly for you today, if you want,” Alex said, resting his head on Jack's shoulder.

“W-what?” Jack asked, confused and trying not to focus on the fact that he could feel Alex's breath on his neck because they were that damn close.

“Well, you can stay in here with me. That's fine but I thought you might like your own space .”

“I'm not staying here,” Jack replied bluntly.

Alex frowned. “Of course you're staying here. Where else would you go?”

“Back t-”

“No,” Alex cut him off, his voice unusually terse and authoritarian “I told you. I'm not letting you live like that. You deserve better.”

“No, I don't,” Jack said quietly.

Alex sighed, holding the younger boy even closer to him. He pressed a gentle kiss to his shoulder blade.

“Yes, you do,” he murmured “And I will make you see that.”

It was an intimate action and just how right it felt to Jack just about took his breath away.

It felt loving.

Jack had begun to forget what love felt like; especially on the receiving end.

He shook his head just slightly. “How can you think that after everything I told you?”

“Have you even thought that maybe I'm not the one with the warped perception of you... but you are?” Alex asked, sincerity obvious in his voice.

Jack didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He still wasn't sure he believed the older boy, but he knew that arguing was pointless and that, for some reason, Alex genuinely believed what he was saying.

“Please stay,” Alex said.

“What about your parents?” Jack asked “They're not going to want a... they're not going to want someone like me staying here.”

Alex shrugged. “I don't care. I want you here.”

Jack was still hesitant, and apparently that showed because Alex continued.

“Look, they won't even be back for another couple of weeks. We'll figure something else out then, but I know they'd be alright with it. Please, Jack.”

The tone in Alex's voice was almost begging. It made Jack think that maybe leaving wasn't the kindest thing he could do for Alex. In fact, it made him feel as though it would be the most painful thing he could do to him.

“Okay,” Jack said finally “But it's only temporary and you have to let me give you money when I can.”

“Uh-huh,” Alex said, a smile on his face. It was obvious that he was only humouring the younger boy.

“I will be,” Jack said as sternly as he could “I make money at the di- fuck! I was meant to go in today!” He threw the blankets off himself and, in his attempt to get up quickly, felt out of the bed.”

Alex snorted and Jack glared at him from the floor. “Not funny. I'm going to be late and I need this job.”

Alex shook his head. “Not today. I called them and said you wouldn't be in today.”

“You what?” Jack asked, confused.

“You need to just rest for a day, settle in here. And you've still gotta be sore from last night,” Alex pointed out.

He raised a valid point. Jack was definitely feeling it after hitting the floor. He ached all over and he could feel where scratches and scabs had formed on his face.

“I need that job, Alex.”

“I know,” Alex said softly “But not today.”

He held the blankets up again and patted the space next to him. “Come on. We can rest for a bit longer and then we need to go into town.”

Although Jack wasn't particularly satisfied by Alex's actions, he understood that they meant he cared. He gingerly got up off the floor and settled himself back in Alex's bed. “Why do we have to go into town?”

“Because you don't own clothes,” Alex said bluntly “And while I'm happy to share mine, they really don't fit you.”

Jack closed his eyes, remembering that the assholes who beat him up the night before had literally taken everything he owned.
Just for fun.

“I don't own anything,” he said quietly “And I can't really afford to buy anything.”

“My treat,” Alex said, wrapping his arms around Jack's skinny frame once more “and don't fucking argue.”

Jack smiled. “Fine. I'm keeping your Blink-182 shirt though.”

Alex laughed. “Deal.”

The silence between them was comfortable now; Alex absently rubbing circles on Jack's back with his palm, still constantly comforting him.

As much as he didn't want to, Jack knew this was a silence he had to break.

“Alex,” he began hesitantly.

“Mmm?” came the lazy, distracted reply as he traced the outline of Jack's ribs “We really need to feed you up.”

“You know that I can't... I can't give you anything, right?” Jack chose to ignore the comment about his weight, focussing on the issue at hand.

“I don't expect anything,” Alex replied with a frown, his hand stopping.

Jack took a deep breath before expanding. “I can't give you a relationship or anything. I can't be with you. Not like that. Not right now. ”

Alex nodded, a slightly sad smile on his face. “I know. I mean, I'd like to but... I know. I don't expect anything from you. I just want you to be happy and safe, Jack.”

Jack smiled back at the older boy. It was a nice feeling, he decided, being able to lay in someone's arms and not have to worry about what they wanted in return. Knowing that just being there with them, just being happy and existing was enough.

In fact, he thought, it was the best fucking feeling ever.