Cold as Ice

I'd always liked being alone.

It was a sort of comfortable feeling; the silence, and the ability to say or do anything without being questioned. I had always been content just sitting in my room with my guitar and ignoring the rest of the world. And it wasn't just being alone physically - it was emotionally, too. I'm talking about the L word. You know... love? That stupid thing that everybody wants in life? No thanks. Not me.

Sure, I love food, I love music, I love my parents - and I love girls. But never in my life had I ever loved just one in particular. Never had I been in love. To me, love was some completely ridiculous disease that seeps into a person's brain and turns them into a stupid, vulnerable idiot. So, I had always preferred being single. It was much easier, and a lot more fun.

But it wasn't until just recently that I'd discovered something that was shocking, and rather irritating.

Being alone was kind of shitty.

The realization had first come to me when I had walked into my house after school, the day after Cayden and his gang of apes had tried to take me down. I had walked into my kitchen and showed off my stitches to my father as he was leaving for work, and then went upstairs to my room to try and get some sleep. I had been lying there for what felt like forever, but had only been an hour. I had thought about the night before, when Avery'd had her soft little hands buried in my hair, and the warm, drowsy feeling it had given me... and that's when I'd realized that I'd rather not be alone.

And now, I was stuck on the couch, my eyes fixed on my television, though I wasn't really paying attention to what was on, alone. My parents were gone on a small vacation to a little hotel-and-casino in a town a few hours away, and I hadn't heard from Ash all day. I sighed, and rubbed my temples. I had the worst headache ever recorded in history, and no painkillers to take. "Fuck my life..." I groaned, and frustratedly threw the remote onto the floor.

I stared up at the ceiling, drumming my fingers over my bare stomach. There was a painful bruise that I kept hitting with every tap of my fingers, but I didn't care. I hoped it would take my mind off of the pain in my head. I raked my fingers through my hair and pulled hard, hoping it would relieve some pressure. It made my head hurt even worse.

Tired, frustrated, and now starting to get a little pissed off, I stood up and went upstairs to the bathroom, deciding that maybe a shower would make me feel better.

My back arched as the hot water hit my skin. I stood there, letting it trickle down my body, burning every inch of my skin until I was completely numb. I breathed in the steam, sighing contentedly as my headache gradually shrank into nonexistence. My pain was gone... but I was still alone.

I pressed my forehead against the tiled wall and closed my eyes. Instantly, her face popped into my mind. Her intense grey eyes, her cute little nose, and her baby-soft light pink lips - turned up slightly in that smile she had when she was trying to stay mad at me. The memory of how those lips felt against mine made all of my muscles tense. I'd kissed Avery twice. And I wanted to do it again.

But it was all so terribly wrong and confusing.

Avery and I had been enemies since we were kids. We'd pulled awful pranks on each other, beat each other up, and tormented each other every single day. I loved it - the intensity in her eyes when we'd engage in a wrestling match, or the fear and inferiority in them when I'd tower over her like a mac truck to a butterfly - it was like a strange addiction. Everything I'd say to her made her hate me more, which made me want to treat her worse.

Ever since the crash, things had changed for me. I remembered the day of the funeral like yesterday. My parents and I, Ash, Avery, and their dad, Denny, were all sitting in the front row of the little room inside of the funeral home, right in front of the casket. Everyone was crying. Everyone except Avery and I. I'd expected her to be bawling like a baby, but she just sat there and stared at nothing, like a broken doll. She was holding Ash's hand and stroking it gently with her thumb as the tears spilled down his cheeks. I looked at her, and she looked at me. Her eyes were completely dry - not a single tear welled. I put my arm around her shoulders and squeezed. She leaned into my side but didn't fully let me support her.

And I never thought about Avery Dawson the same way again.

Instead of seeing her as the annoying - and kind of cute - little sister of my best friend, I began to notice that she was strong and pretty. She was different from any other girl I'd ever met. She had ideas and morals and she knew how to work to reach her goals. She was independent, and smart, and now as she started to get a little older... unnervingly beautiful.

I respected her. Sure, I loved to get under her skin. Her reactions were the thing I thrived on. But since that one day at the funeral, that one moment she leaned into my arms, I decided that I didn't hate her. I never hated her. Of course, I didn't like her all that much, either.

Or at least I was pretty sure I didn't.

The water began to run cold, and I quickly shut it off. I stepped out of the shower and padded down the hallway and into my room, where I dried my hair and got dressed in a loose pair of jeans and a KISS shirt, and then went back downstairs.

I yelled loudly at the sight of someone sitting on my couch and backed up against the wall. "Who the hell are you?!"

"Relax!" The person shouted, giggling a familiar giggle. "I'm not here to kill you." It came toward me, and stepping out of the shadowy living room and into the light of the hallway, I saw it was Avery. Something from my lower abdomen gave me a strange jolt.

"Don't fucking do that." I breathed, my pulse skyrocketing. "You scared me."

"Sorry," She smiled. "I just came to bring you your Christmas present."

"This early? It's the twentieth, Kid." I said, as she suddenly turned around and went back to the living room.

"I know, but I just couldn't wait."

I walked into the room behind her and flopped down on the couch. "Where's the fruitcake?"

Avery laughed, as she bent over in front of the Christmas tree and began to pick up a large box. "My brother, you mean? He's with his new girlfriend, my best friend Jen."

I stared dotingly at her long legs and bit my lip, sighing. "So much for bros over hoes. My feelings are hurt."

"Jen isn't a ho. In fact, she's the farthest thing from a ho." She glared at me. "And you have feelings?"

I shook my head no. "I was being sarcastic."

She sat down beside me on the couch, with the big box on the floor in front of her. It was almost as tall as she was. "I bet you actually do have feelings. Deep down inside."

"Maybe in some parallel universe."

"No," Avery shifted her position, leaning against my side and poking a finger into my bicep. "Johnny, you might be all cocky and tough on the outside, but you and I both know that on the inside, you're gooey."

"Gooey?" I wrinkled my nose at her. "You couldn't think of a better word?"

"No, gooey seems to fit nicely." She laughed and pulled away, then pushed the box toward me. "Open it."

"It's too early." I said.

"No it's not." She pushed it toward me again.

"Fine, you've convinced me." I grabbed the box and tore the wrapping paper away from it. In the dim light from the television I saw a picture of a guitar on the box, and lay it down flat on the floor. I opened it, and nestled inside was a shiny black ESP Axxion. "Thank you..." I murmured, in awe, as I gently picked it up and ran my fingers over the fretboard.

"You're welcome." She said happily.

I put the guitar back in its box and shut the lid. "How the hell did you afford that?"

With a shrug, she smiled a kiddish grin. "It doesn't matter. You really like it?"

"I love it." I said. "Do I have to give you your present now?"

"You can if you want to."

I leaned over and plucked a small box from under the tree and threw it at Avery. "Merry Christmas, tyrant."

"Thanks, asshole." She smiled as she unwrapped it, and then her smile dropped. She stared down at the little black box, and then looked up at me. "What is this?"

"It's a box. You should open it." I told her.

"Don't be a jerk." Rolling her eyes, she opened the box, and then gasped. "Johnny, this is so pretty!" She gingerly took it out of the box and stared at the small, diamond, lily-shaped pendant that hung on a thin silver chain. "Will you put it on for me?"

I took it from her and clasped it around her neck. The pendant settled right between her collar bones and sparkled when the light hit it at the right angles.

"Thank you." She said, and pulled me into a hug.

I wrapped my arms around her. "You're welcome."

Leaning away, she smiled at me and looked down, a light pink blush creeping across her cheeks.

"How did you know that I was feeling lonely?" I asked, leaning back against the couch.

"I didn't." She said, and snuggled up under my arm. "I was feeling a bit lonely, too. And kind of confused."

"Why?"

Avery sighed, and looked up at me. "Dad met a girl."

"And that's confusing you?" I brushed a strand of hair back from her face.

"Yes. Because I can tell that he likes her." She pouted slightly. "And it's been hardly a year since Mom died... and... I just don't like it."

"Why don't you like it? Shouldn't your father be happy?"

"Yeah, but not so soon, Johnny." She blew her bangs out of her face. "That's actually why he stayed for the extra week. He stayed with her."

"Oh." I blinked, staring at the TV screen.

"And she's coming down here for New Year's Eve." Avery rubbed her eye. "Though Ash and I made it clear that we didn't want her to."

"So... you came here because you're upset."

"I needed to talk to somebody other than Bailey. You... were the first person who came to mind." Her voice wavered.

"Are you crying?" I asked. When she didn't answer me, I turned and looked at her. She covered her face with the sleeves of her black hoodie and was crying quietly into them. "Oh, Kid. Please don't cry. I've never seen you cry. I don't know how to handle it."

She dropped her hands into her lap and sobbed. Her mascara began to run in black streams down her cheeks. "I'm s-sorry, I jus-st miss my M-mom."

I sighed and pulled her onto my lap, cradling her like a baby. She leaned against me and cried until she hiccuped for breath. When she was finally calm, she began running her fingers through my hair and tracing the shell of my ear. I wanted to lean down and kiss her so badly it almost hurt, but I knew that it was wrong and I'd probably be getting in over my head.

"Are you okay now?" I murmured.

"I think so." She said, her nose stuffy from all the crying. "Thank you for letting me cry on you."

I laughed and brushed a single tear from her cheek. "Thank you for not getting your snot all over me."

"You're welcome."

We sat there and looked at each other for quite a while. It was weirdly comfortable, sitting there in the silence with her cradled in my arms, her head on my shoulder, and her fingers in my hair. I hated how I acted around her. She had some strange way of making me let down my guard, and an even stranger way of getting under my skin. I hated it, but I loved it. Where's the sense in that?

I sighed, resting my head against the back of the couch, ignoring the buzzing inside my mind, and let myself go. Tonight, after all the many nights of hardly getting any rest, I would sleep. It almost frustrated me that I had to have Avery next to me in order to do so, but I chose to ignore that fact and drown in the heavy, suffocating darkness of exhaustion.