Listen to the Thunder

“We need to talk,”

Those were the first words I said when I knocked on Alex’s door the next morning. Alex’s eyes immediately pricked with tears but he nodded, letting me into the dorm.

“I’ll, uh, go get Danny to leave,” Alex mumbled.

I watched helplessly as he shuffled down the corridor to Danny’s bedroom. I’ve never felt shittier than I do right now. Honestly. Knowing that I’m about to break Alex’s heart is something that I never expected or wanted to do, but I have to. After figuring out yesterday evening how deep my love for Kyle really is, I can’t lead Alex on. It’s better this way. I think. I hope.

Minutes later Danny was out of his room and out of the dorm, and Alex sat down next to me.

“I think I know what this is about, Jack,” Alex sighed.

I chewed my bottom lip. “You do?”

“It’s Kyle, isn’t it? You want to leave me for Kyle,” Alex said sadly.

I can’t lie to him, not now.

“Yeah, it is Kyle and I am leaving you for him. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear,” I said softly.

“Did you cheat on me?” Alex asked quietly.

“No! I would never do that!” I whimpered, “You know I wouldn’t!”

“Hey, ssh, calm down,” Alex soothed, taking my hand in his and swiping his thumb back and forth, “I just wanted to know. At least I can say I haven’t been cheated on for you to leave me,”

A lump started to rise in my throat. He sounds so defeated, so resigned. I’m the worst person in the world. Alex is the sweetest, most loving boyfriend ever…but I just can’t love him like I used to. And it’s not fair to him to pretend that I can.

“I love you so much, Lex, but…” I trailed off, not sure how to say it.

“But you love Kyle more,” Alex finished miserably.

It’s even worse that he can read me so well, even at this time.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“It’s okay, Jack,” Alex replied, shaking his head.

What the fuck?!

“How is this okay?! I’m being a complete dick and you’re not even getting upset!” I groaned.

Alex laughed softly, sadly, and shook his head again.

“I was kind of expecting it. At some point at least,” Alex said.

“W-What?” I whimpered.

“You’ve loved Kyle since we were 16. It was clear to everyone how strong your love for him and his love for you was in the summer of Junior year. A love like that doesn’t die out, no matter how much you love someone else. I know you love me and I love you, but I also know that Kyle has a hold over your heart that I could never have,” Alex said softly.

“Oh God, Lex,” I choked.

“I just wished I could’ve been enough, y’know?” Alex frowned.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You really don’t know how sorry I am,” I mumbled miserably, hanging my head.

Alex just stayed silent, letting go of my hand. I didn’t like how empty that felt.

“I can’t lose you, Alex,” I blurted.

Alex chuckled at my outburst, before smiling slightly.

“I can’t lose you either. Obviously it’s going to take a little time for me to come to terms with this all, but you’re still my best friend, Jackalope. I-I don’t want to lose you completely either,”

“I really hate myself for doing this to you,” I muttered, “You’re perfect and I’ve thrown that all away,”

“I’m far from perfect, Jack. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, you know this. But you have Kyle. Go to him. Be with him. I know that’s what you really want,” Alex said sadly.

“How can you be okay with this?” I asked.

“Because, more than anything, I want you to be happy, Jack. I’ve always wanted you to be happy,” Alex told me.

“I want you to be happy too, Lex,” I insisted.

“You want me to be happy?” Alex asked.

“Of course I do!” I nodded, eyes wide.

Alex chewed his bottom lip, as if thinking about something.

“I-I think I could be happy with Caleb,” Alex murmured.

I couldn’t stop my jaw from dropping. C-Caleb? Could I really let them…fuck, why does it matter what I think? I’m leaving Alex for Kyle, so it’s only fair that Alex gets a chance to be happy too, right? But Caleb? No, fuck it, I want Alex to be happy.

“Then make him yours,” I said softly.

Alex looked at me, like really looked at me, before smiling slightly.

“Do you really mean that?” Alex asked.

“Yeah, I do,” I nodded.

Alex smiled even wider and leant forward, pressing his lips firmly to mine. I giggled and kissed back, a sweet tender kiss. I think I’ll always love Alex, but I know that my love for him will never be as strong. And I think that’s okay.

“So…one last fuck?” Alex asked, breaking the kiss.

“Only if by one you mean…”

“Continuous until we pass out in the early hours of the morning, of course Jacky,” Alex laughed, interrupting.

“Then what are we waiting for?” I grinned.

Well that went better than I thought it would. Now to talk to Kyle…