Why Don't You Love Me Enough?

Adam and I haven’t spoke for days, almost a full week. No conversation, no phone calls, and no text messages, no emails, no facebook messages.

Nothing.

However, it didn’t matter how many times I tried to keep my mind off Adam. I couldn’t. Today was the day.

Today was 13th December 2010. One year ago, exactly.

One year ago, to this very day, Adam tried to kill himself.

It was morbid thought to be honest. I can remember everything that happened that day, one year ago. I could tell you everything about it because I remember it so vividly. I remember the food I ate, the conversations I had, I couldn’t tell you specifically word for word but I could generalize it. I should have known really, because on this very day. Adam was acting strange, he was being abnormally cheerful and happy and loving towards (not that he’s horrible to me) but it was just different.

Yes. Different is the way to describe it.
Adam was being different.

I could remember everything that happened. And I wondered if Adam remembered too…

The buzzing sound of my phone went off that morning. I was awoken by it. It was a text from Adam. Now, seeing as we’d been dating a while, I knew we were past the romantic stage of things and I wasn’t expecting a good morning text, every day. Sometimes he sent them, other times he didn’t.

I didn’t mind, I never felt the need for him to text me. But I wasn’t complaining if he did.

It read:

Grace, I’m picking you up in one hour.
Be ready J
Love you! <3

That was it, no telling me where we going, no destination or how long it would take. I should have heard alarm bells then and there really, but being my naïve self. I didn’t question his antics.

I jumped out of bed, rushing to go get ready within 60 minutes. It was definitely a challenge, but I was prepared.

I showered, dressed, dried my hair and left it in natural curls, doing my make up just in the nick of time. Adam knocked on my door, at exactly 10:30am. I greeted him with a quick kiss, but I remember him pulling me close and giving me a long, passionate one. I was blew away.

I remember smiling at him, really smiling like I couldn’t believe I had such a fantastic boyfriend. Adam took me outside, into his car, an old little thing but it got him from A to B. We got in the car and I questioned him, asking him the same questions over and over again.

“Please! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!” I begged frantically, squeezing his arm as he drove which wasn’t a very good idea. Adam shook his head and had a secretive smile on his face.

“Just be patient” Adam insisted and I remember scoffing and crossing my arms and pouting like a child. Adam laughed though, that magical laugh that tickled me inside and made me smile, no matter how much I didn’t want too.

Adam glanced at me, those beautiful blue eyes full of what I thought was happiness and love. Adam leaned over and pecked my head and I couldn’t help adore him even more.

We travelled in the car for a while, listening to the radio and singing out of tune to the Top Charts. Laughing like no tomorrow.

It wouldn’t have dawned on me at the time, that it was an all an act, to fool

We kept driving and driving and soon we were near the seaside, don’t ask me how I didn’t notice. I was distracted and in love and having fun. I didn’t really care where I was going, as long as I was with him.

“Adam! I love the sea!” I squealed excitedly, flapping my hands up and down over excitedly.

“I know you do Gracie. I thought maybe, we could spend the day here-” he started…

“YES!” I shriek with delight as I hear the ocean waves. I really did love the sea, the waves crashing amongst the shore, the sand squishing in between my toes, the freezing cold ice cream. I loved it all, the sound of the seagulls and the smell of the salty air. It was paradise.

“You’re the best!” I squeak, unbuckling myself out of the seatbelt and opening the door, shutting it and running towards beach.

I wished I turned back, to look at him to see his face, full of confusion and guilt. I wish I saw it.

I ran towards the sea like a small child, shrieking with laughter as I hopped along, taking off my shoes and songs, rolling up my jeans and splashing into the icy temperature.

“Be careful!” he warned me, he was about a mile away. I didn’t listen, I just danced and splashed to my heart’s content. With great persuasion, I managed to get Adam to join me.

“If you love me, you’ll come join me!” I beg finally and Adam rolled his eyes and began to take off his shoes. He jogged ina nd started swearing as soon as his feet met the water.

“Are you insane, it’s freezing!” he shouts, and I simply smile.

“So? Life’s too short to be sane” I tell him and waded over towards him. Now that I think about it, I wish I never said that. I wish I never mentioned death at all on that day.

“Can I have a kiss?” he asks me, and I chuckled but wrap my arms around his torso anyway. I reach on to my tiptoes, I feel his arms enclose around me and our lips finally meet.

We kissed for some time.

Again, I should have seen it as a goodbye. It was a goodbye kiss.

All I remember thinking, how lucky I was to have him forever.

After finally letting go to breathe, we stayed like that, hugging each other and listened to the serenity of it all.

I remember listened to his healthy heartbeat through his chest as I laid my head against it. I remember listened to it so carefully, it seemed to match my own thumping heart. I could feel him breathing and I held on so tightly.

If only I knew, that hours later he’d be lying almost dead on the floor. If I knew that, I wouldn’t have ever let him go.

I remember him kissing my hair.

“You’ll never leave me, will you Adam?” I say quietly, I don’t remember thinking why I had to ask that particular question, but I did ask it. Adam squeezed me gently and after what I now realize, was hesitation Adam did finally reply.

“If I ever leave you Grace, it’ll be because I won’t be alive, it’ll never be because I want someone else. I’ll only ever want you, I’ll only ever love you”

The way he answered should have been the cry for help but I was blinded and couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see how depressed or lonely, sad he was. I was too selfish and naïve to realize.

His answer wasn’t exactly what I hoped to hear, but I took it. It was the closest I was going to get.

After standing there, till we couldn’t feel our feet any more. We finally got out and walked up and down the beach, talking about life, us and how lucky we were. We went to a small, cute café and had hot chocolate and pancakes to warm us up. We kissed and held hands, we had a truly romantic day.

It was a day to remember, a day worth remembering.

Yet, it was the worst day of my life.

At quarter part 8, when we finally got back. I expected Adam to come inside with me.

He didn’t.

He walked me to my door, I turned to him and he hugged me instantly.

He kissed me, long and hard and whispered “I love you”

I smiled softly at him “I love you too”

I remember specifically, Adam said goodbye.

He usually says “See you later/ Call you tonight”

No, this time, he said “Goodbye Grace” and gave me a bit of a sad smile and walked away before I question it.

That night at half past nine, I was lying on my bed listening to the play list Adam had made me many months ago. Meanwhile, Adam was lying in his bathroom, blood surrounding him and wishing for death.

Adam was admitted into hospital by ten o clock, he’d been revived in the ambulance but was unconscious for a long time, he awoke the next afternoon…a completely different person.

I never knew until, at just before midnight.
I’d raced to the hospital, hoping to god he would survive. Thankfully, I got my wish but it seemed Adam didn’t get his.

I remember this day, loud and clear and to be honest, I wish I could forget it. But now things with Adam seem bleak and I may never find out why he did what he did.

But I’d still have the memories. I’d have the memories of Adam. He can’t take them away from me I’ll always remember Adam. I just hoped, that he would remember me too.