Some Say This Can't Be Real.

The week I spent with my brother was great, but I was happy to be back with my boyfriend. There wasn't a lot of time left before they were due to go on a European tour. We were sitting out on that one, and while they were gone, I was going to try and fill in for him at his office. A few times during the tour we would sit and he would talk about it, about what there was to do, and some basic pointers. There wasn't a lot to it, so he was confident that I would be okay. Right now I was just happy that we could share a real bed again, and that we could have privacy and not have to worry about people hearing us or anything.

It was nice to just be able to wake up in his arms. I laid there for the longest time, just feeling the warmth of his body against mine. Listening to his breathing as he slept, and feeling the softness and comfort of the bed and blankets that covered our bodies. I smiled as I shifted a bit and his arms pulled our bodies even closer together. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep again until it felt like my stomach flipped over and a wave of nausea washed over me. “Shit,” I cursed with a whisper. I didn't want to wake him, but I also didn't want to ruin his bed. “God damnit,” I groaned as I pulled myself to the edge of the bed.

“Lisa?” I heard his sleepy voice call after me as I ran out of the room and turned into the bathroom. I was hovering over the porcelain bowl, heaving the contents of my stomach into it, trying to hold my hair back by myself. “Baby? You okay?” Zack's voice came soothingly as he held my hair with one hand and rubbed my back with the other.

My only response was a groan as I tried to think about what I ate last night. I remembered cooking a seafood dinner for both of us. Once I was able to breathe, I sat back against the tub, holding my head in my hands. “I don't think the fish was cooked all the way,” I muttered.

“Hmm, I feel fine,” he said as he filled a cup with water.

“My luck gave me the one bad piece in the whole bunch I bet.”

I took the water from him and downed it before getting up to brush my teeth and wash my face. The nausea had soon disappeared and I was still tired so I went back to lay down. Zack said he was going to stay up, but he still laid down next to me until I fell back to sleep. I slept for a few more hours and woke to find that he was actually asleep himself. I laughed as I got up and went to the kitchen where I began rummaging through cabinets for something to eat. Unable to find anything that I wanted, I settled on making some chocolate milk with the powdered mix that he had. While taste testing the powder, he snuck up behind me and grabbed my hips. Upon startling the hell out of me, I inhaled the powder down the wrong pipe where I started coughing. During my coughing fit, I turned in his arms and punched his chest.

“You ass,” I said once I was able to breathe again.

“Well if you weren't eating the powder, maybe you wouldn't have choked.” He laughed.

I rolled my eyes as I took the glass to the living room and drank it while watching TV. He came and sat next to me. “That time of the month coming? Where all you want is chocolate?”

I shrugged. “I guess. I think the stress of the tour threw my body out of whack, because I've been like this since we've been back, and I'm usually only like this for a few days. Shit though, I've been all over anything with chocolate on it...” I paused and arched an eyebrow at him. “And pickles too. The weirdest thing.” I laughed.

He laughed as well, but it sounded a bit uncomfortable. I set the empty glass on the table and turned my attention to the TV. An hour passed until my phone rang with Leana wanting us to come visit. I excitedly said yes and went to take a shower and get ready. It wasn't long before we made it to Leana's place, and still excited, I pretty much sprinted to her door. Zack followed me, laughing the whole time at my enthusiasm. I knocked on the door and gave her a big hug as soon as she answered. After greeting both of us, we followed her inside and settled in quickly.

“So where is he?” I asked excitedly, looking around at the few baby toys scattered around. I couldn't wait to see him, because I knew that being almost three months old, he had to have gotten bigger and more adorable.

“He's taking a nap. I'll get him in about a half hour if he doesn't wake up before then. You guys want coffee or something?” she asked from the kitchen.

“Sure,” Zack and I said in unison.

She returned a few minutes later holding a small tray with three mugs on it. I took one of the cups and took a sip from it. “So, Lea, you look great,” I said. “How've you been?”

“Things have been great. I love my son to death and he's been helping me stay distracted. Of course I still think about Jimmy, but don't we all?”

Zack and I both nodded, hanging our heads for a moment before Leana continued. “So how was the tour? Heard the guys were great enough to get you and your band on it?”

“Holy shit it was amazing. It got exhausting towards the end, but it was great to get out there.” I paused and turned to my boyfriend who was sitting silently next to me. “I couldn't be more appreciative of these guys for what they did.” I nudged him with a smile. “How'd you keep tabs on us anyways?”

“Mostly Valary through Facebook and e-mail. She would send me links to videos that were recorded of you guys performing, or you performing with the guys. You did a great job with that.”

“She thinks she sucked at first,” Zack butted in. “We all couldn't convince her right away that she was fine.”

I laughed as I took another drink of coffee. “It's a hard song, but as I said, it was a great time. I learned from the best.”

“Jimmy would definitely be proud,” Leana said as we heard the sounds of whining coming from the baby monitor that was on the coffee table. She excused herself while I smiled wider. I was excited to see little Jimmy and almost squealed happily when Leana brought him into the living room.

“Oh God he's getting so big,” I said as she handed her son to me. Zack and I both agreed that he definitely was going to take after his father. He had the dark hair, and the bright blue eyes that Jimmy had. I bounced him in my lap, making him giggle while Leana and Zack were talking. After a few moments, he sat on my lap, leaning against my stomach with his little hands patting against my stomach and legs. I thought nothing of it, and just that he was relaxing.

“There's just something different about you,” Leana said to me when Zack excused himself to the bathroom. “You're almost glowing it seems.”

I looked over at her. “Just happy to be home from touring and being able to relax with Zacky, you know? It's been a while since we had time to ourselves, and any chance we got on tour we took advantage of it, not to mention our time together since we've been home, though that was just last night. Spent the first week back with my brother because it's just been a while since we had time together.”

Her eyes were glued to her son, watching the way he was acting around me. “He's acting different. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just weird. Are you sure there's no possibility that you could be pregnant? They say sometimes that babies can sometimes know things that we don't.”

I cleared my throat, almost choking on the coffee that I was sipping at the exact moment. “Umm...No, because....” I trailed off, trying to think of reasons why I was positive I wasn't. “I've just been really stressed out and dealing with anxiety since the end of the tour.”

“I guess. Although stranger things have happened. What does Zacky think?”

“He hasn't mentioned anything, nor has Johnny. They both have an idea how I get when I know that my period is coming. Like Zacky seeing me eating chocolate milk mix this morning. You know how that goes, chocolate for everything.”

Leana chuckled. “Are you guys planning on it though?”

“We do want kids eventually. Haven't really figured out when though.” I turned my attention to the child in my lap who began bouncing again. “Have you taken him to visit Jimmy?”

“No. Not yet, but now that you mention it, there was something I wanted to tell you,” she said as Zack rejoined us. “You guys were so busy with the album and going right on tour, I never got the chance to tell you that I wanted you to be his Godmother.”

I smiled at her. “Really?”

“Yeah, will you? You were one of Jimmy's closest friends. If I wasn't around, he went to you. He always thought of you like a little sister, and that in turn made me think of you as a sister to me as well. That's why I want you to be his Godmother. And since Brian and Jimmy were so close, I asked him to be the Godfather.”

“Lea, I'd love to be little Jimmy's Godmother.” My voice broke just a bit as Zack rubbed my back.

“I wanted to ask you that before we went to visit Jimmy. Would it be okay if we went?”

Zack and I both nodded. “Of course,” Zack said. “Want me to call Brian and have him meet us there? Kinda like the double family kind of thing?”

Leana nodded as she took her son to get him ready. “Yeah, you can do that.”

While she got her son ready and settled in his car seat, Zack called Brian and told him to meet us at the cemetery. We took the walk to Jimmy's grave where Brian was standing already. “Hey guys,” he greeted as he took little Jimmy from Leana. “Hey, cutie,” he cooed to the baby.

I smiled at the way Brian acted towards the baby, and my mind began to wander about the past and how I miscarried his child. I knew that if things turned out way differently, Brian and I could've possibly been happy together with a three year old child. The thought had upset me a bit, but my mind went back to reality when I felt Zack's arms hug me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder. “Whatcha thinking about?” he whispered before giving me a peck on the cheek.

“Nothing,” I said as I watched Brian and Leana say a few words to Jimmy with the baby. I listened to Leana telling her son that this was his daddy, and that something sad happened right around the time she found out she was pregnant with him. I wondered if he could understand what she was telling him.

After a few minutes, they stood and backed away, Brian motioning for us to have our chance to say a few words. He had turned and I could still see that he was a bit upset about Zack and myself being together. I saw his expression suddenly change when he saw how Zack was holding me from behind. I gave him an apologetic look before stepping up to the stone and kneeling down. “Well it's almost been a year, and a lot has happened in the past few months. Leana just introduced your son, which I swear is just a re-born version of you. I just know he's gonna grow up to be just like you, so your spirit is still obviously living on. The first tour with the new album went great. It was exhausting, but my band had a lot of fun playing with the guys. The days are getting easier, but we all still miss you.”

“It was hard on us to play without you,” Zack started. “Each show had gotten easier, but just knowing that you're not there to enjoy this with us is probably the hardest thing we've ever done. Like Lisa said, the days pass and get easier, but we'll always miss you. Love you, man.”

I rubbed Zack's back as his voice cracked a bit. He took a moment to compose himself before standing up and turning away. I grabbed his hand as the four of us walked away. After saying goodbye to Brian, we went back with Leana where we stayed for dinner before going back to Zack's place to relax for the rest of the night.

Zack had gotten a lot quieter, but I understood why. Of course the days were getting easier, but I knew that nobody would ever get over the death of their best friend. The guys would never fully recover from what happened, and I completely understood the moments when I'd see one of them shed a tear, or when I'd hear a crack in their voices as they talked about him. I felt useless to Zack at the moment because I was never good at comforting anybody, but I tried my best as we sat on the couch and watched TV together. This time I had let him cuddle against me. I propped my feet up on the table while his head rested on a pillow in my lap, my arm draped over his shoulder, and my fingers intertwined with his as his hand rested on his side. It was male instinct to not look so weak and vulnerable, but both Zack and I knew that I wouldn't care. He's cried in front of me before, and I wasn't going to look at him any differently, nor was I going to judge him at all.