The Secret Website

As much as my body wanted it, I had to stop it. When I felt his hand sliding under my t-shirt and over my skin I knew we were taking it too far.

“Mike, stop.” I mumbled in our kiss.

He broke apart and looked at me, and the fact that I couldn’t see what he was feeling surprised me. The only thing I could tell was that he was not hurt and it surprised me even more.

“I know, I’m sorry, we can’t do this, I shouldn’t get my hopes up too much.” He whispered, trying to break the hug. I let him go, slightly taken aback by the sudden change in him.

“Mike…” I paused for a second, trying to express my thoughts. The result came out of my mouth slowly, trying to understand my not-yet-given answer.

“What happened to you?”

He looked at me and I felt the void between us. As if he was not here beside me, but far far away, like… in Europe.

“You happened to me, Billie Joe.” He said, “and I think that’s enough for you to know everything you wanna know.”

He stood up and I followed.

“Mike, look what you’ve done to yourself and it’s all because of me, and I hate it!

“Oh, so that’s why you just made out with me, ‘cause you were feeling guilty.” He said, coldly.

“No, because I… I…” my voice faded away. Why did I kiss him?

“You can’t even answer yourself, I’ve been broken once too many times and I’m sick of it all, I ain’t waiting around for you anymore.”

He was determined and I scared me slightly. I wasn’t sure I like this new Mike.

“Mike, I kissed you because I wanted to!”

Time stopped.

He looked at me and I looked back at him, my heart thumping because this was a revelation to both of us.

“Go back to Tre, Billie. You don’t need me and I don’t deserve you. I don’t want to cause more trouble.” His expression saddened, the wall behind his eyes fell and I finally could see the broken Mike who opened the door.

“But I do need you. I myself don’t understand why and how, but I know I don’t want to lose you.” I found myself saying. I took a step towards him.

“Listen, Billie, you’ve been in love with Tre for years and years while I’ve been in love for you for much less time. Not that time counts, but you confused me, you made me turn bisexual, you hurt me, you broke me, now you just can’t glue the pieces back together with a kiss, it simply won’t work.”

Why was I hurt by those words?

“Honestly…” I spoke, “I don’t know what it is that I feel for you, but I know it is something. I can’t deny it, even if you’re damn right saying that I’m in love with Tre, and I feel like shit for doing this to him, but what we have –”

“Had.”

“Have had, then. What we have had is complicated…”

“Wrong.”

“It’s not wrong, Mike, if you -”

“You’re a couple now, you’re cheating. It is wrong.”

Truth hit me like a midge on the windscreen, and Mike was studying my every move.

“It’s wrong, Billie. Now go back to Tre, I’ll get over it.” He turned on his heels, but I could hear him muttering to himself, as he walked out the door, something like sooner or later.

I stood there for a minute or so, thinking, trying desperately to convince myself that the kiss we shared not so long before was wrong. As I made up my mind, hiding the part of me that felt something right, I walked out of Mike’s house, in the dark, desert street.