We Can't Forget Last Summer

Waking up in an unfamiliar bed was a strange revelation to me, yet an extreme nostalgia hung in the air over it. The white comforter covering my bare body was cold and damp; the least bit comfortable. As my eyes peeled upon I noticed how the bed frame creaked at the simple, steady shift of my leg. I dragged my leg back to it's original spot and curled back up, staring at the white, surely cold pillow next to me.

The smell in the air consisted of loneliness and a desire I couldn't quite place. I found my fingers playing carelessly with the hem as my eyes nervously flickered around the room. It wasn't that I didn't know where I was-it was Kenny's house-it was just that the powerful familiarity of this situation dawned on me as something so haunting.

It took me to being in high school again. It reminded me of the person I used to be. The one before I came to Arizona. The girl who was in trouble every where she went. And so, lying here in this bed, all alone, I determined that I had to pick and choose aspects of the old me to be. I could easily gravitate back to who I used to be. There were horrible qualities to me that changed once I got here. There were strong qualities that I lost when John was thrown into the mix.

I knew who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be the girl who resented everyone. The one who was cold hearted. The one who couldn't find herself in a disastrous area.

I was, however, going to be the one that didn't let a man dictate her life. I was going to be the independent, fierce hearted girl. I had her in me. I just needed to dig her out.

When the sun's light ran through the window's blinds I knew getting up was what I had to do. Yet, I closed my eyes once again, ignoring the light, and giving into whoever's bed this was. I didn't have much time to do so, though. The door opened slightly and a head peered into the room. A light voice said, "Carson?"

My eyes flashed open to find Austin carefully walking into the room with hesitant steps. Suddenly, I was awake and sitting up. I leaned against the headboard and gave him a light smile, "Hey."

I watched as the dimples on his cheeks presented theirselves. He was smiling and I hadn't realized until now that it was a smile that I had missed. He walked around to my side of the bed and sat down gently. For a moment, he didn't say anything. I couldn't help looking at his hand placed on my leg. He squeezed it lightly, and I found my hand wandering down and taking hold of his.

Finally, he said something. "It was a dick move."

His voice wasn't like it usually was. He didn't call out John's action. Instead, he simply gave in. He admitted the truth in a fashion that was, well, caring. I watched him intently, hoping that he would speak before I had to in any way. I didn't know how to respond to something like that. I mean, I was fully aware of what happened despite my horrid and pounding head ache.

"He loves you, Carson. Can't you see that? Can't you see how deeply he cares for you? I saw it. I saw it the second he looked at you in that tent."

It hurt to hear it. It hurt to hear Austin talk about how someone else loved me. I spoke with a shaky breath, "How do you feel about me? Be honest."

Austin pressed his lips together. I expected his eyes to flicker off to some meaningless location in the room like they always did when you brought something sensitive up. But they didn't. They remained on me.

"I knew you were John's from the moment I met you. I told you that. I knew you were using me to make John jealous even if you didn't realize what you were doing."

I didn't love Austin. It was beyond clear in my mind. Austin wasn't the one I was going to be with. Yet, I couldn't help but fear a stabbing pain in my heart at the thought of him having feelings towards me. And I, the monster who used him, leave in happiness. I couldn't do that to a friend. I couldn't do that to him.

"You're not answering." I muttered, looking down.

Austin scooted closer, taking hold of my hands and leaned his forehead against mine. "He'll take care of you. I wouldn't. Wasn't that displayed enough when we went out? It doesn't matter how I feel."

I raised my head abruptly, "It matters to me, alright? I can't hurt you."

He let go of my hands and backed away. "You're not hurting me. I'm not a relationship guy, anyway. I've never been."

"John wasn't a relationship guy either."

That shut Austin up for a minute. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled heavily. "He wants to marry you someday. I don't."

"He was drunk."

Austin rolled his eyes, "For a smart girl you can be pretty naive sometimes, Carson." He laughed, shaking his head. "He may not want to marry you now. But he will. Someday. Mark my words."

I didn't respond, which left Austin only saying this on his way out of the room. "I was right the first time, wasn't I?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I found Rod and we left before most people woke up. I didn't bother trying to find John. I'm sure I'll have to see him later anyway. Most of the car ride home was quiet, but after awhile I gave in and reluctantly told Rod what happened. He wasn't happened, to say at the least.

When I got home, I took a shower and changed into sweatpants and a tank top. I casually laid around the house for most of the day, thinking about my conversation with Austin and the one I was going to have to have with John.

I just wanted to be happy and I was with John. Couldn't that be enough?

It was three o'clock in the afternoon when there was a knock on the front door. I got up from the kitchen table, leaving my book and cup of tea in a wake and started for the door. Rod darted out in front of me from the hallway before I could even leave the room.

He looked at me, not angry, but certainly not happy. "I need to talk to him."

"Rod-" I began.

He shook his head, looking me in the eyes. "Please. Just let me talk to him."

Something told me Rod wasn't going to scream. He wasn't going to try to throw punches. He wasn't going to start a huge argument. He was going to be himself. My savior, in a way.

I swallowed the knot in my throat and nodded my head limply. He told me to go somewhere so that the two of them could get some privacy. I let out of breath and sat up on the kitchen counter, truly refusing to accept his demand. I sat on the counter, my arms wrapped around my legs, and listened as Rod opened the door.

I could hear John's voice perfectly, "Is Carson here?"

"Yeah. But I need to talk to you first."

John didn't speak for a second, then let out a hefty breath. "Look, I know what I did last night was just wrong. And I was drunk and I did something really shitty and-"

Rod cut him off, "Haven't you realized by now that you can't make mistakes with her? You can't let her down. It's not a problem with her, either. It has nothing to do with who she is. It's you. It's everyone. We can't let this girl get away."

"I know. I know exactly, I just-"

Once again, he was stopped, "You didn't see her in Nevada, John. You didn't see this girl just fall down step after step. She was in a spiral. It was terrifying. I hardly knew her in a way, yet I cared so deeply about her. You didn't see her cry. You didn't see her worrying about you. You didn't see her walking through life as if hers was already over. You don't know her parents. You don't know the hell. You don't know my brother. Okay? You don't know that lifestyle and the effect it has on you."

John didn't say anything.

"She was a fucking wreck after seeing you at that show. I mean, even when I first met her I knew something was wrong. She would never admit any of it, though. She's stronger than any of us and that's what led to her downfall, I guess. And now, she's back where she belongs yet she still is being drove crazy by you. You should have seen her when she saw you with Mel. You know, when we were driving back down here she said she wasn't coming back for you. And she's right. She was coming back to the place she loves. And you were just like a bonus. You have somehow managed to make her miserable in the one place she loves."

Both of them didn't say anything. My whole body shook and my gripped on the counter top loosened. I found myself steadily taking steps down. I moved towards the corner of the kitchen and looked out of the door frame to see John looking at the floor, wiping his eyes. He then looked up, locking eyes with Rod.

He then grabbed Rod's shoulders aggressively, "I mean this when I say it, okay? I really truly mean it."

John sucked in a breath and it wasn't until now did I notice his red eyes. "I owe you fucking everything. I can't thank you enough for being there for her. I can't say how much I love you for being there when she needed you. Thank you for hugging her. Thank you for kissing her. Thank you for being the only damn person with a right mind. Thank you. Thank you. I am in debt to you, alright? I love her and I loved her then. I was just an idiot. I thought she was gone. I thought I lost the only real thing I ever had. And you kept her alive. You brought back the girl that I thought had vanished. And you're right, I'm a dickhead. I'm a dickhead for fucking with her mind. I know and it's just that she's the only one. And the thought of her in Nevada the way that she was, makes me so sick."

John's hands fell to his sides. "Fuck, man."

"Fuck." Rod laughed lightly, sniffling.

I took a steady step forward, feeling as if I could fall at any moment. My hands were shaking as I took a step away from the kitchen's tile floor and onto the smooth carpet. John looked up, and now I got a good look at his watery eyes. His head moved to the side, "God, Carson." He let out a breath and took a stride towards me.

I took three, large, quick steps to him and fell into his arms, gripping at his leather jacket. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Car." He whispered. "I know I'm a fuck up."

"Shh." I whispered and only hugged him tighter.

I would have never thought that I would have the boy who wolf whistled at me in my arms. I never thought that the guy who irritated to me beyond belief would be the one that I wanted. I wouldn't have ever guessed that the boy who I left behind would be the one I'd have right now.

When he pulled away, I grabbed Rod's arm and pulled him into me. I kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair. "I love you, kid."

He rubbed his eyes and pursed his lips, hiding his fantastic grin. "Everyone loves me."

I paused for a moment, then nodded my head. "Then go have her tell you that."

Rod's eyes lit up for a moment, then he shook his head. I watched as he looked down, his shoulders falling. "I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting to be with someone for something else other than sex. It's weird."

"It's worth it." John muttered, his arm wrapping around my waist.

"And what about your brother?" Rod raised an eyebrow.

I shrugged, "All's fair in love and war, right?"

Rod grinned and with one motion, grabbed his coat off the rack, his keys and darted out the door. Once he was gone, I found myself hugging John once again, burying my head into his chest. "I love you so much." I muttered.

He smoothed my hair and kissed me on top of my head. "I really am sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I didn't chase after you either."

I shook my head and looked at him. I held his face in my heads and said, "John, I'm okay with it. I had someone clear some things up."

He bit his lip, nodding his head. "I'm in love with you."

"I know you are."

He shook his head, "No, I don't think you get it. I don't think I've ever been more in love with you than right now. I can't see myself without you. I don't want to see myself without you."

My lips crashed onto his. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He steadily walked to my room-this time not crashing into a wall-and gently placed me down on my bed. I watched with soft eyes as he closed the door and took off his shirt. He climbed over me, his hands moving under my shirt.

"Wait." He stopped himself and moved back. I watched him think to himself for a moment. "Can I take you somewhere?"

I shrugged, then made a face. "I thought we were going to...."

He smiled and let out a light laugh. "We can. Just come with me."

I took his hand, put on my shoes and sweatshirt before leaving with him. The drive was fifteen minutes long and I continued to pester him about where we were going the entire time. He wouldn't budge. Instead, he only turned the music a little bit louder with a mischievousness smile.

When he pulled down a dirt path I knew exactly where we were. A smile brushed across my lips and a dry laugh fell out. "The camping site?" I asked.

He nodded his head and grinned. "Do you know how badly I wanted to kiss you at the lake?"

I bit my lip, "I wanted to kiss you too."

He glanced over at me before parking the car. "Now we can."

The place was empty, which was weird considering the last time I had been here was packed with tents and pick up trucks. John and I walked hand in hand towards the lake. It was around sunset by the time we sat down at the lake. John looked over at me, brushing his hand against my neck and then leaning in for a kiss. Every hair on my body stood up, screaming delight. It was so wonderful. He was so wonderful.

"I have to tell you something." he pulled away.

My eyes lifted, "Yeah?"

He pursed his lips for a moment before letting out a hefty breath. "I'm leaving next week. Wednesday, to be exact."

My heart twisted in my chest. "Where to?"

"Europe."

It was then that I knew this was going to be a long trip. I couldn't complain, though. John had been home for a very long time. I licked my lips hastily, nodding my head. "How long?"

He didn't respond right away. He brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and gave me a weak, comforting smile, "Three months."

The wind didn't hit me for I was already expecting it. I nodded my head stiffly and accepted the fact. "Well I guess I can't leave your side until then, right?"

"I don't want you to leave my side at all. Not once."

I nodded my head, "That sounds like a good plan to me."

A grin presented itself on his lips. "So, when I go into the water you're going to follow me...."

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm not too sure about that, bud."

He then stood up and pulled off his shirt. I found myself scanning his upper torso and practically drooling. My whole body started to flutter when he said, "Remember when I said we can finish what we were doing?"

I was nearly in a frenzy now, "In the water?"

He held out his hand, which I reluctantly took. We stood inches apart as he stripped from the rest of his clothes. "Come on."

He then ran, butt naked, into the water. My heart was pounding and my cheeks were red hot. I found myself slowly taking off my shirt, then pants, then bra, then underwear......

I ran at a full speed, crashing into the water. John's arms enveloped around me. I dunked underwater, bringing him with me. When we reached the surface, he kissed my shivering lips.

"Shit, it's cold."

John raised an eyebrow as he pulled his body closer to mine. I wrapped my legs around his torso. I then whispered into his ear, "Please tell me that at some point you covered?"

He grinned, "Don't worry. I got it."

The next thing I knew my heart was pounding and my insides were shaking. We were all alone, in the middle of nowhere, so I wasn't too embarrassed to shriek with joy. John let out moans of wonder and I gripped at any open location of skin. We floated as one. We were one.

When it was over, I ducked underwater, opening my eyes to view the vast underworld of this somewhat random lake. I stretched my arms wide, allowing the cool water to take over me. I was at peace once I returned to the surface. It was nearly dark out by now and normally, I'd be afraid to be in the nature's water this late at now. But a sense of comfort was filling me. It reminded me of sleeping on the beach with John in California.

I swam over to him. He floated on the surface of the water with eyes closed and a content smile on his lips. I floated on my back with him. His fingers wrapped around mine and suddenly, it was like everything was okay again. It was like I could go on.