Angel, Put Me Back Together Again

Angela's POV

Zack and I had returned from our little joy ride, this time being much more PG. While out driving, he did his best to explain the scene I had witnessed earlier in the kitchen.

There was a reason I hadn't seen his parents around yet. Their mother had just passed away, and their father had taken her back to her home state of Indiana to deliver her cremated ashes to her parents. Well, it was actually Zack and Matt's step mother. Their real mom separated their dad a few months after Matt was born. She didn't want either of the kids but managed to get away with half of their dad's earnings. Their stepmom was the one who had raised them for the most part, but over the past year she had been acting strange. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. This was about the time that Matt had started getting into drugs. He was in and out of jail all through high school and it only got worse after that. No one wanted to tell Matt it was due to his reckless behavior but when his mom was hospitalized with a massive panic attack, that's when it finally hit him.

Matt had cleaned up for the most part but relapsed just a few months before I arrived in California. His mother couldn't deal with the fact that she had "screwed up" and "couldn't figure out where she went wrong". They found her the next morning when her work had called asking why she hadn't come in. She had overdosed on her medications the night before and never woke up.

I sat stunned as he finished his story. This seemed like something you would watch on lifetime. I wasn't sure what to say. Sorry wouldn't cover a loss like that. I sputtered something unintelligible but he just placed his hand on my leg and shook his head.

"You don't have to say anything. I know it's confusing. I'm still... dealing with it I guess. I don't know, I guess it just hasn't really hit me till now..." He trailed off staring out into something I couldn't see. I couldn’t think of any words of wisdom but I needed to break the silence that was encasing us.

“I really am sorry. I had no idea he was like that. He seemed fine earlier …”

“He’s a good kid. What I said was wrong. I just wish he understood how much his decisions are tearing this family apart.” He flicked the keys still hanging in the ignition. Again we were back to silence. He made no attempt to get out of the car and I was starting to feel intrusive. I thought about Charleen back at my dorm, and as much as I didn’t want to deal with her bullshit after hearing all of this shocking news, I would put up with her to give him some time alone. I didn’t like the thought of leaving him when he seemed so upset, but this was also a very personal matter. Besides, if Matt had decided to come back, I’m sure they would want to talk it out.

"If you want, I can leave if you need some time, you know..." I was afraid everything I said sounded so calloused.

"No. I want you to stay, if you're ok with that. I just don't want to be alone right now."

I perked up a little at his request, thankful I didn’t have to return to campus quite yet, but soon felt guilty when I looked over and noticed his head was hanging low. He cleared his throat and looked up at me. He gave me a weak smile and I squeezed his hand.

"I'll stay with you if you really want me to."

"Good. I like having you around."

We made our way back into the house. I don't know if it was just because of the recent information I received but the house seemed more quiet and empty than usual. Matt still hadn't come back. Zack told me it might be awhile before he did. They never knew where he went, but he always came back. I followed Zack silently up the stairs to his bedroom. He pushed back the door and proceeded to shuffle to his bed and fell backwards onto it with a groan. He ran his hands through his messy hair and let them rest there, tangled in the dark, thick shag. I cautiously made my way to the side of the bed before sitting down next to him. I let my hand slide up to his and watched as he moved his hands and closed his eyes while I let my fingers glide through his surprisingly soft hair. His face began to soften into something less pain stricken and stressed as I aimlessly continued to run my fingers through his hair.

I thought about what he had told me and was still trying to process it all, and yet this was his life. He was used to it, or at least as much as you could be in a tragedy like this. I thought about the shit I was going through at home and wondered if he listened to my stories as intently and with as much interest as I had to his. I remembered telling him about everything back home and how he listened without commenting, just taking it all in. Just as I had done for his story. Both of us were kind of fucked up in our own way and yet we managed to get along as normally as we possibly could. Two fucked up people who managed to find each other. The thought made my stomach clench. Our situation was pretty unconventional as well. I mean, when I met Zack, I thought he was attractive. Then I spent time with him and even met his friends, and I thought there was something more there. Even now, after the amazing night we had spent together, it felt different.

I can’t deny the feelings I have for him, and I would like to think they were mutual, but that’s the problem. There is something inside of me holding back what I really want. Fear. But of what? I know what I said back in Jersey the day Frank left me. I’ll wait for you. I even remember my last encounter with him before taking off to the airport. The way he kissed me one last time, pleading me to stay. I would have done it if I could have let go of the fear I had then. That was the fear of getting hurt again. If I stayed in Jersey, I would have risked getting my heart broken all over again. This was a different fear I was feeling now. It was the fear of falling in love again. Frank was good to me in the time that we spent together, but then it all just fell apart. I love him, or at least I did. And now, Zack has the potential to give that to me again, but in order to allow that, I would have to let go of Frank. Let go of Jersey. The thought made my heart hurt. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that. As much as I care about Zack, Frank still had a hold on me.

Does he even miss me the way I miss him? Every time I had called Gerard, the answer was the same. No news from Frank. Because of him, I let my friendship with the rest of the guys dwindle down to practically nothing. I started ignoring phone calls and text messages because they were an inconvenience. When I did respond, it was short and to the point. Zack’s friends were becoming my new group of friends, and at first I felt bad, but now I’m starting to wonder if it was for the better.

I noticed Zack was breathing much heavier and looked down to see that he had fallen asleep, his mouth slightly parted. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch up into a smile. I quietly moved around the bed and lay down next to him. He mumbled something and instinctively reached his arm around and pulled me to him so I was snuggled up to his chest. I let my eyes close as I took a deep breath and let the scent of his cologne linger before letting it out in a sigh.

I knew the consequences of what I would be giving up, but I turned my head slightly and looked up at Zack’s face and knew that this is what I would be getting in return. I couldn’t keep holding back for one because of the other. I began to shake at the thought of the decision I was going to make and shifted next to him. Zack groaned and pulled me closer to him, snuggling his face into the side of my mine.

“Don’t leave me…” He breathed out, eyes still closed. I felt a familiar pulling in my chest and a lump in my throat. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself or to him. Both of them. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before answering him and myself.

“I’m not going anywhere.”