Aim High, Never Rest

A week went by since the nasty incident with Carley, and I can’t say I’ve been more proud of my accomplishments. Everywhere I went, people give me looks. They either whisper to each other, gawk at me, or examine me carefully until I disappeared from their peripheral vision. Most of the residents eyed me with hostility. None of it affects me. As long as I’m talked about, it’s all good. You know what they all say, haters gonna hate.

Jordan didn’t treat me differently, which was different than I expected. He still looked at me like he did when we started going out. My aggressive nature did nothing to scare him away, and it surprised me. Sometimes, I wonder what he sees in me. Everyone views me in a negative perception but none of their thoughts and opinion changed his mind about me. He sees me the way he wants to without gaining influence from anyone else.

Every time I pass Carley in the hotel lobby or in school, I give her the nastiest sneer I can display and the expression is usually returned. The ignorant piece of little shit still thinks she can stoop up to my level. I reach the highest standards and it takes more than her shitty little looks to get her up to where I am. Her angry expressions fail to faze me in any kind of way. The talking-in-Jo’s-ears-when-I-pass-by does nothing to my feelings; no paranoia, no discomfort or self-consciousness.

They can talk all the shit they want. All they are trying to do is break me down. One tried to trash talk my music while the other tried to steal my boyfriend. What they don’t realize is that I always win. I never let anyone take me down or use my weaknesses against me. So far, no one ever showed me up, and I like it to remain that way.

“Where are you going, Maxine?” I turned from approaching the apartment door to my best friend.

Collin eyed me suspiciously, leaning against the wall beside the kitchen counter. He folded his arms across his chest and glanced at me expectantly for an answer.

I rolled my eyes at him, shrugging. What I do on a free day is none of his business. Collin may be my best friend and band mate, but what I do is my concern and my concern only.

“Are you going to see Jordan again?” he asked.

“None of your business” I muttered, turning back to the door.

He didn’t say anything else as I turned the doorknob and entered the lobby of floor 3. With the room card in my leather jacket pocket, I swaggered my way to the elevator and pressed the down button. I waited impatiently with my arms across my chest.

Collin had been fed up with the time I spend with Jordan. I have no idea why but I don’t doubt that it’s for a selfish reason. He probably thinks I’m losing my cool when I’m around Jordan, which might be slightly true. Hawk, on the other hand, was glad I made a name for myself on music blogs or social networking sites.

According to our CEO producer, I have over one thousand tagged posts on Tumblr. Apparently, the reasoning of this newfound fame was because of my relationship with Jordan. Pictures of the two of us washed over people’s dashboard and they search me, wondering who I am to be dating their rock star hunk. Through their research of me, some of the bunch got into our band, my music. The recognition increased promotion for our upcoming EP, to Hawk’s pleasure.

I just don’t understand why Collin wasn’t enthusiastic about this. My theory, however, is on Collin’s developing crush for that foolish girl. He would never admit it out loud, but I think he’s stupidly angry that Jordan was the subject of my aggression towards her.

The elevator door opened, revealing annoying Kendall and Carlos. I rolled my eyes at them and entered. Trust me; I considered closing the door before walking in and waiting for the elevator to come up from the lobby. But unfortunately, I have a meeting with Jordan downstairs. He might be waiting for me already.

“Hey, Maxine!” Carlos chirped enthusiastically.

I mumbled my half-assed greeting to Carlos and ignored Kendall’s presence. He is just so annoying with his little hockey stick and his atrocious little uniform to go with it. Throwing hockey balls around in the Palm Woods lobby does not make him cooler than anyone else. He is just looked down upon as childish. I wonder how long it would take for him to realize that he’s just making a fool out of himself. Playing hockey doesn’t make him cooler. It doesn’t make people like him more.

“Gustavo said that Jordan is wrapping up the vocal recording of his band’s album” Kendall stated, acting like I actually care.

Of course I care about Jordan and his studio progress. It’s just the fact that Kendall mentioning it means nothing to me. He thinks he can use Jordan as the subject to start a conversation between us, but in reality, I have better things to do than to converse with a hockey hooligan. Honestly, I’m just too cool to waste my time talking to him.

As if god sensed my discomfort in the elevator, we arrived at the lobby and I immediately stormed out without another word. I pushed past a group of teenagers who happened to block my path to the sofa and ignored their dirty look of disapproval.

Jordan was seated on the sofa, his light brown hair messy from the lack of care for it. He wore a striped jacket over his black shirt, accompanying it with his usual attire of dark tight jeans and converse sneakers. He looked good, as always, not that I’d ever admit it out loud. His face lit up when he saw me approaching him and he shifted from his spot to make room for me.

I sat down beside him and he smiled at me in greeting.

“What’s the occasion?” I asked.

He frowned slightly, shaking his head.

“Lose the attitude, Maxine” he said, placing a hand on my leather covered shoulder.

I sighed but agreed with him anyways. Somehow, I would only listen to him when he tells me to quit my bitchy attitude. It’s just something about his aura that forced me to agree. Usually, I’d return a snide or witty remark to retaliate someone’s request for me to drop my attitude.

“Sorry, Kendall’s presence irritated me” I apologized, retracting my legs and resting them on the sofa cushion.

Jordan smirked, pulling my legs toward him and dropping them on his lap. I leaned back to the side of the sofa handle so that I was facing him. He looked up, past me and waved at whatever was behind me. I didn’t even need to turn around to know who he was greeting.

“Hey Jordan, good job in the studio” I hear Carlos’ overexcited voice and refrained from scoffing.

“Thanks Carlos, I look forward to working with Big Time Rush one day. Also, good luck with your studio progress. Gustavo is the best producer I’ve ever worked with. He might need a slight attitude adjustment—“ I hear Kendall scoff from behind me, “—he is still the best nonetheless. Very talented man”

“Nice meeting you, Jordan” the two said some more phrases of farewell before finally retreating to the hotel pool.

Something Kendall and Carlos said bothered me though. Why were they talking to him like they won’t see him for a while? If god really loved me, Big Time Rush would leave Palm Woods for a few months in order to tour. Maybe I wouldn’t have to look at their stupid faces when they leave for tour. Or… it could be the other alternative.

“Jordan?” I eyed him curiously and from the way he looked back at me, he knew exactly where I was getting at.

“Wait, just let me explain” he backtracked, holding his index finger up to calm me down.

I held a hard glare and removed my legs from his lap harshly.

“You are leaving for tour and you told Big Time Rush before you plan on telling me”

Jordan’s mouth went agape as if he didn’t believe I was smart enough to figure that out. He, of all people, should know that I’m very intelligent. I’m a musical genius, why would I be lacking IQ to figure something so obvious out?

“No, that’s not it at all” Jordan said, almost too quickly.

I rolled my eyes, almost wanting to bark into sarcastic laughter.

“Then why am I down here for?” I asked, trying to bite my tongue from spitting out an insulting comment.

He sighed deeply, scratching his messy brown hair nervously. Maybe he’s intimidated by me for the first time in his life. He is acting as if I’m putting him on the spot, but judging by the glare I have on him, I probably am.

“To break up with you” he finally said after a long session of contemplation.

I scoffed, shaking my head in disbelief. He is not going to go on tour and act like he’s the one dumping me. I am going to be the one dumping his sorry ass if anything. He will not treat me like I’m the pathetic clingy one. I am the stronger one and I should be the one to dump him.

“Well, luckily, I was about to dump you anyways” I replied nonchalantly, shrugging my shoulders like I have no fucks to give.

Seriously, I should be the one acting cool about it. And I’m totally fine with it. Nothing in the world, including Jordan, can make me feel inferior. I will always have the upper hand and Jordan is not going to ruin my reputation.

He looked at me, an expression I’d like to think he was faking; but I feel it. I feel the sincerity and the truth in it. He’s acting like my comment would hurt him. I don’t want to feel sympathetic because he is the one attempting to dump me. I guarantee anyone that it’s not going to happen. I’m going to be the one breaking his heart, not the other way around.

“Maxine, stop acting like I mean nothing to you” he said, a little tint of sadness in his voice.

I’m trying to convince myself that he is only faking it. He wants to leave this place with my heart broken. He wants me to ache for him and hurt for him when he gets the hell out of this place. I have a feeling I know his intension of coming here. His goal is to break my heart and he’s just a damn good actor, making me try my hardest to ignore his mock sincerity.

“You never mean much to me, but you did mean something. So whatever, bro. I’m done” I got up from my seat on the sofa.

“You didn’t let me explain” he said in attempt to stopping me from leaving.

He sounds so desperate right now, trying to make me feel like a cold-hearted bitch. I am a bitch with no heart, and that’s what made me invincible. When I finally opened a part of my heart for him, he decides to wreck it and take advantage of it. I know exactly what he was trying to do.

“I don’t want to hear your half-assed explanation”

“You don’t understand, Maxine. I really like you a lot, I still do” he pleaded, trying to get me to turn around.

He already succeeded in preventing my further movement of walking away. I don’t know why I stayed to listen to him talk and beg. There’s something about Jordan that made me feel different. It’s so hard to just walk away. He is Jordan, the first person I’ve ever opened my heart to. It takes more than a good smile and a good face to make me feel like this, so there must be something about him.

I hate him, or I’m trying to convince myself that I do, but something in him got me to stay.

“You are a liar” I muttered, trying to sound intimidating.

“Maxine, look at me, will you?”

“Don’t tell me what to do, you failed heartbreaker”

“I’m sorry if I broke your heart”

“You think you are worth my heart breaking? Yeah, you wish” I smirked, trying to bury the slight aching in my chest.

I will not let him walk away in victory. Maxine Johnson always kicks ass. Jordan is no exception to that rule.

“I have to go back to New York to review album release information with my band and I don’t want to hurt you anymore with a long distance relationship. I decided that departing from you is what’s best for us” he explained, forcing me to turn around with his grip on either side of my shoulder.

My glare on him hardened.

“You are right” I said.

“Glad you under—“

“You are not worth the trouble of a long-distance relationship” I spat at him, forcing his grip away from me.

His mouth opened slightly for a response, but not before I stormed away toward the elevator.

“Maxine, come back!”

I ignored him, speeding up my steps in fury. I’m considering taking the stairs. The elevator takes too damn long to get down here.

“Maxine” someone called. The voice belonged to a female, not Jordan.

Groaning in frustration, I turned to Carley who shot me a mixed look of uncertainty and hostility.

“What do you want?” I asked, overly irritated.

I am not in the mood to deal with Carley. If she’s trying to rub Jordan’s departure in my face, she could do it another time. I just need to go back to my room and write my song.

“I have to tell you something and I should’ve told you before. Now that Jordan’s leaving, I think I should tell you” she said, eyes wandering our surroundings.

Trust me, I’m not stupid enough to stick a knife through her chest with witnesses around. I’m not that stupid. If I were to perform that crime, I would do it in private.

“Just say it and leave me alone” I sighed, folding my arms across my chest.

“The only reason why I got so worked up over Jordan is because of motivation” she confessed, glancing sideways.

I rolled my eyes. I’m not going to take her stupid apology now. I have better things to do with my time, especially when today is my only free day this week.

“And your point is…?”

“Kendall encouraged me to fight for Jordan. I guess I did. So I think Kendall is trying to get back at you for something you did to him. I know you can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I think it’s messed up to break someone’s heart just for revenge. He could get back at you with a prank or something, but not using someone to hurt you”

At this moment, my hate for Carley decreased by a bit. She has a heart, god bless her. I mean, my previous perception of her remained stiff, but she at least have the balls to tell me the piece of information. All this time, my anger was directed toward Carley, Jo, and recently, Jordan when the host of my problems is Kendall.

He was the one suggesting me to go for Jordan. He offered the help and all of a sudden, Jordan was into me. Then Jordan decides that he could leave and break my heart. Obviously, Kendall planned it all in attempt to hurt me. But he is stupid. I am not affected by his upcoming departure. I am definitely not.

“I’m going to talk to him” Carley mumbled, eying Jordan’s form on the sofa.

I ignored her and turned for the direction of the pool. Kendall was standing by the pool, talking to Jo. Carlos and James are already in the pool, splashing water at each other. They seem satisfied and contempt with their time of relaxation. I am not in the mood to watch everyone else happy while I’m in the mood to kill someone.

With my hands balled up in fists, I stormed to the pool, walking up to the chattering couple. Jo was the first to watch me approach. Her eyes widened and her mouth went agape as I shoved Kendall, forcing him to fall in the pool.

Water splattered everyone while everyone stopped their activities to observe. Gasps filled the room and Kendall struggled to get to the edge of the pool. He shot me a questioning look, as if he was so damn innocent. I may be the bitch, but people like him are the reason why I am what I am.

“What is the matter with you?” Kendall asked, flabbergasted.

I love how stupid he tried to make himself look. He can be all oblivious and shit, but I know he’s just purposely trying to make me feel stupid.

“I hope you die, Kendall” I yelled, pointing my index finger at him.

“What did I even do?” he looked exasperated, holding his hands out in confusion.

It’s all a stupid act, I know.

“Your little plan to make Jordan break my heart didn’t work. So why don’t you go hang yourself with sausages of your failures?”

I turned from all the shocked faces, just ignoring them since I’m the shit, and stalked to the lobby.

When I got to my room, Collin and Tyson was seated on the kitchen table, doing their math homework. I rolled my eyes at them when they looked up.

“What’s wrong, Maxine?” Collin asked, looking merely concerned.

I brushed him off, entering my room and closing the door behind me. This is my alone time, time to myself, to let my emotions sink in. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this time, but I just needed to be away from people. I’m so sick and tired of members of the human species. They are just so damn ignorant and cynical.

Couldn’t Kendall just leave me alone? I’ve never done anything to him. Sure, I’m a bitch, but I’ve never hurt him physically or emotionally. Getting back at me for no reason makes him immature.

Someone knocked on my door and I growled lowly in anger. I wanted my alone time.

“Jordan is knocking on the door asking for you, should I let him in?” Tyson asked from the door.

“Tell him to fuck off and leave” I grumbled.

“Will do”

A few seconds later, the knocks on the door returned.

“Why can’t he go away?” I screamed, banging my head against the wall.

Maybe a part of me wanted to see Jordan for one last time before his departure. I’m afraid to think that I actually cared about Jordan. I don’t think I’d ever truthfully admit that, but Jordan meant something to me. He broke through my wall and my barriers against the world and he made me feel emotions I never thought possible. Maybe that’s why I’m so angry. My anger doesn’t come from my bitchiness; it comes from the fact that I care more than I should.

“He cares about you. He likes you. He doesn’t want the last conversation to be the negative ending”

I can’t believe I’m feeling my eyes well up in tears. It’s never happened since my dumb high school years. My head shook ferociously, banging against the door a few more times.

“Tell him to leave and go to hell”

“You sure you want me to do that?” Tyson asked, sounding a bit weary.

I made a sound of affirmative because I was too afraid to croak out my answer. If Tyson heard the insecurities in my voice, I would be broken. I would be discovered by the world. Jordan can go to hell, and I know I care now. But with him gone, the feeling will eventually fade. It will go away.

“Okay, Jordan left you a present by the door and left his address and number in case you want to stay in contact with him. He wants me to tell you goodbye for him, and that he was sorry for letting you down. He wasn’t using you or trying to break your heart. He actually wanted to get to know you. But he was just stalling the whole time because he knew he had to return to Poughkeepsie at some time”

I rolled my eyes and got up from my nasty slump on the floor. Making sure that the tears from my eyes disappeared, I unlocked the door and threw it open. Tyson jumped back in shock, dark hair flying backwards with him.

“The gift?”

“By the door, Maxine”

I pushed past him to reach the door to find it open. A motorcycle stood there by the door, all hunky and shiny. The automobile looked as good as new and the black metal features looked perfectly polished. I don’t even know what emotion I was feeling at this moment. No one ever bought me anything before, let alone a badass motorcycle.

There was a note on the floor and I picked it up.

Maxine,

I do like you. I just thought I could be the one to bring out the best in you and discover the real you. But, I realized that the person to love you for who you are isn’t me. There is someone else for you in this world so don’t completely shut your heart down. Try to be more open-minded and you will achieve your dreams. You will learn the true meaning of life and find out things you never knew possible.

Enjoy this motorcycle. I actually planned on giving this to you for our first date, but the mechanic couldn’t get it delivered in time.

Remember, someone in this world care about you.

Sincerely,
Jordan C.