I'm Finding Me Out

Roxxie’s POV

“Roxxie!” The screams were louder than usual. I looked out at the crowds behind the barriers as Matt led me over to them, handing me a sharpie. The official meet and greet was later, but I didn’t want to let the others down. They’d all rushed out the back of the venue after the first show without me, hoping for a glimpse of the band. I’d already let them down. I could at least sign a few autographs.

I moved up the line signing whatever the fans held out to me. I signed shoes, socks, posters, CDs, people’s arms and legs, iPods and phones. Matt stayed with me the entire time, walking just behind me, acting as my personal security guard. Many of the fans asked how I was and did my arm hurt? and when will you play guitar again? I answered their questions honestly, telling them that my arm didn’t hurt any more, and that I’d been practicing guitar with the cast on, but it was proving to be difficult.

No one asked about my “break-up” with Jack, which I was grateful for. They’d all heard the news directly from the both of us on twitter. I didn’t want to make my relationship with Matt public too soon, fearing that the fans would react badly, and call me a slut, or beg me to get back with Jack. The whole situation was daunting, and I admit, terrifying.

After I signed as many things as I could, and reached the end of the line, I was taken back onto the bus, where the others were getting changed and eating after-show food, getting ready for the official meet and greet. “Roxxie!” Alex said, with a mouthful of food. “Where have you been?” I rolled my eyes at him and laughed. “I was out talking to the fans at the barriers. I felt bad because I couldn’t play tonight. You guys were great, by the way.”

Alex finished what he was eating and smiled, crossing the room to pull me into a hug. I hugged him back, paying close attention to where my cast was. I’d accidently hit way too many people with it already. “It wasn’t the same without you,” Alex whispered in my ear. How had he known that that was exactly what I wanted someone to say? After the show, everyone had been buzzing, saying how they’d pulled it off, how the band sounded great, how they sounded better than ever, all without me. It was discouraging, to say the least. I felt like they didn’t even need me in the band; Alex could play my guitar parts just fine.

“Thanks,” I said, trying not to cry. “You’ve gotta get playin’ already!” Alex said, pulling back and holding my shoulders, a big grin on his face. I shrugged. “I’ve been trying, Lex. It’s just really awkward with this cast.”

“I heard you playing in the back lounge,” Zack said from his place on the couch. “You can still play!” Alex furrowed his eyebrows at me. “Is that true?” I looked away from him, playing with my cast. I sighed, not wanting to tell him the truth. “Lex – I just, I can’t - ”

“What are you so scared of?” Alex cut me off. I looked up at him, the bus silent as his words hung in the air. What was I so scared of? Messing up. Letting people down. Not being good enough.

I remained silent. How could I even begin to explain? I was just being a coward. “I’m not scared of anything,” I said, but even to me, my voice sounded shaky. “Liar,” Alex said, our eyes locking. I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t be the one to look away first. “I’m not scared,” I said again. Alex raised an eyebrow at me. “Spit it out, Dawson,” he said. I narrowed my eyes at him. “Not a chance, Gaskarth,” I said, my voice sounding confident and level now.

“You’re scared you won’t be good enough.”

Alex and I both snapped our heads in Matt’s direction. My mouth flew open, and I closed it quickly, not wanting to give anything away. “That’s it?” Alex asked, as if it were nothing. “No…” I trailed off, suddenly nervous. I looked over at Matt, and he stared back at me, his brown eyes full of understanding. “How did you know?” I whispered. Matt half-smiled in that adorable way that he sometimes does. “Because I know you, Roxxie,” he said.

I smiled and ran to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. His arms found their way around my waist and he held me against him, looking down into my arms, the smile still on his face. “You can do it,” he told me. “Not with this cast,” I replied. “Don’t use that as an excuse just because you’re scared,” Matt told me. I frowned at him. “I’m not scared.” Matt just raised his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes and laughed, pushing him in the chest. He told hold of both my hands and held them on his chest, keeping them there. He looked me right in the eye and said: “You can do anything you want, Roxxie. I believe in you.”

And that was how Matt and the rest of the guys talked me into doing a short impromptu acoustic set at the official meet and greet fifteen minutes later. I was more than nervous. Matt looked up the video he’d put on youtube of Alex and I doing an acoustic version of Too Much weeks ago, to discover it had over one million views, and countless comments all saying the same thing: ‘I didn’t know Roxxie could sing! She’s amazing!’ It was a compliment, yes. But I didn’t want to get anybody’s expectations up, just to disappoint them.

When I entered the room for the meet and greet with the rest of the guys, about fifty excited fans all started talking to us at once. Alex, Jack, Zack, Rian and I all spread out in the room, talking to small groups of fans, really getting to know them, signing their merch and taking pictures with them. After about an hour of doing so, Matt called everyone over to the small temporary stage that the crew had set up. There were two stools and two microphones on stands. Matt handed Alex and I our acoustic guitars as we stepped onto the stage.

“Hey guys, we’ve got a special treat for you,” Alex said into his microphone, his guitar in his hands. I held my own guitar in sweaty palms, feeling more nervous than I had ever felt in my entire life. “As you all probably know, Roxxie had a pretty bad accident and has been out of action for the past few shows.” I couldn’t listen to it anymore; I had to speak for myself. I found Rian’s face in the crowd and looked at his reassuring smile as I leant towards my microphone.

“I’ve been practicing playing with this cast, and it’s really fucking awkward,” I said. The fans laughed and I cracked a smile, looking over at Alex, who beamed back at me. “Let’s just see how this goes,” I said, looking down at my guitar.

“You can do it, Roxxie!” A girl in the crowd called out. I heard other shouts of agreement and encouragement and thanked them, smiling and turning to Alex once more. “So,” he said. “I wanna know, by a round of applause, who here has seen the video of Roxxie and I’s rendition of Too Much on youtube?” The crowd erupted in cheers. Alex grinned. “What you guys don’t know, is that Roxxie and I wrote that song together, on our acoustic guitars.”

“It’s a special song to the both of us,” I cut in. “And it goes a little something like this.” I started to play, and hit the guitar with my cast a few times, messing it up, but I continued on anyway, trying my best. That was all I could do. Alex played along with me and we sung the duet without me stuffing up anymore. When we finished, the fans cheered even louder than they had last time. Nearly all of them held cameras, a flash going off in my face every few seconds.

We played Damned If I Do Ya, Dear Maria, Six Feet Under The Stars and Stay Awake acoustically as well, completing the set with only a few mistakes from me. By the end of it, I was feeling good. I’d managed to play and sing in front of around fifty people. After the first song, the nervousness I had been feeling had gone away, and I was able to play with minimal mistakes. After the set, Alex and I left the stage to continue mingling with the fans. Everyone congratulated me and praised my efforts.

It was amazing that all these people were being so supportive of me when I was going through such a difficult time. They didn’t just feel like fans, they felt like close friends and family, and I knew that they had my back, and I had theirs.

______

Back on the bus, on the way to the next city on tour, the environment had completely changed. It was like the start of tour all over again. Everyone was ecstatically happy and getting along like family, as we once had. Even Jack was happy. He’d been on his phone texting almost all the time; talking to the girl he’d met at the games arcade that night he’d taken off. Kelly had really changed him. He seemed happier than ever and was his usual bouncy and hyper self once again.

In the next city, I played with the band once again. Even with my stupid cast, I got through the entire set, with my favourite bright red electric guitar, head-banging included. Everything was falling into place.

Every show on the rest of the tour was amazing, and created memories that I would never forget. By the end of it, though, I think everybody was happy to be going home. When the bus driver started the engine for the last time, driving in the direction of Baltimore, everyone settled down for the journey, content with the way everything had turned out. We all gathered in the front lounge, drinks in hand. Alex stood up and raised his glass.

“Now, I know we all hate being sappy and sentimental and shit, but it needs to be said. This tour was probably one of the hardest and most emotionally draining tour we’ve ever been on. There’s been moments none of us will ever forget, and we’ve all gone through really hard times. BUT,I wouldn’t change any of it, guys. I wouldn’t change this life for anything. There were times when we all felt like killing each other on this tour and all of our relationships were tested, but we got through it. And if we can do that, we can do anything, together. To All Time Low, and the future ahead!”

Everyone raised their respective bottles and glasses and drank, letting Alex’s wise words hang in the air for a few moments, before someone put the music back on and we all started talking amongst ourselves on the long ride home. I turned to Matt, who had his arm around my shoulders. “Are you happy to be going home?” I asked him. He smiled. “I’m already home.”

“What?” I asked him, confused. His smile grew wider, if possible. “My home is with you,” he said, leaning towards me to kiss me softly. I smiled into the kiss and locked my arms around his neck, as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to him.