The ED Diaries

The cold tiles of the floor prickled the skin of the young girl as she lied on the ground. Her hair was sprawled around, making a black halo around her head. She was breathing shallowly, still barely conscious. The girl just wanted to lie there forever, and never get up, but she couldn’t help but hear the incessant mind in the back of her head that was hissing at her.

You’re so fucking stupid and worthless. You’re fat and ugly. Nobody loves you.

It was always those words that began, always the same. Every time the broken girl heard them she couldn’t help but whimper. It had all happened so long ago, but it seemed like only yesterday sometimes. That man, the one who had opened Renee’s eyes. The one who had bruised her, marked her, taken away her innocence, it was all his work. He must’ve been proud, knowing that she had finally listened to his words that were barely a memory now.

The young girl heaved herself upwards with her elbows, her head now resting on the toilet seat.

Do it! You need to be pretty. You need to be more beautiful than those friends of yours, skinnier, better.

Renee inserted her frail finger with awfully bitten off nails and chipped nail polish in her mouth. Since she knew exactly what she was doing, it didn’t take long before she was vomiting what little she had left in her system, mostly consisting at this point of toxins and laxatives.

After she was done, she went and got the scale that she hid in the cabinet. She stepped on the
machine, looking down at her feet where the bones were sticking out. Renee watched as the
arrow on the scale started getting higher and higher, making the girl sick.

20, 30, 40

The arrow just kept climbing until it rested on the red number that seemed to be infiltrating the young girl’s mind, possessing her every thought as she began to wobble, her legs too weak to
support her.

94.

That was the number that the damned arrow had stopped on, the number that was never good enough.

Still too fat. The voice hissed at her, and she nodded.

The girl turned to look into the dainty mirror that was hanging there, taunting her. She looked at her reflection for a mere second, before swiftly bowing her head down, too ashamed. All she saw was fat and chub, she couldn’t see the true reflection staring back at her. She couldn’t see the bones, the veins popping out from under her skin; she couldn’t see the pasty body, that was all hidden from her.

Flashes of the night that changed her fucking life flashed in her mind, making her cringe as she remembered what her step-father had done to her. Although, in a way it seemed like a miracle.

The funny thing, Renee thought, after all those damned fuckers that called themselves therapists, after all those endless meetings, and court rooms, it gave them absolutely nothing. They said that the man who was her step-father was cruel, but Renee didn't think so. They were all so fucking stupid, they didn’t know of being skinny, they were all so fat, so, so fat.

Suddenly, Renee heard a knock at the door, it was more of a hammering than a knock, and the girl could faintly hear her mother yell from the other side, although it felt as if it was a wall of water that was separating them.

Renee tried to walk, tried to make her way to the door so that she could lock it. But the minute she made one step, her whole body gave in, and she fell to the floor, making a soft 'thud'.

The girl noticed that she had a pain in her head, but it was far away and she almost didn’t feel it. She was on her back, facing the ceiling, that was the first time that she noticed that her ceiling was grey, a sickly horrible grey. It did take her mind off of the pain in her body though, the one that didn't feel all too bad.

Her mother was still hammering the door, although Renee knew that it wouldn’t be long until she noticed that it wasn’t locked and that she would enter. She wondered what her mother’s reaction would be, she wished she could see it, but her vision was going away now.

Renee just had the time to hear her mother scream before she was engulfed into the darkness of her mind, shutting off.

When she woke up, she was in this place. Seabrook, she heard was the name. Her mother was crying as she held Renee’s two year old brother in her arms. Obviously she was going to bring him, she didn’t go anywhere without the damned kid.

People were shuffling around her, but she took absolutely no notice of them as she sat on a bench.

Renee didn’t feel anything at that point, she was hollow. She was a carcass of a once riveting young girl. She was a ghost.