When Fame Takes Its Toll

Heidi’s POV

It was Sunday morning, and I’m pretty shocked to realize that my break up with Derek didn’t affect me that much anymore, of course I still feel bad about our relationship and there’s still a part of me that wants him back, but I just feel… different. I can tell it’s really different this time, ‘cause in my past break-ups, It’s like I’m not even myself anymore, I’d either lock up myself in my room for a week or so, or won’t to talk to anyone, but this time, it’s like nothing happened, I wasn’t that affected anymore. Well, maybe because I’ve finally realized that Derek’s a huge douchebag, or maybe because I’m about to ‘hook-up’ with Alex Gaskarth, the guy I’ve always liked because of his humour. Honestly, I have no idea how my sister came up with that idea of setting me up with Alex, well of course she knew I like Alex for a looooong time, but I’ve never ever thought that I’m gonna do this to fuck someone up, though I feel pretty excited about this, about what would be Derek’s reaction if he knew I’m hooking up with Alex, but I still feel a little bit nervous. I’m afraid this won’t go right… But whatever, I’m Holly Heideny Lee, I’m a strong ginger and I can do this. No buts, no ifs. Ok just leave it like that.

I was waiting for Hayden to come since she promised me she’ll be spending the whole day with me to discuss the ‘plan’. She promised she’ll be here at 2pm, but it’s only one fifteen. Time felt so long, It’s like I’ve been waiting for hours, but I got no choice at all. I can’t just drop by at her house and grab her from her family, that’d be insane. Yes, she loves me a lot, but her family’s the most important thing that has ever happened to her, and no one and nothing could change that.

Two fifteen, Hade’s still not here. I sighed as I laid down on my bed again, looking up at the ceiling, still thinking about the plan… What if this will just fuck my life more? What if this could ruin Alex’s band or Derek’s band too? What if Derek still has his feelings for me and I’m just too insensitive to feel it? What if- I cut my stupid what-ifs thoughts when I heard a knock on the door that caused me to jump. I excitedly walked and opened it but then my jaw sort of dropped when I saw the person who I thought was Hayden. Derek Sanders.

“Hey babe… I just-“ I cut him off. “What do you want?” I asked him, trying to sound likeI’m not even impressed he’s here. Of course I’m impressed, but I’m just about to fuck him up, so why not start doing the plan? Maybe this could make the whole process easier.

“Can we talk? ‘cause I’d love to. Really.” He said, looking down on the floor, and I could see that he’s pretty sincere about it. I held his right hand with mine, looked him in his smoky green eyes, and pushed myself into him for a hug.

When I pulled myself from hugging him, he immediately leaned down and kissed me. He rested his hand on my waist and pulled me closer. The kiss got rougher and I wasn’t able to pull over anymore. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him on his left cheek. He started kissing my neck and started sucking on it. When he started unbuttoning my jeans, I pulled myself and cut it all off. “Derek, we have to talk.” He nodded and accompanied me to my bed. We both sat on it, still not letting go of each other’s hand. Without saying or hearing a word, I buried my head on his shoulder, and wasn’t able to help the tears from falling down.

“I’m sorry” he whispered to my ear as he rubbed my back, trying to calm me down and stop me from crying.

“Yea, me too, baby. I didn’t mean to shout at you over the phone and nothing is going on between me and Scott. We’ve been great friends since 8th grade and I’ve never ever cheated on you. You know I could never do that” I said, still burying my head on his shoulder. I laced my hands with his so tightly and rested my other hand on his waist. I knew it, I still wasn’t over him, I’ve loved him too much and I don’t think I can just let him go like that. He’s done a lot to me and it’s impossible for me to not have him as my boyfriend. I think. Yea, maybe we’d be forever, maybe we won’t last even just for a month, but what I’m sure is that right now, I couldn’t let him go, I just want him alone. Alone. I wanna start over with him.

“Mhmm” he nodded, covering my cheeks with his hands and started to kiss me again, but this time, he did it softly.

“So uhm… are we going to start over?” I asked as I pulled myself from the kiss. I was really hoping for a ‘Yes’ or just a nod. I want him back.

He didn’t nod or said anything, he just leaned down and kissed me again. I kissed him back, but I pulled over ‘cause he hasn’t answered my question. The question that has been going through my mind since he walked in here in my room. I was starting to feel nervous when he looked down on our hands. Then he shook his head. We’re done. We’re officially done, I hoped for nothing. He doesn’t wanna start over, he got sick of me.

I was really fighting the urge of crying but I failed. Tears has blurred my eyes and I couldn’t hold back anymore. He wiped my tears away but I slapped his hand. I wiped them all by myself and I couldn’t even look at him anymore. “Sor-“ I cut him off ‘cause I don’t even wanna hear that word. I’m sick of it, he says he’s sorry but he doesn’t wanna start over.

“Heid, we can still be friends, right?” he put some of my hair strands behind my ear and continued talking, thinking he could calm me down from this. “I mean, I couldn’t just ditch you like that. Of course I want us to be friends. Like we used to be… Things are gonna get better that way, I promise.” He said as he touched my face from my cheeks to my jaw. I still couldn’t manage to look at him, I’m too weak to do that. There were hundreds of questions that has been running through my mind, one of them is why doesn’t he want to start over. But I decided not to ask him, yes I still can say I can’t get over him, it’s not that easy, I care about him a lot. I shoved him from my bed, but when he went back and sat again, I shoved him harder and wasn’t able to hold myself back from screaming.

“FUCK OFF, DEREK! GET THE FUCK OUT MY FUCKIN’ ROOM! YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG! FUCK OFF DEREK! JUST FUCK OFFFF!” he mouthed an apology again but I didn’t care. He let go of my hands and started walking out of my room, but before he could reach my door, I held his wrist and when he turned to me, I slapped him really hard. Like really, really hard. I’ve never slapped someone this hard before. I shoved him out of my room and shouted him to fuck off again, I slammed my door behind him and locked it. I buried my face in my pillow and continued crying. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. I didn’t get up and just ignored it. “Holl, it’s just me, your sister!” I heard her say behind the door. I still didn’t get up and left her knocking and knocking. Suddenly, the knocking stopped and I was thinking that maybe Hayden got tired of doing it all over again without hearing any response from me. But then, my door opened and I looked up to Hade’s figure with the keys on her hasnd. I didn’t get up anyway, I just covered my face with my big pillow again. I thought she’s gonna shout at me again for letting her knock on my door for a few minutes, leaving her no response. But then, she laid on my bed and put her arms around me. She hugged me and rubbed my arms.

“I told you he’s a douche. Stop crying, bitch! Get up!” she laughed and we both got up being hysterical. I have no idea how she can turn me into hysterics especially when I’m like this. No one could do thsat, not even Derek. She wiped my tears on my cheeks and hugged me again.

“You know, don’t even dare to speak about it. I’m not interested at all. At all” she widened her eyes when she said those last two words. A small laugh escaped my lips and I looked into her baby blue eyes. “Hm. So are you still in for-“ I cut her off, knowing what she’s about to ask. “Yes. I’m hooking up with Alexander fuckin’ Gaskarth and gonna fuck Derek up!” I said in a ‘Fuck-Yeah!’ tone. She laughed and hugged me again. Her hugs make me feel a lot better. “Great! Oh by the way, take a look at thisss!” she excitedly said, handing me a small flesh envelope, still not taking off her smile. “OPEN IT! OPEN IT!” she commanded me.

I opened the envelope and took out the paper in it and realized it is a letter. The handwriting isn’t familiar to me, so I started reading it, I was a bit nervous and all, but that didn’t make me stop from reading it.

'Hey Heid,

Well, you may not be aware of this but we’ll be participating in MTV’s ‘The Big Show’, it’s a new event and it’ll consist lots of bands and artists to perform, and there’ll be special audience. The event manager gave us 6 tickets for the show to give it to someone who we want to be there. So, I’m giving the two to you and Hayden. I’ve always been interested in getting to know you, Heid, and maybe this could help me in doing so. So yeah, I’m hoping I could see you two there. I promise to make our set worth-watching, just for you, Heid. ;)

Alexander William Gaskarth'

I freaked out when I read his name, I thought it was just frfom someone I knew a long time ago, I thought it was an old friend, but when I saw his full name, my eyes widened and I looked at Hayden, still smirking on me.

“The start of something newww” she sang to me, with the tune of a song from that High School Musical movie. Ugh, corny Disney bitch.

“I’m gonna do it” I nodded with a smile. I couldn’t wait for this. I can’t believe that a few minutes later, I was almost out of my mind because of Derek, but now, I’m happy again, I couldn’t wait to fuck Derek up. I have the weirdest moodswings, but I guess that’s what makes it all interesting at all.