Some Say This Can't Be Real.

-Brian’s POV-

A few weeks passed and February turned into March. I still hadn’t gone home, nor have I talked to any of the guys since I left. I didn’t go very far, just up north a bit so I knew I’d be away just far enough. The time away had given me a lot of time to clear my head about a lot of things. Not just about Lisa, but about Jimmy’s death too.

The loss of my best friend was something that still was affecting me greatly. It was just too unreal to me. I hid it from the guys well that I was hurting. There were nights if I was alone that I had wanted to just end my own life to join him. I knew it wasn’t worth it though. When I left, I brought my guitar and paper to hopefully figure out how to get my depression out of me in a better way. It took the entire time to perfect the song, but when it was done, I felt a lot better. Felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I felt like a new person, and decided to head back after being gone for almost three weeks.

While driving back, my mind began to race about Lisa and Zack, and I knew I had to just accept that she was dating him. It was worthless to keep trying to make her mine, and making her life miserable wasn’t going to help the situation. As I entered Huntington and drove towards Zack’s apartment complex, I called him.

“Brian, where the hell have you been?” he answered in a groggy sounding whisper.

“I went away, duh. I’m almost to your complex, can we talk?”

I heard rustling for a moment before he answered. “Yeah, sure, just wait outside and I’ll come meet you.”

“She’s over, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she is. She’s asleep, that’s why I’m coming outside,” he said defensively.

“I’ll be outside in about ten minutes,” I said before disconnecting the line.

Just like I said, ten minutes later, I pulled into the complex, parked and stepped out of my car. I didn’t see Zack, so I leaned against my car door, lighting up a cigarette. I stared off into space for a while, completely lost until Zack’s voice startled me. He was already a little frustrated that I had woken him up, adding to the look of a hangover.

“You could’ve told me you were hungover and I wouldn’t have come by,” I said before taking a last drag from my cigarette and stomping it out.

“Nah, it’s fine. I really just wanted to talk about everything,” he said, refusing the offer for a smoke. “Where did you even go anyways?”

“Up north. It really helped me a lot. I got a lot of my thoughts straightened out and everything, and I even wrote a song. I feel almost like a whole new person,” I rattled off.

“Really? Well, I guess that’s good news.” He leaned against the building, crossing his arms over his chest.

I shoved my hands in my pockets. “I’m really sorry about how I’ve been about you and Lisa too. I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m happy for you guys, really. The reason I’ve been this way was because my life was just spiraling down after Jimmy died. It was just hurting everything in my life, and obviously hurting everyone around me. There were nights when I just wanted to kill myself to end this shit. Being away though, it gave me a chance to think about it, and I just…I feel so refreshed now.”

“Good to hear. So, do we need to do an intervention with you? The three of us wanted to just sit and talk to you about everything…as grown men.”

I shook my head. “Nah. I’m good now, I promise.”

“Well, I’d bring you up to talk to her, but she’s still knocked out. We all drank a lot last night.”

“I’ll shoot her a text later or something-or not,” I cut myself off as I caught movement from behind Zack. Lisa emerged, looking even worse than Zack did.

“Brian?” She arched an eyebrow, looking at me. “When did you get back?” she asked, standing close to Zack.

“A few minutes ago. I came to apologize for everything, again. I just had so much going on in my head, and Jimmy’s death was affecting me a lot, being the root cause for everything. I promise from here on out, things will be completely different.”

She narrowed her eyebrows. “Like I haven’t heard that before," she said flatly.

“They will. I’m happy for you guys, I really am, and I can only ask for your forgiveness again.”

“I’ll think about it and get back to you,” she said. “I’m going back inside.”

I sighed as she turned and headed back in. I looked towards Zack, who was slightly bug-eyed. “That went well,” he said.

“Well, I understand why she won’t forgive me right away.”

“I’m sure she’ll come around. Just give it some time.”

“I just wish I could show everyone how guilty I really feel. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve to be around here anymore.”

“Don’t say that. Look, we all have mixed feelings about everything right now, but it’s not like we’re gonna tell you to leave us alone and get out of the band or anything. Of course, unpleasantness occurred, and it shocked us, but you’re still our best friend, and still an important part of this band. The reality is that we need to forget it happened and move on, even if it’s not an easy thing to do.”

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, true. Well, I’ll let you go back to sleep. I have stuff to take care of, and…yeah. Come over later if you wanna hear the song. I’ll play it for you guys.”

“Just let me know what time, and I’ll see what’s up. See ya later, Bri.”

I gave him a half-hug before turning to head back to my place. Figuring that everyone else would still be asleep from drinking, I just pulled out my phone and sent a mass text message. I’m back, I feel great, and I wrote a song while I was away, so come by tonight if you wanna hear it.

Back at my place, I got settled back in, re-organized, and put away the groceries that I bought on the way. After sifting through three weeks worth of mail, I then just sat on my couch with the TV on to relax. Night fell, and eventually Johnny, Matt, Zack, and even Mike showed up. After a deep conversation, everything seemed to be put into a better perspective for me. Being around them was still going to feel uneasy for a while, but I was glad to have confirmation that they were still my brothers till death. Once it was settled, Matt urged me to play the song, so I grabbed my acoustic, and did so while Johnny held a video camera.

Never feared for anything. Never shamed but never free. A light that healed a broken heart, with all that it could. Lived a life so endlessly. Saw beyond what others see. I tried to heal your broken heart, with all that I could. Will you stay, will you stay away forever?

How do I live, without the ones I love? Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned. Place and time, always on my mind. I have so much to say, but you’re so far away.

Plans of what our futures hold. Foolish lies of growing old. It seems we’re so invincible, the truth is so cold. A final song, a last request. A perfect chapter laid to rest. Now and then I try to find, a place in my mind. Where you can stay, you can stay awake forever.

How do I live, without the ones I love? Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned. Place and time, always on my mind. I have so much to say, but you’re so far away.

Sleep tight, I’m not afraid. The ones that we love are here with me. Lay away a place for me, cause as soon as I’m done, I’ll be on my way. To live eternally.

How do I live, without the ones I love? Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned. Place and time, always on my mind. And the light you left remains, but it’s so hard to stay. When I have so much to say, and you’re so far away.

I love you, you were ready. The pain is strong and urges rise. But I’ll see you, when it lets me. Your pain is gone, your hands untied. So far away, and I need you to know. So far away, and I need you to, need you to know.

I looked at the four of them when I was done. They all were stunned, and I could see the sadness in their faces. It was painful to write, and painful to perform, but they loved it. We did a lot of album talk afterwards, knowing that we wanted to make this record as a tribute to our fallen brother. Two months have passed since we lost him, and we all agreed that we were slowly beginning to heal, as well as agreeing that we needed to keep going forward for the fans, and for Jimmy. He wouldn’t have wanted us to give up doing what we love, and we weren’t going to. It was going to be a new Avenged Sevenfold, reborn from tragedy, showing to our fans that we wouldn’t give up on them. It was going to be painful for a while, but there was so much support flying towards us from everybody, that we couldn’t just give up on our friends, our family, and our fans.

It somehow felt that at this very moment, I was reborn. I wasn’t going to dwell on the past anymore. Instead I was going to look forward to the future, and have my best friends beside me the whole way.

“Fuck, I love you guys,” I said, breaking the awkward silence that had suddenly fallen.

We shared a group hug before the guys left for the night. I was exhausted, so I went right into the shower, threw on a pair of basketball shorts, and then climbed into bed. As I was almost asleep, my phone vibrated. I looked at the lit display to determine if I was just going to ignore it or actually answer it. Lisa’s name flashed under the text message indicator, so I flipped it open.

I’m sorry.

I wondered what she could be apologizing about, so I replied asking her why, and got her answer after quite a long wait.

For everything. Leading you on, and then hurting you when I chose Zacky. I wanted to be with him the whole time, but something about you would drag me away. I’ll forgive you if you’ll forgive me, and we’ll try again at being friends.

I replied with a simple ‘deal’ before closing my phone and putting it on silent before setting it on my nightstand. I was about to fall asleep when I saw the dim light through my eyelids. Another reply from Lisa.

Can I come over to talk for a bit? Or you going to sleep?

I wanted to tell her I was going to sleep, but I knew that if my mind raced about this, I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. I replied telling her my address, and that I’d be outside waiting. Once she confirmed, I climbed out of bed and pulled on a t-shirt. I paced my living room for a bit, hoping that this wouldn’t blow up in my face, then I headed down to my building’s front door. I propped it open with a rock before lighting up a cigarette and leaning against the brick wall to smoke it. I was almost lost in space, taking a few long drags and inhaling the nicotine when she seemed to emerge out of nowhere, making me jump. I took a glance at her, noting she was in the same pajamas she was wearing this morning, and even though she wouldn’t make eye contact with me, I could tell that the area around her eyes was puffier than normal, like she’d been crying.

“Jumpy?” she asked, laughing a bit.

“Well it’s like ten, it’s dark, and it’s quiet,” I laughed back before taking one last drag. “So, what would you like to talk about?” I asked as I placed the butt in the trashcan.

“The long text I sent you a bit ago.” She still refused to look me in the eyes which to me either showed a sign of weakness on her part, or that she couldn’t look at me without being disgusted. For obvious reasons, I went with the latter.

“Oh?”

“When I do think about it, I did lead you on a bit. I’m not saying that I never wanted to date you, but I knew how Zacky feels towards me, and how he still does feel. That’s why I chose him…” she explained, poking at a crack in the cement with the toe of her shoe. “The reason why I hesitated was because that every time I talked to you, I felt like you were going to convince me otherwise. I did get those feelings, that I was going to say yes to you, but it was just going to dig a deeper hole for all of us, and I just needed to stop before it blew up.”

“I understand. Listen to me for a sec. I do like you, a lot, but now I accept the fact that you chose him and not me. After I was able to clear my mind about what was bothering me the most, I was able to accept the fact.” I paused to light up another cigarette. “My time away helped me so much, as well as talking with the guys earlier tonight. I want things to look up from here. I know it’s not easy to really forget about what I did, but I want us to do so, and put it behind us.” I took a drag and left it between my lips. “Do you think we can do that?”

There was a long pause before she finally looked up and met my eyes. I was then able to notice how bad she really looked. Her eyes were bloodshot and red, and the flesh surrounding was indeed puffier than normal. She had been crying, for a while. I almost wanted to ask, but I kept my mouth shut. I knew then that her earlier refusal for eye contact was a sign of weakness.

“I think we can, if you promise not to try anything physical with me again.”

“You have my word, and if it does, then I will go away myself and just disappear. For good,” I said while trying to be as convincing as I could be.

“Then I think we have a deal,” she said as a smile slowly spread across her face.

I stepped towards her to give her a hug, but she stepped back. Then I realized that she wasn’t too fond of the smell of cigarette smoke. I grasped the smoke between two fingers, holding my hand up high and offering a side hug. She obliged, wrapping her arms around me from the side as I wrapped my other arm over her shoulders.

“Were you crying?” I asked, finally being unable to hold it back.

“I figured you’d notice,” she said as she stepped away. “Yeah, my mind has just been racing all day. After Zacky left to come here, I sat in silence and just thought about everything. When I came to the realizations that I had, I pretty much had a breakdown.”

I couldn’t think of how to respond besides with a simple ‘oh.’ I felt bad, and the moment suddenly became awkward. After a last drag of my cigarette, I threw the butt in the trash with the other one.

“I’m fine now though,” she said, breaking the silence.

“That’s good.”

“I’m glad we were able to talk things out, and I hope things really do stay this way. I’ll let you get to bed now, because I know you’re tired.”

“I’m glad too. I didn’t think you’d forgive me after a second time, especially with the raised tension earlier today.”

“Yeah, but like I said, I had time to think.”

My mind wandered a bit when she mentioned Zack, and for some reason I thought about her already living with him and stuff. It still did hurt that she chose him over me, but I did accept it, and soon would be over it.

“That’s good…” I trailed off for a bit. “Well, I am gonna head to bed now. I’m pretty exhausted after traveling and stuff.”

“Kay. I’ll talk to you soon then. I’d like to hear the song you wrote someday.”

“Talk to your brother, he recorded it earlier. Okay, I’m going to bed now.” I laughed a little, extending the offer for another hug.

She accepted the offer and I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me. “Goodnight,” she said. “And just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean we can’t be best friends.”

I couldn’t resist my next move. As I said goodnight to her, I pressed my lips softly against the side of her head, giving a gentle kiss. I had no intentions of making it anything more than an affectionate sign of friendship. “I’ll talk to you later, and I’m glad too that we can be friends again.”

I released her from my arms and we went our separate ways. She headed to her car, and I went upstairs, right into bed, instantly falling asleep.