Listen to the Thunder

[Kyle]

I put my phone down on the coffee table, resting my head back against the sofa as I closed my eyes briefly. Classes just ended for the day, so while I wait for Nick to get back I’m just going to chill out in my boxers and my t-shirt in our living area. It’s Pat’s birthday today. I can’t believe it. My longest friend is 20! Not that I’m able to spend it with him, of course. No, I had to go and fuck that up. All I was able to do was call him quickly for 10 minutes while his overprotective should-be-boyfriend-and-my-ex-friend Zack was in the shower. Even though I see Jack and Alex in every single one of my classes, it especially hurt today because I saw Jack across the courtyard at lunch. He was staring at Nick and I with the most pained look I’ve ever seen in anyone’s eyes. He looks so thin, so broken, and I know it’s because of me. I wish everything was different. I wish I’d realised sooner how stupid I was being.

I wish I hadn’t lost Jack.

Jack was the best thing that ever happened to me, and everyone knew it. Even John knew it, and as soon as he found out what I’d done to Jack through Tim who heard from Pat, he sent me the longest, most furious email I ever read, the first time he’s really expressed his opinions to me since we broke up nearly two years ago. I didn’t have the balls to reply. What was I supposed to say to my ex-ex-boyfriend who was taking the side of my ex-boyfriend who was the reason for us breaking up in the first place? Only Pat talks to me now, and that’s very rarely. I hate it. I hate what my life has become. I hate what I did to Jack and I wish I could take it all back. It’s all my fault.

I’ll admit, while I was doing the drugs, I felt on top of the world. I didn’t care about Jack – he always came running back to me. But as soon as he slammed the door in my face that November night, it hit me hard. Christmas back home was so torturous with all our friends hating me that I went to stay at Nick’s instead. I’ll never forget the pure loathing and disgust in their eyes, and the disappointment in Pat’s. And coming back after the Christmas break to see Jack and Alex together…well, that’s when I knew I had to kick my own ass.

I never did any of the really heavy drugs, not like Nick, Halvo and Justin. I was still too scared. But the effects that weed and ecstasy had on me lost me the only man I’d ever truly loved, so I knew I had to stop. It was a horrible, terrifying process, but I’m clean now. It’s been nearly two months since I stopped taking drugs and drinking. I haven’t touched anything, and I don’t even hang around Nick much when he’s taking either. I know Jack will never take me back, not after I cheated on him three times. Three fucking times. How could I even do that to someone so perfect?!

Jack…fuck, I wish I’d never hurt him. I can’t imagine the amount of pain and misery I caused him, but I know that I’m feeling at least a fraction of it now. I always knew Jack and Alex would be good together, and seeing them now only reminds me every day of how much I fucked up. Jack deserves Alex. Alex is an amazing guy, and he loves Jack in the was he deserves. I don't deserve anything any more. I pretty much hate myself, if I’m being honest. If I didn’t have the smallest scrap of affection that Nick gives me, I don’t think I’d care about living any more. I know that’s depressing, but it’s true. I don’t deserve to live, not after what I did to Jack.

And it’s not even as if losing Jack has really gained me anything. Sure, Nick is great in bed, but he’s an asshole! A complete and utter asshole! He expects me to be okay with him sleeping with Halvo and Justin because they somehow persuade me to sleep with them too, and he doesn’t care if I don’t like it. Nick’s never raped me, nor have his friends, but they get me to the point where I’m so turned on that I don’t care what happens to me, and that’s not fair. And Nick will go to Halvo or Justin whenever he thinks I’m being too boring (aka, all the time now that I’m not doing drugs any more), and he doesn’t care that I hate it when he does that.

But I can’t leave him. How sad is that? I can’t leave him because then I’ll have nothing. Having a wisp of affection is better than having nothing and being completely alone. Was it worth losing Jack? No. Can I change the past? No. So I have to deal with whatever crap Nick sends my way.

Speaking of my asshole boyfriend, Nick walked into our small lounge area, pulling a fresh t-shirt over his head. When did he get in?

“Why aren’t you ready?” Nick frowned, glancing down at where I was sitting on the sofa.

“Ready for what?” I frowned.

What’s he talking about?

“I texted you an hour ago, Kyle! Halvo just got some new shit in, so we’re going over there. We’re going to take our clothes off, smoke the shit and see what happens,” Nick smirked.

New shit = drugs. New shit plus no clothes = a four-way orgy. I hate nights like this. Halvo bites too hard and Justin is way too rough. Nick will go regardless of whether I go or not, because he wants his high and sex along with it. But Nick knows I gave up drugs after Christmas after I saw Jack and Alex together. So why would I go with him?

“My phone is dead. And I don’t want to go. Why can’t we just have a night in? Just the two of us?” I pleaded.

“Is there something wrong with my friends?” Nick asked coldly.

“O-Of course not! I just…I want to spend some time together. Alone,” I mumbled, biting my bottom lip.

“And we will. After,” Nick shrugged.

I whined, tilting my head back. Why doesn’t he understand?! Jack would understand.

“I don’t do drugs anymore, Nick! Remember?” I sighed.

“It’s just one time,” Nick scoffed, rolling his eyes.

And one time leads to another time, and another time, and another time…

“No, I don’t want to,” I said firmly, standing up.

Nick narrowed his eyes at me, making me swallow hard. I know that look in his eye. It’s not a good one.

“Don’t be boring, babe,” Nick said, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not boring,” I muttered.

I hate it when he calls me boring. Just because I don’t do drugs any more doesn’t mean I’m boring! He always says that he won’t hang out with me if I’m being boring, and I want to hang out with him – he’s so badass, y’know? I’ve never met anyone like Nick and his friends, and I was entranced on the first day. I did anything and everything I could to make them like me, and although it cost me Jack in the process, I got what I thought I wanted. And now I have Nick. Was it worth it? No. Can I change the past? No. I’m fucked up and I know it.

But if I lose Nick too, I have nothing left at all.

“You don’t want to have any fun anymore, Kyle! All this teetotal shit – we’re college students! We’re meant to go crazy and let loose!” Nick said angrily.

“I lost all my friends from back home because of drugs, you know this!” I hissed, clenching my fists.

“You have me, Halvo and Justin, what more do you need?” Nick scowled.

He just doesn’t get it. I shook my head and started to walk into my room, only to be held back by Nick’s hand wrapping around my wrist.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Nick said darkly. His grip tightened, making me wince. Oww, shit!

“Watch me,” I snapped, wrenching my arm out of his hand.

Nick scowled even more and slammed me into the wall, crashing our lips together. I tried to push him away, but as soon as his hand starting rubbing my crotch, I was lost and I started kissing back, only encouraging Nick to kiss me more furiously. I don’t know at what point Halvo and Justin came in, but before I knew it I was naked on my back on Nick’s bed, three pairs of lips attached to my body, hands running everywhere.

Is this worth losing Jack? No. Can I change the past? Hell fucking no. But I wish I could.