Almost Easy

Three years ago I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Do I regret it? No. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made in the past even if it has brought me some sort of trouble, or heart ache, because all of those things add a bit to my maturity and understanding of life in some kind of way.

Deep inside, I know leaving Huntington was the best choice I could have made, for everybody. I still remember that night very clearly. After I arrived in New Jersey, life was hard. I had to live in an old, cheap, trashy motel while I struggled to find a job. I applied in any job possible because at that time, any job would do. I had to ask around in the streets for money after I had ran out. I ended up finding a job at a local bar in Jersey which payed me a decent amount of money, but it still wasn't enough to rent an apartment since I was barely starting out.

I ended up becoming really good friends with one of the other bartenders that worked with me, her name was Jade. When she found out that I was living in a motel she offered to let me live with her in her two bedroom apartment as long as I helped her pay the bills.

The hardest thing ever was trying to live without the ones I love. I found myself drinking a lot and basically throwing my life away. Jade would help me as much as she could, but I never told her about my past. I have never told anyone about my past. Can you imagine? They'd think I'm crazy.

I miss having people at home that I can call "Mom and Dad." I miss my best friend Heather, don't get me wrong I love Jade for everything she has done to help me get my life back on track, but nobody can ever replace the close bond I had with Heather.

Worst of all, I miss Zack. I shouldn't after what that asshole did to me and believe me, I have tried so hard to get over him. I've dated countless guys in these 3 years, but I never felt with them, the same thing I felt with Zack. The feeling is indescribable. When we would touch I'd feel a rush, he gained my trust and that is not an easy thing to do.

I feel like there is a big empty hole inside of me whenever I'm not around him, but no matter how hard I desperately try to fill that hole, I can't. I wasn't looking for love when I found him, it must have been fate. After everything we had been through, he made it obvious to me on that night that I wasn't the person he wanted anymore, but I love him so much it hurts. I never mistreated him, I put down my walls and let him in, and he just crushed me. I should have listened to everything everyone was telling me. They told me to stay away, they warned me, but I went on and stayed with him anyways. I thought what we had was real, he told me we'd be forever. Now here I am sitting in this empty room, all alone. How foolish I was to believe him.

During the day everyone sees the smiles that I fake, the smiles I have no choice but to put on when I wake, but once again this is all for the best.

Here I am 3 years of my life thrown away. I'm sitting in this empty apartment looking back at my life. Its almost easy to go back home to my family. It's almost easy to run back into Zack's arms and forgive him . It's almost easy to pick up my cellphone and call Heather, and catch a plane back to Huntington, but I won't do that. I've learned from my mistakes. I'm not going back to that now.