Some Say This Can't Be Real.

I had a feeling that if I didn’t go under my own free will, Brian would appear out of nowhere and force me to go. I shuddered at the thought as I exited my car and slowly walked up the short stone path. My finger hovered over the buzzer to his apartment.

“Lisa, what’s wrong with you? Just fucking do it,” I said to myself.

My hand was shaking, my whole body was shaking. Before I finalized the decision to run away, I pressed the button. A few seconds passed with no word. I didn’t even wait a full minute before telling myself that nobody was home, and using it as an excuse to run.

“Yeah?” the distorted voice blared through the speaker. Distorted, but I recognized it.

I pressed the button. “Johnny?” I asked quietly.

“Maybe, depends who you are.”

I paused, taking a deep breath before pushing the button. “It’s…It’s Lisa.”

No voice responded, just a loud buzz from the door. I opened it, walked in and climbed the stairs to the second floor. I found his apartment, and stood outside the door. Fear gripped my stomach and twisted it every way imaginable. I tapped lightly on the door, and almost as if he was there waiting, the door opened a split second later. I looked at my brother, he hadn’t really changed, except for a few more tattoos and a new hairstyle. Both of us were speechless. Seeing him there brought tears to my eyes, and once again, I instantly felt horrible for leaving them all. Johnny knew what I was thinking, and he stepped forward to embrace me. He hugged me tightly to which I responded by crying into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

“Come on in, it’s fine,” he whispered back.

I followed him into his apartment, into his living room where he motioned for me to sit on his couch. It didn’t take me long to compose myself after he offered me a bottle of water.

“Were do I even begin?” he asked, pulling a chair up across from me.

“I don’t know either.”

“You left so suddenly. Without a word to anybody. We all tried contacting you anyway we could.”

“I just wanted to disappear from here and start a new life.”

“Why?”

“I can’t say. Things happened, and I couldn’t take it anymore. You know how Brian liked to give me hell.”

“He drove you to leave?”

“Johnny, I didn’t know what else to do. Everything he said to me, everything he did to me. I absolutely hate him.”

“So why suddenly show up three years later?”

“I heard about Jimmy, and I needed to see his grave with my own two eyes to believe it, as well as to get closure. I had every intention to visit his grave and leave again but…I ran into Brian at the cemetery…” I paused. “He threatened me, saying that if I didn’t come see you under my own free will that he would personally bring me here.”

“Sis, you need to tell me what really happened between you and him.”

“No. I repressed the memories, and don’t want to relive them.”

“So what now then?”

“I don’t know.” I stopped to finally look him in the eyes. A moment later, I went and hugged him. “I’m so sorry about Jimmy,” I whispered to him.

He hugged me back. “I know, we all are.”

We held each other for a moment before taking back our seats. “So what are you going to do?” I asked.

“Taking some time off obviously. Then we have the new album to record. Afterwards, we don’t know.” It was his turn to pause. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“What are you up to? Where are you living? Everything.”

“I’ve been living in Chicago. I found a few friends from high school there, and we brought together a band that I drum for. Not huge, but we get some shows, and enough money to live off of.”

“So you’re going back?”

“I don’t know to be honest. I might.”

“I have an extra bedroom here, so you know you’re more than welcome.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. Either way, I would have to go back and get my stuff and ship it here. I just don’t want to stay though.”

“Why not? Does it all have to do with Brian?”

“Pretty much.” I hung my head.

“Well I’m not going to make you tell me, but we’ll try talking to him to see if we can figure it out. I’d really like it if you stayed. I missed you.”

“I missed you too. So many times I wanted to come back, but I couldn’t face you all after disappearing. I don’t know why, I just didn’t want to be ridiculed I guess.”

“All we would’ve asked you was why you left, just like now.”

I shrugged. He had a point, and I never fully figured out why I didn’t want to come back. The only main reason I could come up with was that I didn’t want to see Brian.

“I honestly don’t know,” I said. “I don’t really know why I did it, why I stayed away, and why I didn’t want to come back, other than not wanting to see Brian.”

“I guess I understand. Whatever you decide to do though, will you please stay in touch with me at least?”

I nodded. “I will.”

“Good to hear…” Johnny trailed off into a pause. “So…what now?”

“I should start heading back.”

“You don’t wanna go say hi to the others? Matt, Val, and Zacky all miss you too.”

“Not really. Feel free to tell them you saw me, I don’t care. It’s easier for me this way.”

“Alright. Do you want something to eat? A place to stay the night? Anything?”

To be honest, I would’ve loved to spend the night here and head out fresh in the morning, but I ran the risk of seeing the others. Given that Brian probably has already run his mouth telling them all that I’m in town, they would be running to come find me. I shook my head.

“No, but thanks for the offer. I need to just disappear again right now. At least to let myself get my head straight.” I looked at my brother again, who wore a saddened expression.

“Alright. I can’t force you. Just know that you have my number, you know where I live, and I’m here for you. We’re not leaving anytime soon.” I nodded in acknowledgement and followed him to his door. “It was really good to see you, and know that you’re still alive.”

I nodded again. “Same.” I turned to give him a hug before I walked away. “Love you, Johnny.”

“Love you too, sis.”

When I got back into my car, I felt relieved. Deep down inside be, beyond my hatred for Brian, I was thanking him for making me go see Johnny. As I sped out of the town for the state boarder, my thoughts began to wander again. I was now faced with a pretty big dilemma.