I Need Him, My Gerard

I feel so alone. I can’t help feeling it would be my fault if me and Gerard broke up for good. Did I make a mistake? Should I have just forgiven him and let it all be OK. If I had we could be curled up on his couch, watching a movie. Instead I’m sitting here on my own crying and eating huge handfuls of skittles. I feel like we have broken up for good. Gerard doesn’t know how great he is, what he could get.

“Frankie, do you want to talk?” Mikey came in and sat next to me.

“Hasn’t Gerard told you yet?” I said bitterly.

“Yes but you don’t look so good,” he said. He looked worried.

“How’s Gerard?” I asked him, looking down.

“Oh Frankie, he’s a mess. He hasn’t stopped crying, and he didn’t sleep last night.” I didn’t get any satisfaction from knowing he was miserable. I wanted him to suffer and be upset, but I still love him.

“He asked me to tell you something,” Mikey said guiltily.

“What?” I asked, realizing he hadn’t just come over to see me.

“He wants to see you.”

“I can’t, not yet. You understand?”

“Yeah, but Gerard is close to suicidal, I’ve never seen him so bad Frankie. He needs you.”

“What would you do Mikey?” I had to ask. He sat there biting his lip for a minute, before answering me.

“I would go and see him.” He looked down and I sighed.

“Even though he did that?”

“I wouldn’t get back together with him, I’d just talk to him, give him hope or something. He needs that.”

“Alright. Is he at home?”

“He’s been at home ever since it happened.”

“Right. I’ll go see him now?”

“Yeah, our parents are out.”
I got my shoes on and ran to put some make-up on and brush my hair. Then I left with Mikey, squinting in the light. When we got to the house I hesitated, for the first time ever not wanting to go inside. Mikey walked on in front and then turned when he saw I had stopped.

“You are coming aren’t you?” He said, walking over.

“Erm, I’m not sure.”

“You came all this way,” Mikey said, grabbing my hand and pulling me up to the house. He opened the door.

“Where is he then?” I asked Mikey quietly.

“In his room.” Mikey said, giving me a reassuring smile and pushing me slightly. I walked down the stairs and knocked on Gerard’s door.

“Leave me alone,” he whimpered from somewhere inside. He sounded so broken, I couldn’t be mad at him anymore. I pushed the door open.

“You said you needed to talk to me though,” I whispered, staring at the room, my eyes filling with tears.

“Frankie,” he said, standing up and stumbling over.

“Gerard,” I said, stepping backwards slightly. He got the message, and fell on the floor at my feet, crying. I touched him lightly on the head. He looked up at me, his face stained with tears and blood.

“Frankie, I’m not asking you to take me back right now, but please, it can’t be the end, I love you so much Frankie, please.”

“Oh Gerard,” I sighed. I love him; he loves me and needs me. So why can’t I just let it go? He’s sorry, there’s nothing more I can do and I want to be with him.

“So sorry,” he mumbled into my jeans.

“Gerard,” I said, lifting his head. “I forgive you.” I fell on my knees and put my hand on his cheek.

“I love you Gee.” I said. He sighed outwardly in relief, and crashed against my chest. I just held him as his breathing slowed down and became normal again.

“Frankie, are we together again?” I thought hard, but decided not to waste something as great as this over a stupid mistake.

“Yeah, I love you too much to be apart,” I said, and he raised his head to kiss me. I tensed at first, but then I kissed him harder, leaning in. I hadn’t realised how much I had longed for his sweet kiss.

“Frankie, it will never happen again, never ever,” he said, letting the last of his tears fall onto my shirt.

“I know Gee, I know. Let’s just start over now ok.”

“Ok,” he whispered. I helped him up and got a wipe for his face. He closed his eyes and just let me clean him up. Then I took his hand and led him into the front room, allowing him to fall asleep on my chest. Mikey came in a little while later, and smiled when he saw us. Gerard turned slightly and mumbled something softly against me. I couldn’t help think of Gerard as a child sometimes. The way he needed me to do everything for him. I’m not complaining, I love him a lot, but I worry all the time that I’m not good enough for him. That I’ll fail being his primary care giver.

“I’m glad you made up,” Mikey said, coming up to us and perching on the arm of the couch.

“Me too,” I said, kissing the top of Gerard’s head softly and stroking his cheek lightly. He made a soft little whispery sound. I smiled, he was so cute. His nose was pink and his cheeks were so pale, they were almost glowing.
Gerard shuffled against me, waking up. He breathed outwardly and smiled when he saw me there.

“Frankie,” he said kissing my chest. He sat up and rested his head on my shoulder.

“Hi gee,” Mikey said, making his presence known.

“Hi Mikey. Look I’m sorry about being rude to you earlier,” Gerard said, biting his lip and pouting at Mikey. It made me smile; he looked so damn cute like that, his hair all over his face, his eyes shining.

“Yeah I forgive you, you were feeling rough and all,” Mikey said, feeling slightly awkward.

“Don’t I get a hot little pout like that?” I asked, and Gerard smiled at me. He turned his pout back on.

“I’m sowwy Fwankie,” he purred, flicking his head to the side so his hair moved over.

“I forgive you baby,” I said, grinning and pushing him onto the floor.

“What was that f…?” He didn’t finish because I jumped on him, kissing him hard on the mouth. He giggled.

“You could have warned me,” he said, putting his fingers on my bottom lip, pulling it down to open my mouth.

“More fun this way though,” I laughed. He pulled me towards him, kissing me hard. I shoved my tongue down his throat, grinding my hips into his lightly. He let out a long lusty groan and put his hand into my hair, balling it up.

“Guys, WAIT,” Mikey squealed.

“Come on Mikey you’re used to it,” I said, pulling away from the kiss, making Gerard moan harder.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to hear my brother making those noises.” he said, wrinkling his nose. Gerard laughed and pulled me down whispering in my ear.

“Three, two, one,” he whispered, and we started making out and grinding together moaning as loud as it was humanly possible, rolling over so Gerard was on top and he grabbed Mikey’s leg. Mikey screeched as Gerard ran his hand up and down Mikey’s thigh in time to his moans.
I glanced at Mikey’s horrified face and pulled away from the kiss.

“Gerard, don’t be too evil, let him escape now,” I laughed, gently pulling his arm away from Mikey. Mikey leaped and practically sprinted out of the room. I linked my fingers with Gerard’s and pushed him off me.

“Hey,” he mumbled. I sighed and got up, pulling him with me.

“I think we should go and apologize to Mikey now,” I said.

“Why?” Gerard asked, looking puzzled.

“Because we traumatized him.”

“Look, I’ll only worry if he walks in on us having sex.” I laughed. He might actually faint if he did.

“OK, but I’m going to apologize before I leave coz you’ve got all night to do it.”

“Fine, but I won’t apologize,” he said stubbornly, scowling. He looked like a kid who wasn’t allowed a cookie. He was so adorable that I just had to do something I knew was not appropriate right now. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into a kiss, dragging him towards his bedroom. I locked the door and turned around.

“What?” he asked me, puzzled. I pushed him onto the bed, and straddled his waist.

“Oh,” he said, laughing.

“Mmmmm,” I moaned.

“Patience baby,” he said, putting his finger on my lips.

“Nope, now,” I said, reaching down to lightly kiss his neck. I found his pulse and began sucking lightly, nipping the skin. He groaned and put his hands on my waist, reaching for my boxers.