Nerds Get the Guys

It's after english when mr beckett says we need to talk, i'm thinking oh shit! "Ryan i think you should see a consoler..." Fuck not him too" i don't need to see anyone ,i've been to six fucking consolers and none helped!" he try's to continue i just slam my books down and sit on the floor plugging my ears and breathing; the method i used when i was six and hiding in the closet."Ryan.. Ryan, " i finally calm down and he's staring at me "are you okay?" I get up and grab my books "fine." I decide to leave now and run to my room, passing brendon on the way. I Get inside and toss my books down, and turn on the radio. With the music blasting i scream as loud as i can, then i rip off the gloves i was wearing and grab my razor.

After ten minutes i calm down just enough to turn my music down and breath, fuck i need to learn how to control this;and not by physically injuring myself. I decide to go back to i hide the blade and fix my gloves back on and walk back to the classroom, but mr b is gone i find walker and a few others though."Hey look it's the tranny, hey freak why don't you go fuck around somewhere else." "Yeah or you can suck this big guy right here," today i guess is just not my day.I take off my glasses and when i do jon is standing in front of me "i'[m not scared to slap a bitch," he mumbles and i deck him in the jaw. I'm on top of him beating his face in until spencer's strong arms pull me away, i don't fucking dare to resist him.

"He broke my god damn nose!" Spencer grabs my glasses and rushes me to my dorm, again passing brendon on the way;but this time i could care less. I sit on my bed as spencer grabs a wet cloth, "what the fuck were you thinking?!?!" He seems... Worried? "I was beating the shit out of him, i'm tired of being the one to get hurt enough of that shit...." he smiles weakly dabbing the blood from my face, i didn't even realize jon had fought back."How about i take you to see gabe... he seemed to help ," i sigh "fine..." So he pulls me up i open the door and brendon's right there, now i blush ; fucking femininity oozing out of my pores right now.

"uhh hey you ran by kinda fast.. What happened to your face!" His fingers brush my cheek and my face is near purple i'm guessing, "i..i..." "He got into a fight with your friend because jonathan was talking shit. Now i'm taking him off to see someone," woah did spencer just get all mama bear on his ass? mmm his perfect ass.. Before i can say anything spencer has me over his shoulder and it's bringing back horrible memories, "PUT . ME . FUCKING . DOWN." I growl and he listens today just isn't my day, i push into the office and gabe's relaxing at his desk."Hello gabriel..." He looks at me and smiles, "ryan nice to see you coming back for more than one session this year?"

I sit down and pout "mr b says i need therapy and i just broke jon walkers nose because they called me a tranny.I can't look at myself because of the things on my back and i have a major obsession with a boy who is defiantly straight... But one good thing is he knows my name." I stop and the tightness i'd been feeling in my chest lightens," i see... Ryan i think we should call your father and we can all..." "Bastards dead, good fucking riddance..." I don't even want to talk about that man, i refuse to call him my father, as far as i'm concerned i never had any parent."Ryan what happened between you and your dad?" Here we go.

"I don't want to talk about it," last time i did it was to the police. "Ryan..." He sighs "please we'll just start with what happened then we can drop it okay?" "He molested me okay, happy now mom left the little three year old with a fucking wino who did blow then touched his son.It went on till i was six and i told the neighbor, happy now..." i'm messed up but it's not my fucking fault...

Three days later***

I'm playing on my lap top writing a story about brendon and i fucking, don't worry i also have a window up about elephants; i like elephants don't care what you think. "Hey uhhh,"i look up jon's looming over me;nose taped up."What do you want?" I don't try to be a bitch i just don't feel like dealing with bull today. "To apologize," i stop "what?" He pulls a chair up and already people are staring."I'm sorry i was a jerk, you didn't really deserve that." "Uhh thanks jon, and my name is ryan by the way.." He shakes my hand "your actually not that bad looking, and i know someone else who thinks so."

Then he leaves, and i'm going what the fuck?!?!? Shaking my head i save my 'story'... Okay porno story to a special file called elephant.I pick it up and carry it home, gabe said i should look at them at least once a day ;kinda therapy. Bad thing about this and the one thing i didn't tell him.. Okay one of the two things i didn't tell him i cut when i look at them because physical pain distracts me from the mental pain when i look at it;the second thing is i have a loaded pistol in my dresser drawer. But none the less i strip off my vest and t-shirt and stare at the marks in the mirror, i resist to cut for ten minutes. Then i give in and drag the blade light and fast across my wrists, depression is status quo; and euphoria is a wrist on the floor.

I'm relaxing blade away shirt back on when there's a knock at the door, who could that be...