Angel, Put Me Back Together Again

I glanced around my room, at all my bags packed against the wall. It didn't take long considering I had barely unpacked. I was heading back to California much sooner than I had anticipated. I haven't even told Zack yet. I figured being home for just three days, it didn't seem necessary. I thought I would need about a week to settle back in. Turns out I don't belong here anymore. I walked down stairs to find my parents sitting in silence in the living room. My mom looked like she might have been crying earlier, but her face was expressionless now. I wanted to feel sorry for them. Sorry that I was taking off and leaving once again, but I didn't feel much of anything. For anyone. Coming here was a mistake. All the progress I had made with Zack and moving on had now back peddled. I needed to get out of here before I did any more damage.

A few moments of awkward glances passed between me and my parents before my mother finally spoke up.

"Do you really have to leave now?"

"Mom... I made a mistake coming back." I saw the hurt in her eyes and couldn't help but sigh in frustration. "It's not you guys. I really do miss you; I just ... need a little more time to think things over. I was doing really well out there and coming back just..." I trailed off. There wasn't much I could tell them that they would understand. "Just give me some more time down there and I swear I will come back and stay longer. I'll even bring Zack." I don't know how long it would be before I came back but I felt certain that Zack and I would still be together.

My mother still didn't look pleased, but she nodded anyway. My dad sat through most of it without responding either way.

"I have a later flight so we have some time to still spend together. I just want a chance to say goodbye to all the guys before I go."

"Just... make sure to see us before you go" my mom practically pleaded.

"Of course. I’ll be home soon.” Wanting to avoid any more conversation, I walked out the front door and began walking toward the Way’s house. I hadn’t even had the chance to tell the guys that I was back in town before I made the conscious decision to leave again. I knew that going to Gerard and Mikey’s house could be a huge mistake. If they were having band practice, then Frank would be there. I didn’t necessarily want to see him but after my discussion with Christine the other night, I’m not sure how much worse it could get. I decided to take my chances, and if worse came to worse, act as civil as possible. Come to think of it, I wasn’t sure any of the guys wanted to see me. I practically fell off the face of the earth after moving to California. I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them wanted to see me. If that’s what it came down to, at least it would make it easier to leave. I don’t really know what I was expecting when I got there, but my mind kept coming back to the worst case scenarios.

As I approached the house I noticed Ray’s car parked out front. I suddenly began to feel nauseous. I knew I had come too far to go back now. I came here for some unfinished business and I was going to take care of it. I gave the house a look over and felt a strange mix of emotions. This is one of the first places I really fell for Frank, watching him play his guitar and sing. I had never seen so much passion out of him until that moment. This was also the place where my life took its drastic turn. This is where I found out that maybe my life wasn’t so great. Maybe I didn’t have everything. Maybe I had too much. I had two men who cared about me very deeply, and I broke both of their hearts here. It’s amazing the amount of memories one house nestled in Dirty Jersey could hold. I didn’t bother with the front door, knowing exactly where they would be. As much as I figured, the garage door was propped slightly open with music quietly coming from behind it. I recognized it as one of their original songs the band had written. The song that I had been the first to hear in this very garage. It wasn’t being played currently but rather sounded as though it was on the radio. Confused, I forced my feet to close the gap between me and the door. I slowly knocked against the worn wood and waited for an answer. There was some shuffling and mumbling coming from the other side.

“It’s about damn time. It just started playing –” Gerard froze as he ripped back the door only to find me standing there. Unsure of what to say, I just shrugged my shoulders and gave him a halfhearted smile. He stood there for a moment, unsure of what he was actually seeing. Without saying anything, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the garage. I took in the familiar surrounds of the beat up practice space. It had been cleaned up and there was no equipment to be seen. The couches still remained, and Ray was occupying one of them. He looked at me with wide eyes, not making a move to stand up. I felt awkward as we all looked over each other, listening to nothing but the sound of the radio. As the song came to an end, I heard the DJ come back on to announce what we had just heard. My eyes fell on the beat up FM radio on a milk crate across the room

“You heard it first on 89.7. That was the first radio single, Head First for Halos, from your local legends, My Chemical Romance…”

I couldn’t believe it. They actually made it. Despite whatever I was feeling when I first stepped through that threshold, I looked at both of them as goofy grins began to smear across their faces.

“That … that was you guys.” I finally muttered. They just nodded at me, Ray finally rising up from the couch. I shook my head and chuckled in amazement. “I don’t know what to say. I’m … I’m so proud of you.”

They joined in on my laughter and in a moment, I felt both of their arms wrap around me in an embrace that I had missed so much. I wanted to just keep holding on to them, but I didn’t forget why I had come over there, and I knew I would have to explain myself in a moment. When I was released from their strong arms, they both looked at me, confused and relieved.

“I wasn’t sure we would see you again.” Gerard piped up first.

“I’m sorry I stopped getting ahold of you…”

“Don’t be. I know you had shit going on with school. I’m just glad you’re back. How was it? How long are you here for?”

The whole way here, all I could think of was all that bad things that could happen. I thought the guys would be mad at me for ditching them. I thought Frank would be here to tell me he never wanted to see me again. I thought of a lot of things, but I never considered the idea that they would actually miss me. That they could forgive me for being a complete asshole to them. I never thought they would forgive me so easily, which made it that much harder. I ran my hands through my hair and sighed.

“I’m actually getting ready to head back.” I watched as the look on their faces faltered.

“Wait… I thought you just got back?” Ray interjected quietly.

“I did. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer. I was just hoping to catch you before I had to go.”

“What do you mean go? Why?” Gerard was unable to hide the hurt on his face. It felt strange looking at him. The last time I really saw him, we had been sleeping together pretty regularly. Whatever feelings I may have had for him at the time have completely disappeared now. I still cared about him, without a doubt, but I just couldn’t imagine feeling the way I did last summer. I’m hoping he had done the same and moved on.

“It’s hard to explain. I just have to go back. Coming here to Jersey was a bad idea. A lot of memories here …”

“You talked to Frank.” Gerard said flatly. Ray shifted a bit and cleared his throat.

“I’m gonna head inside for a bit. Angela, I’m pretty bummed your leaving. Just … just don’t forget us this time alright?” Ray surprised me by hugging me once more before going in the house. He was obviously uncomfortable and unsure of what was going to happen next. Hell, I didn’t know. I squeezed him back and gave him a nod, unable to answer. After he was gone, I turned back to Gerard. He didn’t look angry, just that sorry look again. Why did everyone have to treat me like a child and feel sorry for me? Anger began to flare up in my chest.

“No. I talked to Christine.”

“Great.” He ran his hands through his messy hair and sighed. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming back? I could have told you not to bother.”

“Well I didn’t really except him to show up in California. That wasn’t exactly fair. I came here to settle things. Did you know he came over there?”

“Yes.” His bluntness caught me off guard and my anger grew.

“So you’ve known about her?”

“Angela, please. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I just wish I could have saved you the time of coming down here. He said you were with someone.”

“I am. I didn’t come here to get him back. I just wanted to get my two cents in.”

“Was it worth it?”

“Don’t patronize me Gerard. Did you even move on or are you still hung up on me?” I instantly regret it when I said it. He didn’t seem phased though. He gave me that sorry look again that I just wanted to slap off his face.

“Yes. She’s still in New York. I met here while I was up there.”

I had forgotten all about him getting a job writing his comics. I didn’t even bother to ask him about it. I was pretty embarrassed to change the subject now. I cleared my throat and turned my gaze to the ground.

“Well, I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.”

“So … where’s everyone else?” I was hesitant to ask. He was obviously expecting someone when he pulled back that garage door.

“Bob and Frank are on their way. Mikey’s still on campus.”

“Is she coming?”

“Yes.”

“Oh …” It didn’t sting any less the second time. I bit at my lip as I glanced at the door behind me. “I should probably get going.”

“Angela,” he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug. I sighed as I accepted his warm, familiar embrace. “I’m sorry you found out this way.”

“It’s really ok. I think it was for the best.” As I pulled my head away from his chest he looked at me with smirk.

“Do you whatever you have to do. Just remember to come back every now and then.”

“I promise.” My voice wavered and I didn’t trust myself to say anything else. I wrapped my arms around myself and walked reluctantly out of the garage. The last time I left for California and came here to say goodbye, I was greeted by Frank outside the house. I stepped out into the front yard, but there was no sign of him this time. I nodded to myself and without any more hesitation, I lowered my gaze to the ground and began walking back to my house.