The Girl Who Couldn't Feel

The water was so cold. My body shivered, but I continued to sit in the tub as the water filled it. My clothes were stuck to my skin, and they made me feel colder, since they soaked in the water. What was I doing? I don’t feel anything. I can’t feel anything. Father was right, I’m stone. There is nothing in my eyes, nor on my face. Nothing. I lay in the bathtub, which was very large, so that I could lie flat on the bottom. The water kept rising in the tub, till I was just able to breathe, and then, I held my breath as I went under. The water was icy. I didn’t know what I was doing. Maybe I could die here. I was told it’s like falling asleep. I could get out, but my body refused. It continued to search for the piece of emotion that had escaped from the metal box. How could that happen? I saw myself in Jaden’s eyes once more, and I was sure. I was sure that my face wasn’t plain. I felt like I was losing control. I realized I was running out of air, but I didn’t try to move. I looked around at the clear water and listened to the soothing sound of the water continuing to flow. I thought I could hear some shouting, but it was so muffled. The air was out of my lungs. “Mom? Dad?” I tried to say as water filled my lungs. It hurt. But it hurt so much more to feel. As soon as I had seen my face, I began to get flashes from when I was younger. But the memories burned me. They stung. I felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted them to just shut up. I didn’t want to know what happened. I didn’t want to remember. I wanted to forget. I wanted to leave it in the past. I didn’t want the truth if it burned me so much. I didn’t have enough to deal with it. My lungs ached as the water continued to flow down my throat. My vision grew fuzzy. The bright lights dimmed slowly, as if a cloud had come between and began to darken everything. I heard a muffled bang, and then I was floating. Floating above the pain, above the suffering, above it all, in my own little world.

Cough, cough. My throat burned as the water came up. My hair was wet, and sticking to me. I couldn’t see. Everything was blurry. I realized I was on the ground of the bathroom. That’s when I noticed Jaden was beside me. His eyes were worried but still darker. He patted my back, and was saying something.

“You should go to the hospital.” I finally understood what he was saying.

“I-I-I’m fine.” I said as I shivered and coughed. “I-I-I’m sorry.” I whispered through the coughing fits. Jaden had picked the door and pulled me out of the water. I shivered in his arms as he picked me up and took me to my room. “n-n-o. I…walk…” I managed to get out, but he ignored me. He placed me on the bed and covered me in several towels and then touched my cheek.

“What were you thinking! Look at you. You could have died!” he yelled. Then his face softened and he put his head on my chest, and hugged me. “Please, forgive me. I’m so sorry. I won’t ever hurt you again, just don’t do that. Don’t ever scare me like that.”

He was acting like a child. I tried to speak, but my throat ached. I got out a quivering “s-s-sorry” though. I reached for his soft hair on the top of his head. What was I doing? What was he doing to me? I was losing it, but I could no longer tell if it was good or bad. What if I did that? What if I let myself go? What if I stopped hiding? I almost smiled, when the visions came back. There was so much screaming, so much blood. What was it that I forgot? The few memories I saw hurt so much. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fight them. There was a reason I couldn’t remember anything. It’s because I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t. I stopped myself from touching his head, and put it back on my side. I couldn’t do it. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, it was gone. Any emotions I felt were locked once more. My will kept them boxed up, unable to affect me. I had never noticed how cold my face felt, how lifeless, how pale. Jaden looked up at me, and it was as if he saw it too. As if he saw that the flame was gone once more. With the flame went the memories. They stopped flickering in my head, I couldn’t see them anymore. I couldn’t even remember what I had seen. The burning stopped, the aching quelled, and all I felt was tired. So tired.

“What are you so afraid of?” Jaden asked, but I didn’t respond.

“I’ll change my clothes.” I said. I slowly got up, and ended up falling to the ground. Jaden helped me up onto the bed.

“I’ll get them. Where are they?” he said. I pointed them out and he brought them to me. I looked at him carefully. He smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t look.” He said, as he turned around.

Quickly, I change into the clothes he brought. Luckily, no one woke up, so I wouldn’t get in trouble. After I changed, I whispered, “I’m done.” I could Jaden’s eyes on me once more.

“What did I say about not looking me in the face? It really makes me want to tease you when you don’t.” He said. Immediately, I looked up at him, but I didn’t say anything. His moods were so erratic, I didn’t know what he was thinking. I no longer even knew what I was thinking. I wouldn’t survive this way. I had to stop doing this. I had to stop wanting to know more about him.

“Jaden,” I started, realizing that this was only the second time I had used his name, and I liked the way it sounded. No. I didn’t, I couldn’t. What was this? What was wrong with me? Did I have a fever? I had to stop, I’m not like him. I don’t have a chance at something beautiful. I won’t get to be happy. I had to pay. To pay for what I did. And it would take my whole life to do that. “I hate you. Please…please leave me alone. You don’t understand.” I whispered, looking him the eyes, hoping by some miracle he would leave me alone. He couldn’t help me. I wasn’t the one that needed helping.

“Then explain it to me. Tell me what’s wrong. What’s going on? Trust me.”

The last two words rang in my ears. Trust, how did that look? What was that? I didn’t remember anymore. I had forgotten. I no longer knew what that word meant. I looked at him for a second and spoke softly, “You won’t understand. Just…just don’t do this. I am fine. I don’t need anything.”

“Don’t do what?” he asked confused.

“Don’t…don’t make me want more.” I said. And with that, I said goodnight, and went back to sleep. Wrapped up in the blanket, my shivers from the cold water I had been in went away. But I was aware of someone in my room, checking my temperature every little while, and groaning as he lay down on his bed.

A week later…

We hadn’t talked much recently. Jaden had gotten a job. I decided he probably understood that he should just leave me alone. I wasn’t beaten as often, but I did get in trouble for dropping a plate and breaking a vase when I tripped, I just hadn’t been eating enough. As I sat down at the dinner table, Jaden came through the door, and took a seat as well. That is when I realized that the food was vegetable pasta. I looked up at Mother and she responded to my stare.

“Jaden said he wants to become a vegetarian, so we will be eating vegetarian food from now on. Plus, it’s good for us. Also, Jaden even provided us with some recipes!” she smiled excitedly. I looked at Jaden and he smiled. He had done this for me, and my Mother readily agreed with him, because my parents loved him. Jaden often would try to help around the house and he easily made my parents melt. But they couldn’t smile for me, I knew it wasn’t possible.

I ate the food quietly, pleased to eat more than a few bites. It was good.

After dinner, Jaden followed me to my room. “Don’t you have something to say?” he said leaning on the door after he closed it behind us.

“Thank you.” I muttered.

“No…it’s thank you, Jaden.” He smiled at me. He was teasing me, but I owed him.

“Thank you, Jaden.” I said, not able to stop the slight blush that touched my cheeks. Once again, he started laughing. Upset, though I kept my face the same, I went to my bed, and hid under to blankets. Jaden came and pulled them off.

“Sorry. Anyways, tomorrow, you’re coming with me. We don’t have school tomorrow and I’ve been planning this for a while.” He smiled. He knew my answer, because either way, he would take me.

The next morning, I got up early and took a bath. I made sure that I wore a long sleeve shirt as usual to cover the light bruises on my arms, and I then put on some jeans. I wore one of my loose hoodies as well. I walked into Jaden, as I came out, with my eyes down. “Don’t you have something to say?” he smiled again. Recently, he was having a bit too much fun teasing me.

“I’m sorry.” I replied. And he grabbed my chin, something that no longer surprised me.

“You know I’m joking right? I don’t mind at all. You don’t have to be careful around me. I won’t get angry…well, at least I won’t hurt you.” He smiled. He smiled more recently. Much more since the bathtub incident. He was worried, that was the only excuse.

“I won’t kill myself. It won’t happen again. I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m fine.” I whispered, and as he smiled and walked away, I thought I heard him say, “no, you’re not.”

Jaden talked to Father to get permission to leave, which he was given, since he said we were going to the library. I followed him out of the house and into a car. As we sat down in the passenger seat. The other 3 people stared at me.

“Who’s the girl?”

“No one for you to worry about.”

“Whatever, man” the other guy said.

“Hi I’m Lexi.” The girl with short pink streaked hair smiled. I nodded, and looked at the floor. I didn’t like this. Being around people. As I looked down, I felt a touch on my face, it was the guy on the right of Jaden.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jaden said moving the guy away.

“Well, I was gonna give her a little smooch but you were in the way. Anyways I’m Chris.” He said. I knew his hair was blue and black, but I didn’t look at him closely.

“So this is the girl that you’ve been working your ass off for.” the driver spoke. Jaden quickly whacked him in the head.

“She may be quiet but she’s not deaf you dimwit.” Jaden smiled. He looked different. He looked happy, but a different kind of happy. He looked like me when I entered my room, a relief sweeping over me. This was his home.

As we drove, I suddenly remembered something, though it was from long ago.

Someone put their arm around my shoulder. “Let’s sing Mr. Sun! Remember! It goes, Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, Please shine down on me!” the person said as we swayed.
It was happy, but then suddenly the whole memory changed, and I heard screaming. Blood-curling screams. It hurt. I knew who was screaming. It hurt.

I didn't realize when Jaden has put his hand on my shoulder but I quickly shoved it off. “Marie?” he whispered. But I was too busy covering my face. I could still hear the screaming and the moaning. I could see all the blood. It was everywhere. Everywhere I looked. My hands were covered in it. All that blood.

“Stop. Stop.” I kept muttering without even realizing it. Someone was shaking me, but i could still see it everywhere, there was just so much blood. So much blood.