I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

I woke up in Matt’s arms, feeling so relaxed. I rolled my head to the side to look at his face, only to see that he was looking right back at me with his beautiful, brown eyes. “Were you watching me sleep?” I asked him, raising my eyebrows. “Maybe,” he said sheepishly, a smirk on his face. I smiled and rolled on top of him, entangling my fingers in his hair and kissing him softly. He returned the kiss eagerly, gripping my hips in his hands. Things started heating up as Matt ran his hands up my back underneath my shirt and his tongue entered my mouth. The moment was broken, however, when I accidently hit him in the side of the head with my cast.

“Ow!” He squeaked, bringing a hand to his head. “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry!” I apologized, holding a hand over my mouth. Matt laughed and wrapped his arms around me, holding me against his chest. “It’s okay, Roxx,” he chuckled, kissing me on the forehead. I laid there on top of him, listening to the steady beating of his heart, when I heard a loud crashing noise. “What the hell was that?” I said. Matt gently pushed me off him and got out of the bunk. I got out after him, my head instantly feeling heavy. I wobbled slightly and almost fell backwards, but Matt righted me, his arm holding me securely around the waist.

“You okay?” He asked me worriedly. “I’m fine,” I insisted, kissing him quickly on the cheek. He smiled and helped me out into the main lounge, my limp still slowing me down. “Hey! Look who’s still alive!” Zack said when I sat down next to him on the couch. I rolled my eyes and punched him in the arm playfully. “Where did that noise come from?” Matt said. “Sounds like it came from outside,” Zack shrugged. “I better go check it out,” Matt said, putting his hands in his pockets. “Will you be okay?” He said, shifting his attention back to me. I nodded. “I’m not an invalid,” I said sternly. “So you keep telling me,” Matt said with a small smile, leaning over and kissing me on the forehead before heading outside.

“It finally happened, then?” Zack said once we were alone. “What?” I replied. “You and Matt,” he said, as if it were obvious. Which it wasn’t. “What do you mean?” I asked him, confused. “Please,” Zack said sarcastically. “He’s liked you basically forever.” I shrugged. “I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t ever know if we are anything, you know? It’s not like he’s asked me to be his girlfriend or anything,” I said bluntly. “He hasn’t?” Zack said, surprised. “Nope.”

A comfortable silence settled over us as we sat there, thinking. “Are you okay, Zack?” I asked him after a moment. “Me? Yeah,” he said. “Are you sure, though?” Zack shrugged. “Not really. Things with Addison...it just wasn’t meant to be. Anyone could see that she belongs with Alex.” I nodded and searched his face for the truth. Was he really okay? With Zack, it was always kind of hard to tell.

Suddenly, there was another crash outside. I stood from the couch much too quickly, falling back again. Zack caught me gently and led me outside, his arm around my shoulder. I felt so useless. I couldn’t even walk properly because of my stupid stitches. My concussion was annoying, too. I was just so fucking weak. I hated it.

When we got outside, it was Adi I saw first. She was on the ground, an amp crashed beside her, another on top of her. My eyes widened as I broke free of Zack and ambled towards her. “Adi!” I screamed, quickening my pace. Zack ran to catch up with me and put his arms around my waist, stopping me. “Slow down, Roxxie. You’ll hurt yourself.” I shrugged him off and shook my head, determined to reach Addison. When I got to her, she was busily trying to push the amp off her tiny body, to no avail.

Zack arrived on the scene and lifted it off her easily, crouching down beside her. I did the same on her other side. “Adi, are you okay?” Zack asked her, his voice full of worry. Addison coughed and sat herself up, examining the graze on her knee. “I’m fine,” she said. “Nothing major.” Zack pulled her into a hug and buried his face n her shoulder. “Thank fuck,” he muttered. “What the hell were you doing?” I asked her, once the two had broken apart.

“Trying to move these fucking amps into the venue,” Adi said with a scowl, kicking one of them. “Why?” Zack said, voicing my thoughts. “I needed to get my mind off things,” she said. “I just wanted to punch something, honestly.”

“The amps are much too heavy for you,” Zack said. “You know that.” Adi sighed, her face set in a frown. “I fucking know that, okay? It’s just that...just forget about it, okay?” She said with a huff. Zack threw his hands up and backed away from her. “If that’s the way you want it,” he said, turning and walking away. “Zack, wait! I didn’t mean it like that,” Adi called after him, but he ignored her, walking up the steps of the bus and slamming the door shut behind him.

“What’s really going on?” I said, kneeling on the ground in front of her. “Alex. What else?” Adi spat, staring at the ground. “Tell me everything,” I said, lifting her chin with my hand. She stared at me before breaking down in tears. “Fucking Alex! He’s such a stupid fucker and now Lisa fucking Ruocco is here. Isn’t that just fan-fucking-tastic? A real party! Now her and Alex can run off together into the fucking sunset!” Addison screamed, tears running down her face.

“Wait. Lisa’s here?” I asked her. “Yes!” She screamed. “You shoulda’ seen the look on that skank’s face. So fucking smug. It’s like every time she comes around it’s just to steal Alex’s heart and leave. That’s why I had to move the amps. I wanted to throw the motherfucking things across the parking lot! I can’t handle this,” Addison said.

“Adi,” I said softly, placing my hand on her shoulder. “You know the only one who’s ever stolen Alex’s heart is you.” Addison looked up at me, her eyes wide, and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back and smoothed down her hair, telling her that everything would be alright.

Later that afternoon, I let Alex have it. “Are you a fucking mentalist?” I screamed at him, the second I got him alone. He’d been with Lisa all day, happily chatting with her. God, she was such a bitch. She’d always been completely rude and inconsiderate to me. She had the second she’d arrived. After the drama with Addison, I’d walked all over the venue in search of Alex to give him a piece of my mind.

I’d found him with Lisa, sure enough, in one of the dressing rooms. The second I saw her, I had to bite down on my bottom lip to stop the long line of profanities from escaping my mouth. “Hey,” she’d said, in her obviously fake sugar-sweet voice. I smiled tightly back at her, forcing myself to be nice, if only for Alex.

Now, there was no holding back. Lisa had gone back to her hotel room and Alex and I were finally alone in the back lounge of the bus. “What did I do?” He asked now, holding a hand to his chest. My mouth flew open and I raised my eyebrows at him. “What did you do? Fucking hell. What didn’t you do?!” I screamed back at him. “Roxxie, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” The nerve of this asshole. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Lisa? I mean, really?!”

“That’s what this is about?” He asked, incredulous. “Lisa?”

“Yes!”

“Roxxie, there’s nothing going on between me and Lisa,” Alex said. “Addison seems to think otherwise,” I stated bluntly, crossing my arms across my chest. “Addison? She thinks I’m getting back with Lisa?”

I just looked at him.

Alex suddenly started laughing. Loudly. I stared at him furiously. “I fail to see what it so funny,” I said. Alex clutched at his chest and his laugher died down. “I just ran into Lisa today. She’s in town for some modelling thing. She wanted to get together for lunch and talk so I agreed. Then, basically, I told her to fuck off.”

I stared at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Alex said with another laugh. “She was all over me, too. You shoulda’ seen her! Fucking hilarious.”

Besides myself, I started laughing, too. “I’m sorry for yelling at you,” I said. “I woulda’ yelled at me, too,” Alex said with a lopsided smile. He pulled me into a one-armed hug. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” He said after a moment. “Yeah,” I replied. “We have.”
______

“So, tell me, how is it that I’m the only girl in the band and I don’t have my own fucking clothing line?” I said later that night. Alex howled with laughter. “I’m serious!” I said. Alex just laughed even louder. We’d both had way too much to drink. “I want my own fucking clothing line!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Alex laughed so hard that he fell off the couch. He rolled around on the floor, amazingly without spilling his beer.

I laughed, too, bringing the bottle of vodka back to my lips. “Someone get this girl, right here, a clothing line!” Alex said, getting back on the couch and putting his arm around my shoulders. I laughed and took another swig from my bottle, the vodka burning the back of my throat. It had stopped tasting terrible a while ago.

“What are you gonna call it?” Alex asked me now. “What?” I said, confused. “Your clothing line,” Alex replied with a little burp. I giggled and thought for a moment. “Roxxstar!” I said suddenly. “Like my name! That’s off the motherfuckin’ chain!” Alex laughed. “Fuckin’ A!” He agreed.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

Alex and I immediately snapped our heads in the direction of the door. Matt stood there, hands on hips, a stern look on his face. “Matty!” I squealed, running towards him and jumping into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. He laughed and held me in his arms as I kissed his neck. “Roxxie,” He said softly. I ignored him and continued to softly suck and bite at his neck, leaving marks behind. “Roxxie, stop,” he said, carefully extricating himself from me. He set me back on the ground and I stared at him, offended.

“You don’t want me?” I choked out, my eyes filling with tears. “No, Roxxie, don’t take it like that...you’re drunk. It wouldn’t be right. I won’t take advantage of you.”

“I’m not drunk!” I screamed. “You’re drunk!” Matt laughed and shook his head slowly. Alex had already passed out on the floor. Matt took the bottle from my hand and put the lid back on it before tossing it on the couch. “You need to go to bed,” he said. He helped me into my bunk and folded the blankets around me before kissing me on the forehead and getting out, closing the curtain behind him.

I burped and laughed to myself, too awake to sleep. The second I heard Matt leave, I crawled out of my bunk and turned the lights on. Jack stuck his head out of his bunk to complain, but when he saw it was me, his face softened. “What are you doing?” He asked me tiredly, a smile on his face. I grinned back at him and laughed, running up and down the bunk area. Jack rolled out of his bunk and followed me, grabbing me from behind and spinning me around. He set me down on the ground again and kissed me on the cheek gently.

“What are you doing?” I asked him, pulling away.
“You know I love you,” Jack said, like it was that simple.
“B-But I...I don’t understand,” I fumbled, lacking focus in my drunken state.

“I fucking love you, Roxanne Dawson,” Jack said into my ear huskily. He kissed me on the side of the face again, turning me around in his arms to face him. We stared at each other for a moment before I looked away first.

“Jack. I think you should just stay away from me,” I said, trying desperately to find some sort of clarity to grab onto.

“I don’t want to stay away from you.”

“Jack, please. Just...don’t. you know that I - ” He cut me off halfway through my sentence by crushing his lips to mine. At first, I panicked, pushing at his chest in an attempt to get him off me. But before I knew it, the alcohol had taken over, everything felt hazy, like a gigantic blur, and I was kissing him back.