Aim High, Never Rest

I don’t know why I accepted Kandi’s invitation. Maybe I was desperate for any kind of distraction. The distraction I thought could make me forget about my hopelessness. But accepting her invitation was a bad mistake.

Kandi, Logan, and Carlos are the other participants of this delicious pizza lunch. I mean I would be fine if I just went with Kandi and Logan, but being so close to Carlos made me think about how fat and unattractive I am. He is a walking reminder of how much of a failure I deem myself to be.

The waitress brought us to a table of four. Everyone started choosing their seats so I made a beeline after Kandi. I ended up sitting next to her, as I wished, while Carlos and Logan sat on the other side.

I was somehow relieved but Carlos was across from me, directly looking at me while playing with the bottle of pepper in the basket. It’s nice to be near him but all the good come with the bad. I have to endure my failure to capture him.

“Hannah, I’m so glad you came with us” Carlos exclaimed, shooting me the most adorable smile I’ve ever seen in my life.

I couldn’t help but smile back at him. It’s so hard to avoid his gaze when the look of his face is so pleasant and inviting.

“We can eat different kinds of pizza! Just think about it! We are all going to be on an island with only pizza to eat!”

“That’s a stupid island” Logan mumbled.

Carlos pouted at Logan. He didn’t like how Logan shot down his wonderful idea of his imagination. The two continued bickering about an ideal island. It’s stupid really, but it’s very cute to watch.

I stared on for a while and decided to take my eyes off of the boys. I turned beside me at the brown haired girl.

Kandi sat there with her arms on the table. She didn’t intervene in their conversation. She was in her own little world.

From talking to her before, I knew she just went to the callback for Varsity Vampires 3. The movie will make it far, judging by the buzz about it. I’ve read the Varsity Vampires series and I’ve always wondered who was going to play Addison.

I hope that Kandi will.

She would be amazing I bet.

“Hey Kandi” I nudged her.

She looked over at me and flashed a soft smile.

“Excited?” I gestured toward her phone.

She didn’t speak. But she shrugged.

Kandi was excited. She just won’t admit it.

The waitress came over, interrupting Carlos and Logan’s heated argument.

“What would you like to order?” she asked with an overplayed smile.

Carlos’ face lit up at once and started throwing random demands at the waitress. The young woman looked rather flustered and distressed trying to get all of his orders down. Carlos continued blabbering while I just stared at his lips.

They are just so damn kissable.

“Carlos, I think you’ve ordered enough” Logan took the liberty of saving the poor lady’s life.

He pouted and stared at the killjoy.

“I think we’ll just eat whatever he ordered. I don’t think he’d finish them all by himself” Logan commented.

The waitress nodded, excusing herself. She’s probably going to make herself a nice, soothing cup of coffee.

That’s what I would do. But then, I would love to take Carlos’ orders, if you know what I mean.

“How’s your modeling, Hannah?” Kandi asked, glancing at Carlos for a second before looking back at me.

I have a feeling she knows.

“Um… it’s good” I can feel Carlos stare at me from the corner of my eyes. I feel a part of me burn, knowing that he’s noticing how much of a fatass I am. Who wouldn’t notice, anyways?

“Is Katie still your manager?”Kandi looked slightly amused.

She had no idea how talented Katie was.

“Yes”

Logan snorted and I turned to glare at him. He panicked before looking away.

Kandi glanced at him for a few seconds and laughed.

“That’s not funny, blondie is scary!” he defended, pointing at me.

I shrugged, not knowing what other gestures to make.

“Well, I think she’s pretty cute” Carlos said to his friend defensively.

Kandi shot me a suggestive look.

Carlos is a liar. I just know it. Everyone’s forming a conspiracy against me to boost up my self-esteem with lies. That’s a smart plan but I’m not going to fall for it. I know I won’t.

I don’t want to say anything more. Feeling neglected and ugly is not a positive feeling. I just don’t want to express my negativity and affect the others. They are enjoying their wonderful lives as it is. I’m the only one suffering so I should keep my comments to myself.

Luckily, the chance to talk was interrupted by a different waitress. She put a 12” pizza on the table and Carlos picked the first piece up even before the lady could pull her hands away. He glanced at the pizza eagerly and hungrily in some sort of obsession.

From all the things I’ve learned about him, I know more than most people that Carlos loved eating. He would consider it a hobby if Logan wasn’t constantly around to criticize his insane ideas.

I love his insane ideas. That’s what makes him Carlos.

“What flavor is it?” I heard Kandi whisper to Logan.

“Jalapeno”

I grimaced.

I don’t want to eat. I’d get fatter if I engulf anymore of this crap society offers. Usually, I’d enjoy Jalapeno but I didn’t care about being fat at the time. This time, though, I’m more determined than ever to be skinny.

Logan and Kandi dug in their food shortly, leaving me empty handed. I don’t mind that everyone’s eating and I’m just here staring. But they won’t get fat when they eat. I do.

Carlos looked away from his food and his eyes landed on me.

“Hannah, eat some” he said with his mouth full. He picked up a slice of pizza with his free hand and dropped it on my paper plate.

Kandi was talking with Logan ad Carlos was starting to get involved. So I have a chance to hide the slice.

“You guys must love Gustavo, only he would pull you out of class”
Logan just smiled at her sheepishly. He didn’t say anything else and he looked down at his food. Carlos started on his fifth slice of pizza.

I took the time to think of a plan. I glanced around desperately, hoping to hide my food in an unsusceptible way.

My eyes landed on my coach bag. It was my favorite bag, but I can buy more. I just needed a way out of this jam.

When I’m sure that no one is looking, I dropped the pizza into my bag. My phone and makeup set will probably be greasy and ruined but these things I can replace.

I looked back up to see Kandi eying me suspiciously. Fucking shit. She can’t find out.

“Hannah, we should hang out more” Carlos suggested.

“Yeah”

“We haven’t hung out much lately, I noticed”

“Yeah same”

I’d really like to hang out with him but not when I’m such a fat bitch.

The waitress came over to retrieve the empty plate and replaced it with another 12” pizza. This time, it was pepperoni.

“Carlos” Logan groaned.

“I can eat them all” he replied defensively. “And Hannah will help me”

I swore under my breath. Isn’t one slice enough? Even though I didn’t technically eat it, but still.

“We will all help you” Kandi said, shooting me a serious look.

She knew what I did. I think she knows.

“Yeah I only ate a piece” Logan complained.

“Eat as much as you can” Kandi reassured.

For once, I am thankful for her. She knew what I was doing, yet she was willing to help me. To help get rid of the pizza slices for me.

But when I turned forward, I glanced at a new piece of Pepperoni pizza on my place, horror written all over my face.

“You act like you’ve seen a ghost” Carlos said.

I ignored him and just stared.

“Eat! You don’t eat very much”

“Carlos, please understand that I’m not in the mood to eat today”

“Why?”

“Because, I ate already” I lied. It was a very stupid lie but if Carlos believed me then it will work.

Carlos frowned.

“Fine” he finally said. I sighed in relief. “But just eat one piece for me”

I groaned.

“Please” he shot me a puppy dog pout. I tried to look away but I can’t. He’s so adorable and handsome and amazing. I feel like I want him more than anything else in this world. I really do. But I can’t. Everything about me is wrong, while every quality in him fits him right.

“Fine” I caved in. It was hard when he gave me that look. He’s just so gorgeous; I can’t bring myself to deny his wish.

I picked up the pizza. One slice wouldn’t hurt. I’m already fat anyways.

Carlos stared at me and watched as I stuffed the food into my mouth. I chewed desperately, not swallowing it. I fear the moment of swallowing. If I swallowed, more fat will invite themselves into my imperfect body. I can’t have that.

The sound of buzzing interrupted my desperate attempt to throw Carlos off. And I thank god for that.

Kandi picked up her phone and nearly squealed. She looked around her and placed the phone to her ear. Logan nudged Carlos and glanced at Kandi excitedly. He was there to support her whether she got the part or not. I appreciate that in friendship. I never really encountered what real friendship felt like but watching it from afar felt nice.

When I notice that Carlos and Logan were glancing at Kandi, I picked my bag up to my face and threw all the contents from my mouth. I hide the rest of that slice under the sofa seat. I don’t think Carlos would notice. Kandi might but she already knew. What’s the point of hiding anyways?

“Yes this is Kandi Jenkins” she said, nervously. A large smile formed on her lips. “Yeah” she hummed.

“I got the part? Really? Thanks, bye” she hung up quickly before her voice got too shaky. She was excited but she didn’t jump around like a lunatic. She maintained her coolness as she hugged Logan.

When they broke apart, Kandi pulled me into a hug. I was surprised. Why would she hug a fatass? I don’t know if she felt bad for me or really consider me as her friend, but I really hope it’s the latter one.

She let go of me and glanced at Carlos. They looked at each other awkwardly before shaking hands.

“Good job, Kandi”