I Won't Say I'm in Love

“We’re here,” Nate announced, pulling into the driveway and turning down the music so that we could hear each other. I looked out the tinted window and sure enough, the familiar little blue house was standing at the end of the driveway. The whole ride from the edge of town, here—about a fifteen minute drive—we listened to the radio and sang songs like “Check Yes, Juliet” by We the Kings and “I Write Sins, Not Tragedies” by Panic at the Disco at the top of our lungs. We had really hit it off when I was hanging out with Konstatina for dinner over at her house. He had flirted with me to the point where I could no longer ignore him and had to taunt back. It started out as mild case of teasing and had slowly progressed into a severe case of shameless flirting.

He leaned over my lap to look out my window and I caught a whiff of his scent which was a mixture of musk and cinnamon. “Mmmm, that house is a little too far away from my taste. I should walk you in,” he offered in his sultry British voice, sitting up in his chair and smiling his crooked smile at me, causing my heart to skip a beat.

“You’re right. You never know when a crazy serial killer could attack,” I agreed, making him laugh. He got out of the car and opened my door for me.

“After you, m’lady,” he said, bowing and waving a hand toward the house while holding my door open for me.

“Why, thank you ever so much, kind sir,” I said in a fake British accent.

“Were you trying to sound British just then? ‘Cause you didn’t. You sounded Austrailian,” he informed me with his hands in his pockets as we walked down to the house.

“No, I was trying to sound Austrailian,” I told him, nudging my shoulder against his which he soon did to me. “Besides, Australian guys are sexier anyway,” I added, covertly cutting my eyes at him. He raised his eyebrows at me.

“Oh yeah?” he challenged. I looked straight ahead and nodded, smirking the whole time. He stepped in front of me, causing me to stop, and placed his hands on my shoulders and sniffed my neck jokingly. I shuddered at the thought of his lips being there, but quickly shook the thought out of my head. He straightened up, but kept his hands on my shoulders.

“Was you sniffing me supposed to be sexy?” I asked him with a quizzical expression. He leaned forward so that his nose was only a couple of inches from mine. I raised my eyebrows and made it come off like I wasn’t interested, but I was desperately yearning to close the gap between our mouths and fervently kiss him.

“You liked it,” he joked, staring at my lips, but still grinning. I noticed that his face was moving ever so close to mine. I couldn’t help but gaze at his full, smooth mouth and wonder what it would be like to have his lips on mine.

“Oh, did I?” I taunted, still keeping up my façade.

“You did,” he chuckled, nodding while still moving his lips closer and closer to mine. I rolled my eyes and pushed him away from me last minute and began walking down to my door. I heard him lightly laugh behind me before walking me the rest of the way to the door in silence. We arrived at the door and stood across from each other, both staring at it.

“Well, I guess I should go inside now,” I said, looking at him. He looked over at me as well and pushed his fingers through his hair.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you should,” he breathed. We stared at each other for a while and for about the hundredth time tonight, I wanted with all my being to passionately kiss Nate Katsaros on his full, inviting lips.

“Well, this was fun. We should…do it again sometime,” I said lamely, placing my hand on the doorknob. I began opening the door before Nate grabbed the doorknob and closed it once again.

“Or! Or,” he laughed, stepping in front of me so that I couldn’t go in. He leaned his back against the door frame and crossed his ankles and his arms as he looked over his shoulder at me. “Crazy idea here—wacky even,” he started, throwing his hands up in the air before returning his burning gaze to mine. “But we could go on an actual date,” he said as if it were the most original idea ever invented. I decided to play along, so I widened my eyes, gasped and put a hand to my face.

“Intriguing! Please, continue,” I requested. He laughed and shook his head.

“You’re cute,” he interjected before going on with his brilliant proposition. “I dunno, I was thinking…I’d pick you up in my awesome car. I’d get you a rose…wear a shirt that matches your eyes…” he added sexily making my breathing hitch as I watched his flawless face carefully. He continued on with his proposal. “We’d dance, laugh, eat, burp, kiss…do more if you like,” he added. I playfully punched him in the shoulder making him chuckle. “Then I’d take you home, and the night would come to a close all too soon,” he finished. I nodded, now interested.

“And just when do you plan to take me on this magnificent—as you call it—date?” I asked him. He smiled and stood up straight, facing me.

“Um…I dunno. I was thinking tomorrow?” he admitted scratching the back of his head and furrowing his brow.

“Well, somebody sure is eager to go out with me,” I teased. He smiled and stepped a bit closer to me.

“You’re right. I really want to know when I’m gonna see you again. In fact I’m using all my will power not to take you back to my bedroom and …” He reached a hand out to push a lock of hair behind my ear and move his hand to my neck. “Have my way with you…” he finished, his eyes searching mine for some kind of signal to go for it, but he never did. My heart was slamming against my ribcage and I was afraid it was going to burst out and land on Nate’s face which would not only be fatal, but embarrassing.

“What time tomorrow?” I asked, hooking my fingers through his belt loops and pulling him closer to me. I had no idea what was giving me so much courage, but I felt confident as I lightly pressed my body against his while he stroked my face.

“Hm?” he breathed as he pressed his forehead against mine with his eyes closed.

“When are you picking me up for our date tomorrow?” I asked him. His brow furrowed a little bit more.

“Tomorrow’s Friday?” he questioned. I nodded as I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist, breathing in his aroma. “Six. I’ll pick you up at six,” he replied, swallowing. I felt him press his lips against my forehead. They lingered there for quite some time before he pulled away. “G’night, love,” he whispered smoothly.

And before I knew it, he was out of my arms and walking up the driveway to his car. My breathing was shaky and I struggled to open the door. My arms were so weak that the wood felt extra heavy…but I soon realized that it was because everyone was pressed against it eavesdropping. I sighed and quickly went around to the front door which I hardly ever entered. Lucky for me, it was unlocked, so I didn’t have to make extra noise fumbling with my keys.

I crept quietly through the small living room until I could see into the kitchen where, sure enough, all the boys and Sam had an ear pressed against the door, straining to hear non-existent mumbles. I sighed and walked into the kitchen, however, they still didn’t hear me. I looked over at Emily who was sitting at the tiny, yellow kitchen table drinking hot tea out of a chipped mug. She looked up at me and shrugged as if to say, “What are you gonna do? Boys will be boys.” I tossed my keys onto the table which made a loud clattering noise, catching everyone’s attention. All the guys looked over at me as I waved smugly, one hand on my hip.

Soon, all the boys had crowded around me and began mocking Nate, repeating his lines in horrid British accents and adding in some things to make him sound like an egotistical horndog. Whch he was, but just hardly. He was sweeter and funnier than he was perverted. My favorite line was from Paul where he said, “It’s taking all my willpower not to drag you back to my love den and take you like the awesome sex god I am in my super cool car that my rich adopted uncle bought me. Did I mention I wanna see you naked?” he said.

“Oho! Very sophisticated Paul. That’s awesome!” I joked, my voice dripping with sarcasm. However, I was still slightly amused, so I gave him a high five. I looked over all the boys’ heads and saw Jacob standing rigidly by the door being talked to by Sam. I could see his hands shaking slightly and I pushed through the guys so I was standing a few feet away from them.

“What, you have nothing to say?” I teased. I was actually pretty surprised that Jacob hadn’t joined in the taunting like everyone else. His eyes met mine and they weren’t Jacob’s eyes. They were someone else’s entirely. They were filled with a cold fire that seemed to burn me and I recoiled, a bit afraid of him. He stormed over to a chair, grabbed his bag and moved to the door. In his hurry to get out of the house, he nearly knocked me over. He scrunched his nose and looked down it at me in disgust.

“God, you smell like him,” he growled as if it were the foulest stench on earth and I were nothing but a crushed bug on the sole of his boot. My heart fell and crashed into my stomach making me feel as if I had just been punched in the gut. He walked out and slammed the tiny, helpless door behind him causing the windows to rattle. I couldn’t really get my breath back on track, as hard as I tried, and my heart, now lying somewhere in my middle reigons, was hurting.

“Why is he so mad?” I asked, my voice trembling.

“He’s not mad at you, he’s mad at himself,” Sam said, his deep, level voice beginning to reassure me. He put his arm around my shoulders and guided me to the table where he sat me down. “Now we need to talk about this Nate boy,” Sam said, sitting next to me. “First of all, how old is he?” he asked seriously.

“Eighteen,” I answered quietly, still trying to shake off Jacob’s furious exit.

“Isn’t he a freshman in college?” Emily questioned.

“He’s taking a year sabbatical before college. He said he wants to stay home for a couple of months before going on to visit London. He’s planning to go to Oxford,” I explained.

“Well if he left, wouldn’t you be hurt?” Sam inquired. I frowned at him like that was a stupid question.

“We just met. I’m not about to beg him to stay here with me. I guess if we get serious enough, I would trust him not to go or at least have a serious conversation with me before leaving. We haven’t even had our first date yet—”

“Which sounds like it’s going to be tomorrow. Which you also agreed to without consulting us first,” Emily pointed out.

“I figured you guys would be okay with it,” I countered. The real reason was because I didn’t want to sound like a baby in front of Nate.

“Well, I’m not sure I want you going out with him,” Emily said, her eyes widening as she leaned forward a bit. I frowned. I wasn’t used to people telling me what I could and could not do. Without my mom at home who actually cared what kind of shenanigans I got into, I was used to being able to party until three in the morning and stumble into bed at four, slightly buzzed; no questions asked.

“And why is that?” I asked, a slight challenge in my voice.

“Boys, go home,” Sam ordered without taking his eyes from Emily and I. The boys all groaned and sulked out of the house. When the kitchen was empty except for Sam, Emily and I, Emily began speaking again.

“Nate Katsaros is known for being quite a ladies’ man. Rumor has it that he’s gotten three girls pregnant,” Emily whispered, as if Nate himself would hear us. I raised my eyebrows at her.

“Well, that shows you where gossiping will get you: nowhere,” I argued, narrowing my eyes and cocking an eyebrow. She sighed huffily and Sam reached across the table and took her hand while draping his large, muscly arm over the back of my chair. When Sam’s skin came in contact with Emily’s, I saw her visibly relax and release a breath I didn’t know she had been holding.

“I just wanted you to know that he may not be the most trustworthy boy,” she said. The concern in her voice broke me as I realized that she was only being a parent because she cared. I reached my hand across the table to take her other one and stroked the back of it with my thumb.

“Emily, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I may not be all that sure of what I’m doing, but I know enough not to do anything stupid on a first date, mkay?” I reassured her. She sighed and looked at me worriedly. “Mkay?” I asked more severely now. She nodded. I smiled and let go of her hand. Standing, I kissed Sam on the forehead and walked around the table to kiss Emily as well.

“Good night, you guys. I’ll see you in the morning,” I promised as I walked up the stairs. “I wonder if I’m gonna see Jake in the morning,” I mumbled to myself as I slipped out of my clothes, pulled on a white tanktop and slept in that and my black boyshorts. It took me a while to go to sleep because couldn’t stop thinking of Jacob’s cold, fiery eyes. I had never imagined that Jake—my Jake—could ever look at anybody in that way, especially me. He looked so detached; so cruel. It was scary the way he glared at me and his words had cut through my heart like a knife. I could feel the wounds beginning reopen as I recalled this recent event and they stung as if somebody had rubbed salt in them.

I tried desperately to get some rest, but my sleep was constantly interrupted by nightmares that were simply repeats of Jacob’s outburst. And each time I woke up, the cuts in my heart hurt even worse. The fifth time I woke up, it was five-thirty and only half an hour until I had to get ready. I turned off my alarm clock and took thirty extra minutes in the shower before I dried off and blow dried my hair. I threw on light wash jeans, a black tanktop, white leather ankle boots and white knit cap before trooping downstairs. I had of course, expected to see Emily cooking breakfast over a hot stove, but instead when I came downstairs, I saw Emily helping Sam with his daily crossword puzzle. “Good morning, sweetheart,” she trilled as I arrived in the kitchen.

“Good morning,” I greeted as she got up and kissed me on the cheek.

“’Morning,” Sam grunted as I kissed him on the cheek. “What’s a six letter name for Pooh’s gloomy friend?” he asked as I walked to the cabinet and pulled out a Toaster Strudel.

“Eeyore,” Emily and I answered in unison.

“What kind of name is Eeyore? And how the hell do you spell it?” Sam asked. Taking a bite out of my apple, I reached over Sam’s shoulder and scribbled the letters in the corresponding boxes for him. He nodded and continued with his crossword, satisfied. We ate our breakfast in almost complete silence, interrupted every now and again by one of Sam’s crossword puzzle questions.

“You ready to go?” Emily asked as I threw away my Toaster Strudel wrapper. I looked at her as she stood up, my brow furrowed.

“Go? Where’s Jacob?” I questioned as Emily grabbed her keys.

She and Sam exchanged a look before she sighed and said, “Ah…Jacob isn’t taking you to school today. I am.” I looked at her as she walked out the door and to her small, green Volkswagen. My mouth had dropped open and my breathing was light and fast. I could already feel the effects of withdrawal from Jacob’s customary morning hug kicking in. I looked at Sam who just looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and then proceeded with his crossword puzzle.

I sighed and rolled my eyes before leaving the house in a huff. I climbed into the passenger seat of Emily’s car, sat back in my chair and crossed my arms, glaring out the rainy windshield. Emily frowned at me as she turned on the car—which responded with an unhealthy rumble—and blasted the heat. “You’re not mad that I’m taking you to school, are you?” she asked me as she began backing out of the driveway. I looked over and saw that she was trying to keep the unharmed side of her face composed, the part that wasn’t forever pulled into a menacing grimace, but was failing quite terribly. She was hurt that I didn’t want her to drive me to school and must have felt neglected and forgotten.

I took a deep breath, uncrossed my arms and sat up in my chair. “No, I’m not mad. I’m more just upset that Jacob didn’t take me. He always takes me, y’know? It’s like our thing. It’s our ‘us’ time where we get to just be goofy and talk and laugh and…” I realized I was rambling, so I took a deep breath before continuing. “He said it was his favorite part of the day. And it’s mine too. So if that’s true, why would he give that up just because I agreed to go on a date with someone else?” I wondered aloud.

“Jacob has a huge crush on you,” Emily said calmly, as if she were simply telling me that the sun rises in the east. I looked over at her, shocked.

“What?” I asked sharply. Emily took her eyes from the road for just a second to roll her eyes at me.

“Please. You know that boy adores you, and you love him too. He was just upset that somebody else is taking you on a date before he could work up the nerve to ask you out himself. I think he’s even more upset that it’s Nate Katsaros,” she said in her motherly tone of voice. I sighed and looked out the window.

“Yeah, well he’s had months. There’s no reason why he couldn’t have asked me out himself,” I reminded her glumly.

Emily sighed and cocked her head, letting her long, jet black hair spill out over her shoulders. “Sweetie, Jacob and Nate are two different boys,” she started. “Nate’s used to asking girls out and I guess, in a way, Jacob is too. But Jacob’s never had to ask out a girl he really, really likes before.”

“I guess…” I whined, still unconvinced.

“Or maybe he was just unsure if you’d say yes. Jacob isn’t a boy who takes rejection very well,” she added. I looked at her like she were crazy.

“Jacob? Nervous? What would he have to be nervous about?” I asked as we drove into the parking lot. “He’s smart, funny, sweet, a great listener, warm, kind, hot, talented, a sweetheart—”

“Well, maybe you should tell him that,” Emily signaled, pulling to a stop. I looked at her, confused by what she meant, but she nodded her head out my window and when I looked, I saw Jacob leaning against his truck, seeming embarrassed. I sighed and glared at him as he waved shyly. I looked over at Emily, opening my mouth to protest, but she was already holding my bag out for me to take.

“He’s sorry,” she mouthed. I narrowed my eyes at her, but she maintained her pleading look. Sighing, I kissed her on the cheek, grabbed my bag and got out of the car. She drove off and I walked over to Jacob, looking at the ground the whole time. When his feet came within my line of vision, I moved my eyes so that I was glaring up at him from under my eyelashes. However this time, I realized that his eyes were once again his eyes. They weren’t cold and foreign. They were the eyes that warmed my core and made me stand straighter.

They were the eyes that I had familiarized with happiness and safety. And without a word, or even a gesture, he pulled me into his arms and I had instantly forgiven him. I stayed there for a few moments, not hugging him back or pulling away. I just let my body go limp and I sank into him, letting him keep his warm, protective arms around me as I breathed in his essence. “I don’t know what happened last night and I hate myself for not taking you to school this morning. It was like I was on ‘Calypso withdrawal’; something didn’t feel right. I could hardly sleep last night knowing I had hurt you and I love you. I really do. Can you please forgive me?” he murmured into my hair. I sighed in relief that he wasn’t at all mad at me anymore and I looked up at him.

He reminded me distinctly of a puppy dog as he gazed down at me with his warm, apologetic eyes. I couldn’t help but smile and I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on the nose. “You’re forgiven,” I promised, cupping the side of his face with one of my hands. He placed his much bigger hand on top of mine and held it there, making me smile.

“Let’s get to class,” he said smiling, making my insides melt. I nodded and we proceeded, hand-in-hand, to our lockers.