My Toxic Valentine

Alex was surprised that Jack had suddenly decided he wanted to tell him everything, considering he'd been so reluctant up until now.

He wasn't going to complain though. Nor was he going to interrupt. If Jack was willing to pour out his heart; to tell Alex everything about himself, Alex was more than willing to listen.

He sat silently, waiting for Jack to begin speaking. The younger boy was still visibly uncomfortable and took a couple of moments to gather his thoughts before speaking.

“It's kind of a long story...” he warned.

Alex smiled. “I've got time.”

Jack took a final sip of his hot chocolate and pushed the mug away, taking a deep breath before he started speaking.

“I guess I should start at the beginning. I left home when I was 16; about a year ago now,” he paused, looking up at Alex “Home is in Virginia.”

Alex nodded, just enough to let Jack know he was listening to him, but didn't speak, prompting Jack to continue.

“Uh, I guess I didn't really have that many friends at school or anything. I spent a lot of time just playing guitar and talking online to people. I came across this guy, we started talking and we got along really well. My parents didn't know that I was gay until I was already kind of... involved with him, I guess. I told them I was dating this guy and they were surprisingly okay with it. Then they found out that he lived in Brooklyn. I was kind of already planning to meet him and they were pretty pissed about that. But I loved him, I guess...” Jack trailed off, a faint blush creeping over his cheeks.

“So, did you go anyway?” Alex asked gently after a few moments of silence.

Jack nodded. “Yeah. We had kind of a massive argument about it... I didn't think there was any reason for me to stay in Richmond, so I left. It was stupid, I know. I just wanted to be with him more than anything, I guess. So I took some clothes and my guitar and took a train to Brooklyn.”

It was the kind of hopelessly romantic story that Alex adored, but he knew that there had to be more to it than this. There had to be some reason that Jack had gone from leaving his family to be with a guy he was in love with to living on the streets and ending up in Baltimore.

As if reading Alex's mind, Jack spoke again. “When I got there, he met me and it was great. I was happy. I called my parents, told them where I was. They were furious, but I said I wasn't coming back. Haven't spoken to them since,” Jack finished quietly. It was obvious from the crack in his voice as he spoke, and the unbearably pained expression on his face that he missed them immensely.

“I probably should've listened to them and just gone home, because things didn't stay good for long. He just expected me to leave everything behind for him and I did. But when I got there he only wanted me when he could be bothered, and all he wanted from me was sex. He had a nasty streak and could be a real asshole... spent most of his time getting drunk with friends that were just like him. Then, for fun, he'd tell me how ugly I was and that he was too good for me. He was a prick, basically,” Jack said with a heavy sigh.

“But I didn't have anywhere else to go and I was scared about what my parents would say if I went back home, so I just stayed with him. It didn't get any better though. I found out he was using drugs, which explained the temper, and then it just got worse. He tried to convince me to get high with him and I wouldn't. So, he'd hit me, then fuck me, then tell me he loved me. Then one day I just couldn't do it anymore and I left.”

Alex was gnawing on his bottom lip so hard that it was a wonder he hadn't drawn blood. The thought of someone, some lowlife asshole, treating Jack; the boy he was fucking falling in love with, so badly was just painful for him. It made him furious because this prick had completely ruined any chance of Jack being happy with anyone else because he'd made him insecure and over cautious.

All Alex wanted to do was to just take the younger boy into his arms, to hug him until he was numb, 'til it didn't hurt anymore, and to make him see how much that prick never deserved him.

“What happened then?” Alex asked quietly, almost frightened of the answer.

Jack sighed. “When I left I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't know anyone except for his friends and considering I'd just left him without so much as a goodbye, I didn't think they'd be willing to help me out. So I started sleeping on the streets; in parks, alleys, anywhere dry and relatively clean, basically. I stayed in Brooklyn for awhile. Which was a mistake. He knew I was there, he followed me a couple of times, gave me a few touch-ups, but I couldn't afford to get out. He'd used all the money I had, I just had my backpack and guitar. I didn't busk then, because I didn't want to risk him seeing me, so I...” Jack trailed off, closing his eyes for the briefest moment before continuing in a shaking voice “I had to do some shit I wasn't proud of. I stole, I begged, I let old perverts fuck me in public parks, I just... I just had to get out, away from him, and I needed money to do it.”

There was a silence, Alex processing what he'd just been told and Jack almost shaking from having to relive everything and nauseous from anxiety over how Alex would react.

“Jack,” Alex began, looking up to meet Jack's eyes.

Jack shook his head and cut him off. “Don't. I know what you're going to say. I'm disgusting, pathetic and stupid. I fucking know, okay. I was desperate.” His voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper now.

“No, I don't think that,” Alex said quickly “I'm just so fucking sorry that you had to go through that.”

The look Jack gave him then was searching, curious and exhausted. His barriers were still very much up, despite the conversation they were having, and he seemed to be trying to find sincerity in Alex's words.

“I haven't done it since I left Brooklyn. None of it. I've just gotten through by busking, I swear to God. I shouldn't have stayed in Brooklyn. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made,” he took a deep breath and shrugged “And since then I've just moved state to state, city to city. And here I am.”

“I had no idea,” Alex said quietly. “I'm so sor-”

“Don't apologise,” Jack interrupted “You've been so good to me. I promise I was never using you, Alex. I really do like you, it's just...”

Alex managed a weak smile and a nod. “I know. It's fine.”

There was really nothing more to say. There was no way for Alex to erase all the hurt and shame that Jack felt, as much as he wanted to. They just sat in silence, both boys exhausted from the mixture of emotion and, in Jack's case, physical pain.

The younger boy was fighting to keep his eyes open and, noticing this, Alex stood up. “Come on, you really need to sleep.”

Jack looked up at him through his dark lashes, exhaustion evident in his features. “You don't have to let me stay, you know. I'm not a charity case.”

“I want you to,” Alex answered, his voice filled with sincerity “Please.”

Jack smiled and stood up, wincing slightly. He followed Alex upstairs and the older boy gestured to the door directly next to his bedroom.

“This guest room's made up, so you can sleep there or...” he trailed off awkwardly, not really knowing where he was going with that statement.

“C-can I just stay with you? I don't really want to be alone right now,” Jack mumbled, blushing scarlet with embarrassment.

Alex just, a slight smile playing at his lips, as he pushed open his bedroom door. They got ready for bed in silence, both shedding layers so they were just in sweatpants, and got under the covers, laying so that there was a comfortable gap between them in the sizeable bed.

Alex heard Jack sniff softly and wondered if the younger boy had finally broken down and started to cry. He wasn't really sure how to comfort him, but he knew that he really wanted to try.

“I know you’re not really a touchy person, but… can I?” Alex whispered softly, not wanting to break the silence that had settled. He touched Jack’s arm gently, hoping he’d understand what he meant.

“Yeah,” Jack answered, just as quietly. “If you want to.”

“I do,” Alex said, wrapping his arms around Jack’s thin frame and holding him as close as possible “I really do.”

There was silence as Jack relaxed into Alex’s embrace. Just as Alex thought Jack may’ve fallen asleep he spoke, his timid voice broke through the silence of the room.

“Why?”

Alex felt his heart begin to break as he realized that Jack couldn’t fathom why someone would want to take him into their arms.

“Because,” Alex whispered, nuzzling his face into Jack’s neck, trying in some way, any way, to comfort the younger boy “You need to be held. And I want to be the one holding you.”