Angel, Put Me Back Together Again

My bags were packed. My classes were scheduled. I had a map of campus folded neatly among other papers and lists in a folder I had made up. I looked around my practically empty room. I was ready to leave. I heaved out a long sigh as I turned to walk out of my room. This is the last time that I would see it for a few months. I had lived in this house my whole life, yet as I made my way down the stairs I took them slower than usual, inspecting each one. I looked at the pictures on the walls and the scuffs on the floor. I took mental pictures along the way, storing them in a photo album somewhere in the back of my mind titled “Dirty Jersey”. This is where I came from. This is what I am. What I was. I shivered at the thought. This was it. I really made it out. Not a lot of people get out of here in one piece, yet alone alive, and here I am. One of the chosen few. My lips twitched at the corners with amusement. I jumped at the sound of something falling in the other room. I snapped my head in the direction of the noise to see my sketchbooks and notebooks sprawled across the doorway of the living room. That’s when I saw my dad stick his head out from behind the doorframe, looking sheepishly at me.

“I tried to put them in this bag for you…”

“Here, I’ll help.” I walked over and began picking up the various books and papers, helping my dad place them in a back pack. I smiled to myself as I handed him the last one. It was still pretty weird to see my dad in this state: caring and loving. He really wanted to help and make sure I had everything. He seemed genuinely excited for me. I wasn’t sure how to take it.

By now, I had remembered everything before the party, good and bad. All the memories were there and if they weren’t, no one seemed to remember them either. Of course the night of the party will never come back. I’ve accepted that. That or I just won’t let it come back. Whatever the case, I wanted to keep it that way. With that said, I was aware of my dad and how he used to treat me, the horrible things he did to me. It hurt, but it seemed like a bad dream now. Vivid enough to remember days later, but nothing that needed to be dwelled on. The most prominent memories of my dad are these past few months. He was a different man. I think that’s what made everything before the party seem like just a bad dream. It was strange, but I wasn’t complaining. I liked this dad. This dad and I actually got a long and had things in common. It was nice.

I watched as he carried the back pack over to the couch and sat it among my other bags. My whole life summed up in just a few suit cases and totes. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and leaned up against the doorframe of the living room. My dad turned back to look at me and gave me a smile. I could tell it was forced though. He looked tired and aged. He says how happy he is for me but I know it’s been eating at him since I told my parents that I wanted to go to CSULB. My dad was at least pretending to take it better than my mother who made it no secret how she felt.

“Where’s mom?”

“Out back.”

“Still? She’s been there all morning.”

“Yeah. I don’t want to bother her though.”

I nodded knowingly at him before turning and making my way to the back door that led to our back yard. My mom had picked up gardening since I told her about moving to California. She cried. A lot. Almost every time she saw me or talk to me, it would end with her getting choked up. Being their only child on top of them actually starting to care and treat us like a family, my mom wasn’t taking it very well. She started gardening just so she could focus on something else. She had something else to put all her time and energy into besides worrying. I stepped outside the back door and saw her digging a small hole with her tiny shovel. I hadn’t bothered to learn the lingo that she seemed to be so up on already. I cleared my throat and my mom looked over her shoulder at me and smiled.

“Oh, hey honey. What’s up?” She asked as she grabbed one of her little plants that she had lined up and placed it in the freshly dug hole, covering it with dirt.

“Just came out here to see what you were doing.”

“Just planting the last of these flowers. Wanna help?” She turned her attention back to her plants and began digging another little hole.

“Mom, I …” I sighed and pulled my phone out of my pocket, glancing at the time. I didn’t have to leave for another hour or so. I wasn’t really fond of rooting around in the dirt on my hands and knees, but I knew that I only had so much time left with her. I know she wants me to. “What do you need me to do?” I squatted next to her. She glanced at me and smiled, handing me her little shovel.

“Just start digging.”

You know, I wouldn’t consider myself a gardener. I’ve never really tried and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a green thumb or anything, but I actual enjoyed it. Maybe it’s just because I was hanging out with my mom, but it wasn’t that bad. We chatted casually as we placed each little plant in separate holes. It was sort of relaxing and rewarding in a way, even if my touch will eventually kill them. To my mom’s disappointment, I told her I had a few more things I had to do before we had to leave. At the mention of leaving, she was instantly thrown back into her depressive, watery eyed state. I told her to just take her time getting cleaned up and I would be back soon. There were a few people I had to say bye to.

I walked over to the Way’s house, shaking with nerves. All of the guys were supposed to be there. I’m sure Gerard wasn’t happy about that, but he has to know that we are not a thing. He has to know that this is over for good. He was just like the rest of them. I made it to the house and slowly made my way up to the front door. Before I even had a chance to knock, the door flew open and I was tackled by a blurry object. I gasped, laughing as I realized it was Mikey who had clung to me like a spider monkey.

“Jeez, Mikes, I’m happy to see you, too!” I giggled as he clung to me, squeezing me with astonishing strength for his size. “Mikey, I can’t breathe!” I choked. He laughed and finally let me go.

“Sorry. We’ve just been waiting for you to get here all morning.” He grinned as he threw his arm around my shoulder, leading me into the house. I looked up to see all the guys sitting around the living room, and I felt my throat tighten. Ray stood up from his spot on the couch and made his way over to me. I smiled and held back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Oh, come on, you can’t cry now. Wait till you leave.” Ray said, holding out his arms to me. I laughed, holding back the little sobs trying to escape and stepped away from Mikey and into Ray’s embrace. His hug was light and kind of awkward. I think I could know Ray for years and he’d still be the awkward guy with the afro. When he stepped away from me I saw that behind him the rest of the guys had gotten up from the couch. Next was Bob. I gave him an evil grin and I saw the worried look on his face. Bob isn’t big with emotions or being touchy feely, which is why I did what I did next. I laughed and ran from Ray and jumped on Bob, wrapping my arms and legs around him much like Mikey did to me moments ago. He let out a grunt but quickly wrapped his arms around me, holding me up and laughing.

“Warn me next time, will you?” He said, hugging me back. I crawled off of him, and gave him an actual hug. “Be careful, kid.” He quietly said against my ear. Again, I went from giggling to fighting tears by his words. I stepped away and saw Gerard standing awkwardly behind Bob. I cleared my throat and walked slowly up to him. I know he would have preferred a more private goodbye, but this was for the best. No one knew about Gerard and me, not even Mikey. He looked up at me and I saw his eyes were lined red. He had either been crying, or was fighting it now. For the first time in a long time, I felt my stomach twist in painful knots for Gerard. I hadn’t felt anything for a while for anyway, which is probably why I was on a bipolar rollercoaster right now. Standing here with them and saying goodbye was making all of this a reality. None of this felt real until this moment. I stepped into Gerard’s arms and felt my own arms snake around him, pulling him tightly against me. After a moment, he returned the gesture. I felt his press his face into my hair and take in a deep breath before sighing heavily. I pulled away just enough to look up at him. The look in his eyes made the ice that had been encasing my heart for the past few months melt. All the times I told him this didn’t mean anything, and know I wasn’t sure. He gave me apathetic smile and pushed some hair out of my face.

“I’d wish you luck, but you won’t need it. You’ll be the most bad ass chick out there. You’re Jersey, baby. You’ll be fine.”

I smiled at him and just nodded, not trusting myself to open my mouth for fear of bursting into embarrassing sobs. I told myself that I wanted to say bye to him just like the other guys, but in this moment, I would give anything to attack his lips with mine right now. I stepped out of his embrace and wiped away a tear that had finally broken free and ran down my cheek. I sighed and chuckled.

“Come on guys, it’s not like I’m leaving forever.”

“We know. It’s just gonna suck not having you around all the time.” Mikey said, scratching the back of his neck.

“I’ll try to come home as much as I can. I’ll let you guys know so we can plan ahead of time, too.” I smiled, and scratched my arm, staring at the floor. I let out a shaky sigh before looking back to them, scanning the room to each of their faces. “Well, look, I really hate crying, and I don’t have much time to hang out, so I just kind of stopped by to say goodbye before I headed out.”

All the guys gave me a knowing look. They all stepped toward me and we embraced in an awkward, yet fun group hug. I knew I couldn’t stall much more and if I stayed any longer, I was afraid I would change my mind. Reluctantly, I said bye one last time before finally leaving the house. I stepped back outside and made my back to my house. I started to wipe away the last few tears that had sprung up on my way out the door. I jumped when I heard someone call for me from across the street.

“So, Cali, huh? When’d you plan on telling me?”

The lump that had formed in my throat walking out of Gerard’s house had suddenly plummeted to the bottom of my stomach with a sickening thud. I slowly turned in their direction, my breathing coming to a standstill. I fought the urge to sprint to my house and managed to find my voice, as quiet as it was.

“Frank …”

“Miss me?”