The Secret Website

I could feel his breath on me. My mind was spinning. I didn’t know whether what I was doing was good or bad. Right or wrong. I didn’t even know if I cared.

That moment seemed to last hours. Pictures were forming in my mind… The first time I kissed Tre. The first time I kissed Mike. Tre’s face. Tre’s figure as he was about to jump. The mess Mike was in. And it was all because of me.

I closed my eyes, hoping that what I was about to do wouldn’t ruin our lives.

“You know this is terribly wrong, don’t you?” I whispered.

“Yeah.” he whispered back, “but does it feel wrong to you?”

A moment of silence followed.

“No, it doesn’t.”

Without realizing it, I had moved even closer and now our lips were just half an inch apart. Mike’s hand moved slowly from my cheek to my neck.

“I love you, Billie,” he whispered, “you know that already, but please, do not ever forget it. Always remember that I truly love you…” his voice was slightly shaking. After a few moments he spoke again:

“I know it is I who should forget you, but I just can’t. I’m in love with you and I know this is forever. Forever…” his voice faded away, and another tear fell to the floor.

I couldn’t think straight. Part of me just wanted to kiss him but I couldn’t. I had Tre. I loved Tre. I couldn’t do this to him. To Mike. To myself.

“Forever.” He repeated.

I gave in. I was fully aware of how much this would hurt Tre, but I couldn’t care anymore. Not with Mike right there, with me, in our own world. He had always been the one who knew me better than I’ve ever known myself, he was always there for me, he was my shoulder to cry on, he was with me during he worst periods of my life… and I love him for that.

“Forever.” I breathed, and then I softly brushed my lips against his.

He stopped breathing. I gently kissed him again and again, on his lips and neck.

But he was not reacting. He put a hand under my chin and forced me to stay still and look at him. I didn’t mind at all, now, that he was doing what only he could do. I wanted him to see how he had made me feel, even if I didn’t know what it was.

Suddenly he kissed me with such passion we both stumbled backwards and I was pressed between him and the kitchen door.

I pulled him to me with all my strength and I was kissing him like I had never kissed anyone before. There was only me and Mike now. The rest of the world didn’t matter, no one could separate us.

His hand moved from my neck to my back, then to my chest, lower down my arms and then up again to my chest. I let out a moan when the friction that he was creating became too much. I felt his hand reaching out behind me and the next moment we were on the floor. I realized he had opened the door.

I opened my eyes and I saw him looking down at me with a questioning smile. I smiled back to let him know everything was alright. He got up and stretched out his hand. As soon as we were both on our feet, he kissed me again, without even letting me catch my breath.

We kept kissing for what seemed like hours and what I felt for him kept growing.

Without thinking, without wanting to, one of my hands moved down to his belt. He grabbed my wrist and stopped me.

“At least wait till we’re in my bedroom.” He panted.

“Couch’s nearer.” I found myself saying, before kissing him again like there was no tomorrow. I felt him smirking, then we staggered towards the couch. My knees gave in and I fell on it, Mike following straight away. He kissed my neck and I tilted my head back, closing my eyes.

His hands reached under my shirt and I raised my arms to help him to get rid of the useless piece of clothing. I did the same with him, and soon our shirts were followed by the rest of our clothes. Only our pants now were left.

He broke the kiss, unsure.

“I know what you’re thinking,” I said, caressing his hair, “don’t be so insecure. I’m here, we’re together right now, isn’t that enough?”

We kissed passionately again, then I suddenly turned us over so that I was on top. I kissed him again, and I felt again his hand on my chest, but this time I know it meant “stop”. I looked at him.

“I don’t want to take advantage of you. You…”

“I?” I said.

“This is wrong.” He said, looking away.

“I know, but does it feel wrong to you?” I said, using his own words. He didn’t look at me.

“No, it doesn’t.” he said eventually.

“Then what’s the problem?” I asked, softly kissing his neck. He whispered something I could not hear.

“What?” I asked.

“You don’t love me.”

I froze. “Mike, I’m…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry!” he looked at me and I could see how desperate he was, how lonely he felt, how much I had hurt him. He pushed me away and off of him, he sat up and put his head in his hands.

I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused I couldn’t tell right from wrong. I sat up next to him, and looked down at my hands. I couldn’t stand to see him like that. I was gonna say something, but I stopped when I saw he was silently crying. I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer to me. I kissed his cheek.

“Please, Billie, leave me alone.”

“No.”

He finally looked at me. And I finally knew that leaving wouldn’t be the right thing.

“What?”

“I said no.”

He stood up and put his clothes on without saying a word. Then he spoke.

“I want to be alone right now, so if you won’t, I will.” He walked to the front door. I jumped up and grabbed his wrist, forcing him to turn around.

“No. We need to sort this out. Now.”