Living Like You're Dead

Maybe an hour passed, maybe two. No one knew. They had reached a fairly major city while following the major highway. However big cities, meant: Walkers.

They spent a few minutes arguing, and Merle convinced Daryl that stopping here would be suicide. She was already dying. Merle wasn’t going to let Daryl risk his life to save someone who had no hope. So Merle convinced him to continue on to the CDC that they initially headed for. There they could find plenty of supplies. At first Daryl wasn’t going to comply, but Addie agreed with Merle – she heard what Merle had told him and she felt that sparing him some time would benefit them both. He would’ve been so angry… she didn’t want him to do something reckless.

“No it’s okay, I’m fine.” She’d say. Over and over again she’d say it. Whatever she could to calm him down – because when he found out he was going to explode.

She pleaded along with Merle to keep going. At least there they might find some help, some information… and then they could return to the others without her.

“Allons-y.” was what she muttered while she let shivers take her body. She felt so cold even in Daryl’s arms. She just hoped he wouldn’t put the two together. This was the second time this had happened to them and the first time he was already so hurt. He had grown to love her, something Daryl had never expected to do in his life, let along with such an exotic girl.

He tried to unwrap the bandage once again, each time she hand pulled his hand away resting it on her chest. And when she did that again, he noticed her fever.

“Baby girl you’re burning.”

“Thanks I know.” She said smiling, trying to calm him.

“No you’re… you’re really on fire!”

“I’m fine just need some water, and rest, I’m okay.”

“Merle, she’s really not doing good, she’s slurring words, she has a bad fever and the blood is starting to soak through these bandages.”

“Give me a half hour and I can have us at that place.”

“God dammit Merle! Don’t you dare let her die!”

“I’m fine!” Addie said, Daryl was raising his voice, she was so concerned for him she wanted to just disappear and erase herself from his life. She wished all this would disappear.

Merle sped up. He was cautious with only having one hand to control the wheel but he sped up just as Daryl had asked him to. Daryl was upset, he was sad and the only way Daryl knew know to show those emotions was through anger.

“Merle you said I shouldn’t worry.”

“I did. So don’t.”

“She’d burning hot, What happened exactly? Tell me now!”

“I dunno they were gone when I got there! She was just bleeding so we cleaned it, and bandaged it.”

“So you cleaned it.”

“Yes.”

“Then how’d it get infected?”

“I dunno Daryl! Just let me drive goddammit!”

“Merle what is it you’re not telling me!”

Merle stopped answering after that question. After everything he’d done he couldn’t bare to bring another terrible thing into his life. Daryl was his baby brother after all, he had to protect him.

Daryl mumbled things to himself and tried to get Addie to answer the same questions. She was drifting in and out of sleep – the moment she’d wake, she’d make herself go right back. She was beginning to feel pain, she thought she could almost feel the virus creep through her system.
______________________________________

The CDC was vacant. Daryl was just happy it wasn’t the kind that simply blows up after a period of time. It was an unofficial center, set up in cases of emergency – like this one. They had parked the truck and carried Addie inside and found a soft couch in a break room. Then they left to find all kinds of medical supplies and returned to help the dying girl.

Merle stood close to the wall as Daryl unwrapped the bandage.

Addie was awake now, she looked upset, she knew she was dying, but she was concerned for Daryl for now he would know. The bandage slid off easy since it was soaked with blood. But Daryl was terrified when he saw teeth marks. He touched them lightly with his fingers almost as if he was testing if they were really there or not. There was the large ugly cut on her leg, and bit marks all around it.

“Cannibals.” He said. “It has to be cannibals.” He looked to Merle so that he might verify his assumption. But Merle did no such thing.

The enthralling rage that consumed Daryl was almost unbearable.

They knew.

They both had known. Both Merle and Addie saw the two walkers in the room. They both saw them looming over her. Merle could still remember the sound of Addie’s flesh being grinded beneath teeth.

“She’s going to die isn’t she?” Daryl said after a long thought about hitting Merle for lying to him.

“Uhm. Probably yeah.”

“Probably?! Sorry, what? Are you stupid? Oh right, you’re my brother of course you’re fuckin’ stupid!”

“Daryl we didn’t want you to worry.”

“’We’ eh? Who’s this we, cause last I checked we, were a we, not you two! As I recall you were the one you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants!”

Merle stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him. Addie was still conscious and still concerned. Now it was just her and Daryl, she cried while he turned over near by tables and threw a few chairs into the wall. It took a few fists into the wall until he calmed down, until his breathing was once again normal.

He finally said: “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“Please let me help, let me fix you.”

“You can’t. You and Merle… you should both go.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“But it’ll be better that way. You can be safe.”

“But you’ll be one of… one of… one of them!”

“Just pretend I’m not. Pretend I’m lost, like when you lost Merle.”

“But I went back for him! He wasn’t lost to me, you… you can’t be lost, I’ve only just found you.” Addie was surprised to see tears welling in Daryl’s eyes. Tears had fallen on her cheeks before he had even begun to speak. And now here she was with Daryl and everything that was between them, everything that she was would be lost. She found it painful, more painful then her wound, and more painful than all the wounds she had sustained since arriving here in a fiery crash.

Daryl didn’t think he could do it. He knew he couldn’t shoot her. He had already contemplated that long ago when she lay sick with a fever, only that time she wasn’t really dying. He wished she were sick with just the flu like before. This wasn’t the first time that she looked as pale as she did now. It seemed everything she’d been through, every terrible accident, she had made it through – but for what reason? To die just like this; Lying on a couch with a deadly virus pumping through her veins? She had survived a helicopter crash, countless blows to the head, walkers, sickness, even surreal amounts of blood loss, but here she lay – now defeated.

Daryl couldn’t understand how she was a born survivor one minute, and nearly dead the next. It wasn’t fair to him. How many breaks did the Dixons ever get? None. They rarely had a house to live in growing up, Merle and Daryl had been evicted several times, they were always dirt poor, and had nothing to carry to their name.

Dixons' were known to be rotten filth.

But now here was this girl who changed all those odds. For being survivors in an apocalypse, they had everything – weapons, food, water, shelter, (until if burned down of course.) But even then Daryl had no doubt in his mind that Addie would’ve found something down here, some helpful piece of research. She wouldn’t have let them be without a proper home for long. She was some kind of angel dying at his fingertips, and there was nothing he could do.

God I feel so cold. Addie sucked in a breath of air, and it seemed to help calm her. Daryl was so upset and she knew that. She regretted that she’d never see the rest of the group again, she regretted never getting to see this terror come to an end. She missed her grandpa, she wished she had met her father; she wished she could answer the questions she still held onto about her mother.

She also felt bad for Daryl. He had changed so much since she’d been with him. He was rarely angry, he was calmer. yeah, calmer. She wished that he could move on… just as she had with Alex.

“Please Daryl… leave me.” She said one more time.

Daryl fingers were tangled in her hair, and she could feel the angry fists he made while containing his anger. His forehead was pressed to hers as she cried. She felt so sick, she felt so angry he was still here – she didn’t want him to become one either.

“LEAVE!” she said louder. This time she was fed up with him. She felt how much he loved her, she knew it was there, but now if he really did – he needed to leave her be.

Daryl stood and left the room so quickly. He couldn’t bear to look at the girl angry with him, the dying girl…

Addie smacked her forehead several times after the door shut. The gasping sobs were okay to let out now that Daryl was gone. She didn’t want her last image in his mind to be one of her like this… maybe he could salvage the good ones. Maybe he could be okay one day.

Just maybe.