When I Look at the Stars, I Feel Like Myself

I threw another bag into the compartments of the bus, I wasn't allowed to handle any of the actual equipment since the time I broke a drum head and the neck of my bass. Hey, it was heavy and they shifted during the trip. It was my bass anyway, I had to pay to fix it, and the drum head...those things are only, what? Twenty bucks?

“Hey, Riles,” Dalton skipped up, a huge smile on his face. “We're about to leave for tour with All Time Low and The Maine!” He pointed out to me. I rolled my eyes.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious, I would be totally lost without you.” I told him sarcastically.

“I'm glad I could be of assistance, Sergeant Sarcastic.” He bowed lowly. We all went into the bus and waited for it to start moving. With the roar of the engine, my heart rate increased. As it started rolling, I felt myself start to get anxious.

“WE'RE ON TOURRRRR!” Calvin yelled, and a smack resounded. I turned my head, trying to see what had happened. Calvin held his face, a prominent pout gracing his features, and Dalton stood next to him, looking proud of himself.

“Why you gotta be like that?” I put in before anyone else said anything.

“He was being loud...” Dalton shrugged, his face turning into perfect innocence. He was far from it.

“You know what, Dalton. You suck.” Calvin glared. I rolled my eyes. Here we go again. It wasn't even before a show yet. I guess this whole thing was pretty nerve wrecking and that's what had them both in such grouchy moods.

“Aw, you know you love me, just admit it.” Dalton replied cheekily. After that, I blocked them out, instead opting to start chatting with Elina, Holland, and RJ.

“You know what's really suckish about this whole thing?” I started, looking around me. They all gave me a questioning look, asking what could possibly be wrong with this. “We don't have any peach rings.” I said simply, shrugging. Smiles broke out on their faces.

“Yeah, it really does. I say next time we stop, we go to Wal-Mart or something for junk food.” Elina states. Holland offers up some foods we could buy and RJ makes a list.

“YOU TOTALLY CHEATED!” Ross shouted from the back, and we all rushed to explore what was going on. Ross hardly ever raised his voice. We stared at the scene before us, all of us expected him to be talking to his girlfriend or something, but no. He was sitting at a small table with Calvin...playing checkers.

“How do you even cheat at checkers?” Calvin interjected, throwing his arms out wide.

“I don't know, but you did. You did!” Ross pointed, glaring at Calvin.

“Chillax, bro,” Dalton says in his signature laid-back tone. “He only got one of your checkers, and if you get to his side, you get it back in a King.”

“I'll King you.” Ross grumbled, going on to his next move. We all blinked at the three men in front of us. Strange, I didn't know anyone in this band played Checkers...We all moved into the back room now, watching at the intense battle went on. I think I even held my breath for a few moves.

“KING ME!” Ross hollered, jumping up from his chair. “And give me back my freaking checker!”

These boys....I swear.

When we stopped to gas up, Holland, RJ, and I all rushed out the bus. “I've got the peach rings!” I shouted, almost running into Jack as he potty danced at the door to the restroom.

“Don't push me, I've got a full bladder! Alex hurry up or I'll pee on you while you sleep!” He cried, desperate. I chuckled a little, going on to the gummy section of the store. Scanning over the selection, my eyes widened. “Holy crap, guys!” I yelled, pointing at the multi-colored package. “Sour 's'ghetti!” I said obnoxiously as RJ came up behind me.

“That might just be the most amazing thing I've ever seen before in my life.” He rushed out, grabbing a pack.

“It might be, it might be.” Holland nodded beside him.

I grabbed two bags and three bags of peach rings and a couple two liters of Dr. Pepper. “Okay, I'm ready...what do you guys want?” I blinked at them, hoping I came off as serious. Which I totally wasn't.

“FINALLY!” We all heard Jack yell, and a door shut. Alex let out a swear, and walked by rubbing his shoulder.

“The little turd pushed me!” He exclaimed, going back out to the buses with a scowl.

….

I sighed, staring at myself in the mirror of the bus, blowing the bangs from my face. No one could tell on the outside. But, all I saw in the mirror was a broken girl staring back at me. A girl who was going through the same terror she had thought she gotten rid of four years ago.

All the rest of them could see was a blond, tan, skinny girl who had never had any troubles. Truth is, I have never fully gotten over it. There was always that fear that it would return, and that fear had come true. I slid on the hoodie I had, fixing my hair again.

Every time I thought of it, I pictured the looks on my family's faces, their sadness and terror. I didn't want to have them go through with that again, because when it comes back, there's less chance of survival, especially since last time I had gotten all the way to Stage IV.

In Stage IV, the cancer moves to other places in the body, the most extreme it can go is the brain. They didn't catch it because I was so young, they didn't have to look out for it like they do in older women. I was thirteen, and I was lucky the tumor was in the base of my neck, not my brain or other vital organ. They said, even if it was just two inches up from where it was, I wouldn't have lived.

They said it was a miracle I had even survived the first time. That I was strong, I was a fighter. I was thirteen, I didn't know how to do anything but fight. I didn't want my mother to be sad, because if I was gone she would lose her only daughter, be surrounded by her four sons and my father, but still so alone.

Not to mention the Systematic therapy was terrible. Intravenous chemotherapy was what they suggested, to shrink the tumor in my breast, and the one on the neck had to be removed surgically. It made my hair fall out, I was tired all the time, I lost about 20 pounds that I couldn't seem to gain back, and I got weird mouth sores. But it worked, and soon enough the tumor had altogether disappeared.

It didn't last the whole time, the side effects, but for the first few months, I could barely leave the house. I had to be home schooled, and the insensitive preps started spreading rumors about me. Saying that I didn't really have cancer and that I was just depressive and tried to kill myself.

That is, until I came to school without any hair. I had to wear a beanie, because I didn't want anyone to see, and I didn't want to wear a wig. I was thirteen and lost in a world of treatments, doctors appointments, and being alienated from my friends. Instead of being there for me, they all turned their backs. Every time my friends called to hang out with me and see a movie, I had an appointment. They eventually stopped calling altogether.

I didn't go to school again until two years ago when they were sure it wasn't coming back and I had stopped going to those stupid check-ups. I hated them, they only pushed my friends away.

Even when I started going to school again, I begged my parents to just let me stay home, get me another tutor to teach me instead. I didn't want to go back to that place. My pleading eventually got to them and we moved to Phoenix, Arizona, from Tuscon where we had been living.

At 16, most teenagers would absolutely loathe the idea of moving to a different town, even a different high school. But, I was excited. No one would know about my cancer, I didn't have to be ashamed, I could live a normal life.

That's all I wanted, for as long as I had lived with the diagnosis, I had just wanted to be treated normal again. I didn't want to be pushed away like I had been. The most terrible time in my life was made worse by the loss of my best friends. Not one of them stayed.

“Hurry up, Rils! I have to pee!” Elina whined from the other side of the door, “How long does it take you to get ready anyway?”

I took one last look at myself, plastering on that fake smile I wore so well, and opened the door. “You know, I can't deny my sexiness.” I boasted, not really believing myself to be sexy. Not with this curse upon my head. She rolled her eyes and brushed passed me, believing my fake smile.

Not that she had known any other smile but that one. I retreated to my bunk to ponder some more on my situation.

If I told, there was a chance I would get rejected. I couldn't handle that again, not when I was finally starting to feel at home.

I walked as confidently as I could through the halls of the new school, fearing that they already knew about me, that they already felt sorry. That's when I clumsily bumped into Elina. She looked mad, and directed her anger towards me.

It had been so long since someone raised their voice to me, I welcomed it, as weird as that sounds since I didn't even know why she was so mad. “Well? Get out of my way, retard.” She must have been knocked off balance mentally when I decided to, instead of getting out of her way, hug her.

She treated me normal. She wasn't cautious, she just...was.

“Okay, weirdo, what's going on?” She said softer than she had before, wondering why I had just hugged her when she berated me.

I immediately released her, realizing my social error. And we've been friends ever since.

That was another thing, Elina was already having a hard time with her sister's suicide, that I couldn't tell them at all. I mean, I had just joined the band about a year ago, when they finally asked me to join even though I had been playing bass since I was thirteen. It was a result of having nothing else to do at home and a graduated brother who played bass in his band.

All my brother's had graduated by the time we decided to move, I was the youngest in the family, and only two of them left with us, the other two preoccupied with college. I remember the jealous look my brother got in his eyes when he found out we had been picked up to play a U.S. Tour. Especially since it was with The Maine and All Time Low, probably in his top favorite bands of all time list.

I told him he could tag along as a techie, but he said he was too old to hang around all the time since everyone else we were bringing weren't even old enough to drink besides Ross, but they had never gotten along. He wasn't that much older, only 26.

I missed them, to say the least. Sure, going through the cancer had been hard, but it reunited my family. We had been falling apart ever since dad had lost his job back then and mom had to go back to work, even picking up a second job while dad couldn't find anything.

My cancer was a blessing to the family in it's own way. A family who fights cancer together, stays together. When I had no one at school, my family was there.

Even though I loved my family, I just wanted to get out of that place. I wasn't happy, I hadn't been happy in a while. They may have tried to make me happy, but they always kept watch over me, as if looking for a neon 'the cancer is back' sign to pop up above my head.

If they knew, they would never have let me step foot out of the house, but still I wanted someone here with me to help me through it, even if they didn't know....

I just didn't know what I wanted anymore.

“Hey, you ready?” Holland knocked on the wood outside the curtain of my bunk. I rolled over and pulled the curtain back after wiping a few stray tears off of my face. I nodded, silently getting out of the bunk and following her back to the venue.

As I walked, I put my hand on the long, pink scar at the base of my neck from the first surgery where they removed the tumor. Though I couldn't see it, it was always a reminder that things were going to get worse, and I couldn't tell anyone about it because it would ruin their dreams of being in a band and making music for crowds of people. Of getting out of Arizona for real, not just temporarily.

It's true, they could just get another bassist, but they wouldn't do that. We were a family in a sense, and you can't just replace your family. I wouldn't mind if they did, but they would never even think of it. That's why I loved them all and didn't want to let them down.

Stepping up to hook up my bass and check it, I looked at the crowd that had formed. It was packed. Even though they weren't here for us, it was still encouraging. I smiled faintly, letting the only happiness I feel anymore to flow through my veins. I was only truly happy when I was on stage, playing my bass to the crowd. I sighed, going side stage and waiting for my cue to go on.

“Hey, Riley.” I heard the familiar voice of John O'Callaghan behind me.

“Hey, John.” I said, feeling the butterflies flutter around in my stomach. He always gave them to me, even if I denied them like I tried to deny every other emotion I felt.

“You doing okay?” He always asked me this, and seriously, too. It was like he sensed I was hiding something, but wanted me to come out and say it instead of nagging me about it. Or, perhaps I was just paranoid because no guy had ever looked at me like he did.

I nodded, putting on the same fake smile that sometimes I wondered if he saw through, “Never better.” For a brief moment, I felt bad for lying to him so outright, though the feeling quickly passed as I reminded myself I had been lying to everyone around me for close to three months about the question, and I never felt guilty about doing it to them. Why should John be any different? “Just a little nervous.” I said to the dubious look he gave me.

“Don't worry, you'll do great!” He said enthusiastically. This is where it got hard, keeping up this facade just to make it seem like I wasn't internally battling with myself.

“I wish I was as confident in our abilities are you are.” I smiled to him, looking again at the crowd. Normally, I wouldn't keep looking out because of my nerves, but it was just so massive I couldn't believe it. It was our first show on this tour, and really, I was not ready for this. Not one bit. I loved playing, but I had only had to play to crowds of no more than 50, not 500 million.

Okay, there really weren't that many, but still, there were a lot of fans out there. Waiting for The Maine and All Time Low. Not us, and they would probably be texting their other friends not present on how much we sucked. How much they wished we would be done so The Maine could come on. I have confidence issues, I sighed.

“Well, they'll come in time, sweetheart.” He chuckled, throwing an arm over my shoulder. My heartbeat sped up, and I told myself it was only because I hated being touched. Especially by strangers. To save me from having to rudely brush him off, Calvin flew past me onstage, telling me that it was our time to go on.

He introduced us to the crowd, I fiddled with my bass, and Elina started the intro to our opener. It had a wicked bass line, and that's all I cared about. I didn't have to sing, I didn't have to drum, I didn't have to pound on keys, and I didn't have to strum, all I had to do was pick. It was probably my favorite thing in the world. Strike that, it definitely is.

I felt a smile creeping on my face, until it was so big my cheeks hurt. When I finally brought myself to look at the crowd, most were still, which I had expected, but there were a few towards the front who were completely rocking out. Whether it was from the adrenaline that came from the bass drum's reverb or if they actually liked what they were hearing from us, it stroked my ego.

Not that I had a big ego or anything, but it was nice to see people having fun to music we, as a band, had put together. Music that we had poured our hearts into. For a second, I almost wished I played with picks so that I could throw one at the crowd. As the song finished, Calvin let out a scream.

“You guys are so amazing, you know that?” He points to the few girls who had been dancing earlier, and now they were screaming. Inadvertently, I winced at the high pitched noise, but I caught myself. “So, in hopes that you dance some more, this is next song is dedicated to you.”

I shook my head, stepping up to the mic I had been given, though I don't sing, “Stop trying to get laid, Cal, those girls wouldn't give you the time of day.” I laughed, teasing. Usually, I didn't talk much but being onstage made my mouth loosen.

“I would!” One of the girls yelled.

I pointed towards them, “Stop making me look like a liar!” I laughed.

“Whatever, Blondie, you're just jealous of my hot bod.” Calvin laughed, “Anyway, this is our next song.” He said, and Holland jumped in with the guitar riff.

Soon enough, we were done and walking offstage. Dalton and Calvin, like always, were being buds again after an argument beforehand, Elina was looking a little shaken, and Holland hopped off to the bathroom as per usual. It was like a ritual for her. Maybe I should come up with one of those...

I was distracted by Dalton appearing in front of me, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” He chanted hyper actively. It must have been the Jones soda he had earlier. How did he keep getting those things? Instead of asking, I raised an eyebrow, my most common way of saying 'what?'. Dalton took a deep breath before continuing, “We just played our first show on tour with The Maine and All Time Low!” He said it so fast it all ran together as one word.

“So I've noticed.” I gave him a crooked smile before moving past him.

“I know you don't like the whole touchy-feely crap, Riles, but I feel like this occasion deserves a hug...what do you say?” He asked, subjecting me to his puppy dog eyes, arms held wide. I bit my lip, debating. He could find out, possibly, feel it.

It wasn't that big, only about a centimeter, but he tended to squeeze real tight. Not to mention, after the first surgery, I didn't really like anyone touching around my breast, and eventually my whole body. Indeed, this occasion called for a hug though.

I stepped into the circle of his arms and he squeezed me tight, not seeming to notice anything. I hugged him tightly back, and soon I felt more arms around me. “Group hug!” I heard Ross comment, somewhere in the mass of bodies.

Pretty soon, I was getting uncomfortable. Every moment pressed against Dalton was another moment he could realize. I counted myself lucky that he was gay and didn't care about my boobs rubbing on his chest, and wouldn't dwell on the feeling. “Guys...” I said, my voice in barely a whisper, “I need out.”

The urgency in my voice must have gotten my point across, because they all released me and let me out. I shook myself off, and met eyes with Alex Gaskarth. He waved a little, smiling big, and I gave him a frightened look.

“Don't mind him, he just got a mushy text from Sierra.” Jack said, coming up to me, I could see his huge nose from the corner of my eye.

“Sierra?” I asked, eyebrow raised. “Girlfriend?”

“His one and only love. They're gonna get married and have a million babies...all for me to pinch their cheeks and call me uncle and one day I'll probably kidnap them.” Jack ranted, forcing his hyper onto me, but I didn't really mind. I was used to blocking that kind of thing out. I twirled my hair, thinking of other things, but then felt an arm around me.

I jumped away, and Jack looked at me, shocked and a little confused. “I...Sorry, I don't like...contact...” He pouted at me, “And that face won't change it, sorry.” I told him straight out. Holland walked back towards me and I waved.

“HI HOLLI!!!” Jack yelled, close to my ear. Even though I was just onstage, I had in ear protection, and his voice probably just shattered my eardrum. Holland turned her head to the side, waving a little anyway and offering up a greeting.

And he left me alone to go pay attention to her. I sighed, content, and moved back towards the green room. I needed some quiet time. I sat on the couch, ear buds in and music blocking out the rest of the world. I shut my eyes, swaying to the music and playing an imaginary bass. I was almost expert at playing by ear.

I guess I had an after-show ritual after all. Smiling, I was drifting off farther and farther from reality. Here, I wasn't dealing with Breast Cancer, I wasn't battling with the option of telling my best friends, there wasn't any war, no hate, there was only peace. Peace and freedom.

That is how music made me feel.

The end of the couch sank in, which resulted in my opening one eye to look at whoever had sat down. Dalton, seeming to be suffering from a sugar crash, was spread out over the other side of the couch. I rolled my eyes at him, and another head popped into the room.

“Hey, Riles, The Maine is about ready to go on.” Elina said, looking at Dalton. “I guess it's no use getting him up, eh?” She asked, eyes scanning over the drummer. He was out cold, drool already leaking from the side of his mouth, snoring lightly.

“Nope, he's crashed.” I smiled, taking off my hoodie and placing it over his torso. It didn't cover a lot, but it was enough to keep him warm in this chilly room.

I didn't like wearing low cut tops, my most hated tank tops, but that's what was under my hoodie. I felt bare, but so far it was only Elina. Plus, I didn't want Dalton to get sick. They say you can't get sick just from being cold, but I knew anything was possible.

Like a thirteen year old getting breast cancer.

I trailed behind Elina to the side of the stage. John and the rest of the Maine were already onstage, playing their first song. I swayed to the music.

A couple songs into it, they started playing 'Into Your Arms'. It wasn't originally in their set list, and I had made a comment before about it not being on there.

They took my hint, and they put it in their set. It was sweet. Elina sang along, I liked her voice even though she had no confidence in it. She would've been our lead singer and not Calvin if she was confident. I didn't sing, I hated my voice. But, I guess that's how Elina felt. Though she would sing if someone asked her to.

Though it was hot in the venue, I shivered lightly as my hair brushed against my bare shoulders. It was strange and it tickled. I didn't want to lose it again. I love my hair.

John made eye contact with me and smiled, I felt heat rush to my cheeks. I looked away to the crowd, noticing how they picked up from when we had played. I didn't take it personal, there had been plenty of concerts I had been to where I didn't jump around for the openers. I guess this was payback.