Change

I dreamt of us together, holding hands and smiling, laughing. Everything was okay. Until I woke up. That’s when it came crashing down on me, again. How could I be so stupid? Relying on Brendon so much was going to cause me to really fall for him, and I couldn’t let that happen. He was happily straight with a very pretty girlfriend. I was alone, gay, with no boyfriend.

Brendon took me to school that day, and the awkwardness didn’t come this morning. I was relieved about that, at least. It seemed normal, like the time I just randomly showed up at his door. Everything felt okay, except for the fact that I really liked him. I knew this would turn out bad… I had no self-control.

The day was dragging on, my English teacher was mindlessly droning on with monotonous lessons I couldn’t follow. I already had too much on my mind. Without thinking, I started writing down more words, more poetry. I couldn’t let this idea pass up. Eventually a kid named Pete looked over and saw what I was writing. I heard laughter behind me, but ignored it.

“Hey, faggot.” I turned around. Not again. Please no. I’ve been to many schools in my life with my father moving from job to job, losing each one by losing his god damned temper. Each place was the same. I kept to myself, someone instantly figured me out just by looking at me, as if he was God or something, and declared me an enemy simply because I was the “gay kid.” I hated it.

“You writing a love song for me?” He laughed along with his friends. God, I hated people so much. I could feel anger boiling within me. I was so close to going off on him, but something inside always held me back. I was always the one being pushed around because I never fought back. I just couldn’t. I don’t know why.

The teacher could hear whispers and laughter, and she looked over at me since I was the one turned the other way.

“Mr. Ross, is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

I froze when she said my name. “Uh… uh…”

“Go on faggot, tell show her you little song.” He whispered.

I didn’t speak; I didn’t move. I just sat there, frozen. That’s when the bell rang, and I sprinted out the door faster than humanly possible.

I heard one of them call out to me, but I was already too far down the now crowded hallway to hear. Still, it terrified me.

When lunch time came, I was about ready to just ditch school. I remembered that there were different lunch periods, and I decided to chance it and hope Pete and his little gang were in a different lunch. I put my books in my locker and headed to the cafeteria to meet with Brendon, Jon, and Spencer. I didn’t even want to think about Sarah being there.

“Hey, Ryan!” Spencer greeted me. He and I seemed to get along quite well, actually. Jon, on the other hand, didn’t seem too fond of me. I didn’t really care though. I wasn’t really the type of person that cared about what people thought. And I didn’t care if people thought I was a gay faggot, either. I was just afraid of what they’d do to me because of it.

I greeted Spencer, then everyone else, but Brendon could see something was definitely wrong. He had this look on his face smothered in worry and concern. Everyone else seemed to be oblivious of this, though. It did make me nervous though, that look he gave me, like he already knew what was happening.

-Brendon’s POV-

I was walking down the hallway to lunch when I overheard a group of people snickering about Ryan. I was appalled. He hadn’t done anything, right? I didn’t intervene, though. I recognized Pete and his gang, and I knew I couldn’t get involved with them, so I kept walking by. It irritated me to no end. They kept saying something about him being a “faggot.”

I finally got to lunch, thanking God Pete and his friends had the next lunch, and greeted Spencer and Jon. Sarah walked over and started clinging on to me again. I really liked Sarah and all, but the constantly clingy nature of her affection was aggravating as hell. It was as if she thought at any moment I’d just prance away to find some other girl. Ridiculous. Ryan was a bit late, and I got really worried. What if Pete stopped him in the hallway? Nah, they wouldn’t do anything to him yet, would they? I wouldn’t put it below them.

That’s when Ryan walked over, and I should have been relieved, but I saw a look of fear in his eyes that I had never seen before. I realized they must have already started harassing him. Great, just what he needed. More harassment. At least it wasn’t physical. Yet.

Ryan sat down next to me and across from Spencer. Jon rolled his eyes, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t like Ryan. He didn’t think he was gay or anything like Pete and his friends, but he just didn’t like Ryan at all. It bothered me – a lot more than it should have.

Since we were all together at lunch now, we went and got our food. Jon and Sarah did all of the talking. Spencer and I listened while Ryan nonchalantly played with his food. I just wanted to go home, and I’m sure Ryan did, too. When lunch was over, I couldn’t get Ryan out of my mind, still. I was just so god damned worried. Why was I so worried? Yeah, he was a nice guy and all, but I barely knew him. I let him stay in my house, and now I can’t get him off my mind. There was something wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was. I just figured it was my subconscious feeling sorry for the kid. Whatever.

-Ryan’s POV-

Brendon kept looking over me all during lunch. It was some what creepy, yet I was enjoying it. He didn’t really talk much today, which was really weird. He was usually the bubbly hyper one that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. I’d pity the fool that gave him anything caffeinated. I didn’t even participate in the conversations at all though. I barely heard them. My mind was on other things, mostly just Brendon, though.

I heard the bell ring. Ughhh, class. I did not want to go back there. I almost, again, considered skipping the second half, but I decided against it. I’d have nothing to do if I left, anyways.

Each class was the same to me. I didn’t feel like paying any attention to any of my surroundings, so I just sat there doodling, not writing. I wasn’t letting that happen again. Thank god that was just a scrap of paper and not the full notebook. If they found that, well I probably would have gotten the shit beat out of me. That’s the thing with people, they think if you’re even the least bit different than them, they have to beat the shit out of you. This is why I usually stayed in isolation.

It was weird – having friends to sit with at lunch. I was always the gay kid who sat in the corner, minding my own business, but Brendon changed that when I got here on the first day. Maybe that’s why I liked him so much. He gave me a chance when no one else ever did before. Well, he was extremely hot, too. Never mind that, though.

When school was finally over, I ran to my locker. I wanted to get out of here A.S.A.P. I continued running as I left the building, and waited by Brendon’s car. Not a good idea.

I saw Pete walking towards his car with some unidentifiable girl. Probably a girlfriend, or just someone he was going to fuck. I couldn’t care less. He saw me, though. The glare in his eyes was pure evil. I stood there, frozen, again.

He started laughing hysterically. “Is… is that Brendon’s car? Brendon Urie’s car? What are you doing with him of all people?”

I didn’t respond. My body wouldn’t work. Tons and tons of things to say flooded my mind, but none of the words could find a way to escape.

“Whatever, fag.” He said. That’s when Brendon came over. He saw Pete standing a few feet away from me, and immediately rushed over. Just great.

Pete didn’t care, though. He just left, laughing at us. “See ya later, faggots.” It was as if the only insult he actually knew was “faggot.” I was bored with him already. That’s when I saw the look on Brendon’s face. It was so sad, so empty. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hold him like he did the other night when my father died. We stood there in silence for a moment, unable to figure out exactly what to say.

“Maybe we should go now…”

He nodded and got in the driver’s seat. I followed suit and got in the passenger seat. I looked up at him again. He blankly stared at the road, probably not paying as close attention as he should. I didn’t care. I just watched the world outside the window, waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t. I needed to know why that word hurt him so much. I began to think, maybe he was gay. Maybe he was hiding it. Hell if I know. Whatever it was, I was going to find out.