The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

It took me a minute to realize where I was. I was outside my home, the one where I lived when I was little, with my parents. I was standing on the sidewalk facing the path that led to the front door. I took a step towards it looking at my feet. When I looked up, my parents were outside the door. A little girl stood in front of them, and Mom and Dad had their hands on her shoulders. The little girl was me. They were a perfect family.

“Mom, Dad.” I said excitedly but my voice didn’t reach them. They weren’t looking at me, but suddenly the little girl did and ran towards me.

“Monkey!” She giggled as I squatted and smiled at her.

“Hey kiddo.” I laughed at the fact that I was talking to myself.

“It’s been a while. You were gone for so long. But now you’re back.” She smiled at me as she spoke. “Let’s go.” She said, putting her hand out, but I didn’t grab it. I just… had a feeling and I always trusted my instincts.

“I talk to myself often, huh.” I said suddenly confused.

“No! SILLY! I’m BUNNY!” She growled. I stood up and took a step back.

“Bunny? CANDY?” I suddenly said confused. She was the same age as candy, but she didn’t look anything like her. “Why do you… look like me?” I asked.

“I’M NOT CANDY.” She shrieked as everything suddenly melted away and everything went black around us until all that was left of the pretty image before was the girl and the sidewalk under just our feet. “Still don’t remember me?” She started crying. I couldn’t keep up with her.

As she cried she grew. Now she looked like me when I was about 12. “What is going on?” Every second only managed to confuse me more. She smiled at me, but it was dark and cold. I resisted the urge to shiver and took a step back. “I’m warning you, don’t come near me.” I said to her calmly but honestly.

“You’re different. Fiesty. Not like before.” She said as she examined my face. I still didn’t get why she looked like me. But, she was wearing this white dress, and at that age I NEVER wore dresses. EVER.

“Yeah, I’ve heard as much. Apparently I’m much more heartless too. I’m dreaming right? What the heck are you doing here?” As I spoke it hit me. “Oh! Earlier I was thinking about what the ‘me’ who I had been would say about the decision I made. Then, I dream about myself. “OH! It’s because I wanted to talk to myself.”

She was looking at her nails. “I already told you. I’m NOT you. I’m Bunny.” Then she smiled at me. “Your anger. That’s because of me.” She giggled.

“What anger?” I asked slowly.

“The one you always feel in the back of your head. Your hatred for the world. All me. Like it?” She smiled as she walked in a circle around me.

“Why?” I asked quickly. She kept dragging things out while I tried to make things short.

She giggled. “Why should I tell you?”

I grabbed her by the front of her dress and pulled her to me. “Because I have no problem kicking the crap out of you till the anger gone.” I smiled. “You’re just a dream.”

“Try it.” She giggled. “You can’t.” She said as she pushed me off. I wasn’t sure if I could hit a kid. Probably, but I didn’t swing. “Everyone hates you, you know that? Tammy too.” She smiled as Tammy appeared behind her.

“Marie? What’s…” She said looking around, confused.

“You can’t hurt her either right?” She giggled at me as she took a step towards Tammy. “But… I can.” Suddenly, there was a gun in her hand and she aimed it at Tammy, as Tammy called my name for help. Begging, crying.

“Stop screwing with me.” I growled as I grabbed the girl who looked just like me and turned her around to face me. Then I swung at her.

I had only managed to raise my fist when there was a stabbing pain in my head, in my bones. Everything ached as I fell to the ground. “Tammy… Run.” I managed to say, but Tammy just kept crying and calling my name. ‘Bunny’ squatted down and looked at me.

“What you gonna do now, Monkey?” She giggled. She stood and pointed the gun at Tammy once more. Through the pain I reached out and grabbed her leg.

“Not EVEN in my dreams.” I gasped. I wouldn’t let her hurt Tammy. The pain doubled and I couldn’t move.

“You should really stop struggling.” She smiled and I heard a gunshot. I looked up and saw Tammy hold the side of her stomach as a bright red blot grew on her shirt. It grew slowly, creeping further and further from its initial starting point. She looked at me and managed to choke out my name once more before she fell to the ground.

“no, no, no. No. NO.” I yelled.

“Marie! CAREFUL! You’ll fall!” I heard Jaden’s voice as I jumped up. I was already falling before I remembered that I had been sleeping in a tree. Before hitting the ground, I felt Jaden catch me. I looked at him and he smiled at me softly. “I told you.”

“Let me go.” I growled as I struggled, but he just held me tighter.

“Is that the way to thank someone? I’m not letting go till you thank me properly.” He smiled, but more playfully now. I didn’t say anything and looked at him angrily, but that only made him hold on tighter. “You’re cold.” He mumbled, and I hadn’t realized that until her said it. He actually felt really warm and for a minute I forgot that I was supposed to be angry. BUT then I remembered. I glared at him but he just smiled even more widely. “So. What’s it gonna be, Princess?”

I looked away and spoke quietly. “thanks…” I mumbled.

“What? I couldn’t hear you.” He chuckled.
“I said THANK YOU.” I said pretty loudly.

“There. That wasn’t so bad.” He chuckled as he slowly let me down, giving me a minute to balance myself before letting go.

“Easy for you to say.” I grumbled. I looked up at him and his lip was a bit swollen. I looked away and then realized it was actually pretty dark. “Ummm, aren’t you a bit too early for school?”

“Yeah. I saw you in the tree yesterday while I was leaving. BUT since it seemed like you wanted to stay there I decided I would just come early in the morning so you would have time to go home and get ready for school.” He smiled like it was no big deal. “Of course if you actually wanted to have Tammy to find you in the tree, I’ll help you get back in the tree and you can sleep till she wakes you up with her screaming.” He was still smiling… Does he not get tired of that?

“Thanks.” I mumbled again. He was WAY too considerate. I wasn’t used to saying thanks to someone so much. “I think I’ll head home and change.”

“I’ll go with you.” Jaden smiled, and when he noticed that I was about to protest he put his finger to my lip and then spoke. “I have nowhere to go, and you actually do owe me.”

I glared at him but then sighed as I moved his hand away. “Fine.” I said with a fake smile.

“Then, let’s go, Princess .” He said softly.

I fumed quietly as we walked, trying to prevent myself from saying anything stupid. I had a feeling that he enjoyed testing my limits and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of believing that he had in any way succeeded. Finally, against my better judgment, I spoke. “You know, I’m not some kid. I don’t need your help. I believe I’ve proven that I can take care of myself. Maybe that’s what I needed you for before, but not anymore.” I sighed.

“True, it’s likely you don’t need my help, but I get the feeling you could use a friend.”

I laughed. “And YOU want to be my friend? You can’t force a friendship onto someone. I would actually have to consent as well.” Before he could respond I spoke again. “Listen, people who are friends with me end up getting hurt. You think you know, but you don’t you don’t know the half of it… Apparently even I’m missing part of the picture.” I mumbled the last part mostly to myself. But what Tammy said and my dream hinted to something I was missing. Of course it was also possible I had the dream because I was thinking about what Tammy had said. Now that I thought of it, in my dream Tammy had gotten shot in around the same spot that Blade had gotten shot… Suddenly I felt a lot less worried about the dream. Just my conscious freaking out unnecessarily.

“Just because things get tough doesn’t mean you just leave a friend in need.” Jaden smiled. “You may not remember being friends, but just because you don’t doesn’t mean I’m going to leave your side.”

“But you should. The faster the better.” I smiled at him but I felt cold. “You know what the problem is. Problem is both of you think that no matter how far I’ve fallen, I’m still the Marie I used to be. That there I’m still virtuous, etc. Look at me Jaden, I’m not. I’m a mess and I lack morality. Right, wrong, it’s all the same to me.” I sighed. “Not a single shred of regret either.”

“What about Tammy?”

“Let’s just assume that Tammy’s the one and ONLY exception to everything. She’s… my moral compass.” I said, unable to find a better word. “We’re polar opposites. She’s all that’s right with the world and I’m all that’s wrong. Funny how things work out.” I smiled. “We weren’t really meant to be friends huh. I don’t even think there’s anything we have in common anymore.” I sighed as we walked up the driveway to my house. “I guess I’ll be staying here again.” I muttered as Jaden opened the door with his key and we walked in.

I quickly looked through my closet, surprised to find really lose fitting clothes and A Lot of sweatshirts. I finally decided on a pair of jeans and a tank top with a black sweatshirt over it. I wasn’t in the mood to wear one of the long sleeved shirts. I took my clothes and under garments to the bathroom and quickly took a shower and changed into the clothes I had chosen. I walked out and Jaden was waiting next to the door of “our” bedroom. “How do I look?” I smiled.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” He smiled and pointed at the mirror in the bathroom.

“No need.” I said as I tied up my wet hair into a ponytail.

“Huh?” Jaden asked a bit confused.

“I don’t like mirrors.” I said quickly. “Anyways, I’ll go first. You should come with Tammy.” I said while I headed to the door. As I opened it I turned around. “Also… sorry… for punching you.”

Jaden laughed. “It’s fine.” Then I left for school with a purpose. I didn’t want to be a part of Kelly’s whole gang thing anymore. I had thought about it and decided to tell her so. Of course she would probably sic her buddies on me but I had no doubt that I could kick all of their asses with minimal damage to myself. I had factored the pros against the cons and decided that this was best.

I was selfish. I couldn’t stay away from Tammy. Even if I had hurt her, I was her friend and I wanted it to stay that way. But, maybe I could make up for it by becoming a better person. Someone that Tammy would be proud to say is her friend. So, step one would be to leave Kelly and the others behind, in my past like they were before.

I walked to the same place that I had met them the first time and luckily Kelly was there. “Just the person I was looking for.” I smiled at Kelly, but she just looked at me curiously. “Can we talk for a bit?”

“Go ahead.” She smiled, not moving from her position next to the others. She stood a few feet apart from them, between them and me as if to declare her position as pack leader.

“Alone.” I glared.

“Fine.” She sighed after a minute. I walked away around the corner and she slowly followed. “What do you want?” She asked once she reached me. She seemed bored.

“I want out. I’m sorry, but I want to leave.”

Kelly stared at me and then started laughing. “Did you really think it would be that easy?”

“Well, I thought we could skip the whole fist fight. You know they won’t win.” I smiled. “Of course, if you find it necessary, I don’t mind.”

Kelly smiled. “The last time you left I wasn’t the leader. Now, though, I am. I decide the punishments now. And for you I already have the best one.” Her smile grew and the darkness in her eyes grew as well.

“What?” I said with a straight face. No emotions. I can’t show anything. No response. I kept muttering that to myself. The biggest thing was to show no fear. I couldn’t let her see any sign of weakness because there was no doubt that she would exploit it.

“Leave and Tammy will take your place.”

I kept my gaze steady and every muscle calm I smiled as casually as possible. “She would NEVER join. It’s impossible.”

“True,” Kelly said as she glanced at her nails then she smiled at me again, “But I never said she’ll be joining the group. She’ll take your place for the punishment.” Kelly looked carefully into my eyes. I tried to keep my eyes from glowing red, but it was too late. I felt it seep through my veins. I tried to hide it but Kelly saw it. I should have expected this. If Kelly knew she couldn’t win against someone she would find someone she could. Lucky for her my weakness was so obvious she didn’t have to look very hard. My one weakness. I could care less about everything else, but Tammy… My biggest weakness was the fact that I cared about her. This is exactly why I was trying to push her away.“It would be so easy. All I would have to do is tell her you were in trouble and she would come running wherever I told her to go.” She laughed.

“She wouldn’t.” I smiled, regaining control over my composure. “I guess you haven’t heard but we’re not friends anymore. She hates me, apparently.”

Kelly laughed. “Oh, you KNOW she would come. No matter how much she hates you she would come to help you.” She was right. I knew she was right. The problem was that was Tammy’s personality. If someone was in trouble, it was against her nature not to help. “Your choice. Leave and she suffers or stay.”

“I’ll protect her.”

“Every second of every day? Can you really do it?” Kelly kept laughing. “Isn’t this the best sort of punishment? Because if you drop your guard for even a second, that’s it. That’s all it’ll take.”

She was trying to scare me and it was working. But I had to do this. I could protect her. Every second if necessary. “I’m leaving.” I said as I turned away. “But I won’t let you hurt her.”

“Wait.” Kelly said as she snapped her fingers and a couple of people appeared from around the corner. They come up to me and grabbed me, but I didn’t stop them. I didn’t want to make Kelly angrier right now, or who knew what she would do for revenge.

Kelly slowly came towards me and then gripped my right arm tightly as her helpers held me in place. She had her right hand behind her as she smiled angrily. “A little gift before you leave.” She said as she pulled her right hand up and revealed a small knife. She twisted my arm so my palm was facing up and then she pushed the sleeve of my sweatshirt up my arm. Halfway up my forearm she dug the knife into my skin. She took her time carving a ‘K’ but it wasn’t deep. It wouldn’t need stitches or anything but it was still bleeding quite a bit.

I had gasped when she first put the knife to my flesh but now I remained expressionless. Not an ounce of pain on my face. I just pretended it wasn’t my arm that I was looking at. It wasn’t my arm that she had cut a ‘K’ into. Her helpers let me go, but she didn’t let go of my arm.

“It’s not deep so it shouldn’t leave a bad scar or anything.” She said casually as if we were talking about a scrape I got from a bad fall. No big deal. “But, the one I give Tammy will be much deeper. How do you think she’d feel having a huge ‘K’ on her stomach? A deep one. One that time won’t erase.” She giggled.

“Know your limits.” I growled before I could stop myself. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have just ignored her, but the words just spilled out.

“No, Marie.” She said as she moved her face next to mine and whispered in my ear. “Know YOURS.” She released my arm and started walking away. The others followed so that I was left alone.

I took my time walking to the nurse’s office, unsure of what I should say. However, when I reached it nobody was inside so I washed my cut in the sink and helped myself to an alcoholic swab and a gauze wrap. Then, I quickly pulled my sleeve down and walked out.

School wasn’t going to start for some time so I stood at the main gate, impatiently waiting for Tammy and Jaden. I was worried about her, but I was also worried about how I was going to explain it to her. What should I say? My mind kept me busy until they were finally in sight.

When Tammy saw me she looked a bit hurt and then determined. As she talked to Jaden she tried to walk by me but I called after her. “Tammy, listen.” I mumbled as I grabbed her arm to stop her.

“What?” She said angrily as she pulled her arm away from me.

“I left the gang. I left for good. I won’t be fighting for them anymore.” I smiled at her and though she tried not to, she smiled as well.

“Really?” She said as she hugged me. “Thank you.” She said through giggles.

“Yep, I’m all clean now.” I laughed. When she let go I looked at Jaden.

“Congrats.” He smiled.

“Yeah… thanks.” I smiled back.

“Wait a minute.” Tammy suddenly said and I swallowed loudly. I had a feeling I knew what she was about to say. She pulled me close to her so her face was inches from mine. I was about to be stared down to assure I was telling the truth. I had to keep my eyes empty of any and all guilt. “What about the punishment? What was it? You’re not hurt… Was it something worse?” She said and I could practically see all the bad possibilities she was considering. I was pretty sure one of them was that I was possibly lying.

“No. I got off easy.” I smiled at her. “But. Just… Don’t trust her. No matter WHAT she says.” I muttered. She looked at me a bit confused but nodded.

“Tammy!” Someone called from behind me. I turned around and a few of Tammy’s other friends were calling out to her.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in class.” Tammy smiled at me. “I am supposed to do some club activity stuff.”

“Alright. See you in a bit.” I smiled as I waved to her and she left.

She had just turned a corner when Jaden’s voice in my ear made me jump. “So, got off easy, huh?” I turned around to face him.

“Yeah. It just worked out that way. Lucky, right?” I smiled as cheerfully as I could but Jaden just laughed.

“What was that?” He said through a fit of laughter and my mood immediately fell.

“What.” I said darkly. “You have a problem with my cheerfulness.”

“No, it’s just. I’ve never seen you smile like that before.” He said. He had managed to stop laughing. “All the more reason to believe that you’re hiding something.”

“Even if I was, that would be my business and my business alone.” I grumbled.

Jaden shook his head and smiled. “Since we’re friends it would be my business.” I was going to respond but before I could he spoke again. “Anyways, I have to go to my locker so see you later.” He said as he walked away. I had a feeling he did that on purpose.

I was thinking of not going to class but decided that I would since it would be best if I kept an eye on Tammy. So, after going to my locker and randomly looking through the things in it I went to class. I was one of the first people there… which was extremely unusual for me but I ignored the stares and took a nap at my desk.

The obnoxiously loud bell woke me up and students quickly piled into class. When the late bell rang, I glanced at the teacher. If I remembered correctly, which was no doubt I did, this was Mr. Spiel’s class. Normally this class would be second but because of the rotating schedule it was first today. He started with attendance.

“…Marie Grace.” He announced and I raised my hand.

“Here.” I smiled. From the way he said my name and the looks he was giving me I got a feeling he didn’t like me.

“And WHY haven’t you been ‘here’ for the past 2 weeks?” He growled, mimicking the way I said ‘Here’ rudely.

“I got in a car accident and hit my noggin.” I said goofily as I knocked on my head with my hand. “BUT don’t worry! I’m still just as smart as I was before so if you need any help just ask me!” I smiled while several people in the class laughed.

After silencing the class he muttered to himself and continued roll call. It was only when he came to Tammy’s name that I paid attention.

“Tammy Pierce.” Mr. Spiel called not looking up from his attendance sheet. “Ms. Pierce?” He repeated as he looked up. That meant… the empty seat next to me was hers. I hadn’t known since this was the first time I was coming to this class. I felt so stupid. I had forgotten that Tammy had said she was in this class in the morning. “That’s strange she is always here on time.” Mr. Spiel said aloud but mostly to himself. Then he just continued.

I, on the other hand, had my eyes glued to the classroom door. Had Kelly already gotten her? Had she seriously fallen for Kelly’s lies right after I told her not to? Or had she been dragged out of here? Five minutes passed and I could barely breathe. What if they were hurting her right now, while I sat in this stupid class? What if she was calling for my help but I couldn’t hear it? I kept staring at the door and then the clock but nobody came in. Was Tammy fighting and calling Kelly names, refusing to be beaten easily? But even I knew it was a fight she would lose. Was this all my fault for not telling her about what Kelly said? Ten minutes passed and still nothing. Each minute made me feel more and more desperate.

Finally I raised my hand. Ten minutes had been enough time. If I had any hope of helping her I would have to leave quickly. “May I go to the bathroom?” I said abruptly. Mr. Spiel looked at me and I had a feeling he was thinking of refusing. “I think I’m on my-“ I began to say. Periods tend to scare male teachers. If announcing that would make him let me go I didn’t care what others thought of me.

“Go!” Mr. Spiel exclaimed before I could finish. His pal face gave me the feeling he knew what I was about to say. I nodded and tried to walk to the door slowly with little success. As soon as I was out the door I was running.

But, where would I look? The empty building. It was likely Kelly would take her there. I sprinted as fast as I could. Because of that stupid dream I’d had I could hear Tammy’s voice in my ear. I could see her standing there calling for my help. I kept running but the image haunted me.

The building was in sight now but the voice in my head only got louder. Then, the part I hated. I told her to run but the gun rang and she held her chest and looked at me, tears in her eyes.

Ma…rie…