Status: completed
I Have Only Myself to Give, Nothing More
Elf
I affix my brightest smile to my face in the morning, cover my scars and words with concealer and long-sleeves, and spend the rest of the day trailing after Gabe.
I can feel Brendon’s eyes on my back as I laugh and smack Gabe affectionately across the shoulder during lunch. He’s angry and betrayed but most of all he’s confused. Why would I ditch the most perfect best friend in the whole wide world to go chasing after the boy who already fills the spot of William’s best friend?
William’s a little pissed too, but there’s also worry in his pretty hazel eyes when he looks at me, so he tries to swallow his pride and let me cling to Gabe.
“It’s good to see you smiling again, Ryan,” Pete drawls, leaning back in his chair and eyeing me lazily, and suddenly I feel defensive.
I look around myself to see Brendon’s hurt face and William’s wounded pride and Jon’s eyes are narrowed dangerously in my direction, and I realize that these boys consider it an inexcusable crime to leave one’s best friend, however temporarily, in favor of someone else’s.
“Thanks, Pete,” I drawl back, scooting over in my chair so I’m slightly closer to Gabe. “That’s real nice of you.”
I don’t know why I’m such a sucker for punishment.
A small, jolting, choking sort of whimper escapes from Brendon’s lips and he springs up from the table, running for the door.
“Bastard!” Jon spits out, glowering at me and Spencer’s hand on his arm is, perhaps, the only thing keeping him from lunging across the table and throttling me.
But even Spencer seems furious at me. “What the hell is wrong with you, Ryan?” he asks in a harsh voice, and as I look at each boy’s face in turn, I see only sympathy in Patrick’s and warning in Gabe’s and complete unfriendliness in everybody else’s eyes as they stare me.
“You made Brendon cry …” William begins in a funny murmur, eyes refocusing on my face. “You don’t make Brendon cry,” he finishes assertively, and I realize then that Brendon is really like the little brother to all of these boys here.
And I made him cry.
William’s right; I don’t make Brendon cry.
A quiet gasp slips through my lips and I lurch unsteadily to my feet, knowing that I have to find Brendon, and as I leave the cafeteria, Pete’s drawling voice reaches my ears—
“He likes you, Gabe. I know he does.”
This statement makes me freeze in my tracks, and Gabe’s friendly, teasing eyes flits into my mind and I can hear his voice in my head: “Sonríe, Ryan, sonreír y ponerse de pie orgulloso.”
Maybe I like him and maybe I don’t, but finding my best friend is my top priority now and I go running down the halls into I come across the first bathroom and somehow I know that Brendon’s inside.
The sound of pitiful crying reaches my ears as I open the door and step inside. “Brendon?” I ask quietly and the crying only intensifies.
There’s only one stall occupied—the middle one—so I crawl under the door to find Brendon seated on the floor, knees curled up the his chest.
His tears are breaking my heart.
“Brendon …” I murmur and reach out to pull him into my arms but he dodges my arms and turns away from me, face twisting in pain.
“What did I do wrong?” he asks with a hiccupping sob.
“Oh, sweetheart, you didn’t do anything,” I murmur and tentatively reach out to stroke his hair.
“Then why were you ignoring me for Gabe?”
I honestly don’t have a good answer to that, so I reply with the most truthful thing I can think of—
“I’m just an asshole.”
And then Brendon lets me take him in my arms and we sit there on the dirty tile, crying together.
“Don’t leave me ever again,” he says in a small voice, leaning into my chest.
“I won’t,” I whisper and place a timid kiss on his cheek. “I promise.”
I can feel Brendon’s eyes on my back as I laugh and smack Gabe affectionately across the shoulder during lunch. He’s angry and betrayed but most of all he’s confused. Why would I ditch the most perfect best friend in the whole wide world to go chasing after the boy who already fills the spot of William’s best friend?
William’s a little pissed too, but there’s also worry in his pretty hazel eyes when he looks at me, so he tries to swallow his pride and let me cling to Gabe.
“It’s good to see you smiling again, Ryan,” Pete drawls, leaning back in his chair and eyeing me lazily, and suddenly I feel defensive.
I look around myself to see Brendon’s hurt face and William’s wounded pride and Jon’s eyes are narrowed dangerously in my direction, and I realize that these boys consider it an inexcusable crime to leave one’s best friend, however temporarily, in favor of someone else’s.
“Thanks, Pete,” I drawl back, scooting over in my chair so I’m slightly closer to Gabe. “That’s real nice of you.”
I don’t know why I’m such a sucker for punishment.
A small, jolting, choking sort of whimper escapes from Brendon’s lips and he springs up from the table, running for the door.
“Bastard!” Jon spits out, glowering at me and Spencer’s hand on his arm is, perhaps, the only thing keeping him from lunging across the table and throttling me.
But even Spencer seems furious at me. “What the hell is wrong with you, Ryan?” he asks in a harsh voice, and as I look at each boy’s face in turn, I see only sympathy in Patrick’s and warning in Gabe’s and complete unfriendliness in everybody else’s eyes as they stare me.
“You made Brendon cry …” William begins in a funny murmur, eyes refocusing on my face. “You don’t make Brendon cry,” he finishes assertively, and I realize then that Brendon is really like the little brother to all of these boys here.
And I made him cry.
William’s right; I don’t make Brendon cry.
A quiet gasp slips through my lips and I lurch unsteadily to my feet, knowing that I have to find Brendon, and as I leave the cafeteria, Pete’s drawling voice reaches my ears—
“He likes you, Gabe. I know he does.”
This statement makes me freeze in my tracks, and Gabe’s friendly, teasing eyes flits into my mind and I can hear his voice in my head: “Sonríe, Ryan, sonreír y ponerse de pie orgulloso.”
Maybe I like him and maybe I don’t, but finding my best friend is my top priority now and I go running down the halls into I come across the first bathroom and somehow I know that Brendon’s inside.
The sound of pitiful crying reaches my ears as I open the door and step inside. “Brendon?” I ask quietly and the crying only intensifies.
There’s only one stall occupied—the middle one—so I crawl under the door to find Brendon seated on the floor, knees curled up the his chest.
His tears are breaking my heart.
“Brendon …” I murmur and reach out to pull him into my arms but he dodges my arms and turns away from me, face twisting in pain.
“What did I do wrong?” he asks with a hiccupping sob.
“Oh, sweetheart, you didn’t do anything,” I murmur and tentatively reach out to stroke his hair.
“Then why were you ignoring me for Gabe?”
I honestly don’t have a good answer to that, so I reply with the most truthful thing I can think of—
“I’m just an asshole.”
And then Brendon lets me take him in my arms and we sit there on the dirty tile, crying together.
“Don’t leave me ever again,” he says in a small voice, leaning into my chest.
“I won’t,” I whisper and place a timid kiss on his cheek. “I promise.”
♠ ♠ ♠
The the ending is super depressing since you know that he breaks his promise in "If I Told You I Loved You, How Far Would You Run?" like a thousand times over. :(Gabe's Spanish: "Smile, Ryan, smile and stand up proud."