The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

“Marie… you did not do that….” Tammy said somewhat angrily.

I rolled my eyes. “What if I did. What are you going to do? Punish me? Oooooooh. I’m soooo scared.” I said without even smiling.

“Marie-“ Jaden began to say something to me but I cut him off.

“Who do you guys think you are my parents? Last I remember my parents are DEAD.” I said as I got up. “I’m going out.”

“MARIE GRACE. STOP. Right. THERE.” Tammy growled at me.

“Try and stop me.” I said with my hand on the doorknob of the front door. As I opened the door, I felt Jaden grab my arm.

“Marie, we need to talk about this.” He said as he looked into my eyes and I cursed myself for weakening because of it. I sighed as I pulled my arm away and sat back on the sofa where I had been sitting.

“Alright. What?” I said grumpily.

“What you did was wrong, Marie. You should apologize.” Tammy said calmly.

“And what about what they did?” I glared at Tammy and she looked away. It was quiet so I sighed loudly. “Are these ‘talks’ always a huge bore?” I grumbled.

“All that we are asking is that you go back and just say sorry.” Jaden said as he took a seat on the sofa next to me. “Is that too much to ask?”

I hadn’t been looking at him, but when I did I was glaring. “And who do you think you are to ask anything of me? If case you’ve forgotten, I DON’T KNOW YOU.” I muttered darkly. “You have no right to ask me for anything.”

“Well, I did stop you from committing murder. You do owe me for that. I’m willing to call us even if you go and apologize to them.” Jaden said calmly, appearing as if he wasn’t even slightly fazed by what I had said. But I had a feeling he was, even if he didn’t show it.

“I rarely owe people, and this is what you would waste it on? Really?”

When I didn’t say any more he continued. “Would you like me to come with you?”

“No, the last person on this planet that I would want to spend any time with is you.” I growled. “Since I owe you, I’ll go.” I got up and headed for the door. “Don’t expect me home soon, Tammy Dear.” I said as I sarcastically blew her a kiss as well.

I walked, actually more like I stormed, down the sidewalk towards my house for the SECOND time today. However, this time there was a difference, because unlike last time the walk did not cool me down.

Conveniently at this time I saw a group of guys who looked like freshmen, lighting cigarettes. I walked up to them and smiled at them sweetly. “Could I have one as well?” A couple of them blushed and as one of them handed me one I looked at the guy with a lighter and got close to his ear. “Could you light it for me? Pretty please?” He lit it and after a short thank you I kept walking. They called after me but I ignored it. I just needed the cigarette. I put it in my mouth and inhaled and exhaled letting the stench stick to my clothes.

I smiled as I walked up the driveway to what used to be the door of my house until I was dumped onto Tammy’s family. I dropped the smile as I rang the doorbell. Finally the door opened and behind the door stood my angry yet afraid aunt.

“Is it her?” I heard my uncle call from upstairs.

Y-Yes dear.” My aunt replied keeping her eye permanently glued to me… well, mostly the cigarette. When she looked at my eyes I smirked and blew out a puff of smoke towards her. My uncle was quick to appear next to my aunt. They stood there with the door open as I stood outside the house.

“What? Not going to invite me in?” As I said each word smoke came out with it. When they didn’t respond I pulled the cigarette out of my mouth and dropped it there on the driveway. While crushing it with my foot slowly I glared at them and spoke. “I ain’t gonna apologize, but you’re going to tell Jaden I did. AND the next time you call me over to do something as freaking stupid as this someone’s going to be left covered in bruises and for once it won’t be me.” I smiled darkly and I saw the shock mixed with fear in their eyes that they kept of their faces.

“We’re not afraid of you.” My uncle said as I turned to walk away and I turned to face them.

“Ohhh. But you should be.” I laughed venomously. I walked down the driveway and just kept walking. I didn’t want to go back to Tammy’s. I liked the way she was before, when she understood me. Now, she was like everyone else. No matter how big the smile on her face is, I can still see what she tries to hide, fear. She’s afraid of me. Everyone is. In everybody I look at I can see traces of it. I was surprised at how sickening I found it, that look it people. That is what I did to people? I was so horrible that that’s all people felt?

That was when I remembered Blade. I wanted to check up on him. He should be home now… if only I knew where that home was… I had been to his old house, but it was unlikely that he still lived there. Then I remembered a place where I could probably found out where he lived. The boxing gym. It was owned by his uncle and I remembered he spent a lot of time there.

Though he didn’t talk about it, I kind of always knew that his family life wasn’t all that great. Well, I guess the fact he was in a “gang” was a sign, but it was more than just his attempt to blow off steam or get revenge. Though I never spoke about my life and he never spoke about his, I guess it’s a feeling you get when someone’s similar to you. You just know .

The boxing gym wasn’t far so I got there pretty quickly. Luckily it was still there and it looked just like I remembered it, if not a bit nicer. When I walked in I realized it was pretty empty.

“Who forgot to lock the door?!” I heard somebody growl from a nearby room. When she walked out, she was smiling professionally. “I’m sorry. We’re closed.”

“Oh, sorry about that, but…” She had already turned away. “I need to know where Blade is.” I growled to assure she heard.

“Blade?” She said as she turned around. She looked calm but there was a sort of anger… no, protectiveness. “Don’t know him.”

“Look, I know his cousin owns this place. I’m a friend.” I said with intensity in my eyes that matched hers to show her that I would not be backing down. She was actually really pretty. Her hair was in a bun and she was tall and skinny but she was also curvy. She stood with her hand on her hip, fearless. But even then, I could see the fear in her eyes. Maybe not for her own sake, but it was there.

“I’m the wife of the man who owns this place. I’ve never met you.”

“The last couple of years our relationship has been… ‘strained’.” I smiled but sighed when she didn’t look any more trusting. “At least tell me if he’s alright… please.” It was hard for me to beg. I had never done it before. But it was my fault Blade was hurt. I wouldn’t be able to sleep without knowing he was alright.

“Get out.” That was all she said in response. Just then, Blade came out carrying a rag.

“I cleaned all the equipment.” He sighed facing the lady, apparently unaware that I was there. Then he saw me. “Marie?” He said but then looked at the lady. “She’s a friend.” Then he began walking to me. His pace was a bit slow but he tried to play it off as if nothing was wrong.

“Just came to check on you. Also, wanted to tell you that I took care of those guys.”

“Took care?” He said now that he was standing in front of me. I glanced behind him, but the lady was gone.

“Kicked the crap out of them.” I smiled.

“I didn’t need you to do that.”

“But I needed to do it.” I sighed. He was wearing a white t-shirt which was just see-through enough for me to see the gauze wrap around his chest, near the bottom of his rib cage. It was whiter in that area because of the wrap.

“Just needed a couple stitches. No big deal.” He said and we stood there awkwardly in the lobby of the boxing gym. Then, he spoke again. “You really don’t get what ‘Stay away’ means, huh?” He grumbled.

“you apparently don’t get ‘I can’t’.” I grumbled back. “If I had been there…”

“The same thing would’ve happened. What difference would you being there make? Except of course, being more of a hindrance.” He said a bit angrily. “What happens to me has nothing to do with you?”

I smiled. “You forget that I remember you now. If you care about people why don’t you just tell them?” I shook my head.

“Would you stay away if I said it?” He sighed and I quickly looked at his face and he was staring right at me. He was serious. Then he sighed. “Most of them would use any chance to bring you down. They don’t care about you. ESPECIALLY Kelly.” He said looking away.

“I had a feeling.” I smiled as I turned around. “See ya around.” I waved without looking at him.

“Wait. I won’t be at school so-” He said but I turned around and cut him off.

“I got it. I can take care of myself.” I smiled and then as I turned around. I dropped my head and spoke to him without looking. “You shouldn’t be walking around. Get some rest till it heals.” I stopped walking, waiting for his response with my hand on the door.

“Fine.” He said and I was smiling again as I opened the door.

“Yeah.” I said as I walked away and didn’t look back. Blade wasn’t one to sit around doing nothing. He needed to be moving, but I hoped he would take my advice. I took my time walking home, even though it was dark. A couple idiots called out to me but one glare silenced them quickly.

When I was a couple blocks from Tammy’s house. I saw Jaden walking towards me. He saw me and then quietly turned around and walked back to Tammy’s house. When I caught up with him he was leaning again the wall next to Tammy’s front door. “You had us worried.” He growled. I didn’t look at him as I walked toward the door. I would have kept going but Jaden stuck his arm out and then positioned himself in front of the door. “You’re not going in until I’m done.” Jaden said staring at me. I stared into his eyes but was a bit confused by what I found. Why wasn’t he afraid at all? Did he STILL not understand what I was capable of?

“Don’t think I won’t hurt you just because you ‘knew’ me.” I said to him smiling my malicious smile that has made several people shake.

“Don’t think I will let you off just because you give me a bad look.” He responded.

“Oh, I’ll do more than just give you a look.” I growled. “I’m going to say it one more time. Let. Me. Pass. This is your last chance. I’m warning you.”

“And I’m going to say it one more time. No.” He said. I glared into his eyes and even now there was no fear. Then I smiled. I got it. He didn’t think I was going to do it! Oh really? One nice hard punch would maybe knock some sense into him. Some fear. The one person who didn’t show any was the one person who I wanted to do so. Fear me. Leave me alone like everyone else. Close enough but not in striking range. I put my fist back and swung hard.

Halfway through the swing I saw him smirk. He wasn’t going to try to fight back. He saw it coming but made no movement to stop it whatsoever. I couldn’t help it. Without a second thought, seconds before I hit his face I slowed down a bit. Enough that he wouldn’t have a broken jaw. Enough that it would heal quickly. GOD DAMN IT. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t swing at him with all of my strength. WHY? Why was it always him? Why did he have to be the exception to everything? Why always him. It was infuriating. I hated it. I hated him. I hated his confidence. I hated the smirk he gave before I hit him.

He bent over a bit from the power of the blow and as he stood up his lip was cut but he stood up straight and smiled. “That it? I expected more than that from you, Marie.” YES, I definitely HATED him. I sneered and looked away. He grabbed my chin softly and turned me to face him. “I’m not going to let you push me away.” He was smiling sincerely.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I growled as I swatted his hand away. Why did I feel like I was always doing that? “And stop touching me.”

“Marie…”

“Get out of the way.” I yelled. “Or I’ll hit you again. I’ll count till three. ONE.”

“You had us worried. There’s no need for you to-“

“TWO.” I continued as he spoke.

“-keep acting like this. Please just-“

“THREE.”

“-trust me Marie…” He sighed. “I’m not going to move till you hear me.”

“This is going to hurt.” I said as I got ready to punch him again, but even now I could see in his eyes that he would still not move. But I had to do this. The question was… could I? I swung.

“MARIE?!” I heard Tammy yell from behind me, stopping my fist mid swing. I actually felt relieved. I had already failed once. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to even touch him again. Then, I cursed myself for thinking that way and suddenly wondered if the same thing would happen with Tammy… it would. I had spent so many years protecting her. I couldn’t hurt her. I got one punch on Jaden but I was sure I wouldn’t have been able to touch Tammy. It was impossible.

Apparently I did have some semblance of a moral code.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” She yelled as she ran up to us. She looked at Jaden first and saw the cut on his lip. Then she turned to me. “This is WAY past the line! How dare you Marie? HOW could you do such a thing?” She turned back to Jaden. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine. It’s not Marie’s fault, I egged her on.” Jaden smiled as if everything were absolutely fine.

“Even then, I thought Marie knew the difference between FRIENDS and ENEMIES.” She growled as she glanced at me. “Why don’t we go inside?” She said to Jaden. She opened the door and after Jaden went in I went to follow him but she stopped me. “YOU are not coming in this house. I can’t believe you would do this Marie? I don’t even know who you are anymore. Wait here.” She said as she went inside and then came to the door. She threw me a sweatshirt. “I don’t care where you go or what you do. I’m sick and tired of having to worry about you every second. And the worst part? You don’t even CARE. You don’t care that we ran around trying to find you. And now, you can’t even see the difference between those who are on your side and those who aren’t.” I didn’t say anything. Just looked away. She paused and kept going. “The Marie I knew could be mean and she made me worry, but she ALWAYS cared about me. About Jaden. Even when she said the most awful things to push us away, she only did it for us. You know, she was willing to be all alone if it meant we’d be happy.” Tammy said, crying. “She protected everyone around her, even her aunt and uncle. She wasn’t weak, no, she wasn’t. Marie, she was STRONG. Far stronger than you.” Her voice cracked a bit as she spoke. “The ‘you’ now, doesn’t even compare to who you were, but we still stand by you. Even though I know the awful things you can do, I stood by you… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand by someone who only thinks about herself.”

“No, I-“ I tried to speak. I did care about her. But… maybe it was better if she stayed away from me. It was apparent that all I knew how to do was hurt people. I was really low. She did deserve better. Not me. So, I didn’t say more and looked away. I would let her go. I would let her hate me. I would not stop her.

“I know you don’t remember who you were, but that is no excuse. The Marie I knew back then would never have hurt a friend. You’re not her. You don’t remember everything Marie… Try to remember why you started fighting in the first place.” Tammy muttered. I looked at her, into her eyes, and hoped she could see it. Hoped she could see what I was trying to say but couldn’t. But as I looked at her, I knew she didn’t see it. She didn’t want to and I couldn’t say it, because I had to let her go. “Goodbye.” She said as she shut the door.

I stood there for several minutes, fighting the urge to knock on the door and apologize. To tell her I didn’t want her to hate me. She was the only person that I could really call a friend. The problem was me. Something was wrong in me. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why was I filled up with so much hatred?

Was the ‘me’ who I had forgotten proud of me? Would she agree with what I just did? If she really was the way Tammy said, I had a feeling she would. The thought made me smile. I was treating the person I was as a whole different person entirely. But, we were different people. Yet, there was something that assured me that we were one in the same and that was that I was willing to let Tammy go if that was the best way to protect her.

It didn’t matter anyways, I didn’t deserve friends. My life was a mess and when people got involved they just got sucked in as well. I put the sweat shirt on and shook my head. I let go of it all, all the thoughts. But there was one thought that just kept rising to the top. I hate myself. There is nothing about me that I like. Nothing at all me. I don’t have any good points whatsoever. I can’t do anything right. Why is everything I do wrong? Why? That’s not fair. It’s not. Why does nothing in my life function properly… Why do I screw everything up?

I started walking down the driveway until I realized I had nowhere to go. No other place to stay.

I walked back to the tree near Tammy’s window and sat there quietly. After some time, I saw Jaden walk down the driveway to go home. After a couple minutes, Tammy ran into her room and fell onto the bed.

And then she cried. And then cried some more. But I didn’t get up. I didn’t tap her window and apologize and beg her to take me back. I didn’t assure her that I could change, that I WOULD change.

I just sat there near her window and she cried into her pillow. Cried because of me.

I don’t know how long she cried for, but once she was done, she dried her face and fell asleep.

It was cold outside, but I stayed in the tree. I didn’t really have anywhere else to go… No, that was a lie. I could probably go home. I could sneak in and go to my room. Jaden would be there, but he would forgive me. I could sleep in my warm bed and it would be just fine. But it wasn’t fine. I wasn’t fine with this. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t fine at all. Tammy was hurt because of me and I was going to just sleep in a warm bed and forget it? No. I would stay here. All night.

I leaned against the trunk of the tree and immediately my back stung. I moved forward and smiled to myself. I deserved this. So I pressed my back against the trunk once more and ignored the fire it invoked. I closed my eyes, and only one thought kept going through my head. One single thought as I tried to fall asleep in the tree on a cold night with an aching back.

I hate myself…