The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

Once we got home, I went straight to bed. I woke up later in the night to the soft tapping of footsteps flying down the stairs. I quietly got up, and opened my room door and saw Candy standing in front of me.

“Bunny, what’s wrong? Did you have a bad dream?” I asked her softly.

She shook her head, and so I waited for her to say more. “Marie, was Candy bad this year?” She whispered, looking at me with her large green eyes.

“Of course not, little Bunny.” I said as I touched her cheek, and went on my knees so that she wouldn’t have to look up. “Why would you think such a thing?”

“Because Candy never got her present from Marie. Marie promised to make Candy a dollhouse.” She whispered to me.

“But, Bunny got such a beautiful dollhouse. She doesn’t need the one that I made. It isn’t nearly as beautiful.”

Candy held my face and looked at me with the most serious look she could muster at this time of night. “If Marie made it herself for Candy, then Candy knows that it must be the most beautiful one ever.”

I stared at Candy for a while as she held my face in her hands. This could not be a little six year old girl. Sometimes the things she said made me doubt if she were truly a child. It was as if she wasn’t a child but a mother stuck in a little girl’s body.

“You little angel.” I whispered. “Can Bunny wait here? I will go get it and we’ll hide it upstairs in your room.”

After I picked it up from the shed, Candy and I walked up to her room and put it in her closet. Candy thanked me many times and told me that she absolutely loved it. Finally, I helped her get tucked into bed. As I covered her with the blanket, Candy looked up at me, and touched my cheek.

“Candy was so happy when Candy saw how happy Jaden made Marie. But now…” she sighed, looking away for a second. “Now Marie isn’t happy. But, it’s okay Marie. Candy is always here for Marie, because Candy loves Marie… Even if Marie goes back again…” her eyes had been closing as she spoke, and finally she was asleep. Her words rang in my head as I went downstairs and lay in bed.

Candy was right. Since Jaden came, things had changed. But now, I felt myself slipping back. I felt myself losing this battle against myself. I wanted to have faith in others. I wanted to believe that all people weren’t in pain. I wanted to believe that I could be happy. But, that girl was there. She was there to make me remember that I was kidding myself. I felt like I had been dreaming this whole time, though I hadn’t realized that at first. But now the signs were showing themselves, and I knew that I would be waking up soon.

I remembered the dream that I always used to have, the awful dream about the box. It hit me then, as to what I was sealing into the box. For once the dream seemed to make sense. I was sealing these emotions. It’s time, Marie. It’s time to put them back in. It’s time to let it go. I felt my mind screaming the same few lines, till it gave me a headache. But I kept saying ‘no’ to it, because I still had Jaden. Even if I couldn’t trust Tammy, I had Jaden. I could trust Jaden. And as I went to sleep, I felt myself wishing that I’d made the right choice.

I woke up the next day, and Jaden wasn’t in my room. And then, I was back to my old self. I felt anything that had happened in the past few months being wash away by the giggling of a little girl. She had told me so.

I didn’t see Jaden for the rest of winter break. He went back home to spend New Year’s with his family. He left early in the morning without telling me. I spent a lot of time at home, since Mother and Father wouldn’t let me go out.

Things went back. Back to the way they were before Jaden, except it was worse. Mother and Father had noticed the change in me, and they intended to suck it out. I didn’t blame them though. They must have been so stressed trying to keep up an appearance around Jaden. They weren’t bad, and now I knew why they were so pained. It wasn’t just Mom and Dad’s death. I had done something worse. It must be hard to take care of the girl who did something awful, and to know that she has no clue what it was. That must hurt. I had done something, even though I didn’t remember.

The little girl didn’t appear anymore during break. I spent the rest of break cleaning and sleeping. Mother no longer made vegetarian food, since Jaden wasn’t around. I was hit much more, and I spent quite a few days outside. At first, I had been angry, I felt myself burning. But it went away quickly, as I realized what was happening to me. When had I last been so bitter? I wasn’t like that anymore. And soon, the anger was gone, and with it went anything else that had ever changed.

The night before school, I was outside in the cold, when I decided to see Tammy. She was probably so worried about me. I didn’t want to go, but I felt I had to. I walked to her home in the rain without any shoes, since Mother and Father had never let me grab them as they pushed me out the door.

When I reached Tammy’s house, I climbed a tree that was near her window. It took longer than usual because of all the bruises on my body. By the time I was on the tree, I was drenched and covered with dirt. But, I didn’t care. I didn’t feel any of it. I knocked on the window, and Tammy came to it. Her face was filled with surprise and pain. I didn’t look at her as she helped me in.

She hugged me and kept saying something, and it took me some time to realize that she was responding to what I was muttering. I didn’t even realize I was saying something, for some time, until I realized I was hearing another voice that wasn’t Tammy’s.

“I lost.”

“It’s okay Marie.” Tammy kept whispering as I repeated the same two words. I lost.

The rest of that night was a blur. I took a bath and Tammy gave me some clothes to wear as she washed my muddy ones. Then, as we sat quietly, waiting for my clothes to dry, she spoke to me, and I actually heard her this time.

“I think you should stay away from Jaden.” She sighed, as I looked at the ground.

Jaden, too, was lying to me. I could hear it in Tammy’s voice. I had expected as much. I had known. Yet it hurt a bit to hear it was true.

I changed into my clothes once the dryer was finished, and sat next to Tammy who was curled up on her bed. Her eyes were still red from crying.

“Tammy, you remember that song you liked? How’d it go…Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun…”

Tammy smiled a bit at me. “Please shine down on me.” She sang.

“The sun shined on me through the dark, Tammy. But I hadn’t thought about how much colder the dark would feel when it was gone once more.” I mumbled. Tammy looked at me with fresh tears in her eyes. “This time, I’m going to do it properly. I’m going to do it alone. I don’t want you to go through this with me.” I said as I got up and walked toward the window. “Stay away from me Tammy. I don’t need you. I will never need you.”

I didn’t look back to see her face. I couldn’t do it. This time, I was going to try to not hurt anyone. I had been in some dream for too long. It was time that I woke up. I left her room and climbed down the tree. Once I was down, I looked up at her room window.

“You said you would be anything that I needed you to be.” I muttered to the night. “I need you to just be happy.”

I walked home and didn’t look back. Every step became easier and easier to take, as I got farther and farther away from the one of the few people who cared about me. The person I had chosen to push away. She deserved better. She’d been stuck with me for too long. She would have been happier if she’d never met me.

As sun rose once more and I headed for school, I realized that the dream was gone. I was back in reality, and this time, I wasn’t going to let my head get stuck in the clouds. I knew my place know, and I was going to stay there.

Jaden wasn’t at school that day. He was going to come home that night. When I got home, I cleaned up the house again, and cleaned my room. Then, around 8, the doorbell rang, and Mother dragged me to the door. She opened the door and I kept my gaze down.

“Our guest has returned!” Father laughed.

“Yes, thank you for taking care of me.” Another voice said. It was Jaden. It was much harder than I thought it would be to not look up at him. Was he okay? Did he change? All of that didn’t matter. I had to keep my grip on reality.

“Don’t worry your little head, Jaden dear. Let’s have dinner.” Mother laughed, pleasantly.

“Jaden! Candy missed you!” Candy giggled. I saw her run towards him. As she hugged him, everyone began to walk toward the dining room.

I turned as well to head toward the dining room. “Hi Marie.” Jaden said. I felt his breath on my neck. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t even move. “Marie, I’m sorry.” He mumbled. He sounded sincere, but that no longer mattered. He was just a dream. I wasn’t falling for it again.

I nodded and walked away without once looking back at him. If I looked at him, I might lose my resolve. After a few minutes at the dinner table, I left. Mother smiled approvingly. However, she hadn’t expected Jaden to excuse himself at the same time as well. Even I hadn’t expected that. He led the way as we walked to our room. I didn’t look at him; instead I looked at his feet. Once we were in the room, I went to the couch that was set up as a bed, and I lay down.

“What are you doing?” Jaden muttered. “You can sleep in your bed Marie.” He said, bending down next to where I was sleeping. He touched my cheek softly, but I kept my eyes closed. “Marie, I’m so sorry for leaving you… But you don’t know my father. Dad, he sent a limo here at 4 in the morning. I opened the door and they grabbed me. They wouldn’t even let me come in to get my things. I was forced into the limo and they took me away. My father has always been crazy, but I hadn’t been expecting what he did. It took a lot for me to be able to get back here. He had me locked in the house all week. I promise you I didn’t leave you by choice. I wouldn’t do that.”

He sounded honest. I understood. I had understood even when he had left. I understood that I had been relying on him too much. I didn’t need anyone. I had promised myself that so long ago.

“Marie, please. Please, listen to me.” Jaden whispered. I kept my eyes shut, and I heard him sigh and move away. It wasn’t until around 2 in the morning that my eyes opened. It was silent, so I slowly got up. I needed to go to the restroom. I headed toward the door, and felt stupid when I felt two arms locked around my waist.

“Marie, Marie, Marie. Did you think I would let you go that easily?” Jaden chuckled. I didn’t move. “Marie, why won’t you talk to me?” Jaden sighed, and I felt him put his forehead on my left shoulder. Then, he turned me around, but I kept my eyes down. “Marie, look at me.” I didn’t look at him. “Marie. Marie, come on.” Then, he sighed. “Do we really have to do this the hard way.” He smiled. Then, I was pinned onto the bed. I tried not to look at him, but he pinned my hands over my head with one hand, and grabbed my face with the other. I closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t have to look.

“Come on, Marie.” He whispered.

Finally, I opened my eyes and looked at his blue ones that looked foreign to me now. It was time that I kept him away from me. “You are a monster.” I said to him, I had already practiced what I was going to say, so my face didn’t show any hesitation. This had to be done.

“What?” Jaden said confused. His grip loosened just a bit.

“You are a monster. Have you been lying to me this whole time? I thought you were different. What are you doing to me right now? Have you been pretending to be a nice guy? I thought that I could trust you. But you are a monster.”

Jaden had let go of me completely, and I was standing now. He stood a few feet from me, and I could see the shock in his face. I was hurting him, but he would be hurt less in the long run. He had to get away from here, away from me.

“That’s,that’s not…” Jaden muttered.

“I trusted you, and you pinned me to a bed. I didn’t think you were like that Jaden…my wrist hurts.” I said, looking at my wrist. It was red, which wasn’t surprising since my skin got red easily, but Jaden didn’t know that.

“Marie, come on, I-” he said, moving toward me.

“Stay away.” I muttered, no longer looking at him. He was falling for it. Jaden sighed, but I didn’t look up. Then I heard the door close loudly. I looked up and Jaden was gone. He had fallen for it. He had believed me. He hadn’t seen through my lies. This was good…but why did I wish that he had…

Jaden must have left for school before me, because I didn’t see him when I woke up. I walked to school alone. As I reached the campus, I saw Jaden, but I stayed away from him. At my locker, Tammy came up to me.

“Hi Marie! How are you doing?” She smiled at me. I could hear her friends whispering behind me. They must have been walking to class together when Tammy saw me. I ignored Tammy, not even bothering to look at her.

“Hey, did you hear her? She said ‘hi’. After all she’s done for you, you’re going to ignore her!” One of Tammy’s friends had grabbed my shoulder. I was about to knock their hand off, when Tammy gripped the girl’s wrist.

“Danielle. Stay out of this. Don’t touch her.” Tammy muttered. She was mad. She always became illogical when people said things to me that she didn’t like. She had to get over it. People were starting to gossip about the fact that she might actually be very violent. Tammy didn’t deserve to be mistreated because of me. “She’s an old friend of mine, and I made her mad. She has a right to be a bit angry.” Tammy said, pulling her lips into a smile.

“Geez, Tammy, you’re too nice.” One of her other friends giggled.

“Not at all.” Tammy smiled. “Anyways, we should go to class. Bye Marie.”

She didn’t talk to me in any of our classes, and by lunch I felt safe. I decided to sit behind the trees, but instead of going into the little forest, I sat next to one of the trees on the edge. I was just being lazy. I had closed my eyes and was trying to sleep when I heard footsteps approaching. I peaked my head out to see who it was and saw Jaden walking up to the trees. I hid back behind the trees, thinking of what to do.

“Jaden. Where do you think you’re going?” I heard Tammy say. I looked around the tree and saw Tammy walking up to Jaden.

“To Marie. I have something for her.”

“Stay away from her Jaden.”

“I won’t.” Jaden said back to her.

“Jaden, why don’t you get it? This is all your fault! Why did you leave her alone? She was all alone. I didn’t even know!” Tammy said. I saw her push Jaden, with tears in her eyes.

“I didn’t… I didn’t have a choice.”

“Then stay away from her. She can’t go through that again.” Tammy said, a bit bitterly.

“What?”

“She trusted you! She trusted you and you left her.” I could hear the frustration in Tammy’s voice. I looked at them from behind the tree, and saw that she was grabbing Jaden’s shirt and shaking him.

“It’s okay, I-I’ll fix it.”

“Jaden, you can’t…”I barely heard Tammy mumble. “It’s worse than before. She’s even worse than before. Who knows what they did to her. She didn’t have anyone to protect her from them .”

I recognized that voice. She was getting angry. I should go out. I had to calm her down. As I got up, I stopped myself and sat back down. I couldn’t go. I had to stay away from them. This was my only chance to end this. This was my only chance to save them. I cared about them, but they had to stop caring about me. It wasn’t good for them.

“Let me just give her something. I had meant to give this to her before I left. Tammy, I need to give this to her.”

“It’s not going to help Jaden. I would know.” Tammy shook her head at him.

“But let me try.” Jaden sighed.

I think Tammy nodded, because I could hear Jaden walking toward me once more. I ran quietly into the little forest, to my favorite tree. I sat down quickly and tried to calm myself down. Slowly, my heart stopped racing, and I heard Jaden.

“Marie?” He sighed. I didn’t look at him as he sat down next to me. “Marie, I have something for you.”

“I told you yesterday. I don’t want anything to do with violent people.” I muttered to him. It honestly did bother me that he seemed to have been hiding all of his anger and everything from me. What else was he hiding? “You’ve been hiding yourself from me. I can’t trust you.”

“Marie, please open this gift. Open it and I will leave you alone.” He said, handing me a box. I looked at it. “Please Marie.” I couldn’t help it. I grabbed the wrapped gift and opened it.

It was a cell phone. It looked expensive. I had never had a cell phone before.

“It was my Christmas gift to you. I never got the chance to actually give it to you…” He said, somewhat shyly. “Marie…” He said softly, lightly turning my face so that I was looking at him. “I’m not hiding myself from you. This is who I want to be. Marie, I’ve been trying to change. You’ve made me want to change. I want to be someone that you can trust. I promise that it’s not what you think... Anyways, my cell number is already in the phone. If you ever need anything, just call. I promise you that I will come to you no matter where you are, no matter the time.” Jaden smiled sweetly.

I looked away quickly. I didn’t want to give anything away. He had to stay away from me, not get closer.

“Bye Marie.”He sighed as he stood up and left.

Once I knew he was long gone, I told the trees what I had wanted to say since Jaden returned. “…Welcome back, Jaden…” I sighed.

He would be safe. So would Tammy. If they stayed away from me. Because this was reality, not a dream.