Angel, Put Me Back Together Again

I stood motionless as I watched him push off the car so he was standing up straight. He shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking slowly toward me. When I first saw him standing there, my breathing had stopped. Now, the closer he got, he brought me back to life and was pushing me into over drive. If he got any closer, I was going to start hyperventilating. He was now on my side of the street. He was on the side walk with me. He was just a few feet away. He finally stopped. I drew in a shaky breath and I saw the corners of his mouth twitch up into a smirk. All I wanted was to have Frank back, so why did I feel so sick? I looked him up and down and swallowed hard. In the time I hadn't seen him, he had changed slightly. He seemed bulkier, like he had been working out. Still short little Frankie but with some oomph. I also glimpsed a new tattoo or two on his arm. I started to shake. He noticed and I saw the amusement flash across his face. I hated him. I had to keep telling myself that if I wanted to keep believing it. The way he looked at me wasn't the same. It was mocking, almost menacing. What right did he have to be mad? I composed myself enough to stare him in the eyes.

"Frank."

"Angela." He just nodded at me.

"What're you doing here?"

"I heard you were leaving." His sentences were clipped and ice cold. I wanted to slap the shit out of him. He had absolutely no right to be pissed at me. I felt my eye start to twitch.

"How'd you hear that?"

"Gerard." I cocked my eyebrow at him.

"But you and Gerard..."

"He's still my friend, in a fucked up sort of way." He rolled his eyes at his own statement. I winced. He emphasized the "he", making it clear that he still doesn't like me, which I never figured out why. He left me, not the other way around. I felt my insides twist painfully but was able to gain my composure back slowly. I felt them starting to shut down. My emotions. As long as I was thinking of Frank and what he did to me, it was almost impossible for me to feel anything. Now that he was standing in front of me, I felt everything going into lock down mode. It seemed that he was doing fine without me, so there was no way in hell I was going to let him see what he's done to me.

"So, what made you come over? Since when do you care about what I'm doing?"

"California, huh? Why so far?"

"Why won't you answer my question?" He gave me his infamous smirk. Despite the numbness I was feeling now, I couldn't stop the shiver that ran down my spine. Even still, even as much as I wanted to claw his eyes out, I couldn't deny the fact that he still had a powerful hold over me. I was fully aware of my body instinctively wanting to walk to him when he first came over. I had to use all my energy to stay stationary. I crossed my arms and held his powerful gaze. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I thought you were here to say bye to everyone. Shouldn't I deserve the same sappy fair well?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"Well that's one way to say goodbye."

"Jesus, Frank." I sighed before turning on my heel and trudging in the other direction. It was bad enough that one of my last memories with Frank was of him leaving me. That's all I needed was to top it off with my very last memory of him was him being a jackass. I almost thought he was just going to let me leave. Just like that.

"Angel, wait ..." He said, just barely audible. I froze mid stride. I felt my stomach turn and quickly swallowed whatever was rising to the surface. I turned around slowly to see his face had changed. It was softer, more sincere. I didn't dare move, but I knew the look on my face was enough to convey my hurt and confusion. He opened and closed his mouth, like he wanted to say something but changed his mind. He ran a hand through his messy hair once more and took a step towards me. Instinctively I took one back. I saw the hurt spread across his face. I took in a shaky breath and gave him one slow nod. He waited a few more moments before taking another step forward. He waited to gauge my reaction. When I didn't move, or breathe for that matter, he took another step and another until he was standing in front if me, forcing me to tilt my head back to look at him. I didn't dare make the first move for fear of what I would say or do. For a minute, it seemed like we were at a stale mate until he groaned in frustration and closed his eyes.

"You hate me."

"I fucking hate you." I corrected him. He opened his eyes and I instantly regretted saying it. I had to stand my ground though. I don't know what he's trying to pull here, but as far as I'm concerned, I really did hate him. The look on his face though... it made me that much more sick with myself. With him.

"Ok, you fucking hate me and I deserve that, but what about me?"

"What about you. What ... about you?! What the fuck does that mean? You left me, remember? This was your choice, Frank, not mine." I started to swell with anger. I guess I really should give him a chance to explain. I am the one that wanted to know, and now I don't want to hear it. I didn't say I was rational in my decision making.

"So you still care about me?" He cocked his head to the side.

"Have you lost your mind?" I retorted, just not as confident. I knew the real answer, but I also know what I feel in this moment. What I've felt for months.

"Do you even know what that does to me?" His voice was rough, angry. I eyed him with curiosity. He took another step toward me, closing the already small gap between us. I took a step back and found my foot on the edge of the curb. "Did you ever stop and think for one second what I felt? What this did to me?"

"You left me..." My voice was smaller now. I tried my hardest to avoid the feeling of guilt that was threatening to take over me.

"I left because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I thought it's what was best for you. For both of us. I know what it did to you. I know everything."

"What do you..." I trailed off and felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. He still talks to Gerard. I closed my eyes and asked the question that I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to.

"How much?"

"Everything. What you say. What you did. Gerard..."

"Frank..." I felt whatever contents I had in my stomach rising to the surface.

"No. Don't apologize. It's not your fault. Gerard told me because he felt bad about it. I told him I didn't care. That it didn't bother me. I lied. Yes I was pissed. Yes I said I hated you. Both of you. But the truth is, I don't. I realized that I did this to you. You had every right to do what you did, as much as it hurt me, because it does hurt me. When I left you that day, I knew that I had made the biggest mistake of my life so far, but I thought it would have been selfish of me to take you back just to hurt you again. I had to wait until I could trust myself. Since I left that day, I haven't been the same. I can't sleep. I don't eat much. But there is one thing I haven't done. I haven't talked to any other girls. Well, no ... that's a lie. I tried, but I can't do it. It just doesn't feel right. I took advantage of you, and now that I don't have you, now that I know what it's like to be without you, I don't want anyone else. I want you. I need you, Angel. I never stopped caring about you. I've thought of you everyday. You can't tell me that you really don't feel the same, can you?"

Before I could stop myself, I felt my hand shoot up and slap him across the face. It was so hard that it made me gasp. I brought my hands to my mouth and stood staring at him, wide eyed. He slowly turned to look at me again. His cheek was red, but his facial expression didn't change.

"I deserve that, too."

"You're an asshole." I sputtered out, surprised to fine that I was starting to cry. He tilted his head to the side as my hand print grew darker on his near perfect face.

"I needed you, Frank. I needed you! I didn't know what I had lost until you were gone. It all came back. I remember everything. That's all they are though. Memories. It's like a dream to me. I kept asking myself, "how could you miss someone you don't even remember being with?" I remember being with you and I remember the feeling it gave me, and I haven't felt that since you left. I've changed Frank, and I hate it. I hate myself, and I hate you for doing this to me." Tears were pouring down my face freely. I reached out and pushed him. He regained his composure and walked back up to me, so I pushed him again, a little harder.

"Angela, stop." He began to walk toward me again. I shook my head, shutting my eyes.

"Don't touch me." I took a step back and stumbled backwards. I had forgotten that I was standing on the edge of the curb. I heard a car horn and instinctively reached my arms out and grabbed Frank by his shoulders, stopping myself from falling into oncoming traffic. I felt Frank quickly wrap his arms around me, pulling my back onto the sidewalk. My head was spinning with how quickly it all happened. I felt myself leaning into him to keep myself upright.

When I slowly opened my eyes again, I found Frank's face just centimeters from mine. I took in a sharp breath as I saw him close the gap between us, his lips crashing into mine with a need I haven't felt in months. I was stunned for a moment, unable to react. My eyes were wide as I watched his face go from concerned and pissed off to relieved, almost scared as he continued to kiss me. My senses caught up to me and I let my eyes flutter shut and I began kissing him back. The moment he felt me respond, his hands gripped me tighter, my arms moving up from his shoulders to around his neck. I had to stop myself from sobbing as he held me tight against him, dominating this moment.

When he finally pulled away, I was too scared to open my eyes. This couldn't be happening right now. I felt his hot breath wash over my face. It was ragged and smelled of cigarettes and spearmint. I shuddered as one of his hands snaked up to the side of my face and wipe away the tears that had stained my cheeks. I found the courage to face him and let my eyes slowly open. His eyes were searching mine, I just didn't know what for. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say anything. I was so confused right now, I couldn't register what was happening right away.

"I love you Angel. Please don't leave ..." He was pleading not just with his words but with his eyes. They appeared to be red around the edges, almost as if he wanted to cry, but wouldn't let himself. I felt the choked sobs catch in my throat as I put my head down, unable to look at him anymore.

"You're such an asshole."

"What?" His voice was still quiet but obviously confused.

"Frank... why did you wait till now to say anything?"

"I didn't know if you felt the same. I had to see for myself but I wasn't sure..."

"I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel right now. I'm so fucking confused, Frank. Why would you do this to me right before I leave?" I was yelling now and crying again.

"I don't know. I didn't think..."

"Jesus, Frank! Listen... Things are fucked up right now. No, now they're really fucked up! I'm leaving in an hour, no matter what anyone says. I just need to get out of here. Out of Jersey. I need time to think. I'll be back in the fall." I turned and began walking off toward my house, not waiting for his reply. I didn't want to stick around. If I listened to him or saw the look on his face, I wouldn't be able to leave. I had only gotten a few feet away when I heard him call out to me.

"I'll wait for you..."

I flinched, but I kept I walking. I wouldn't look at him. I wouldn't answer him. I was going to California and there was no stopping me now. I need to get out of Jersey. As far away as possible.