We've Got More Than We Know

Two months… that’s how much longer I have carry this thing in my stomach, or Mason as I’ve named him. I can’t wait for him to come even though I’m still single.

Things with Zak… are driven by hormones. I’m sure. And I’ve been totally honest with him. I don’t want to start anything with him until I stop comparing him to Tanner I know for sure I have feelings for him. But today, I’m paying Tanner a visit whether he likes it or not.

So, here I am, sitting in his driveway with a whole bunch of ultrasound pictures in my hand, trying to muster up the nerve to walk up to the door. After a few more minutes and few heavy sighs later, I walked up and knocked on the door.

I couldn’t breathe as I head footsteps come closer. It’s been six long months since I’ve seen this man that I was in love with… and I think still am no matter what he’s done to me.

And then he opened the door.

His eyes went straight to my stomach. When they slowly worked their way up to my eyes, his jaw was nearly on the ground. I wanted to break down right now. I didn’t like this expression.

“I figured you should know something about your son even though you haven’t been there at all, so… here’s these,” I told him as cold heartedly as I could while handing him the pictures and then turning to walk away.

Once I had opened the door to my car, he called out to me, but I ignored it. Tears were already in my eyes. No matter what, I didn’t want him to see it. Not that he really cares anyway. He didn’t care more than six months ago. Why should I think he cared now?

I didn’t even look in the rearview mirror at his house. It brought back too many painful memories. I went home and sat on the couch and cried, feeling so alone right now. That’s the last feeling I should be feeling right now. This is so not what I expected for my first pregnancy. I was supposed to be all happy and loving life with the baby’s father. But now, I’m sitting on my couch with tears streaming down my cheek… alone.

As time went on, I pulled my knees up to my chest as much as I could with my seven month pregnant stomach in the way and put my forehead on my knees, letting my sobs fill the room.

I didn’t even hear that someone came inside. That’s how loud I was crying. The only way I knew someone was there was because they put their hand on my back. My first thought was that it was Zak. He’s always here for me, but… the person’s hand wasn’t that big. It wasn’t small enough to be Josh or Kirstie’s. I didn’t want to look up and be met with those cool blue eyes. I wanted him to go away and stay away like he has been. Life would have been easier if I hadn’t met him.

“Just go away,” I wheezed out, keeping my head down.

“I’ve been away for too long,” he countered softly.

I heard him bend down, but he kept his hand on my back. I hated that his touch still brought a warmth over me, allowing my tears to slow. That alone feeling was slowly leaving me.

“Can I please just hold you?” he asked while rubbing my knee now.

I didn’t say anything, but I let my feet fall to the floor, allowing Tanner to reach up and hook his arms around me so that I could cry onto his shoulder. Soft shushes came out of him while his warm hands ran up and down my back, making it better.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered once my crying stopped.

“I’m sorry, but your little apology right now, doesn’t really make it better,” I told him as I sat up and wiped my eyes.

“I know… and I never regretted it as much as I do now,” he started, sitting on the couch next to me and keeping an arm hooked tightly around me.

“When you told me I was honestly in disbelief… and a little upset since we haven’t really planned anything and then I know this was wrong to think, but… I thought you did it so that I would marry you with the way Kirstie and Josh were talking…” he started rambling on.

“I didn’t have a problem with us not being married. Yes, it would be nice, but if you weren’t comfortable with it, I was fine with it,” I cut him off.

“But… you deserve to have a husband and a family. I wanted to give that to you, but… I wanted to do it in time,” he sighed.

“Well, I’m not too sure you can call us a family yet,” I said through a giggle.

“How’s my little man?” he asked with a smile while his hand made contact with my stomach… for the first time.

I wanted to snap back with something about him not being there. For all the baby knows, Zak’s his daddy. But I didn’t. I held my tongue and placed my hand next to his, feeling the little guy kick, bringing a smile across Tanner’s face.

“I know I haven’t been there. But seeing this,” he paused to give my stomach a quick rub, making Mason kick again, “makes me never want to leave your side every again,” he continued with his eyes on mine. “I can’t tell you sorry enough,” he went on.

“Well, we can try this again… just go slow with it… so you’re comfortable… and I won’t pressure you about marriage even though I didn’t before,” I smirked.

“If I’m not what you think I should within these next two months, he can have your last name. If I man up, the baby can have my last name. How’s that sound?” he smiled while lacing his hand with mine.

“I like that,” I smiled back.

If possible, Tanner’s smile grew even more before he leaned over and connected our lips. I know I shouldn’t be as forgiving as I’m being right now, but he’s finally realizing what he needs to do… I think. And he’s willing to be here for me and our baby. I can’t argue with that… this is all I’ve wanting since day one.s