Not Afraid to Die

"Make two bottles for Armand and Novella while you're up," Neon called.

"Sure," Lestat yelled back.

"Thank you."

Lolita studied the babies seated in Neon and Alex's laps. These were the twins she had heard so much about. Though they looked identical, she could tell the difference between the two. It was their eyes. Not the shape or color, but the look in them. Armand was seated in Alex's arms, devilish glint in his eyes. He was the trouble maker. Novella, on the other hand, sat quite placid in her mother's arms, innocence radiating from her.

"How old are they?" Lolita asked.

"Eleven months," Neon replied, smiling proudly.

"They're absolutely adorable."

"Thank you," Neon turned her attention to the child in her lap, continuing in a baby voice, "Did you hear that, Novella? Say 'thank you.'"

"'ank you," Novella chirped, hoping in Neon's lap.

Not wanting to be upstaged by his sister, Armand gurgled an "'ank you."

"Now say 'Jazz,'" the keyboardist snuggled against Zack Merrick instructed.

Something about Jazz was different, but Lolita couldn't put her finger on it. It wasn't her hair or her make up. She was wearing sweatpants and a tee-shirt, but that wasn't it. Something was detrimentally different, and Lolita couldn't figure out what.

"Jazz," the babies exclaimed in unison, wiggling excitedly in their parent's laps.

"'Jazz' was their first word," Neon explained.

"Because I'm awesome," Jazz stated, "Right, Beatrice?"

"Whatever you say, Elvis," Zack responded.

Beatrice and Elvis? Lolita missed something. But she wouldn't question it. Couples had inside jokes, and she wouldn't try to delve into Jazz and Zack's relationship. Even though she never had and never would have a romantic relationship, she knew not to pry.

Having a relationship was too dangerous for Lolita. Intimacy could cause her to give her loved one the disease that was slowly taking her life. A tear in a condom, an open wound in either of their mouths, getting caught up in the heat of the moment and not taking precautions. Those were the normal fears.

But she was afraid of death claiming her after she found the one person she could love so fully. HIV, AIDS, or another illness attacking her weakened immune system would kill her. She was okay with that, but she wasn't okay with a relationship ending because of that. A relationship would only make having the disease harder on her because then she wouldn't be okay with death anymore.

No suitors were banging down her door. She had nothing to worry about.

Lolita happily watched the couples and band members in the room converse. A microwave buzzed and dining ware clattered in the kitchen, adding to the homey appeal of the alleged meeting. The Christmas tree next to the television glittered with decoration. Neon's house was filled with more life than she had seen in the past.

Her moss green eyes landed on Rian, who was seated on the couch to her left. The adorable drummer of All Time Low was the only one who didn't seem to be filled with the same excited spirit as everyone else in the room. A deep frown was set on his face, eyes staring vacantly at the phone in his lap.

Rian didn't look that sad in the posters nearly replacing the floral wallpaper adorning Lolita's room.

Without hesitation, Lolita leaned over the arm of her couch and tapped Rian's elbow. He snapped his head to face her, distracted from his phone. Thrown off by the concerned moss green eyes, he simply stared at her, awaiting a reason for the tap.

"Are you okay?" Lolita asked.

"I'm fine," Rian answered.

"Are you sure? Because you look kind of sad."

"Just having a bad day."

"Oh my gosh, me too. I had a Calculus final this morning. In the middle of it, my head started hurting and I started vomiting really bad, so I had to go the hospital. I think math was the cause of that mess though. Then, the doctor puts me on a new pill treatment that has more pills. And Lestat drank my root beer that I worked hard to get. Today sucks."

An uncontrollable smile spread on Rian's face. He wasn't in the mood to smile. He really wasn't. But Lolita's rambling had the corners of his lips pulled upward. She was cute and energetic. Had Dante not said anything, he wouldn't have known she was sick.

"So," Lolita started, "Why is your day bad?"

Rian's smile immediately dropped, recalling the event that took place in the morning. He was still hoping it was some misunderstanding or joke.

"Its nothing as bad as what you went through," Rian said.

"Well, you look sadder than I do."

"Do you ever really get sad?"

"Sometimes. But then I remember that my life's too short to be sad."

"Just because your life's short doesn't mean you can't be sad."

Lolita lifted her shoulders for a dainty shrug, "I don't want to be sad. That's a waste of time. I could be doing more productive things, like skydiving. Well, not skydiving. Daddy won't let me skydive. But I could be doing things that aren't as negative as being sad."

"Don't you want the full experience of life?"

"No. I want life the way I want it. That does not include sadness or anger," Lolita paused, "It doesn't include math either, but daddy insists I learn math."

"It's healthy to be sad from time to time."

"Maybe for you, but not for me," Lolita stated, "So why are you sad?"

"You're not going to stop are you?"

"Nope. Because it's not healthy to keep things bottled up," Lolita said, using Rian's previous logic, "If that's not enough reasoning for you, I'll pout. That always works."

Rian sighed, "My girlfriend broke up with me this morning."

Dante, who had walked back into the room, cut in, "Kara broke up with you?"

Lolita grabbed the glass of milk from his hand before he could place it on the table and took a sip from the twisted kiddy straw. Dante's question drew everyone's attention to Rian. The drummer's statement hadn't been quite as loud as her brother's. She didn't think he wanted anyone to hear.

"Yeah," Rian mumbled.

"Why?" Dante asked.

"She found someone else she likes. A male model. She wants to try things out with him."

"Was she cheating on you?" Zack asked.

"No, she's just been talking to him. They did a shoot together, and he's sensitive, cute, and wants to help the environment."

"That guy's probably gay," Joseph stated.

"If Annabelle ever pulled that, I'd go back to drinking," Lestat stated.

"You touch any alcohol, and I'm drowning you in the tub," Dante returned.

"Rian, don't let her get you down," Neon said, "You're a great guy. And she's an idiot for ending the relationship. You deserve better, and I'm sure you'll find someone who won't hurt you."

Lolita noted that Neon was the first person of the group to give him actual advice.

"Neon's right," Jack added, "There are plenty of other women out there. Kara just wasn't the right one for you."

"Know what you should do?" Lolita asked.

Oh yeah, she was about to give advice. And it would probably be terrible considering she had never been in that type of situation. But she would try. When it came to being positive, she was a pro.

"What should I do?" Rian asked.

Dante quirked an eyebrow. Lolita was going to give breakup advice? Her relationship tally was nonexistent, her breakup tally matching. She was the least likely candidate in the room to give useful advice.

On the other hand, she had gotten good at looking at the positives of life. Despite her illness, she always found something to be happy about. Maybe her advice would be decent.

"You should do something you like doing. Go out, watch a movie, anything. Just to forget for a little while, a week or so. When you're feeling less emotional about the situation, evaluate it. And if you find it hard not to be sad, look at it from an outsider's perspective. You'll see you're better off without her. I mean, you may not feel better after that but at least you'll accept it and you'll be able to move on," Lolita said.

She hoped that would help. It helped her when dealing with her HIV. Looking at her situation proved that things could be worse. She could have an abusive family. She could not have a home. She could be dead. She could have cancer, which seemed worse than HIV to her.

That might have just been her opinion but it helped her.

"Well, look at you being all grown up," Dante remarked.

"Does that mean I get a new root beer?"

"No."

Before she could reply, Rian rested his hand on her wrist. Lolita turned her head to look at him.

"Thanks," Rian smiled.

And that smile made Lolita's breath catch in her throat.