Here's Everything I've Always Meant to Say

I woke up the next morning Eli still curled up his arms firmly around me. I could hear screaming though. I slipped out of Eli’s arms without waking him as I grabbed a t-shirt from his floor and a pair of his pj pants from his closet slipping them on. I made my way out of his room. I could hear CeCe yelling but I wasn’t sure what she was so upset about.

“Ma’am we can’t hold him in jail! There isn’t any evidence that he was even there the day she was murdered.” I heard a high female voice but it wasn’t the voice that got to me it was the words. “Patrick will be released in a few days if we can’t find anything on him. We are holding him as long as we can.” My father was going to get out of jail…

“You’ve got to keep him! He’ll come after her!” I heard CeCe shout. I could hear the pain in her voice and as I approached the kitchen I could see the pain and anger on her face. “He’ll kill her!”Bullfrog let out a small sigh.

“Ma’am we are doing the best we can to keep him there. But no jury in the right mind would think he did it, half the society is convinced the daughter did it…” Those words were a low blow.

“I didn’t do it…” All of thee adults slowly turned away from the table and looked towards me. Tears were lining my eyes as I looked at the officer. I don’t know what I had to do to convince the world that I didn’t do it.

“We know you didn’t baby girl.” CeCe quickly stood up from the table starting to walk towards me. I shook my head and backed up a bit.

“No… no one believes me.” My voice now shallow as I looked towards the woman that had been acting as my mother lately, the pain smothered her normally crystal clear blue eyes.

“That’s not true…We believe you, we just can’t prove that your father has done it…” The officer looked at me sympathetically. I felt my chest tighten and shook my head.

“Let him go then.” I heard the small gasp come from Cece’s mouth. I didn’t turn to look at her though; I looked straight through the officer glaring towards the wall doing my best to keep any emotion from my face.

“You don’t mean that! He’ll come after you…” Bullfrog’s raspy voice broke into the conversation. “He could hurt you and Eli.” That was the one thing I was afraid of. I didn’t want Eli to get hurt.

“But…not if I go away…If I leave and Eli...” I choked slightly on my own words as I tried to force my idea out. “If he stays…my dad...he won’t know that Eli means any...” I had to stop and swallow yet again. “Anything to me…He won’t hurt any of you...”

“No, no! I will NOT go against your mothers wishes. You are like a daughter to me Kylie! I won’t let you leave.” She was trying to sound firm but I could hear the cracking in her voice, I still couldn’t look at her.

“You aren’t safe though…I won’t let you lose your only child CeCe.” I slowly turned to look at her. Hoping that she could understand that I wanted to leave because I didn’t want them to get hurt, I didn’t want Eli to get hurt.

“No, no, you leaving isn’t going to do anything but make your father angry. If we can record him threatening your life than we can keep him, though that entails you going down to the station and actually having a conversation...”The officer was trying to reason with me.

“That’s not going to change that everyone is going to look at Eli’s family as the one’s harboring a murder.” Even saying that word made me feel unclean and angry.

“That can be solved; we will set up a press briefing on the situation. We want you to speak.” The officer slowly stood up and came towards me. I backed away again my back hitting the wall. “You need to understand you would be doing more harm by leaving this family right now, your father knows that you are here. He knows your mother was friends with CeCe.”

“How do you know that he knows hmm?” the cold edge in my voice forced the officer to retreat slightly.

“We’ve been monitoring the letters he’s sending out. He continues to send them to this address; we haven’t read any of them though.”

“Than read them!” CeCe shouted. The officer glared quickly over towards her and that alone was enough to make the violent feeling in the pit of my stomach grow.

“Don’t look at her like that.” I growled towards the officer. “She didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just trying to protect me.” The officer let out a heavy sigh.

“Come with me to the station. You can talk to your father. The room will be full of officers you’ll be safe. We can keep him in jail then...”

“Why the hell would he threaten me when he knows you guys are standing around? You have to stand outside. You have to let me be alone with him or he won’t admit it.” I spoke softly and CeCe let out a small sob from somewhere at my side.

“Kylie! Don’t do that!” CeCe cried. I was causing her so much pain, it ripped me apart. I didn’t deserve for her to love me. I didn’t even deserve for her son to love me. I deserved to be in the ground with my mother.

“That’s not a bad idea.” The officer nodded. “I’ll get everything set up and call you when we are ready?” I nodded. The officer walked over taking my hand and shaking it. I wrote down my cell phone and gave it to her. She nodded patting my shoulder. “You’re a brave kid.” she walked out of the house leaving me in the kitchen with CeCe and bullfrog.

“You can’t be mad at me.” I spoke softly turning towards them finally. “I’m doing this to protect you guys, to protect Eli, to honor my mom. I won’t let someone else I love get hurt.” CeCe looked at me pain in her eyes but she smiled through it.

“I’m not mad, just scared.” She murmured making her way over to me and wrapping me in her arms rubbing my back gently. “I love you like a daughter and I know that Eli loves you more than I’ve seen him love any one.” She added smiling gently.

“I can’t lose him; I need him more than any one understands.” I answered before kissing her cheek lightly and pulling out of the hug. “I’m going to go visit my mom’s grave, I’ll leave my cell phone here. You can send Eli to pick me up when they call ok? I promise CeCe I’m not going to go anywhere I need Eli and you guys way too much.

“We trust you, sweetie. Here have my cell phone. We’ll have Eli call when he’s on his way.” She added. I know she just wanted a way to keep track of me and I let out a sigh. I knew she just cared. I slowly slipped the cell phone from her hands.

“Don’t call, just come get me, but if you get worried you can text ok?” I spoke up softly grabbing my purse and stuffing the cell phone into it.

“We love you sweetie.” Bullfrog smiled walking over and placing a small kiss on my forehead before allowing me to leave the house.

I knew that Eli would come early but I wasn’t going to argue. I walked outside, it was cold the snow was starting to fall over the grass and road. I smiled slightly scooping some of the newly fallen snow into my hands as I headed down the street towards the cemetery. It wasn’t far from Eli’s house, which I really didn’t mind. It was a good place to go when you needed to think and now that my mom was buried there I would find even more joy in going.

There was a razor in my purse though I couldn’t decide if I was going to use it or not. After seeing the pain on Cece’s face I wanted to more than anything, I was afraid that it would hurt her more though. I couldn’t hurt her any more. I dug my feet into the snow trudging along until I reached the gate. I hopped the gate, not feeling like walking all the way around to the entrance.

I landed with a thud on my butt in the new fallen snow. I groaned slightly pulling myself up and dusting my back end off from any snow that might have stuck. I knew I’d get cold but the cold right now was enough of a numbing sensation to convince me not to cut.

Finding my mom’s grave wasn’t difficult after the fit I had thrown yesterday they had buried it in haste over night so the ground was slightly lumpy and rose over hers. I walked over and sat down into the snow a weak smile beginning to form on my face as I touched her head stone.

“I miss you mom, you were always there for me. I know you and dad fought a lot, I also know that you never wanted me to get hurt. You would have sent me to Eli’s if I hadn’t already been there. You knew he was going to kill you.” I felt a small tear drop down my face. I quickly brushed it away fearing it would freeze there on my face.

“I know I shouldn’t blame myself so much, I know you’d hate that I did it. I can’t help it though, I’m going to go talk to dad, try to get him to say that he wants to kill me.” I rubbed my fingers against the snow in the engraving of her name. “I know you’d be as worried as CeCe is but you are going to protect me I know you will.” I laughed slightly. “I’m not sure how Eli’s going to take it though, I’m afraid he’s going to be angry with me.” Sighing gently I grabbed my purse.

I pulled out the razor I kept hidden in it and slowly pulled it out smiling sadly as I felt a few more tears fall from my face. “This is the only razor I have left from when I was cutting. I know I’ve only been clean of cutting for a few days or weeks I’m not sure any more.” I slid the razor into the dirt by her head stone. “But I know that with you keeping an eye on me and Eli by my side I don’t need to do this anymore. It just makes everything worse.”

I continued to talk to her spreading myself out across her grave. Pulling my jacket around my body and laying my head down against her head stone. “I Love you Mom, I won’t let him go free without a fight, I don’t care what I have to do.” I smiled gently. I closed my eyes leaning against the stone beginning to hum and sing to myself.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I may have fallen asleep against the grave; I awoke to feet crunching the new layer of snow on the ground. I shivered realizing just how cold I was. I groaned slightly yawning and moving my arms out of my jacket to grab my purse having felt it vibrate or at least thinking I’d heard it.

“Kylie!” I turned my head and squinted as Eli came running toward me. He had skinny jeans on, his white painted ones. A dark black long sleeved shirt and a vest over it. I smiled as he reached me gloves on his hands.

“Hey you,” I sounded like a frog. I scrunched my nose holding my frozen hands out to him so he could help me up off the ground. He looked like he’d been crying. I frowned reaching up and gently touching his face but he quickly whipped away from my hand.

“My god you’re freezing!” he hissed slightly taking my hands into his. “How long have you been out here?” He pulled me closer to his body, leaning down to grab my purse. He slung it over his shoulder as he held me close to his body.

“I have no clue.” I stuttered as I pressed my face into his chest realizing just how cold I had been. Eli’s body against mine created a one of a kind heat.

“Let’s get you in the back of Morty; we’ve still got about an hour or two before we need to go anywhere. My mom says they called to let her know the progress of setting everything up.” The distress in his voice was much more obvious then he thought it was. He picked me up bridal style hugging me close as we made our way back to Morty.

“Eli,” I let out a heavy sigh cuddling against him even further. “I need to do this; He’ll get away if I don’t.” I glanced to his face and it mimicked his mother’s pain from earlier as we reached his hearse finally. He opened up the back door sliding me in first before climbing in back with me.

“I know, I just…” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t want you to get hurt and being alone with him is going to cause that.” We both knew that was a huge possibility. In fact I could almost guarantee I would get hurt. It would be worth it though.

“I know, he isn’t going to get the chance to kill me though.” I spoke softly as I looked toward Eli hoping that gave him some kind of comfort. He was looking at me with a look I’d never seen before. Somewhere between: pain, anxiety, and sheer terror.

“I don’t want you to get hurt.” I could barely hear him. I was starting to thaw and I inched towards him setting my cold hand against his warm cheek. He flinched slightly before relaxing into my hand looking at me.

“I know Eli; I don’t want to get hurt either. Someone has to do this and I’m the only one that can. I’m doing it because he will kill you if he gets the chance.” I could feel the tears starting to sting at the back of my eyelids once again.

“Let me go with you then.” His suggestion wasn’t something I’d thought about. Eli would be happier if he was there to protect me and my father would admit and threaten me if Eli was around, hell he’d probably try to take Eli out.

“You know, your mom is going to hate the idea but I guess since she’s not going it’s our decision to make.” I smiled gently. The infamous Goldsworthy smirk started to appear on his lips. “I want you to come with me.” I moved closer to him.

“Then I will, at least I can protect you, I don’t trust the damn officers to get to you fast enough if he pulls something.” He murmured as he slid one arm around my waist and slowly lowered me down so I was lying against the car floor.

“I trust you though.” My fingers trailed up his arm and slowly found their place tangled in his dark locks.

“Good, I love you Kylie Anne Sanders.”He leaned down. He’d said it over and over before but it never had been returned because I was always too scared. It felt right though, the words leaving his mouth. His hand gently placed on my side and his lips nearing mine.

“I love you too Elijah Thomas Goldsworthy.” I murmured gently pressing my lips to his and pulling his head against mine. His hands rubbing small circles against my stomach and sides any exposed skin he could see he was touching.

“I’m glad to hear you say that.” He murmured as he broke the kiss starting to trail kisses from my lips to my jaw and began to slowly nibble every where he was kissing. I let out a quiet moan arching my back off the floor and tilted my head to the side.

“Oh Eli…”I tightened my grip in his hair and pulled his body closer to mine, “Don’t stop,” I demanded. I rolled our hips together creating a whole new kind of heat between the two of us.