Hold on Tight and Don't Look Back

“Dude, you killed it out there!” Frank was smiling as he patted me on the back.

“Yeah, great job, Lexi, I think you may have given Frankie a run for his money,” Ray raised his arm signifying he wanted to give me a high five.

“I don’t know about that, I didn’t jump on top of the kick drum or do anything that crazy,” I smiled.

“Either way, the crowd loved you, and your crazy outfit,” Mikey was laughing, clearly he disapproved of my fashion choices.

“Hey, can I talk to you outside for a minute?”Gerard asked. His eyes were focused on the linoleum floor beneath his feet, his hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his blue jeans, and he was shaking. Something was wrong, I could tell.

“Uhm, sure.” Honestly, I didn’t care what Gerard had to say. I was seriously at the end of my rope with this guy, I had to tie it around my waist to keep me from falling over the edge of the cliff. One minute he’s a happy go lucky musician and the next he’s a pissed off at the world, short tempered idiot. How am I supposed to have civil conduct with someone who is liable to freak out at any second? It’s like I’m walking on a path that’s filled with hot coals underneath, one wrong move and I’d get burned.

“I just wanted you to know, you did a great job tonight. It’s a lot of fun singing with you on stage,” he was staring down at the pavement. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me while complimenting me on my performance. I think that deserves an “epic fail” label. Maybe I should make him a t-shirt that reads “epic fail” in large, bold letters so the world can see just how much of a fake he really is.

“Uhm, thanks, I guess.” It was a half-hearted acceptance, to say the least. I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow morning he took it back, saying he was over tired and really thought I did a shitty job and should never be allowed to play with them again.

“Look, the truth is, I’m really glad you’re here with us. You’re just so beautiful, and you’re always so happy. You have this crazy, positive outlook on life, I can’t even fathom where it comes from.” He took a few steps forward, positioning his body merely inches away from mine.

“Gerard I - ” His warm, soft lips grazed mine in a fast, sweeping motion. I could smell the scent of swet and cigarettes radiating off of his body.

“Gerard Way! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! You can’t just go and kiss every fucking girl you meet, damn it, Gerard you ruin everything. What the hell is your problem?! Get the fuck away from her, she doesn’t like you anyway you dick.” Mikey came bursting through the back door of the venue, his face was red, fuming with anger and covered in tears.

“Mikey, just let me explain, I have a - ” Mikey had managed to make his way from the door to Gerard in less than three seconds, and tackle him to the ground in less than two. Fists were flying left and right and I could hear muffled verbal attacks from both Mikey and Gerard as they rolled around on the cold Chicago pavement.

The first reaction that came into my mind was to run, and that’s exactly what I did. I let my legs carry me as far away from the scene as possible, to a place where I hoped to never be found. The bitter Chicago wind howled and whipped across my exposed face, I was shivering, and I was near the point of frost bite. I found a bench nestled in between two fully grown oak trees, it seemed the perfect place of refuge. I sat down, allowing my legs to feel the intensity of the frozen metal, and curled my body into a tight ball. I could feel the beginnings of tears rolling down my cheeks and sticking to my neck. From down the road I could see the outline of a shadow.

“There you are!” Frank was gasping for air. “I’ve been running all over looking for you, you had me worried sick!” He sat down beside me on the bench and placed a jacket over my shoulders.

“I knew you didn’t have a coat, so I grabbed the first jacket I could find. I didn’t want you getting sick out here.” He scooted over so that his side was touching mine and placed his arm around my back, causing me to shiver; I could feel the heat escaping from his body as it fought the pungent temperatures.

“Thanks,” I sighed.

“What happened back there, why did you leave?”

“Gerard..k-kissed m-me. I s-shouldn’t b-b-be h-here. I’m c-c-causing t-too much t-trouble,” by now the tears were freely escaping from my eyes, I just couldn’t accept the fact that all of this was my fault.

“No, no you’re not Lexi,” Frank began to rub my back, trying to take away the pain. “Gerard was being an idiot, he should have known better, he knows his brother likes you. I don’t know what his problem has been lately, but I’m sure Mikey will talk to him and work it out.”

“I don’t like to see brothers fighting, especially when it’s my fault. I caused Mikey to tackle Gerard like that, if I wasn’t here that would have never happened, they’d be safe in their bunks right now,” I raised my hand to wipe the tear stains from my eyes.

“Sometimes, brothers need a good fist fight to solve their problems. It’s a guy thing,” Frank was laughing. I’m glad someone could be happy in this situation, but it certainly wasn’t me.

“I think I should just go home and go back to my old life. You guys would be a hell of a lot better off without me. All I do is cause problems left and right, I’m fucking useless, Frank, I’m useless.”

“Don’t say that, you’re not useless. You came out on stage with us tonight and gave the fans a great show. You’re able to make Mikey smile, and he rarely smiles. You get Ray to say the stupidest things, which, if nothing else, gives me a good laugh, and you’re a great friend.”

“Really..?” I sniffled my nose and looked up at him.

“Yes, and no matter what Gerard does I know he’s happy you’re here with us. These past couple of days have been the most fun we’ve had on this whole tour, and that’s because of you,” he smiled and poked me in the chest.

“Thank you, for everything.” I wrapped my arms around his cold body and clutched him with all my might.

“Ray’s talking to them, it’ll all be okay,” for the second time today Frank pushed my hair out of my face and behind my ears, exposing my saddened face to the world. “Come on, let’s go.” He stood up, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up next to him.

“I’m scared, Frank. What if they’re still fighting? What if they hate me?” My voice fluctuated as I spoke, going from low to high and back again, illustrating the depth of my worries.

“They won’t be, Ray has knack for calming them down, he’s always been good at it. And, they don’t hate you, Lexi, they really care about you. To tell you the truth, when their Aunt told them about you, and how your dad passed away when you were little, and how your mom works all the time, and all the shit you’ve been through, they were really upset. They wanted to pick you up from your house right then and there and give you a loving house to come home to,” his fingers slowly slipped down my arm and began to lace themselves with mine.

“Really,” I asked, walking hand in hand with him towards the bus.

“Yup, they even had a countdown waiting for the day they got to meet you,” he looked over at me, a smile was plastered across his face.
“Oh, wow. Just wow,” I laughed.

“Hey, you’re laughing, and smiling,” Frank seemed to pride himself on that little fact.

“Yeah, it’s nice to feel loved. Ever since I lost my dad I’ve never really felt like anyone truly cared about me. I mean, sure my mom looked after me and bought me a lot of stuff, but it’s just not the same, it’s not that close kind of love.”

“I understand what you mean,” Frank kissed my head, signifying his sympathy for my situation. I could tell this was going to be the beginning of a great friendship.

“Thanks, Frank. I know I can count on you to cheer me up.” I was smiling again.

“Frank Anthony Iero Jr. at your service twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Located across the hallway, sleeping on the bunk below Ray’s,” he giggled.

I could see the outline of the bus a few feet ahead of us, three shadowy figures stood in a line.

“They’re all outside, waiting for us,” I shivered at the thought.

“It’ll be just fine,” Frank squeezed my hand in assurance.

“We need to talk,” the shadowy figure of Gerard stepped forward, inching his way closer to where Frank and I were standing. Normally, those are four words no girl ever wants to hear, right now, they were the four most soothing words on the planet.

“Mikey, Ray, and I will be right over there if you need anything,” Frank squeezed my hand one last time before letting go and joining the others by the bus.

“What I did, it was wrong. I should have never kissed you. I just, I was so jealous of Mikey. He made a claim to you before the rest of us even had a chance. I should have known you liked him, and not me, and I should have been happy being your friend. But, instead, I was a dick to you to get you to stay away from me, and then I went and kissed you, and fucked it all up,” I stood in silence, watching as a single tear fell from his eye. “The thing is, Mikey really likes you, like really likes you. He cares about you, Lexi, he wants to keep you safe and show you the love you’ve never had. And the truth is, I want t do the same, I can’t stand to see you hurting, and I know that’s exactly what I’m doing to you, I’m such an asshole for making you run away to the middle of God knows where with God knows who, thank fuck for Frank.”

“Gerard it’s - ”

“No, Lexi. It’s not okay. I made a mistake, and I can never apologize enough for it. I want you to know that I want us to be friends, best friends, like Frank, Ray, and I. I want us to laugh together, have fun together, watch shitty movies and eat popcorn together. The only way for that to happen is for me to let you be with Mikey. You’re everything he’s ever wanted, beautiful, funny, talented, and an all around good person.”
“No matter what you say Gerard, it’s okay. I forgive you. We all make mistakes, but it takes a strong person to admit their mistakes and faults,” I smiled at him, hoping to calm his nerves.

“Thanks,” he gave me a half smile, at least it’s a start.

“Friends?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

“For life,” he raised his fist. I raised mine, letting my knuckles collide with his. “Mikey wants to talk to you, I’m going to go get him,” he turned so that his back was facing me and slowly made his way towards the bus. I could hear the sound of footsteps and suddenly I felt Mikey’s arms wrap themselves around me. I didn’t have to look to know it was him, I could tell by his breathing and the scent of his skin. He always smelled the same, like the wind blowing off a beach in the summertime.

“Did you miss me?” he chuckled as he kissed the top of my head.

“Maybe a little,” I freed myself from his grasp and turned to face him.

“I’m sorry about the fight with Gerard, I just, I saw him kiss you and my adrenaline levels went through the roof. I just couldn’t believe he’d do that to his brother,” the tone of his voice instantly changed from happy to sad, I could tell this was something he didn’t care to discuss.

“It’s okay, I understand. Frank told me that sometimes brothers just have to fight it out,” I laughed, hoping to change the subject and cheer him up a little.

“I’m glad, Lexi. I thought you were going to be mad at me, and I don’t think I could have handled that,” a smile gently made its way across his porcelain face.

“I could never be mad at you,” I laughed again, wrapping my arms around his body.

“Can I ask you something?” I buried my face in Mikey’s chest and replied with a mumbled “mhmm.”

“Will you be my girlfriend, Alexa Jenelle Murphy?” he rested his head on top of mine, patiently awaiting my response.

"Yes, yes I will,” I looked up, smiling. Mikey wrapped his arms around my frozen body and pulled me in close to his chest. He lowered his head, let his lips touch mine, and kissed me.

For the first time, I felt like I was meant to be there, wrapped in Mikey’s embrace, safe from the judgments and insincerities of the world.