I Won't Say I'm in Love

"The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any." -Marilyn Monroe

“Hey beautiful!” Nate shouted, throwing his arms up in the air and smiling at me when I entered the kitchen.

“Hey,” I sing-songed, trying to make my smile look genuine. My mind was definitely not with me at the moment. I was still focused on the interaction between Jacob and I a few minutes ago. Nate walked over to me and pulled me into a big hug. I unenthusiastically wrapped my arms around him, but cut my eyes to the side to watch for Jacob’s reaction. He was staring coldly at a wooden cabinet behind Nate, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. Eventually, Nate stepped back, but only enough so that I could look up into his eyes.

“So what’s up?” he asked casually. I shrugged.

“Not much. I just really want Emmett and Alice to get here—”

“Did somebody say my name?” I heard a boy’s voice ask from behind me. I looked around and, standing there, as breathtakingly beautiful as ever, was Emmett, his face beaming. Just his happiness lit up my world. I smiled and bounded into his arms. He easily caught me and began spinning me around as I giggled into his shoulder. I locked my arms around his neck and squinted my eyes shut as my legs were flying out behind me. He eventually set me on the ground and let go of me.

“How’s it going, sexy lady?” he greeted with a smile.

“It’s going sexy, super hunk,” I giggled before throwing my arms around him again. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me. Without letting go, I looked up at him. “Where’s Alice?” I questioned. Right on cue, Alice silently glided up beside Emmett, a grin on her face. I whooped and happily pitched myself into her arms.

“Hi, sweetie,” she laughed in my ear, returning the hug. I went to stand between her and Emmett to face the rest of the group, but kept my arm around her waist, and she kept hers around mine. “Nate, Tina, this is Emmett and Alice,” I introduced. “Emmett and Alice, this is Konstantina and Nate.” I took a deep breath ad got ready to begin the hard part that would hopefully go smoothly. “And Nate, this is Jacob; Jacob, Nate.” I kept my eyes trained on Jacob, hoping nobody would get murdered. A muscle was jumping in Jake’s cheek, and although his hands were stuffed in his pockets, you could see they were forming fists.

“Hey,” he muttered tensely, refusing to look directly at Nate. That seemed to be all he could utter without bashing Nate’s skull in. Nate gave him a polite nod. I gave a quiet sigh of relief.

“Well, now that everybody knows everybody, let’s PARTY!” Emmett shouted, leading the way out of the kitchen. Everyone else happily followed. I grinned to myself and claimed the back of the line, getting ready to follow everyone to the dance floor. Before I could though, I felt a large, warm hand grab my upper arm, stopping me. I looked around and saw Jacob staring down at me. He bent over a bit and put his mouth close to my ear.

“Can I talk to you a moment?” he murmured. His lips lightly brushed against my skin, sending shivers through my spine. I looked over to the living room, which was substituting as a club currently. The rest of the group had disappeared into the throng of kids grinding and dry-humping each other to the beat of the music. I looked back around at him and nodded. He slid his hand down my arm to my hand, taking it in his and weaving his calloused fingers through my smooth, slender ones.

He started dragging me to a side hallway. There were no “excuse me” ’s or “pardon us” ’s as we made our way through the mass of people. He pulled me into a dark, smoky passage way. The dim lighting for this particular section of the house was purple, as there was a lamp with a thin purple cloth tossed over it at the end of the hallway. There were a bunch of couples against the wall, their interactions ranging from tender, innocent cuddling to full on make-out sessions with hands down pants, up shirts and heavy panting. From the rooms that lined the hallway, there was the sound of banging headboards, creaking bedsprings, loud moaning and pleasured screaming. I raised an eyebrow as Jacob found a bare spot on one of the walls and pulled me over.

“You brought me to this hall of all places because…?” I asked skeptically.

“Because it was the quietest place within fifty feet,” he said.

Just then, from the room next to us, we heard a loud grunt and girl’s voice shout, “YES!” Jake and I both stared at the door with narrowed eyes before looking at each other. Once we saw each other’s maybe-we-shouldn’t-be-here faces, we started laughing. Rather loudly apparently because a nearby couple who was giggling and pecking each other shot us dirty looks. This made both of us want to laugh even louder, but we looked away and tried to stay quiet. We both leaned our backs against the wall, staring at the one right in front of us.

“Okay, Like I said: the quietest place within fifty feet,” he reiterated. I sniggered into my hand, which made him chuckle, but we tried to keep quiet so as to avoid the wrath of the happy couple again. Once we were done, I looked over at him.

“So what did you bring me over here for again?” I questioned. All traces of silliness on his face were now gone. He sighed.

“I don’t like Nate.”

I looked back at the wall in front of us, sighed, and slid down the wall until I was sitting. I saw Jacob staring down at me out of the corner of my eye. “Why not?” I said, my voice bordering on a whine. He sat down next to me so that my right leg and his left one were pressed together, sending an unwanted jolt of electricity through me and leaving me buzzed.

“He just seems…I don’t know…off to me.” We stared at the wall some more.

“You’ve barely talked to they guy. I’m sure you’ll warm up to him,” I protested. Jake shook his head; I was watching him out of the corner of my eye.

“You know how sometimes you meet someone and before they even get a word out, you hate them?” he inquired. I gasped and turned my head to look at him.

“You hate him?” I whined. Jake looked at me, shrugged, and nodded. My jaw dropped before I quickly snapped it back up into a pout.

“You know what I mean though? Sometimes, you just don’t like a person? For whatever reason, you just don’t?”

Jennifer, my mind quickly contributed.

“Yeah,” I said warily, a little upset about having to admit he was right.

“Well, that’s how I feel about Nate. I just…don’t.” He looked at the wall again. I sighed and did the same.

“Well, couldn’t you at least try to like him? Because I really do, and your opinion means a lot to me—”

“You more than like him, Calypso. You love him.”

“Huh?” I blurted, turning to look at him. He nodded, but refused to look me in the eye.

“You’re in love with Nate. I saw it when you kissed him. It was the way Bella looked—looks—when she kisses Edward. You’re in love, Calypso. You are head-over-heels, undoubtedly, and undeniably, in love with Nate Katsaros. And there’s nothing I can do about it.”

My heart broke. There was so much pain and hurt in his voice. I never knew a sound could have scars. It pained me deeply to see him this way. I wanted desperately to deny it. To convince him that he was delusional and there was no way I was in love with Nate, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. I couldn’t bring myself to slash his heart once again, making my marks next to the ones Bella had left when she told him that his love wasn’t enough. That he wasn’t enough.

Before I could figure out what I could possibly do to fetch Jacob out of this pit of despair and heartbreak that I was so quickly digging for him, someone stepped in front of us. I looked up into the face of the person and saw Nate staring down at us mistrustfully. He turned all of his attention to Jacob and stared coldly at him through narrowed eyes. Jacob stared back with a blank look, whose innocence plainly dared Nate to do something. I scrambled up in front of Nate, trying to block his view. “Hey,” I breathed rather nervously. I placed a shaking hand on his chest and pushed him back a little bit. After he was done glaring at Jake, he looked at me, his eyes a bit softer.

“I got you some Mike’s,” he muttered, handing me a clear bottle that was foggy from all the condensation on it. It was cold and wet when I took it into my palm, holding it by the neck. It was already open, so I took a big swig, cherishing the bite of the alcohol as it glided down my throat.

Just a few more sips of this stuff and I’ll actually be able to enjoy the party.

“Thanks,” I breathed, taking the bottle away from my lips. “Let’s get out of here,” I suggested, taking his hand and leading him out of the stuffy hallway. I spared a glance back at Jacob before we turned the corner. He was staring blankly at the wall ahead of him. If you didn’t know him, he could just be a lonely stoner, just trying to disappear from the world. I was almost sure I could see him slowly fading, right before my eyes.

I was about to go and talk to him, tell Nate to go on ahead. I wanted to tell Jake all the things I was thinking outside when our lips were inches from each other. I wanted to tell him about how I was hopelessly in love with him and deathly afraid of it. How I didn’t want my heart to completely belong to him, but couldn’t help it. How he made the world a better place and taught me how to be a better person inside of it. He was re-teaching me the art of love that I had so obviously forgotten, but was quickly remembering the longer I was with him. But before I could take that terrifying leap of faith, Nate tugged on my hand, pulling me to the right.

“C’mon,” he said, dragging me out the back door. I looked ahead again, dutifully following Nate outside of the stuffy, smelly house into the fresh air. The backyard had a large pool, whose lights were giving an eerie, luminescent glow in the dark night. There were a few girls and guys swimming in the pool; the girls in their bra and panties, the guys in their boxers. Konstantina was in there, on some guy’s shoulders, singing “Mary Had A Little Lamb.” She stopped her song to wave at me and shout, “Hello, love!” I smiled and waved back, blowing her a kiss. She caught it and stuffed it in her bra before continuing to sing. One of the boys was Paul. He was making out with Penelope Terra, who I had learned was the school slut. She was a nice girl. We’d had a few conversations and I had her phone number. Although she gave up the goods rather quickly, she was also a romantic. I just hoped Paul didn’t break the poor girl’s heart after he got what he wanted. There were kids playing games like Monopoly, Life, and UNO on the grass. Next to the pool, Jared, Kim, Embry, Quil, Seth, and a few other girls were playing Twister.

Seth, who was currently in a bridge position over some girl in a knot below him, saw me walking by. He smiled and lifted a hand to wave. I began to wave back, but he lost his balance and collapsed on the girl below him, almost knocking Embry over. They all began laughing and Seth and the girl crawled off the mat. I shook my head and chuckled as Nate led me over to the gate on the far side of the grass. He let go of my hand and turned on me, his eyes hardened. “So what’s up with you and this Jacob kid?” I could hear the accusation in his voice, and it immediately lit a spark in me.

“What are you talking about?” I asked him, challenging him to specify exactly what he was getting at. He lowered his voice, stepped a bit closer, and narrowed his eyes.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he spat. “You and Jacob seem to be awfully close—”

“Nate, he is one of my best friends. Of course it seems like we’re too close!” I hissed. My protesting was futile. Nate was right: I knew exactly what he was talking about. Jake and I were definitely more than friends. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to admit it out loud yet.

“It’s not a friendly thing, Calypso. It’s a romantic one. You can feel it in the air; it’s practically palpable,” he continued, more determined this time. I rolled my eyes acting like this was ridiculous. He and I both knew every bit of it was true, but I figured I should put up the charade to preserve both of our sanities.

“Nate, I promise you. Jake is just a friend. If you’re worried that I have some little side thing going on with him, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you, okay?” Although I was lying about Jake being just a friend, I wasn’t lying about being loyal to Nate. I would never be able to bring myself to do that to him. He already had some part of my heart under his control. And although it wasn’t quite as much as Jacob had, he was slowly catching up. Every time he smiled at me, or touched me, or kissed me, he had another fraction of my devotion. I think

Jacob was right.

I think I loved him.

“You swear?” he asked, his eyes softening. I could practically see him letting his guard down. I could feel myself becoming calmer as well. I gave a small smile and stepped closer to him.

“I swear,” I whispered, placing a palm on his cheek. He softly grinned and pulled my body against his by my waist. I giggled as he kissed my forehead before trailing butterfly kisses down to my waiting lips. My heart began pounding fervently in my chest as our lips moved together, so perfectly in sync, it was almost beautiful. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting my tongue poke around in his mouth. He slowly slid his hands down my back and put one of his hands in each of my back pockets. I smiled at the feel of his hands resting against my backside. I let one of my hands wander up and tangled my fingers in the back of his hair. I could’ve stayed here and kissed him all night. I would’ve stayed there and kissed him all night if it wasn’t for…

“Awww! How cute!” a high voice squealed. It sounded like it was coming closer. Nate and I didn’t believe it was for us until, right beside us, we heard the same person say, “You two are absolutely adorable together!” Nate groaned into my lips, making me grin before we both pulled away. Looking over, we saw Jennifer Keelan standing there with a cheesy smile, like nothing could make her happier than seeing the two of us together.

Bullshit.

“I’m so glad you guys could make it!” she exclaimed, sneakily breaking us apart by giving each of us a brief hug. “How are you liking the party so far?” she asked, widening her eyes to make herself appear more innocent.

“It’s great, Jennifer. Thanks for inviting us,” Nate said in a monotonous voice with a small, polite smile.

“No probs, hun! I’m glad you’re here,” she purred hitting him flirtatiously in the shoulder and giving him a wink. I rolled my eyes and tried to keep from snapping at her.

“NATE! Nate, sweetie, there you are!” I heard a girl’s voice shout. All three of us looked toward the door and, running toward Nate with a huge smile on her face, was Samantha. I rolled my eyes and turned my upper body so that my back was to both of the girls.

“So what’s up with you and this Samantha kid?” I quoted, using the same words Nate had used to interrogate me about Jacob. He sighed and turned his face a bit to whisper into my ear and look over my head.

“I told you. Nothing. She’s just a friend,” he whispered. We both looked around again.

“Yeah. A friend you wanna fu—”

“Watch your mouth,” he sing-songed, a slight smile on his face. I smirked.

“Hi,” she cooed, first giving Jennifer a hug, and then giving him one. She threw her arms around his neck and pressed her body against his. He gave her a small, friendly smile and patted her on the back, but kept his other hand locked in mine.

“Hey,” he greeted in a small voice. She backed up and smiled at him.

“Let’s go dance!” she said excitedly. She grabbed his other hand and started dragging him away.

“Um, Sam…” he started in an awkward tone, pulling his hand out of hers. She looked back at him, her eyes wide and her face confused. “I was kind of talking to Calypso before you came over.” She shot me a dirty look, and then turned her attention back to Nate.

“Well, now you can come dance with me,” she said, taking his hand and pulling him in the other direction. He yanked his hand away from her again, but this time placed it on my waist along with his other one and pulled me into him.

“I’m not done talking to my girlfriend, Sam,” he said firmly, putting emphasis on “my girlfriend.” She scoffed and looked at him, obviously embarrassed at being denied so bluntly. Jennifer was watching this all unfold, an enraptured look on her face. Her eyes were darting back and forth between Nate and Samantha’s faces, the way they would in a tennis game. Pasting on an obviously fake smile, Samantha turned to look at me.

“Calypso, you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed him for just a moment, would you?” she purred, batting her eyelashes. She obviously hadn’t realized that flirting wouldn’t work with me.

“Actually, I do,” I told her, wrapping my arms around Nate’s neck. “Sorry, Samantha.” She stared at me and I swear, the fires of Hell flared in her eyes for a moment. But, then it passed and she arranged her face so that she looked sad and disappointed instead of furious.

“Nate. Please,” she begged, almost desperately. In a last minute attempt to persuade him, she reached out a pleading hand to touch his shoulder.

“Sam. No.” Nate’s words were final; you could see it in his eyes. Her hand snapped back as she stared at him, appalled. Jennifer cleared her throat.

“Sam, honey. Let’s go inside, huh?” As she took Sam’s hand, she spared a wary glance at Nate and I before turning Sam around and leading her back into the house. Once they were out of sight, I looked up at Nate and he sent me a small smile.

“Like I said: nothing is happening between Sam and I.” I smiled at him and pulled his face down to mine to kiss him. As soon as his lips met mine, I couldn’t help but sigh and press myself even closer to him. I was definitely in love with this kid. Nate chuckled and pulled away just enough so he could talk, his lips still grazing mine. “I take it you believe me?” he asked. I giggled.

“Completely,” I uttered before kissing him one more time. I smiled and pulled away, biting my bottom lip. He grinned at me.

“Let’s go dance,” he murmured, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I nodded and let him lead me into the house. It was quite a task, trying to get to the dance floor. It was crowded with overly excited teens, some of whom weren’t even dancing, but rather, dry-humping each other to the beat of “Womanizer” by Britney Spears. However, as soon as we stepped onto the floor, the music changed. Instead, the speakers began blaring “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. A lot of teens paired up, but most of them left the floor, disappointed that they couldn’t grind on each other right then. Nate and I joined the group of couples slowly swaying to the music, the dance floor resembling a field of underwater sea anemones.
Wrapping my arms around Nate’s neck, I melted into him as we danced to the music. His arms snaked their way around my waist, pulling my body against his. After a few seconds of this, we were all of a sudden in our own world. The floor around us seemed to crumble, making the rest of the world fall away as Nate and I danced obliviously on our own little chunk of the universe.

Smiling, I rested my face against his shoulder, breathing in his smell. He rested his cheek on the top of my head. “You smell really good,” he murmured. I chuckled.

“You stink,” I whispered. For a moment, he tightened his arms around my waist and swung me around really fast and jerkily. I giggled loudly and placed my hands on his shoulders, making him stop. He was smiling at me and placed his hands on my hips again. I placed my arms around his neck and locked my eyes on his. “I’m kidding. You actually smell like cinnamon. Tonight at least. Sometimes you smell like mint, or baby powder—”

“You notice how I smell?” he asked. I snapped my mouth shut, instantly embarrassed.

“Well…yeah. Sorry if that’s weird,” I apologized bashfully, looking at the ground beside me. Nate placed his had on the back of my head, pressing it against his shoulder.

Then, placing his lips by my ear, he whispered, “If that’s weird, then I think I officially count as crazy.” He kissed me on my temple, making me smile. We swayed there in silence for a moment, the music, his heart and his breathing the only sounds filling my ears, before Nate began to quietly sing the song.

“Her lips, her lips. I could kiss them all day if she’d let me. And her laugh, her laugh she hates but I think it’s so sexy. She’s so beautiful. I tell her every day.” The way he sang the song made me feel so secure and loved. Like each and every word, every note, was meant for me and only me. I knew that he and I were the only ones that could hear them, the only ones that knew their significance and the weight that they carried. His voice was throaty and full, but gentle at the same time, like a giant gulp of steamed milk during a snowstorm. It was welcome, as well as welcoming. I moved my ear on top of his heart so I could hear it beating. I could die happy right now.

Jacob’s Point of View

I could kill that Nate kid right about now.

He had his hands all over Calypso, the disgusting little peerv. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t feeling her up, but he had his hands a little too close to her backside for my comfort. But what I hated most of all wasn’t the fact that he was touching her too intimately. Nor was it the fact that he was in the place I should have been.

What I hated most of all was the fact that Calypso was happy right now.
She was happy to stand there with him. She was perfectly content to let him hold her and rock her, the way I so desperately wanted to do. She was happy to let him love her in a way that would never compare to the way I could love her. That could never compare to the way I did love her. She didn’t want to be anywhere else with any one else right now.

She didn’t want to be with me.

“Jacob!” I heard a girls voice chirped. I snapped out of my trance. Jenifer was standing beside me, as annoyingly happy as ever, a plastic red cup in her right hand.

“Hey, Jennifer,” I greeted monotonously.

“I’m just so happy you could make it,” she went on, stepping a bit closer and placing a hand on my shoulder. She batted her eyelashes at me while twirling her finger in a circle on my arm. It took all my willpower not to roll my eyes and walk away. Instead, I looked back at Calypso and Nate. The two of them were whispering nothings in each other’s ears and giggling like newlyweds.

Jennifer followed my gaze to the two of them and then looked back at me. She trailed her fingers down my arm to my hand and took hold of it, interlocking fingers with mine. “Come with me,” she whispered into my ear before leading me away from the edge of the dance floor. I reluctantly followed her through the dimly lit house, up the crowded staircase, down the smoky hallway and into a room.

It was dark, with one square window directly across from the door. It was small, allowing a few moonbeams to slip their way in, creating a square patch on the floor. There was a small bed pushed against the wall on the left side, and a spacey red armchair in a corner on the right. Jennifer closed the door behind us, muffling the noise of the party. It was dark, the only light coming from the window. She set her cup on a small table by the door and slinked sensuously over to the bed. She sat down on it, crossed her legs, spread her hands out behind her and leaned back on them. The girl with innocent intentions was gone, replaced with a lust filled seductress; her intentions were not innocent. Anything but.

She stared at me for a moment, eyeing me greedily. I became very self-conscious under her scrutiny, as if this were some crucial exam I had to pass. After she was done looking me over, she silently gestured me to her by patting the space on the bed beside her. With nothing else to do, I dragged my feet over and sat on the mattress. As soon as my butt hit the bed, she slid over so that her leg was touching mine and placed her hand on my thigh, massaging it. It felt good, and although I didn’t encourage her, I didn’t bother to stop her either. She gazed at me with a slight smile on her face. I gazed back as if I wasn’t actually here, which I wasn’t. Not mentally at least.

“So. Jacob,” she began. “We’re all alone…in this dark room…on this great, big bed…” I didn’t answer. “Is there anything you want to do?” she asked, reaching out to brush a piece of hair of my forehead. I ducked my head out of the way of her hand. That was Calypso’s thing. Calypso was the one who always brushed my hair off my forehead. She did it perfectly. Her touch was so gentle, and with one sweep, she would always get my hair to behave itself. Jennifer’s face immediately hardened as she snapped her hand back. She got up and stood in front of me, her eyes burning.

“Is this because of Calypso?” she asked. Again, I didn’t answer. I didn’t like the way she said Calypso’s name as if it were a thing instead of the most beautiful arrangement of letters ever composed. She sighed and looked away for a moment, then turned back to me, her face softer. “Jacob. She’s with Nate now. They’re so obviously in love. You can’t seriously believe that you still have a chance with her, can you?”

My heart burst into flames, combusted right there in my chest. I could feel the fire’s hot tongues licking my throat and scorching my lungs. I couldn’t breathe right. The room started spinning out of control, like a carousel gone mad. It was blurry and seemed to close in on me one moment, getting closer and closer to the point where I couldn’t breathe, and then got bigger and bigger until I couldn’t see the walls or where the room ended, and I became swallowed up in its mass and the loneliness it created.

It pulsed back and forth like this for a while, squeezing in to the point of suffocation, and then backing out until I was lost in its nothingness. Before I knew what was happening, Jennifer straddled my lap, her arms around my neck and her forehead against mine. She took my hands and placed them on either side of her hips, but I couldn’t feel them. I had gone numb from the inside out. She was saying something, but I couldn’t hear her due to the blood pounding in my head. I could only see her mouth moving. It wasn’t until she placed her lips next to my ear that I heard her. She said, in a soft, gentle wisp of a voice:

“Let her go. She’s only going to hurt you. I can make the pain go away, Jacob. I can heal the scars she’s left. I can love you the way you deserved to be loved.” Then she kissed me.

And I didn’t stop her.

Calypso’s Point of View

The song ended all too soon, replaced by the up-tempo beat of “Only Girl” by Rihanna. Kids flooded the dance floor, once again grinding and hip-bumping. Nate looked down at me. We had stopped moving, but our arms were still wrapped around each other. “Do you wanna go find a room or something? Y’know, to talk?” he shouted over the music. I nodded and let him lead me out of the living room by my hand. He took me through the kitchen and up the stairs. There were kids all throughout the hallway. It was packed. I couldn’t even see the wall at the end of the hall because of all the people. There were four rooms in this hall, two on one side and two on the other.

“I’m gonna stop by the loo real quick, love. Why don’t you find us a room?” Nate murmured in my ear over the din. I smiled and turned my head to look at him.

“The loo?” I said. He nodded. I pecked him on the mouth. “You’re so awesome,” I stated with a smile. He winked and let go of my hand, entering the bathroom. I looked down the hall, trying to find a path to the door on the right side of the hall. There were no socks or Do Not Disturb signs on any of the doorknobs, so I assumed they were all open for use. I squeezed my way through the packed hall, ignoring the catcalls and pick-up lines shouted at me as I made my way through a particularly rowdy group of guys who all reeked of alcohol. Without knocking, I opened the door to one of the rooms.

The world stopped.

All of the people around me began moving so slow, they became still. There was no noise. The only thing I saw was Jenifer Keelan, straddling Jacob and kissing him as he kept his hands on her hips.

Jennifer.

Jacob.

Kissing.

These were the only words that seemed to register in my mind as I saw this horrible scene unfold before me. The worst part was that he was kissing her back. His lips were moving in perfect time with hers, his fingers massaging her hips. He liked it. She hadn’t ambushed him at the moment I had come in the door. It was obvious they had been kissing like this for quite some time and Jacob had made no move to stop it. This is what you get, I heard a small voice in the back of my head. This is what you deserve for breaking Jacob’s heart over and over and over again. Serves you right to see him kissing Jennifer. And you know damn well it does, too. Now my conscience wasn’t even on my side?

I couldn’t force myself to watch it anymore, so I closed the door as quietly as I could and leaned against it. I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding, and with it, a tear. I could barely support myself. All my weight was put on the doorknob as I panted heavily. I could feel a lump rising in my throat, but I couldn’t swallow it away. The world became watery as my eyes swam with tears. He had moved on. I had no idea how much I had been relying on him to wait for me. How much I was relying on him to wait for me to fall out of love with Nate so that I could be with him. I had taken for granted the fact that I was his world. I had abused it and taken it for granted, thinking the chance to claim Jacob as my own would be there until I wanted it.

I was a bitch. A spoiled, selfish, bitch. I was what Gretchen would call “a mean girl.”

Oh, boo hoo! So you took advantage of your looks! Whooptie FRICKIN’ doo! Doesn’t every
pretty girl? But are you gonna sit here and cry about it, or are you gonna make that boy pay for breaking your heart? Wow, my conscience was like the devil that people see on their shoulders. Where was my angel person?

She’s not here, you whiner. Now listen to me: are you gonna let some overstuffed crybaby who’s kissing another girl ruin your night, or are you gonna show him you can hook-up just as fast as he can?

Now that I thought about it, my little voice was right. Jacob was awfully quick to forget about how broken-up he was over me in the hallway tonight. Like it was all some game. Well he had another thing coming. If he thought he could yank me around like that, I’d show him who was the puppeteer and who the marionette was in this relationship. Nate came out of the bathroom and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me softly.

Eager to make him understand what I had in mind, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my body close to his. I kissed him deeply and eagerly, the way I had never kissed any other boy before. He kissed me back just as hungrily, exactly the reaction I had intended to elicit. He pulled away before I was done, but I decided to let him speak, plastering a seductive smile on my face. “What was that?” he murmured into my lips.

“Follow me,” I breathed sexily before taking his hand and leading him through the crowd to the next door. I opened it up and luckily, this time it was actually empty. Nate walked in and I stepped in right after him. I turned around to close the door, but as soon as I spun around to face Nate, he was already walking toward me, a lustful gleam in his eye. I smiled as his arms immediately snaked their way around my waist and his lips found mine. I kissed him roughly and he kissed back just as fervently. His hands pulled my body as close to his as physically possible and kept trying to pull me closer. I bit and tugged on his bottom lip, which made him go nuts.

He growled and shoved me up against the wall next to the door. I gasped at the force of it, but smiled at him as well. He instantly caught my lips in his once again, his hands sliding across my back and over my butt, which he gave a quick squeeze before grabbing the backs of my thighs. He hitched my legs up onto his hips so that my back was against the wall and he was holding me up. I put my elbows on his shoulders and tangled my fingers in his hair as I kicked my shoes and socks off behind his back. After that was done, I wiggled my toes under the waistband of his boxers so that they were resting on his rear.

Giving a loud moan, he set me down and, without parting his lips from mine, he pulled me beside the bed and laid me down on it. He climbed on top of me and trailed kisses all the way down my jaw and my neck to my collarbone before finding his way back up to my lips. It didn’t give me much time to catch my breath, so I was still panting when we began fiercely kissing again. I slid my hands under his shirt and over his stomach until I found his chest. I sighed and began rubbing his pecs, feeling his heart jumping wildly in his ribs. Its frantic rhythm matched mine, which made me give a small smile.

Pushing him off me, I rolled off of one side of the bed and he rolled off of the other. He began taking off his shoes as I started unbuttoning my shirt. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he panted, looking over his shoulder as he threw his socks to the side. I dropped my shirt to the floor and quickly undid the button and zipper on my pants.

“Yes. I wouldn’t be going this far if I wasn’t,” I breathed. I wriggled my shorts down to my knees and let them drop to the floor around my ankles from there. I stepped out of them and walked around the bed to Nate. He stood up and I helped him pull his shirt over his head. We began kissing again, but I slid my hands down his chest to his pants. I undid them and yanked them down so that they were around his ankles on the floor.

“Just say the word and we can stop,” he said breathlessly into my lips. I shook my head.

“Mm-mm. I don’t want to,” I muttered, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him
again. We fell back onto the bed, Nate on top of me. His hands found their way around my back to my bra snap, which he quickly and easily undid. I gasped when he suddenly yanked it off me, throwing it off to the side. He didn’t open his eyes or stop kissing me. He just pressed his chest against my breasts as he kept his lips moving swiftly with mine. I could feel my heart clamoring around in my chest, searching for someway out, perhaps through my throat. I clutched at the back of Nate’s neck, loving the way the hairs there stood at attention against my palm, the same as the now prominent bulge in his boxers.

But I soon realized, my heart wasn’t frantically palpitating just because of the pleasure I was receiving from this impromptu outpour of passion. I was nervous. I was nervous as hell. I was scared to death of having my virtue, my purity, my innocence, my virginity, ripped from me with one swift, violent thrust of Nate’s hips. With one movement, I could no longer be Daddy’s little girl. Something I never was, but had always longed to be. I wouldn’t be able to look my mother in the eye if she ever asked me if I was still a virgin and it came time for the heart-wrenching, hope-shattering and honest answer.

No.

If I did this—if I did this right here and now—I would be breaking the promise I made to my older brother no more than a year ago.

I was tired and had come back from a lame party. The beer was warm and flat, so I only had a half a cup, not enough to get buzzed off of. Brandon was sitting in the living room, looking at the T.V, but not watching it. He was high, yet again, as he always seemed to be those days. I walked right past him, never noticing him until he mumbled a hello to me. He was good at that. Being unnoticed. Staying invisible. I muttered an unenthusiastic hi right back, not even bothering to glance over at him.

But he called me back, and so, unable to ignore him because I still loved him the way I did when we were young and he was teaching me how to color inside the lines (which I never quite learned how to do), I sat on the couch beside him. I still refused to look at him, however. I didn’t want to see the effects the pot had on him. I could feel his eyes in the side of my head though. I could feel him breaking through my tough girl exterior, my “Fuck You” façade, and looking into me and uncovering the girl I once was, the girl I still was, the girl that I am, and talking to her.

“Promise me you won’t have sex until you know you’re in love,” he rasped in his smoky voice.

I cocked an eyebrow and looked over at him, a smirk on my face.

“How do you know I haven’t already?” I was messing with him. Or, at least, I tried. He raised his eyebrow as well.

“Have you?” he asked. Even when he was stoned, he was the only person in the world who could cut through all my bullshit with just a question. I dropped the act. My face sobered, as did my attitude.

“No.”

“Good. And don’t.” He looked back at the television, as it flashed different colors across his face as the frames changed. I frowned at his profile.

“Why not?” I asked, like the stubborn child I always have been, demanding to know things that didn’t have to be explained. Brandon shrugged.

“Because it’s not worth it. Kids like to hype it up. Make it sound better than it actually is. Some kids like to make it sound fun. Some kids like to make it sound romantic. Some even like to say it was life changing. But in reality, if you didn’t mean it, all it is, is fucking. All it is, is a penis going in a vagina, a few rounds of orgasms, and then it’s done. You don’t want that. Trust me.”

I was silent. I didn’t know where all this was coming from. I didn’t know how to respond or what to say. I was just…blank.

“So, what? Are you asking me never to have sex?” Brandon blinked, and slowly turned to look at me.

“No. I’m asking you never to fuck. You’re going to make love some day. I know that, and I’ve come to accept it. But I don’t want you to ever fuck anybody, or be fucked by anybody. I want you to make love with somebody. Because you deserve the best, Calypso. And I know I haven’t been the best older brother of late. I know that sometimes you hate me, and I hate myself for making you hate me. But I want you to know that I still love you and I’ve never stopped and never will. And yes, I am high as hell right now. In fact, I think there are two of you in front of me. But I do mean every word I’m saying right now. I promise.”

And as I looked into his bloodshot, watery eyes, I saw that he wasn’t lying. He did mean it, and I believed him because right then, all I wanted was something, anything, to believe in.

And he was it. “I promise, Brandon,” I said.

“Pinky swear?” he questioned, holding out his pinky finger. I gave a tiny smile and hooked mine around his.

“Pinky swear.” I whispered, because of the large lump stored in my throat. We both sealed it with a kiss, something he had taught me when I was five and he was seven. I giggled as a tear ran down my cheek. He grinned and wiped it away with his thumb, and kissed me on the forehead. He walked me upstairs and tucked me in. He told me he loved me. And then he left.

His words rang in my ears for weeks.

And now, they were ringing louder than ever before.

“The word!” I shouted louder than I had meant to. Nate’s lips, which were now at the hollow at the base of my throat, stopped. He pulled up and looked at me a skeptical gaze.

“What?” he whispered. My eyes were wide as I stared at him, half wanting to take it back. I gulped to coat my dry throat before I began to explain.

“You said we could stop if I said the word.” Nate’s face stayed the same. “The word,” I said again, whispering now. His eyebrows went up, as he comprehended what I was trying to get across.

“Oh! Oh, you wanna…stop?” I nodded meekly. He rolled off of me, rested his hands on his stomach, while I hugged my chest in a pathetic attempt to cover my breasts, and we both stared at the ceiling. We were quiet for a moment, listening to the unrest the mingling of our panting created.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, after it had quieted down a little bit. I heard Nate’s head turn on the pillow to look at me, but I didn’t try to meet his eyes. Instead, I stared at the cracks in the ceiling, hoping that if I tried hard enough, I could will one open to the point where it was so big, I could crawl into it and hide. But since it didn’t, I continued talking.

“I just…panicked. All of a sudden, I just remembered all the reasons I shouldn’t and all these worries were flooding my head and—”

“Calypso.” He said my name with such care and uttered it so perfectly that for the first time, I was actually hearing how beautiful that word sounded. I turned and looked at him, wanting him to say my name again in that way. Then, without a word, he pulled me in close to him. I rested my forehead in the crook of his neck, cherishing the way it felt there. And, without even having to consciously command them, my legs intertwined with Nate’s and his intertwined right back. We sat there for a few minutes, the strong, steady beat of his pulse against my temple.

“You’re a virgin, huh?” he asked me after we had been sitting there for a moment. I nodded sheepishly against his shoulder. He sighed and I cringed, waiting for him to talk about how us being together was a mistake, and I was too immature and that we would be together in a year or so, which we would both know was a transparent attempt to salvage the already shattered remains of my heart. “I wish I had known—” I cut him off.

“Why? So you could spend your time fucking some other girl instead of wasting your time trying to charm your way into my pants?” I snapped. I felt Nate recoil away from me, his calm features now arranged into a hurt and defensive glare.

“Calypso, do you even know what the hell you’re talking about?” he questioned me. I rolled my eyes and pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling my bra back on. I heard him sigh and shift on the bed behind me.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” I huffed, getting up and walking around to the other side of the bed. I picked up my shorts and began to wriggle into them. As I struggled into my tight daisy dukes, I began to explain to him just what was about to happen. “You’re gonna sit here and tell me that it’s been fun, but I’m not mature enough for you.” I heard him sigh in the background, groan, and mumble something unintelligible under his breath. I ignored him, sat down on the bed and started to lace up my shoes and continued to rant. “Then you’re gonna say that you don’t wanna hurt me, and I’m a great girl, but it just won’t work because—” I felt his hand clasp my face, and roughly turn my head to his.

“Calypso. Shut your face.” My jaw dropped. I looked around at him, appalled at how he was speaking to me. I wriggled my face free of his grasp.

“Excuse me? How dare you—?” This time, he firmly grabbed my face with both hands and pulled my face close to his.

“I said. Shut. Your face.” He was looking me dead in the eye, his face less than a foot away from mine. I couldn’t help but be smoldered by his eyes, large, brown and sparkling just above the sharp angles of his cheekbones. His thumbs were slowly caressing my cheeks as his eyes devoured mine. My mouth kept opening and closing, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. Nothing seemed sufficient enough to express the frustration and apprehension and heartbreak I was experiencing.

“What? Why—?” Sliding closer to me on the bed, he began speaking, and I couldn’t help but place my hands over his.

“Because you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, darling,” he whispered, a smile playing on his face. I was still confused, so my expression stayed that way. “Calypso, the reason I asked if you were a virgin was because I was going to say this: I never would have agreed to go this far if I knew that. I would have stopped much earlier…” He pressed his forehead to mine and whispered, “As hard as it may have been.” I averted my eyes to laugh, then looked back up at him. His eyes cut me, making me feel extremely embarrassed for shouting at him.

“Calypso, sweetheart, you mean the world to me. I’m not sure how I can express that to you. Something as small and insignificant as you being a virgin isn’t going to make me abandon you and deem you unworthy. You do understand that, don’t you?” I bashfully shook my head. He laughed, making my heart skip. He planted a soft kiss on my lips, causing my breath to hitch. “Well it’s true,” he whispered after pulling away. I smiled at him and threw my arms around his neck.

“I’m sorry I’m so ridiculous,” I whispered, loving the feel of him holding me close to his body.

“I love it,” he chuckled. I smiled, let go, and slid off the bed. I bent over to grab my shirt, stood up and turned to face Nate as I pulled it on. I could tell he was trying not to stare at my breasts by the way his eyes kept traveling down my neck, but darting back up to my eyes when they hit my collarbone. I laughed silently to myself, and decided to button my shirt up in a second. Leaning forward, I gently took Nate’s chin in one of my hands and kissed him full on the mouth. He sighed, making my lips tingle, and placed his palm on my neck. I pulled away, moved my hand to his cheek and smiled at him.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to him, moving toward the door.

“Where are you going?” he asked me, standing up and crossing the bed to get his pants.

“To the bathroom. BRB.” Nate looked over his shoulder and laughed at me as he started wiggling into his jeans. I winked before leaving the room and closing the door behind me. As soon as I had re-entered the crowded hallway, I realized that I had forgotten to button my shirt. Stopping in front of the doorway, I began to button it.

I had only fastened the first button, however, before my upper arms were seized on either side very firmly. “Woah! Hold on!” I shouted as I was suddenly being pulled roughly down the hall. As I looked to either side of me, I saw that two strong, and slightly tipsy football players, one of whom was Oliver Matthews, flanked me. “Oliver, what’s happening?” I asked him, slightly worried now. I was trying to grind my heels into the carpet to stop myself, but they kept dragging me, unaffected by my weak attempts to stop them.

“Y’know, I’m not all that sure myself,” he started as he and the other brute began pushing their way through people with sheer strength. “All I know is that Jennifer wants you and demanded we bring you to her.”

“Jennifer?” I squeaked. This couldn’t be good, especially since she ordered them to bring me to her by force. I knew she was up to something that I would never volunteer for. Mustering up all my strength, I planted my feet on the carpet and pulled back from the two boys, trying to make them let go. Oliver and his friend stopped, staring at me in confusion, as if they were surprised I was suddenly putting up such a fight. “Where are you taking me, Oliver?” I shouted, wanting it to be loud enough for others to hear me. I was, and few did, but all they did was stare.

The other guy, embarrassed by the few people staring and whispering, blushed and let go of me. However, the embarrassment angered Oliver, and his hand tightened...a lot. I let out a slight whimper and crumpled a bit under his painful grip. I put my other hand on my arm and tried to wrest it from him. “Calypso, stop it,” he demanded.

“Let go of me!” I roared, enraged and a little more determined now to free myself from him. I yelped when Oliver squeezed my arm even tighter to the point where I was almost crying and yanked me to his chest. I looked up into his eyes, and my protests and fighting seized. I felt the blank fear on my face as he glared down at me, his breath reeking of alcohol.

“Calypso, stop it,” he growled menacingly through clenched teeth. As fast as I could, I thrust the heel of my free arm into his nose hard as possible. He let out a yell and let go of me to clap his hands to his face. Thank you, Miss Congeniality, I thought to myself as I began to run in the opposite direction to get Nate. Before I could start up the stairs again though, I was grabbed around the waist and snatched back into somebody. I screamed as they took their other arm and scooped up my legs, carrying me bridal style to the living room.

“LET GO! OLIVER, LET GO OF ME! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!” I was screaming and kicking as much as I possibly could, but no one seemed willing to help me. In a final attempt to be released, I bit down on Oliver’s arm as hard as I could.

“Bitch!” he shouted. I took my mouth away and saw blood begin to seep slowly out of the incisions I left. He still didn’t let go though. Jennifer was chatting with a few of her friends nearby, but a mischievous smile appeared on her face when she saw me. Oliver and his sidekick hopped with me up onto a long wooden table, which was empty because it had been set up near the dance floor for drunken show-offs. Jennifer situated a chair near the head of the table and stood on it, a microphone in her hand.

I was still screaming when Oliver, with blood running from his nose and smeared on his arm, put me down on the table. I attempted to jump off, but in mid-air, both boys caught one of my arms so that I ended up suspended by just my biceps. I let out a howl of pain as they dragged me back up because of the excessive force both of the boys were exerting on my arms. Jennifer signaled to the deejay to stop the music, which he did. “Attention, everyone! Attention,” she said into the mic, annoyingly perky and calm. All heads in the room turned first to her, then to me, being held on the table against my will.

Then the whispers started.

It wasn’t a slow build-up of whispers, either. It was a sudden collective hiss that rose up from the crowd like a tsunami and crashed over me. Phones and cameras were whipped out, and the irritating sound of opening and closing shutters filled my ears as white flashes blinded me. A small victorious smirk was visible on Jennifer’s face, as she watched happily while the large sea of cruel teenagers reveled in my humiliation. “You all know Calypso Kinnear,” she began, claiming the audience’s undivided attention with just these few words. “New, pretty, popular. She has it all! The look. The perkiness. All the girls want to be her. All the geeks want to be loved by her. Everyone wants to make love to her. But I think her—” Jennifer paused and put up air quotes, “ ‘innocence’ is what reeled all of us in.

“Until tonight at least.” She shot me a triumphant sneer, her eyes laughing at my disgrace. All I could do was glare at her and grind my teeth in frustration, hoping that my stare would melt her. It wasn’t really working. Holding out a delicate hand, Jennifer was helped onto the table by Oliver’s minion. She didn’t spare him glance though, or even a “thank you.” She was focused on me, wanting to enjoy every second of my embarrassment. She walked toward me slowly, like a lioness stalking its prey. I stared her down as hard as I could, but she wasn’t an easy girl to intimidate.

“You see, our immaculate, perfect Calypso has just had her virginity taken away by none other than Nate Katsaros.” My jaw dropped.

“What?!” I screeched, but my voice was drowned by the sound of amused giggles and hateful whispers.

“What a surprise,” she continued, her smile even wider now.

“Fuck you, Jennifer!” I shouted in her face. I started struggling again to free myself from her two followers, intending to claw her face off, but I screamed in pain as both of gripped my already bruising arms. I stopped, breathing heavily, my hair a wild frenzy around my face. I imagined it gave me a crazed look, but I didn’t give a damn. I wanted to look as crazy as I felt, ready to rip Jennifer’s eyes from her beautiful face. She threw her head back and gave a light laugh, pleased by my derision.

“Jacob, what exactly do you think of all this?” she asked, her head and gaze turning to some unidentified point in the crowd. My heart seemed to explode in my chest, shattering my lungs as well. My eyes flew open and began to scan the crowd frantically for Jacob’s figure. I soon found him, standing in a corner, his arms crossed.

His glare broke me.

Like a shattered glass, I could feel bits and pieces of me tumbling to the ground in every which way and helpless to the destruction that I was currently victim to. I could handle the stares and the whispers; the laughter and the pictures. Hell, if my own brother came in right now and spit in my face, I could handle that too. But the world could never have prepared me for coping with Jacob’s hate.

“Jacob…” I whispered pathetically. He was staring at me as if he had never been more disgusted with anything in his whole life. As if I were worth less than an obnoxious fruit fly smashed between the palms of his hands, and all he wanted to do was wash all evidence of my existence from his skin.

“How does it feel to know that the girl of your dreams has just given herself to another man?”

She was enjoying this. This, I knew, was to be the peak of her career as a bitch. She loved watching Jacob’s face contort into revulsion for me, and watch my soul shatter because of it.

“Jacob, don’t listen to her! It’s not true! Not a word of it—”

“Then can you please explain to us, Calypso, why your shirt is completely undone and your
shoes are laced wrong?”

Fuck me, I thought to myself. I had forgotten to re-button my shirt before I left for the bathroom. I looked back at the space where Jacob was standing, but he wasn’t there. He was moving through the crowd, trying to leave. The closest exit, however, was the front door, and he had pass by the table I was standing on to get there.

“Jacob, please, listen to me!” I begged my voice cracking. I began to fight my way out of the boys’ grasp to reach him. Again, they squeezed my arms, but the pain there was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I kept fighting. “I promise, I’ll explain everything, but you have to help me! You have to listen to me! LOOK AT ME!” Tears were falling one by one from my eyes now, and Jacob was only a few feet away. “Jacob, please! PLEASE!” I sobbed.
I freed my arm from the nameless boy and began to throw myself off the table toward Jacob who was only a foot away. He stopped and turned toward me, and just before my face collided with his, Oliver caught my free arm, holding me back by my arms so that my whole body, except for my feet, which were still planted on the table, was hovering over the ground. My nose was mere inches from Jacob’s, and as I panted, strands of my hair blew forward and tickled his cheek. My eyes pleaded, but his burned me, with that cold fire of theirs.
“Please,” I whispered pathetically, leaning my forehead against his. A tear, small, and almost lost amongst the others, ran down and off my cheek, splashing onto his. He didn’t flinch. He didn’t reach up to wipe it off. He just stared.

“Fuck off, Calypso,” he spat. I let out a heart-wrenching sob as he walked away from me to the door. Oliver pulled me back onto the table, but I stared as Jacob walked on.

“JACOB!” I screamed one last time, hoping against all hope that it might be the one to catch his attention. It wasn’t. He walked out the door and slammed it behind him, the glass rattling.
Just then, I saw a whole new crowd pour in from outside, and with it, my saviors. Emmett and Alice easily pushed their way through the crowd to the table. It was quick work they did, freeing me. They hopped up onto the table, wrenched the boys’ grips off of me and pushed them off. It wasn’t so weird to see Emmett easily take the nameless boy and begin dueling with him, big and hulking as he was. However, it was quite a shock to see Alice’s tiny frame go against Oliver’s. She was beating him pretty badly too. I only caught a glimpse of the fight though, before Embry, Quil and Paul escorted me off the table. Paul swept me up into his arms, bridal style, before hopping off the table, Embry and Quil at his side to fend off the crowd, ravenous for more of my tears.

I buried my face into Paul’s chest and closed my eyes, multiple voices flooding my ears.

“Was he good?”

“Did you like it?”

“Is he a freak?”

“Are you a freak?”

“Were you his bitch, or was he yours?”

These questions and more were aimed at me, making me want nothing but to curl into a ball and disappear into nothingness. The noise from the party was soon muffled and I felt cold air against my skin as we walked out of the stuffy, crowded house. Music began again as we headed down the sidewalk, causing vibrations through Paul’s chest as he hugged me near him. He walked with me for a while until we reached some type of destination, I assumed. Paul set me down and I finally opened my eyes. “Sweetie, come here,” I heard Jared murmur. I was aware of many other people around me, but I ran into Jared’s arms and began to sob quietly into his chest. “I think I’m going to take her over to my house,” he announced.

“No, she should probably come over to our house,” I heard Nate’s smooth voice suggest.

“And why is that?” Jared asked, his arms tensing around me.

“Because Jacob is a best friend with all of you. If she stays at your houses, he’s liable to come looking for her.” Nate contributed.

“And that’s a deal breaker because…?” I could Jared’s voice becoming testy and irritated.

“Because Calypso obviously isn’t in any state to speak to him tonight.” I felt a small spark light in me at this statement. There was one thing that I had always hated, and that was people making decisions for me. When I grew up back in Brooklyn, I needed to be independent in order to survive, what with my perpetually high brother, my neglectful father and my crazy mother. Whenever someone made a decision for me, my sense of control, limited though it was, seemed to be moving away from me. I always had to tighten my grip on that, or risk utter insanity and delirium.

“Calypso may very well need to speak to him tonight,” Jared argued, holding me tighter, when all he was doing was fanning the flames. I pulled away from him a bit to look him in the eyes, my brow slightly furrowed.

“Hey—”

I was cut off by Embry saying, “I don’t know, Jared. If I were Calypso, I wouldn’t want anything to do with Jacob either.”

“But you’re not me—”

“The best thing for Calypso right now is to speak to Jacob and work things out,” Seth said. I could feel anger bubbling inside of me, slowly rising and threatening to make me explode.

“And just how would you know what’s best for—”

Everyone throwing in his or her two cents about the situation drowned my voice out. Some people said I needed to talk to Jacob, others said I needed to stay away from him, everyone seeming to need to talk over me and my opinions. I was shouting at the top of my lungs, desperate to be heard amongst the ruckus, but no one seemed to care. I could already feel my feeble grasp on life slipping, beginning to fall into that deep pit of helplessness and isolation that was always lurking below me; always in some forbidden and concealed corner of my fate; always waiting.

“HEY!” I heard a voice boom behind me. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked around, including me. “How about we hear what the hell Calypso wants instead of shouting about what she needs?” Emmett suggested, his face looking a bit angry. Everyone was silent. Mostly out of shock, but I, out of pure gratitude to Emmett for hearing me when no one was even listening. I could see that dark pit slink away into that suppressed corner of my destiny. Although I knew it would always be there, waiting, my grip on my life tightened and I was once again “safe.”

Stepping close to Alice, who was nearer than Emmett was, I grabbed her hand. All eyes were on me, finally listening. “I want to stay with the Cullens’ tonight,” I announced. There was silence.

“Are you sure, Calypso? Because—”

“I’m a big girl, Jared. I can make my own decisions,” I hissed at him through gritted teeth, shooting him a glare that dared him to contradict me. He raised his eyebrows once, and that was that.

“I’ll call you then,” he said.

With that, everyone dispersed. As Alice, Emmett and I walked to the car, Emmett pulled me into him around the shoulders. I laid my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his waist.

For those moments, I was content.