Wake up Under the Sun

There was something mysterious about weddings. It didn’t matter who planned it or how many details you secretly knew; the nostalgic feeling always crept up on your heart and you were brought back to your childhood days, to your dreams of the big white wedding you had planned and schemed out. It tug and tug and tug at your heart, until finally the wedding madness was over and the couple left for their honeymoon. Then it slowly faded away, much like it had done originally as you grew older and you realized that no, you aren’t a princess and your prince charming isn’t going to come riding up to rescue you in the most opportune of times. It was a subtle change of heart; nothing concrete influenced it. But sure enough, those days were long forgotten, your meticulous planning shoved into the back of your closet for a rainy day.

Living in those long, drawn out days leading up to the wedding were painful. Agonizing, really. It was torture to be reminded that yet another two people were joining together forever, and you were, essentially, left alone. It was worse when your best friend was the one getting married off – she would still be there for you, definitely, but her outlooks on your problems? They would inevitably change. She would try to convince you she still understood dating woes or that overwhelming feeling of loneliness. But you both know it’s not the same. And it won’t be the same until you get married, too.

I sighed, realizing these thoughts were only making me feel shittier than I already did, and stretched my arms above my head. I hadn’t fallen asleep. I stared at the ceiling all night, breathing in and out as slowly as I could. As I focused on John exhaling against my neck, I could feel my system begin to sort through the alcohol I had consumed. My eyes grew heavier as the night wore on but my body never caught up. I envied him and his ability to fall asleep so easily after sex – but I guess men were just wired that way.

I looked at the alarm clock on my nightstand. It was almost 6AM and I sighed softly. I lightly ran my fingers through John’s tousled hair, playing with the ends and twirling pieces mindlessly.

“Why are you awake?” John mumbled sleepily.

I sighed again, now massaging his head. He breathed out a soft moan of appreciation. “Truthfully?” I questioned. He nodded his head and pressed his lips against my shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about you.”

He chuckled against my skin, “Sorry I’ve kept you awake all this time.”

John moved slowly, sleepily, so that he was practically hovering over top of me. His bare chest touched mine and I swallowed hard, my heart fluttering and pounding and creating too much chaos to handle at one time. I locked my arms around his neck, pulling him even closer in the process.

“I really have missed you,” he muttered. “I love you, Laney.”

I smiled, leaning up slightly so our noses brushed. “Kiss me.”

“With pleasure,” he laughed, and then his lips melted against mine.

There are some days where I felt like John could be my prince charming. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. He was difficult to communicate with sometimes, especially when he goes into his writing modes, but we connect in a way all of his close friends say they’ve never seen from him before. And if I had anyone that close to me, I’d venture to guess they’d say the same of me too. But for some reason, I had doubts. Would John ever be able to love someone more than music? And if he could, was I that someone?

“John?” I exhaled. His lips had wandered by now, and I could feel him leaving a mark on my collarbone. He hummed in response, never breaking concentration. “Do you ever, you know, think about getting married?”

He shrugged and nonchalantly replied, “No.” I felt my heart drop. He lightly kissed the bruise he gave me and grazed his fingers against my hipbone. I pushed his hand away, looking up at him. His eyes showed his confusion.

“Not even once in a while?” I asked curiously, hoping the hurt was masked well.

He chuckled softly, nervously. “I’m 22, Lane. I’m not ready to get married to someone yet.”

“Not even if you’ve found the right person?” I questioned, my tone becoming more demanding and defensive. Defensive of what, I wasn’t sure.

John pulled me up into a sitting position. I tried to grab the blanket to cover myself up but John stopped me. “Stop. I don’t know where this is coming from but just stop. You’re beautiful, Delaney. I love you. I love your mind, and your spirit, and your body, and everything that you are. I fucking love you with everything in me, but we’re too young to get married right now.”

“Lex and Loren are our age,” I pointed out.

He sighed. “So that’s where this is coming from.”

I felt my lip quiver slightly. “Why can’t you just promise me a forever?”

He sighed again, this time much deeper than the last, and rubbed his hands over his face. He ran his fingers through his hair and locked his hands at the back of his head, studying me sternly. “Because there might not be a forever, Laney. I can’t break your heart like that.”

The tears instantly welled in my eyes and I couldn’t stop myself from moving toward the edge of the bed. He tried to grab for me but I pushed his hands away. I dressed in clean underwear and quickly rummaged through my closet. I pulled on random clothes – a pair of shorts and a loose shirt, one I soon realized belonged to John – and grabbed my dress for the wedding before leaving the room altogether.

The first thing I saw was John’s stupid white truck in the driveway. My stomach twisted and fell deep – I forgot that I had left my car at the restaurant. I began to dial on my phone when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my car parked at the curb. Tucked under the windshield wiper was a piece of paper fluttering in the wind.

You owe me. –L

Sitting atop the driver’s side front tire were my keys, and thrown onto the floor of the passenger side was my purse. I quickly unlocked the doors and got inside. As I closed the door behind me, John walked out the front door. His phone was pressed to his ear and he was speaking dramatically, using wide arm gestures even though he was having a phone conversation.

He caught my stare and momentarily stopped talking. I pressed the phone to my ear when I heard a voice coming from the speaker.

“I can’t do this, Kenny,” I whimpered. I watched as John, defeated, said something else to whomever he was speaking to and hung up. His shoulders slouched as he climbed into his truck.

And even though he had no idea what I meant, he answered as if he knew every detail. “You don’t have to. I’ll make some coffee, okay? Be here in five.”

**
I told Kennedy everything and I made him promise me that Lex wouldn’t find out about it today. Or for the next couple of weeks. I didn’t want to ruin anything for her, especially not after she assumed things had gone back to being okay after last night.

And, surprisingly, her wedding went off without a hitch. It was at the reception, however, that she began to figure it out. John and I didn’t speak to each other and we avoided eye contact. It was as if last night hadn’t happened at all.

“Laney,” Lex said, pulling me aside. I looked at her, knowing by the tone in her voice what she was going to say next. “Why? Please stop fighting this relationship. It’s complicated and it always will be, you know that. It’s John O’-fucking-Callaghan – he’s not a simple creature, okay? You knew that getting into it at the very beginning and you still know it now. I just want to see you happy, Lane, and so far he’s the only one that has been able to do that for you.”

The sun was setting off the horizon and Lex’s wedding planner had turned on the twinkle lights. The whole yard had illuminated into some mystical romance scene straight out of a love story. It was definitely the shining moment of Lex’s girly side.

“Please listen to me,” she begged, sensing my wandering attention. I focused on her eyes. “He’s yours. You two are a more emotional version of Loren and myself. You’re moody but meant to be, okay, and I don’t want you fighting fate. I want to see you happy and if that means you have to argue with Johno for the rest of your life, my God, please do it.”

I felt bad. Worse than I did this morning. “I don’t want you worrying about me on your wedding day, Lex.”

She smiled warmly. “I’ll always worry about you, Laney. You’re my best friend.”

Even though I promised her that I would fix things with John, I knew it was a lie. I only said it so she would go back to Loren and enjoy the rest of her wedding day. She didn’t need to be thinking about my problems, not even the ones I had gotten myself into.

“Lane,” Lex said, catching my attention one last time. I looked at her. “He called me this morning. The last thing he said to me was ‘I think I lost her.’ I’ve honestly never heard him so upset and heartbroken. All I’m asking is for you to talk to him and fix it, no matter what happened.”

We kissed each other’s cheeks before she shimmied her way back to the dance floor where Loren was waiting for her. I stayed in the background for a while after that conversation. I couldn’t find John, but truthfully I wasn’t trying. It wasn’t until after they had cut the cake that I spotted him by the beer. He looked as lost as I felt. And all I could do was pull out my phone and send him a text message.

I’m sorry - again. Please, please don’t give up on us. I think I know what to do.