Must Be Dreamin'

I haven’t seen Jimmy for almost a week now. It’s been horrible. But I have to deal with it. I made a huge mistake that hurt him way beyond belief. I never meant too. But I should have realized what Todd and I were doing was wrong. I love Jimmy… not Todd.

It’s crazy how much I miss him. I never noticed how much I loved spending time with him. I started missing all the little things about him that most people wouldn’t see in him. Like the little sparkle his eyes get when he smiles… the tingle I get from the littlest touch from him… the sense of breathlessness I get from just the simplest of his kisses…. I missed all of that… and I wanted it back.

So, I’ve been at my parent’s since this all happened. Josh and Kirstie have stopped by a few times, trying to cheer me up. It works for a little bit. But once they leave, my mind just wonders back to Jimmy and it hurts all over again.

My parents are starting to get sick of my moping. It’s obvious. I haven’t been this down since… I lost my brother. Granted it wasn’t as bad as then, but… I just want to cuddle in bed with Jimmy’s hoodie.

“Honey, why don’t you go out for a little? You haven’t been out of the house in nearly a week,” my mom came in like she has been doing for the past few days.

“I don’t want to,” I mumbled with my face pressed against my pillow.

I heard her sigh and come in and sit on my bed softly. Her hand came up and gently rubbed my back. I hated acting this way, but… it’s how I feel.

“Why don’t you… go see Jeremy?” she asked in a soft voice.

I stopped breathing for a second. I haven’t been back to my brother’s resting place since… he was laid there. Why would my mother suggest this?

“He always had the right words to say to you… maybe it will help,” she went on.

I blinked back tears a few times before I sat up. The look in my mother’s face was hopeful. After a few sighs left me, I finally got up and walked out to my car, starting my journey to the last place I thought I’d be going in a time like this.

But I’m heading that way. Tears threatened to fall as I got closer and finally spotted that beautiful headstone. I sat in my car for a few minutes before I willed myself to take the few steps close to it. It was unusually cold and the clouds looked as if they were threatening to let ran fall. This makes this so much better.

I walked up and planted my butt right in front of the stone. Heavy sighs came in and out of me the longer I sat here. It was so weird. My brother’s here, but… I can’t see him, can’t look into his bright blue eyes and have this sense of calm. He can’t pull me into a tight embrace and tell me that everything was going to be fine. The thought alone brought tears to my eyes.

“Jeremy, I need you,” I wheezed out while bringing my knees to my chest.

Just then, the wind picked up, making me pull the hood up on Jimmy’s hoodie and hold it tightly against my frame. It didn’t help though. It made me want to be in Jimmy’s arms, but… Jimmy wasn’t going to be around. All I had was my… brother who’s in the ground.

“I messed up… big time,” I started rambling, trying to imagine him sitting right in front of me. But it hurt seeing those big white letters on the stone. I rested my forehead on my crossed arms and took in a big gulp of air just as it started to rain.

“I’m in love with Jimmy… so in love with him. But… I hurt him badly. All I want is for him to see how sorry I am, but… he won’t talk to me,” I trailed off with streams of tears falling from my eyes.

I couldn’t bring any other words out. Shivers came over me from crying so much and how cold it was out. All I wanted was for Jimmy to hold in his arms. That’s all I want. He doesn’t have to say anything… just hold me.

As I sat there, the wind picked up again, blowing leaves past me violently. I held Jimmy’s damp hoodie against me, but it was no use. I couldn’t bring myself to move either. I was going to die from hypothermia… but then a pair of strong, beefy arms wrapped arm me. I thought I was imagining things. I didn’t bother to look up. But a familiar warmth came over me. Once it didn’t go away, I shot my eyes up and was met… with the most gorgeous blue ones.

I froze for a few seconds. This isn’t real. He’s not here right now, holding me when I need him like he was months before. But his hand came up and cupped my cheek while his thumb ran under my eyes to wipe the tears away… and I felt it; his touch.

Once a small smile came over him, I nearly lunged at him. The amount of force I used almost tackled us to the ground. But my Fitzy’s strong and held onto us. I was so happy he was here… I started crying more.

“Baby, don’t cry,” he said softly while rubbing my back gently.

“I missed you,” I pushed out, holding him tighter than I ever have before.

“I missed you too,” he said while adding a kiss on the top of my head.

It actually made me smile as tears still fell from my eyes. I couldn’t even find words to say to him. All I wanted to do was be in his arms… and I finally got that. It may be freezing and rainy, but… I got my Fitzy to hold me.

He held onto me tightly for… man, it seems like forever. But a good forever. I didn’t want this to end at all. But he eventually adjusted his arms around me so that I was forced to gaze into his eyes.

“I’m so sorry for everything. You don’t deserve that at all. I love you so much, but I understand if you… don’t want me anymore,” I trailed off, dropping my eyes from his.

With neither of us seeing each other, I’ve had way too much time to think. The majority of my thoughts were that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I hated that thought, but… I was terrified that it was true.

Jimmy’s smooth hand reached down and cupped my cheek again, forcing me to look at him yet again. I couldn’t read what he was thinking. His eyes didn’t give anything away. They just had that usual blue iris… that was a little glossy.

“I don’t understand at all why you did what you did. I’ve been thinking about it since it happened. It made me think way too much. I thought… maybe you don’t love me like you’ve been saying or… maybe you’re just not happy…” he said, but trailed off.

“Jimmy, I love you so much. I’ve never felt so much love fpr someone else in my life. I just… wasn’t thinking and I wanted comfort and… he just happened to be the closest person. All I know is that I am so in love with you and will do anything to show you. Jimmy, I… I need you,” I tried to hold in my tears as I talked to him.

He didn’t say anything for the longest time. His eyes were fixed on my hand… and the ring that I have refused to take off since he threw it on my couch. It was the one thing that gave me hope that he still loved me.

When I looked back up at him, there was one single tear rolling down his cheek. It made me pout and reach up to wipe it away. He sent me a small smile though. That made it a little better.

“I need you too, Kylee,” he said in the softest voice I have ever heard him speak in.

It actually brought more tears to my eyes, but we still pulled each other in for a much needed kiss. I couldn’t breathe during it at all. When we parted, we were both gasping for air, but we still smiled. He started leaning in for another one, but I stopped this one. The look on his face was more confused than disappointment.

“Jimmy, um… a cemetery isn’t the most ideal of places to be sharing make up kisses,” I couldn’t help but giggle.

He let out a chuckle too and rested his forehead on mine. He’s so cute. He even asked me if I was ok to drive. Of course I said yes and I followed him to his house.

Once there, we didn’t make out the whole time. We actually talked and… shed a few tears too. But we held onto each other as we discussed our relationship.

For one, I’m finding my own place. I can’t be this dependent on one person. Jimmy didn’t like this too much, but he new it would be good for me rather than us. We were going to try and gently tap the breaks on our relationship; still progressing, but not as quickly. This one we both agreed on. After that, we couldn’t think of anything else to compromise on, so… we ended up sharing amazing kisses the rest of the night.

I love my Fitzy and promise to never do something like I did to him ever again. He’s too nice of a person for someone to hurt him like that. All I have for this man is love and that’s what I’m going to show from now on.