Why Don't You Love Me Enough?

It was over, it was finally over. The day had come to an end….but unfortunately the memories remained. I hadn’t spoken to Adam at all, and it saddened me. I wish I could be there for him, but he obviously doesn’t want me there.

Mum found me earlier, she’s worried that I might be depressed. I screamed at her to get out of my business.

Now I feel really bad. I love my Mum. I didn’t mean to shout at her. I’m just stressed, and worried about Adam. I need to talk to him.

I need to.

---

It was the following day, and I didn’t feel any better. I still felt stupid and lonely.

I was waiting, waiting for the right time to go see Adam, but I wasn’t sure when the right time might even be.

I was lying on my bed now, listening to Mayday Parade. I closed my eyes and pictured Adam, I wished he was here…

I felt something fall on my face. It was a star, not a real one. My fake stars that Adam and I would gaze at so fondly.

I picked it up, toying with it in front of my face…make a wish. I suddenly thought.

So I did.

Not even minutes later, the doorbell rang. A funny feeling in my stomach, I got up and ran down stairs and opened the door carefully. I stared in shock, as Adam stood in front of me. He looked good. He was dressed nicely in jeans and a smart shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. His hair had been styled properly, and those eyes…

They were back. Those radiant blue eyes…I could see him, I could see the shadow of my Old Adam in there.

“Adam” I breathed, stunned almost.

My stomach flipped with anxiety and giddiness. My Adam. My wish came true…

“I need to talk to you” he says softly, looking right at me making my stomach flip again.

I nod wordlessly, and open the door further as he steps inside.

I closed the door and we shuffled awkwardly up the stairs, into my bedroom and I sat on the bed and Adam took a seat beside me. It was silent, it wasn’t comfortable this time.

The pressure in the air increased and I didn’t know what to say…or do.

“Um..” I say, fiddling with my hands, wringing them together as false of habit.

Another long silence. Adam was battling with himself, whether or not to speak and to be honest, it was irritating me.

“I’m sorry” he blurts out suddenly, making me jump out of my skin almost.

I looked at him, he was staring into his lap, his hands joined together loosely, as if he was praying almost. I looked at him, his beautiful face contorted in guilt and sadness.

Maybe….he did miss me.

“Do you mean it?” I ask sincerely. I waited, and waited….and finally Adam looked up from his hands, and turned his body, facing me looking me in the eyes from under his fringe.

“Grace. I’m so sorry, I really am. You have no idea how shitty I felt that day you left my room. I wanted to beat the shit out of myself. I even asked Chris to punch me but he refused! Even when I explained everything…” he sounded really guilty and I believed him.

“Why’d you do it?” I interrupted, and I hoped he knew what I meant.

Adam went silent and I could seen his jaw tensing “I was mad-” he began

“You know what I mean Adam, don’t lie to me” I say firmly, in an annoyed tone. Adam sighed and rubbed his face tiredly.

“I don’t think we should-”

“Enough stalling. You’ve had one year where I let you off, enough. Tell me, I need to know Adam.” I beg almost, my desperation heavy in the air.

Adam sighed again and I waited patiently. My stomach doing major butterflies and tying in knots, waves of nausea washing over me and my lips going dry.

After finally waiting…

“I wasn’t good enough” he said. He had no emotion, no tone. He just stated it like it was nothing important.

I stared, confused, hurt, angry, I was so messed up inside.

“What?” I stutter almost, my eyes stinging with tears.

“I wasn’t good enough Grace!” Adam snaps, out of the blue. He stood up and started pacing in front of me, his anger brewing.

“What do you mean you weren’t good enough?” I say, raising my voice with disbelief.

“It’s exactly what I said. I. Wasn’t. Good. Enough!” he says, angrily, stating each word loudly and snippily.

“FOR WHO?” I shout, my anger raging…

“YOU! OKAY. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. I’M USELESS GRACE. I’M NOT WORTHY OF A HUMAN BEING!”

He screamed it. He yelled it. He meant it.

His anger was off the scale, the emotion couldn’t be described as Adam stood before me. I didn’t even recognize him anymore, again. His old demeanour was fading, and this new Adam, the cruel, cold, rude Adam was making another reappearance.

The sick realization, that his suicide was my fault. It was all my fault…
“You’ve always been good enough for me!” I insist, trying to lower my voice. I needed to stay calm.

Adam stared at me, almost exasperated and I hadn’t even asked him much yet…

“I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I felt useless and depressed all the time Grace. All the time. I just didn’t want to live anymore. I was sick and tired of having to deal with everything” Adam explained in a some what calm manner. His hair was sticking up now from running his hands through it, his face pale, and his eyes looked glossy.

“Adam….I’ve been with you. How could I not see this!” I say, confused to an extreme extent.

“I hid it well I guess. I always put on a smile. I didn’t want you to know because then I felt even guiltier for dragging you into it. I didn’t want to disappoint you even more…”

“You never disappointed me to begin with!” I say desperately, wishing he would believe me.

“That’s not how I felt though-”

“I did this to you didn’t I? I made you feel that way…” I say, with realization dawning on me

“NO! That’s what I meant. You never did anything, you were just part of it…UGH! This isn’t making any sense. I’m trying to explain to you that is this isn’t your fault. It’s my fault because I should have talked to you about it. I was just scared that they would saying something’s wrong with me and that I needed help…”

“But you do need help” I whisper.

“I know that now…but I realized something even worse Grace” Adam says, almost crying.

“What?” I say, worriedly.

“I need you.” he says, looking at me. He stands still, motionless.

“No you don’t” I try and disbelieve him, wave it off like no big deal.

“I need you Grace, like anyone would need oxygen. You have no idea how much you keep me sane. You have no idea, how many times I wanted to kill myself over the past few days, just so I could get out of this pain. You have no idea how guilty I felt when I first did it-”

“So why did you do it?” I cry, as tears now flooded my cheeks.

Adam stared at me, his lip wobbling and a few tears escaping…

In all four years, I have only seen Adam cry once and it was because Chris got hurt in a car accident. He was okay, but it hit Adam hard.

Adam never cries, he never cries at random times. He has to be really upset, really, really, really upset.

He was crying now.

“I don’t know anymore, I’ve lost the meaning of it…I just…” he sobs, and my heart tears into pieces, and is crushed completely.

“Oh Adam…” I say softly, sniffling and I get up and hug him so tight, I never want to let him go. Adam cried into my hair, I could feel the tears on my neck.

He hated being weak. But then again, you can only be strong for so long…
“I’m so sorry Grace, I’m so sorry….I just wanted a way out” he sobbed, hugging me so tightly.

“I don’t want to lose you anymore” he adds, his voice cracking.

“I’m not going anywhere” I promise, cradling him almost as I hugged him. After a few more minutes, Adam collected himself, wiping his eyes furiously.

“Sorry” he whispers and I smile gently, letting him know it was okay for him to cry.

“I can’t explain it fully, but…it was just hard. I just thought it was the easiest way to get rid of everything. If I simply, wasn’t here anymore” he croaks.

I nod, stroking his face.

“Do you still feel the same?” I ask softly.

Adam hesitated before nodding slightly. “I don’t want to feel this way, but I just do. I can’t get rid of it…”

“You need help Adam, you need to talk to someone-”

“I don’t want someone Grace. I want you. I want to talk to you only. I don’t want some fucking know it all, who thinks he knows me. I want you. You’re the only one who knows me.” Adam insists.

“Chris knows you, your Mum, your Dad-” I try and list.

“It’s not the same. I’m not in love with them am I?” Adam attempts to joke, but its fails miserably.

“You can talk to me” I say, finally.

Adam nods and hugs me again and he doesn’t let go for a long time. I sigh gently, kissing his shoulder and I close my eyes, wishing things could get easier for him.

“I never meant to push you away. I just didn’t want to admit to you that it had happened….” he says and I hold it close to me.

“I know, I know that now Adam. I still love you” I whisper and I feel Adam kiss my cheek.

“I love you more than you know Grace, and I promise…I won’t ever leave you. I won’t. I’ll get better, I promise. We’ll be together forever, just like we said-”

Adam said it so desperately, like he wanted to it happen now, like was fooling himself.

“One step at a time, just one step at a time” I reassure him.

“I don’t want to be alone anymore” Adam whispers against my skin and even though it crushed my heart, feeling guilty for not realizing I should have been there, to see the signs.

I felt relieved, finally knowing why Adam wanted to die.

It was the overall feeling, of feeling useless, of feeling like it wasn’t worth it anymore.

“I don’t mean to make you feel bad. It wasn’t you Grace, it really wasn’t. It was me, not being able to live up to everything. I felt useless at home, I felt useless at college, I felt worthless.”

I pulled away from Adam firmly, taking hold of his face and making him look at me forcefully.

“You Adam are worthy, you are not useless. You mean everything to me, to your family. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know how I’d survive without you” I tell him so forcefully, I start to cry again. Adam’s face softens and he leans down and pecks my shaky lips.

“I love you Grace. I promise, I’ll get better” he says softly and I hug him again and breathe in his scent.

I closed my eyes once again, my head dizzy absorbing everything Adam just told me.

He was going to be okay.

He was My Adam.

He had to be okay.