Angel, Put Me Back Together Again

I was half way to Frank’s house before I knew what I was doing. After waking up from the awkward dream about Frank being in my room, I knew I needed to talk to him before I changed my mind or forgot what I wanted to say. I had slipped out of my parent’s house quietly and began walking across the neighborhood to Frank’s dad’s house. It didn’t even occur to me that it was just about two in the morning and he was most likely sleeping. What if he wasn’t even home at all? I haven’t talked to him in so long, at least in a civil way, who knows where he could be or what he could be doing. My head was reeling and the clear, quiet air of the early morning kept my senses on high alert. I’ll just have to figure it out as the situation unfolds.

When I saw his house coming into view, I knew I couldn’t turn back now. I would just knock on his window so I don’t bother his dad. My mind was trying desperately to convince me to turn around and just go back home, but I forced my body across the street and up the walk way to his house. I stopped once more half way up the concrete path to his front door when something shimmered in my peripheral vision. It was coming from behind the house. Little puffs of smoke were spiraling upward over the house and toward the sky, mingling with the clouds over head. I inhaled, faintly catching the scent of it now. My stomach turned. That could only be him back there. I couldn’t make my feet move for a few moments as I continued to watch the smoke dance away from the side of the house.

I had come here with the intention of talking to him, but I had a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that he would be asleep and not hear me knocking. I didn’t think I would have to face him so suddenly. Everything I had thought about saying or wanted to say had gone out the window. My mind was blank, but if I didn’t do it now, I don’t know if I ever would. Somewhere inside of me, I found the will to put one foot in front of the other and begin making my way around the side of the house. Before I stepped out in the open to face him, I noticed my hands were shaking violently, despite the unusually nice weather Jersey had been experiencing. Without thinking, I made my move and stepped out into the open where he could see me.

“Frank …” His name barely escaped me but that was all that I was able to utter. It wasn’t Frank sitting on the back steps. Her dyed red hair bounced on top of her head in its messy bun as she jumped at the sound of my voice. Her eyes matched my equally wide eyes as we stared at each other, confused. “W-who …” My stomach was turning violently. I couldn’t form anything coherent. Her hands were noticeably shaking as she ashed out her cigarette and stood up from the back steps.

“Angela.” She said simply. My throat squeezed with unbearable pain. She took a few steps toward me, wringing her hands together.

“Who are you?” I choked out, knowing the answer already, just not wanting to believe it.

“Angela, please don’t freak out.”

“How do you know my name?” I balled my fists tightly at my side. She attempted to take a few more steps toward me. “Don’t make another fucking move until you answer me.” My whole body was shaking with anger now. What made it worse was that she didn’t look scared or angry but concerned; almost like she felt sorry for me.

“Listen, I don’t want you freaking out on me. Just let me explain myself.”

Despite my better judgment, I backed down, crossing my arms firmly over my chest. “This better be good” I hissed. She ran her hand along the back of her neck and sighed heavily. She knew what she wanted to say, but wasn’t sure how to say it.

“My name’s Christine. I’m Frank’s friend … or girlfriend, or something. I’m not sure what we are.”

“That’s rich,” I spat out, not being able to stop myself as I felt an icy heat rush through my core at her words.

“It’s not like that. Skipping the details, for arguments sake, we’re together.”

“Oh, please. Elaborate. I’d love to hear these details.”

“I’d watch my temper if I were you. Aren’t you with Zack?” She finally flared up some causing me to withdraw a bit. She had a point, but it didn’t stop my anger from building. It’s hard to fight for him when I’m with Zack. I kept quiet as she continued. “Frank and I met at college in a class I was student teaching. I really cared for him, but he was still so hung up on you that I backed down. I was in a rough situation with my now ex-husband and he helped me through it, so I helped him to get you back by flying him out to California only for him to find out that you had moved on.”

“You … what?” My anger was quickly being replaced with embarrassment. If what she’s saying is true then … then I’m the bad guy. I withdrew from a defense stance and began recoiling.

“Believe it or not Angela, I did everything I could to help him. Despite how much I truly cared for him, despite how much it hurt to watch him fawn over you, for him to look in my eyes and know that he was looking for you, I helped him get back to you. You’re the one that moved on. Frank and I had a very strange relationship up until that point. He fought the urge to move on because he was hoping you stuck to your word. When he found out you didn’t, he came to me. I didn’t force him. He chose me. And I felt for you, Angela. I really did. I know more about you than you think. I wouldn’t have agreed to be with him if I knew he wasn’t completely over you. Since he came back from California, he’s been getting better. The band is writing music again. He’s trying harder in his classes. He’s gotten a part time job. I’ve never seen him this way. He’s grown up so much since I met him. I want the best for Frank, and I hope you would, too.”

“How would you know what he wants?”

“I don’t, but I know you’re with Zack. Don’t you owe it to yourself to find a new happiness with him? I know what it’s like to lose your first love. I married a guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and he broke my heart without thinking twice. I also know that if you truly want to be happy, you can be. You just have to find it in yourself to make the decision to move on. It’s hard, believe me. I questioned myself every step of the way, but when I finally opened myself up, all the pain of the past began to evaporate.”

“And I bet you think you’re so fucking wise. Don’t tell me what I need to do to be happy. I’m very happy with Zack. I’ve moved on.”

“Then why are you here?”

I dug my nails into the side of my arm to stop myself from lashing out at her. I couldn’t bring myself to admit that she was right. I wanted to scream. I came here to talk to Frank, and I now I’m not so sure I would have rather talked to him. If everything she said is sincere, Frank would have told me the same thing. As angry as I am for her telling me all of this, I don’t want to think about how much it would have hurt coming from him. My breathing became shallow as I tried not to cry. I didn’t trust myself to say anything else to her. I just hung my head in shame.

“Angela, I don’t expect you to thank me or even believe what I have to say. I just don’t want Frank to relapse into his old self again. If you really want to talk to him, you’re more than welcome to. I won’t stop you from going in there.”

“Why are you doing this?” I asked pitifully.

“What?”

“Being so nice and understanding about all of this? You’re not even mad that I came here.”

“Because I know how you feel. I see how much you truly love him. The fact that you showed up here after everything he put you through, still fighting for him, I know you still love him, and I can understand why you love him so much. Frank is an amazing guy. It was just the wrong time, and I’m sorry for that. Truly.”

“Well you’re finally wrong on something.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t love him anymore.” I choked on my own words, but I know it’s the truth. She gave me a sympathetic look.

“You don’t have to say that just because—”

“I’m not saying it for your sake. I came here to talk to Frank, not to get him back, but to prove once and for all that it’s over. I did love him, and I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision staying with Zack, but after talking to you, unfortunately, it’s pretty clear to me now. I don’t want to believe you, but Frank and I weren’t meant to be just yet. The fact that you could stand here and let me walk in there, knowing that he could change his mind about you says a lot. I wouldn’t have been so brave. This doesn’t make us friends, or even make me like you, and this doesn’t make it hurt any less, but I know that it’s time for me to walk away.” I quickly turned away from her and began my long trudge home. I needed to get away from here as fast as I could.

“Angela.” She said my name once more. I stopped without turning around, without saying a word. “Is there anything you want me to tell him?”

I closed my eyes ignoring the stinging sensation of tears. “Goodbye”.