Spinning Out of Control

The first thing I heard the next morning, were light snores.

They were familiar too, like snores I’d heard before. I’d fallen asleep to those snores; woken up to those snores much like now. I force my exhausted body to turn and look over at the sleeping figure beside me.

What the holy fuck was I doing in Alex’s bed?

There he was, in all his morning glory, wearing nothing but his boxers and a thin sheet around his body. His head was propped against his arm, his jaw dropped.

I couldn’t help but give a little giggle, reminiscing back to other mornings I found him like this. I wanted so badly to reach out and push the errant hairs out of his eyes, but refrain myself from doing so. Instead I glance over at the time, realizing it was close to when Emma woke up.

Why wasn’t I in the guest room with my daughter, where I’m supposed to be?

I close my eyes and try to think back to last night. I remember us talking about…many things before he declared himself tired and went upstairs. And then I had fallen asleep after crying my eyes out. Now, I vaguely remember him coming downstairs to get something when he saw me and must have picked me up out of the recliner, carrying me to his bedroom in his arms.

But why did he bring me to his room instead of the guest room with Emma?

Then, suddenly, the phone rings.

I wince, expecting this noise to wake Alex up as the bell tone echoed around the house. But he kept on snoring away, just turning his face away from the phone.

I roll my eyes and prop myself over Alex carefully, reaching over tentatively to grab the cordless phone. I didn’t want to wake Alex up; a grumpy Alex is an awful Alex. Once I had the phone in my hand I edge away mutely, then patter out of the room.

Once I was in the hallway, I answer.

“Hello?” I ask softly, tip-toeing away from the door. “Alex’s house, Ravyn speaking.”

There was a small pregnant pause before I hear a small intake of breath. My eyebrows scrunch before the person finally answers, “Ravyn?”

Shit. Fuck. Damn it. “Oh, hey, Jasmine,” I say breathlessly back, coming up to the top of the staircase. I tried to sound calm, but my heart was really racing. “I just came over to check on Emma. But I guess her and Alex are still asleep. Did you need to speak with him? I guess I’ll tell him you called.”

She sounded highly annoyed, making a loud huff. “Put him on the phone. This is important.”

“He’s asleep,” I say slowly, almost as if trying to get her to comprehend this. “You, of all people, should know to never wake Alex up when he’s sleeping. Both of us know how cranky he gets. He might as well be on his period.”

There was a scoff in my ear and I felt as if she were spitting on my drum. “I don’t know about you, but Alex is fine when I wake him up.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, right. I’ll tell him you called, okay?”

I hang up before she can make any excuses and drop the phone onto a charger that was on a table beside me. Then I creak toward the guest room, peering in to see that Emma is still fast asleep, her curls peeking out from under her blanket.

I shut the door noiselessly before going down the stairs quietly.

I grab all the ingredients for pancakes, knowing my daughter would be waking up soon anyway, so I begin to create the batter.

It didn’t take too long, and I was making the first pancake minutes later, pouring the batter in a circle onto the pan. I swipe my hand over my face where an itch was at, using the spatula to turn the cake over.

As I sat there baking, my mind wandered.

What would life have been like if I hadn’t run out? Alex and I would be married, Emma would have known her father, and Alex wouldn’t have missed out on the first three years of his child’s life. I wince at the last part, accidentally stabbing the pancake in front of me. A weird indent was made in the cake but I ignore it, sliding it onto the plate beside me.

I pour more batter on, deciding to bake instead of dwell on the what-ifs. That was in the past; I made my decisions and I have to live with the consequences.

I had four pancakes finished when I heard footsteps from behind me.

I turn around to see Alex entering the kitchen, a sweatshirt pulled over his head and his arms raised in the air as he stretched. “You know,” he said as he leaned over the counter in front of him, “when we were dating, you told me you sucked at cooking. Now you’re making pancakes. When did this happen, Rae?”

I roll my eyes. “I gave birth, had a daughter, and she needs to be fed.”

Alex just laughs, yawning as I turn back to making pancakes.

Emma eventually comes padding down the stairs, still in her pajamas, her blanket trailing on the ground behind her. “Pancakes!” she squeals upon smelling the food. I laugh. “My favorite!”

Alex chuckles, picking his daughter up and hitching her on his hip. “That’s right! Mommy’s making us breakfast!”

“Who said I was making you breakfast?” I scoff toward Alex, peering over my shoulder to give him a look. My heart twisted upon seeing him Emma and together as father and daughter. If only they could have been like this for her whole life. I swallow that thought down, shaking my head.

“The plate beside you that already has six pancakes on it.”

I roll my eyes as Alex brings Emma over, grabbing a plate for her and drizzling syrup on it. I watch, my heart still clenching in my chest.

He then takes her over to the table, sitting her down at it and putting the plate of food in front of her. She immediately digs in, getting syrup all over her face. “Ah, shit,” I mutter, abandoning my almost empty batter bowl and walking over to Emma. I use the ponytail holder on my wrist to push her curls away from her face. “There you go. We don’t want syrup in your hair, do we?”

Emma shakes her head, her mouth full of pancake.

I chuckle again before turning back to the kitchen, seeing Alex was already eating the four other pancakes left on the plate. “Alex!” I exclaim. He looks up innocently, the fork poised halfway to his mouth.

“What?” he asks around the food already on his tongue.

“I wasn’t gonna have some of those or anything,” I roll my eyes again, stopping beside him at the island. He shrugs, getting out a fork and handing it to me.

“Sharing is caring,” he grins cheekily, as best he could through the food in his mouth. I once again roll my eyes before cutting off a chunk of cake, making sure it was drowned in syrup, before taking a bite. I grin as Alex drips the sticky liquid onto his shirt, Emma laughing out loud.

And this, right here, made me feel whole all over again.



“Hannah Montana gets so annoying after the first three episodes,” I groan, smoothing Emma’s hair down, her small body curled up in my lap. I could hear her deep breaths; she was asleep.

Alex laughs, picking up the remote and shutting the television off. “I would think so since it’s all she likes to watch.”

“That and Wizards of Waverly Place. Pain in the ass.”

Both of us were whispering, but I feel Emma stir in my lap. I shush Alex quietly before cradling her in my arms and carting her up the stairs. Once I was in the guest bedroom, I lay her on the bed and pull the covers up over her. She immediately rolls over and buries her head in the pillow.

I laugh softly before going over to the bag I had packed, grabbing my pajama bottoms and exchanging them with my jeans quickly. When I turn around, my toothbrush in hand, Alex was at the door.

“Geez,” I breathe, my heart clamoring. “Sneak up much?”

He chuckles but doesn’t respond.

I go into the bathroom and squeeze past onto my brush, running the water over it. I look up in the mirror a couple moments later, almost choking on my toothbrush.

“What, are you stalking me now?” I joke weakly, smiling at Alex around the brush dangling from my mouth. He was leaning against the jamb of the bathroom door, and he just rolls his eyes, sticking his tongue out at me childishly. I don’t reply and gargle the water in my mouth before spitting it out, turning the water of the sink off.

I move past Alex to get back into the bedroom and go toward the bed, pulling back the sheets on my side beside Emma. I pull my blonde locks back into a bun, stretching my arms over my head.

Just as I am about to climb into bed, I jump three feet in the air.

“What are you doing?”

My gaze snaps over to the door of the room, my eyebrows rising when I see Alex still standing there. “What?” I ask dumbly and he gestures to the bed. I look at him incredulously. “I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“No, you get over here,” he commands, but a grin still on his face. My brows furrow deeper. “I’m scared of the dark. I need someone to protect me.”

I could feel my jaw go slack a little bit.

“So, you want me to sleep with you in—in your bedroom?”

He nods, not giving away anything on his face, his expression like a clean slate. I swallow, waiting a few moments after this response. I anticipated him to burst out laughing, saying he was only messing around with me. But he stayed completely serious, no trace of a joke in the look in his eyes.

“Uhm, okay,” I say quietly, my heart pounding louder as he pushes away from the doorway. I follow him down the hall toward our his bedroom, awful thoughts swarming my mind.

I hesitantly climb into the side of his bed that isn’t his, feeling quite uncomfortable.

Once he was situated he reaches over, without looking at me, and switches the light off. “Night Rae,” he says tiredly, facing away from me with a yawn.

I couldn’t fall asleep, my position stiff as I lied on my back. I kept glancing at Alex, the same thought swirling around in my brain. I had a strong knowing that the only reason Alex asked me to sleep with him tonight was because I was a substitute for Jasmine. Nothing more.