Anaesthetic Heart

I froze at the top of the landing, my heart suddenly in my throat as I looked down the wooden stairs, to the lit up downstairs. Lizbeth stopped behind me, the pressure of her arm against my shoulder the only sign that she was there. Without a word, her fingers found mine, the warm flesh wrapping around mine with a gentle squeeze. That was the reassurance I needed, as I took the steps down the stairs. I reached the bottom landing that turned to the downstairs and stopped, as I saw the two boys standing in the entryway waiting.

Faron was leaning against the wall near the door, his head down and his arms crossed across his chest, his face cast down and is jaw set in a hard line. The folds of his hair hid his eyes, and all emotion in them. Zhen was leaning near the door to the kitchen, his foot against the frame, bent at the knee and relaxed. His arms were tucked into the pockets of his suit pants, and his head up to the ceiling. Lizbeth cleared her throat, as both heads snapped towards us. Zhen's eyes trained on my face, but Faron quickly looked away. I took a deep breath, and sat down on the landing, Lizbeth releasing my hand and leaning on her elbows on top of the banister.

I buried my face in my hands, "I'm sorry." I muttered, the words slipping between my fingertips, as bile rose in the back of my throat. I felt awful, guilty, and ashamed.

"Can you tell us, what happened in there?" Zhen's voice was the low comforting hum it always was, as he appeared unfazed. Composed in the face of adversity, like always. I met his eyes.

"You wouldn't believe me even if I tried." I didn't sound sad or guilty, and with that statement I knew what had to be done. I cleared my throat, "To be honest Zhen, I did something tonight I shouldn't have. And it... It made me realize that I am not well right now. My mind has been racing for weeks now, and it's all I can do to s-stay together at the moment. And, I-I think I am my own worst enemy, and I am kicking my own ass."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Faron raise his head and look in my direction. I sighed, and felt Lizbeth pat my shoulder. "I don't know who I am, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. So, to have all of you care so much for me, it makes it so much harder. I wish you would hate me instead. I wish that you would look at me with disgust, or tell me you wish I'd rot. It'd be so much easier." I felt a tear fall, and quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand.

"We would never hate you. To even say that... to suggest we could ever hate you... is crazy." Faron's voice was tight, shocking me with his sudden words. I turned my head quickly, watching him. His face was cast down. "The one thing Zhen and I can agree on, is you." My mouth parted, my lips rounding in surprise. What is he saying?

"You're magnetic. You have an outflow of energy that makes people want to be around you. You're like your father in that sense; you're beyond charismatic." Lizbeth said, her voice floating down like silk from above me, her warmth in her voice relaying her sincerity. But - charismatic?

"You are so much more than you see. Even if you cannot see it, we can. We always will." Zhen was calm, his voice was so sure it made me turn to him. His eyes weren't soft and serene like his voice had been. The gold was deep, hardened, focused; focused on me, on my face and the small quiver forming on my lip. "Do not cry, again. This is something you need to hear."

Lizbeth's hand found my arm, her fingers tight, "You have to know that people care; we care." Her voice was gentle, but a pleading edge hung to her words. I took a shaky breath, feeling overwhelmed. They all have something to say, but what... what does it mean?

"Danny, you're amazing. And that fact that you're so blind to your own greatness," Faron's voice was hard, as he stepped towards me, "It makes my skin crawl, it makes my blood boil. Danny, you drive me crazy." The room was suddenly alive, the dense electric energy filling me and raising goose bumps on my arms. I watched Faron's face, as he took deep breathes. Sighing angrily, he rubbed the back of his neck. "I can't do this anymore." His voice was tight, so many emotions trying to rush through, that my heart leapt at his words.

He turned on his heel and headed for the door. "Wait, Faron!" I stood up quickly, reaching out to go after him. A heavy hand on my arm stopped me, as the door slammed shut.

I turned to see Zhen's hand on my arm, his face contemplative as he stared out into the night, after Faron. "You better let him be. He needs time to think, Danielle."

"But I need to tell him.. I-I have to explain." My voice was frantic. What if he doesn't know, what if he'll never know? The way he makes me feel... like I'm everything, like I'm perfect. He has to know, he just has to...

"It's fine, Danny, I got it. I'll go after him." Lizbeth came down the steps, her shoulders squaring in purpose as she took long steps towards the door. She stopped, her hand on the handle as she smiled over her shoulder to me, "I'll bring him back, I swear." The door closed behind her.

I was suddenly aware of the emptiness in the room. I felt cold, my body feeling drained. I was hyper aware of Zhen behind me, his hand still on my arm. I took a deep breathe, trying to fill something deep down. I looked at Zhen, "You know I'm sorry, right? You have to know."

"It's okay, Danielle. I know that, but you do not have to be sorry." His hand lightened up as it fell to his side, a small smirk forming in the corner of his lip.

I took a few steps back to the stairs, collapsing down on a step and hiding my face in my knees. "You must be so pissed off with me."

"To be truthful with you, Danielle. I have no idea what you did, but I know it had something to do with Faron." He sat down gently beside me, stretching his legs out and leaning back casually.

"I'm so sorry, I feel like shit." I groaned, shaking my head and covering myself with my arms.

"It's not worth it, Danielle. I am not angry with you." He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, "In fact, I don't even want to know!"

"What?" Disbelief took over me, as I raised my head, staring at him.

"I'm serious, Danielle. Whatever it is, it's not important to me. The only important thing to me is you. That is all I care about." Zhen gave my shoulder a slight squeeze.

"That's not fair to you! I-I mean, you need to know!" I was shocked, "It might change how you feel about me."

Zhen laughed, making me jump at the suddenness of it. It was sweet, and melodic. It was warm as it danced around my ears, filling me up and making me feel surrounded. I think that's the first real time I've heard him laugh. He stifled his laugh and smirked at me, "No matter what, Danielle, you can never change how I feel about you."

Fuck. My heart was in my throat, both happiness and guilt filling me. Guilt for not only being happy that he cares for me so much, but guilt that I like it. I cast my eyes down, "Zhen?"

"Yes, Danielle?" His voice was full and rich, not a trace of anger towards me, or towards what had happened.

I kept my face down, my eyes tracing the lines in the hardwood floor. "How do you feel about me?" I felt my cheeks get warm, as the words slipped out.

I felt his body tense, but not in nervousness or anxiety, but something lighter. I looked up quickly, to try and catch his face. He had his hand over his mouth, his eyes up to the ceiling and his face full of amusement. He was trying not to laugh.

"What is so funny?" I asked, now looking down because I was nervous. Am I that laughable?
"The only funny thing," He said, fighting to get the words out without laughing, "Is that you even have to ask!"

"What?" I asked incredulously, looking to his eyes. He took several deep breaths to calm himself, then met my eyes, a large smirk dangling from his lips.

"I like you Danielle. Like-like you." He smiled, "Like a little kid with a crush."

"You're kidding me, right?" I asked, running a hand over my mouth, hiding my little smile. Wow. Why am I so happy?

"Not a chance!" He smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist. "I think you are beautiful, and intelligent. Not to mention a damn good person. I am rather hypnotized by you, Danielle."

I didn't know what to say, I was so filled with shock and giddiness that words evaded me. I just looked up at him, his warm honey eyes tracing my face. He leant in close to me, his eyes on mine, our faces inches apart. I sighed, "I think..." I looked at his sweet eyes, "I think I like-like you, too." What is wrong with me?

He smiled, "Good." He breathed, his face closing in on mine, his mouth brushing my lips. Then he kissed me.

It was soft and gentle. His lips moving with perfect pressure and skill. He knew what he was doing, but he wasn't forceful. His hand held onto the small of my back, the other cupping my face. He smelt like wood and musk, like earth and metal. He filled the space around me, warm and inviting. He pulled his face back, looking deep into my eyes. I smiled, watching his supple lips curve into his signature smirk as he pressed his lips back into mine tenderly. I could feel him smiling into the kiss, as his lips caressed mine.

Suddenly, the front door slammed open. Our faces shot apart, Zhen sitting up tall and composed as we turned towards the entrance. Faron stood there, his eyes burning, as he stared at the two of us. Oh my God. What've I done? He looked down angrily, his fists clenching into hard knots by his side. He stood there for a moment, the air growing thick. The energy was sharp, I could feel the prickle against my skin. Faron's eyes raised, as he slowly took a few steps towards us, stopping in front of us. He cleared his throat, looking straight past me, refusing to make eye contact, "Excuse me." His voice was dead, nothing there.

I clambered up, moving off the stairs and backing into the far wall. I watched as he made his way up the stairs, pausing and turning his head slightly. It was almost as if he was about to turn to us, but he froze and kept walking. I stared after him, his shadowing chasing him up the steps and down the hallway. I cringed, as his bedroom door slammed.

It was silent, sickeningly silent. Zhen made a small noise, "I'm sorry, Danielle."

I was immediately brought back. I smiled gently at him, "It's alright. We didn't do anything wrong. We are dating, remember?"

"Yes, I do suppose so." Zhen smirked, as he took a few steps towards me. He paused, his body a respectful distance away, but close enough that if I wanted to grab him I could. He looked down at my face, "I think we should rain check on tonight, you need to rest."

"But, we were-" I was interrupted by Zhen.

"Shh, It's alright." He smiled, brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear, and resting his hand on my cheek. I lifted my own hand and placed it over his. He leaned closer, giving me a gentle peck on the lips, "Goodnight, Danielle. Please sleep well."

"N-Night." I whispered, my emotions running through me like a freight train. He smiled, as he turned and left.

I sighed heavily, touching my fingers to my cheek as I slowly went towards the stairs and rose up. My head was swimming, as I pulled open my bedroom door. I went into an automatic mode, pulling out a pair of shorts and a matching sweatshirt, before changing and climbing into my bed. I snuggled close under my blankets, my thoughts devouring me.

What are you doing, Danielle? Do you suddenly like both boys? Your kiss with Faron was passionate, nothing but emotion and spark. But with Zhen, it was gentle and soft. They were opposites. I sighed, closing my eyes. They're opposites, for sure. Not just in kisses but in personality. Where Faron is hot as fire and full of strength, Zhen is sweet honey and as supporting as it gets. But, they did both agree on one thing... me. What does that mean? Danielle... are you falling for both boys?

I can't be. You can't love to people at once... can you?