Here's Everything I've Always Meant to Say

“So Do you mind if I come over tonight so that we can work on the project?” I asked gently as I looked towards my best friend as we headed out to his car. I had a feeling he’d be driving me home. I smiled gently as he looked like he was thinking.

“Yeah, But You need to know that Jens coming over to work on a government project as well…” he stopped at his car and looked towards me searching my face to make sure it was going to be ok. I just sighed biting my lip.

“That’s fine. I’ll just start our English project by myself. We can work on it some other time…When she doesn’t need your attention.” I mumbled as I opened the passenger door and slid into his black SUV. I pulled my back pack onto my lap and hugged it against my chest.

“Kylie, are you sure? I mean I can reschedule with her...She probably won’t even want to work on the project any way?” He questioned as he slid in and slipped the keys in the ignition. I let out a soft sigh and shook my head.

“No, Just take me home ok?” I leaned my head against the window hugging the back pack closer to my chest I didn’t want to deal with whatever there was going to be when I got home. Eli looked at me for a moment before nodding.

“You know if you need anything to call me ok? And if I don’t hear from you over break these next two weeks, Don’t think I won’t come over there and kidnap you.” He laughed as we pulled up to my house. You could hear the shouting in his car from inside. I swallowed before shaking my head.

“Don’t worry We have to have a movie date sometime over break.”I smiled gently Climbing out of the care before he even got it stopped hoping maybe it would run me over. He looked at me concerned and shocked.

“Please be careful Kylie.” He spoke softly as he heard something smash against the wall in the house.

“Yeah…I will.” I mumbled climbing out of the car and walking around to the door slowly I opened the door it felt like I was stepping into a war zone. My mother was cowering in the corner before she threw something towards my father and My father’s was in the other corner screaming and throwing things back.

I let out a sigh; I had to step between them to get to my room unless I wanted to climb the wall to get in through my window. I closed my eyes and darted through the living room and up the stairs as fast as I could to up to my room not want to deal with either of them right now. I ended up dodging a vase as it passed through the living room.

“I hate this.” I muttered to myself feeling the tears on my face as I threw my back pack to the side Looking at the photo of me and Eli from a year or two ago at a school dance. I was wearing a pink dress and I looked like a princess my hair done up a crown on my head and him wearing a tux a thin line of eye liner on his eyes as he held me close for the picture.

It’d been two days and I hadn’t left my room I was spending my whole time working on my project. I needed to go down and face them and let them know I was going to Eli’s to Work on the project but I was afraid of what To do. My parents weren’t screaming any more to much they’d taken to just throwing things at each other to shut each other up.

I slowly made my way down the stairs hugging the paper and my back pack close to my body. I was wearing jeans and a pink tank top with my purple zebra stripped hoodie on me all the way zipped up and my home made version of arm warmers which was wrapping my arm in that cool colored skin tape that they used at the hospital this way no one could take it off her arms unless she removed it off herself.

“Mom? Dad? I’m going over to Eli’s to work on our project… “I shouted as I slowly made my way into the living room. I let out a soft breath when I realized my mom was the only one home right now. “I’ll be back later tonight mom.” I announced not waiting for her to answer as I walked out of the front door as I noticed my father climbing out of his car.

“Kylie where do you think you’re going.” The anger in his voice was evident not only that but she could smell the booze on his breath from across the yard. He started toward me and the first thing I could even think to do was take off.

“Away! Mom knows!” I shouted as I took off running as fast I could towards Eli’s house I could hear my father chasing me but I rounded the corner and pulled my key out of my pocket and shoved it in Eli’s door and shoved the door open closing it quickly and quietly heavily breathing. I leaned against the door drawing in a deep breath looking towards the ceiling and closing my eyes trying not to cry.

“Uhum ELI! Your little freak friend is here!” Her voice, probably one of the last voices I wanted to hear right now. She was only a few feet away from me and I was ready to jump and punch her square in the nose! He said he was going to be free from her tonight!

“Jen, what the hell are you screaming about?”I wanted to open my eyes and look at him and let him know I was fine and I would just leave but I heard my father scream as he ran down the street still hunting for me before screaming that he gave up and ran back towards the house. My heart was slamming against my chest and tears were burning at the sides of my eyes.

“That…Why does she have a key to your house Eli?” Jen’s nasally voice was crawling under my already agitated skin.

“Shut up for a moment will you?” I heard Eli his before I felt a gentle hand press against my cheek. “Hey you’re ok, You’re in here, He can’t get to you in here,” Eli began to talk to me quietly trying to calm me down.

“Uh excuse me but I and you are kind of on a date! You’re just going to let her come in and ruin it. Well that’s fucking great Eli.” Her voice was causing my brain to feel violently about her at the moment. I tensed my fists as I pressed myself against the door.

“Jen! I said shut up!” Eli scolded his girlfriend “Go get the damn drinks you came out for and I’ll be there in a fucking second!” He hissed and I could hear her footsteps retreating. “Kylie, come on now it’s ok,” Eli’s voice was soothing and I could feel my tension slowly slipping out of my body.

“I...I can’t go home tonight Eli, I’m sorry I interrupted your date but I can’t go home.” I began to mumble repeatedly that I just couldn’t go home. I couldn’t go back with my dad right now I would get hurt.

“Shh, Kylie Shh” Eli smiled gently moving his hand slowly off my face. “You are fine I don’t care if you interrupted Jen and I ok?” He set his hand on my arm and smiled. “I’m just working on our History project and she’s taking it as a date ok? It’s not she has to go home soon any way.” He soothed as he moved me off the door and locked it.

“Thank you Eli” I spoke softly and looked toward Jen who had just come back in the room “Maybe I can help you guys with your project…I brought our English project over to work on” I smiled trying to at least get Jen to be friendly.

“Great.” Jen rolled her eyes as she took Eli’s hand and pulled him towards his room. I drew in a small breath before clutching my back pack against my chest following them. Though I was beginning to regret following them into the bed room. As soon as they sat down on the bed their lips were attached. Yeah they were working on a history project. I sighed.

“I’m going to go get some water...”I was quiet as I set my bag down after slipping my razor into my pocket. I walked out of the bed room wandering down the halls of his house touching the walls as I made my way to the bathroom sitting down.

I slowly began to undo the bandages on my arm and look at the healing scars and recent cuts covered with sharpie scribbles of words like worthless. I looked at the razor in my fingers slowly I pressed it down against my skin making a shallow cut but it was deep enough to allow the blood to slowly run down my arm over the black sharpie on my arm. I could feel the tears start to fall down my face.

I let out a slow deep breath as I leaned against the tub placing the razor back in its little case and back into my pocket as I watched my arm bleed slowly standing up to put my arm in the sink to wash the cut knowing it would sting but that was even better. I felt my eyes close as I turned on the scolding hot water sliding my cut arm under the burning water.

A door slammed from somewhere else in the house and I felt my whole body jump I quickly rubbed the hot water into the cut before quickly wrapping my arm back up with the tap and pulling my hoodie back over my hands. I looked at the blood in the sink and grabbed some toilet paper and threw it in the toilet flushing it down before standing up and opening the bathroom door slamming into Eli.

“Hey, I was just coming to make sure you’re ok, You’ve been in there for awhile.” He added his eyebrow rose as he glanced at my flushed face. “You look like you’ve been crying…”

“I’m fine Eli, I just…I’m really tired can we lay down?” I asked softly as we headed towards his room. He nodded he never objected to cuddling with his best friend and going to sleep.

“Of course Ky.” He spoke, I could tell just by the tone in his voice that he wanted to ask a million questions but he kept them to himself for now. He wasn’t always going to be able to do that.

“Uhum, I don’t know if this is even ok for me to ask any more but is it ok if you hold me?” I asked quietly looking toward Eli, I hadn’t spent the night since he’d started to date Jen and I wasn’t sure if the rules had changed.

“I don’t think one night could hurt.” He smiled gently as we reached his bed. “why don’t you change into pajamas?” He suggested handing me a pair of his boxers. I nodded slowly before starting to unbutton my jeans.

“Thank you.” I mumbled gently as I pushed my jeans of and pulled on his boxers before crawling into his bed. I laid my head down on his chest and his arms slowly went around my waist rubbing my back through my hoodie.

“I don’t know what’s going on but I want you to know that no matter what happens no matter what time it is I’m here.” He whispered pressing his lips to the top of my head holding me close. I could feel the tears start to drip down my face.

“You’re too good to me.” I managed to choke out before letting my eyes start to fall shut tears still seeping out from the corner of my eyes. Right before I drifted to sleep I could have sworn I heard him say ‘I love you’ but I was probably just dreaming.